Extra access with out checking

[Sorrybutilikekatie]

Ok well maybe checking isn't the word but I'm not sure how else to put it.

I have been living with my dp for 6 months and I see us as a team ie I don't plan things with out saying " oh on Saturday im going to do this is that ok" just out of courtesy really. Plus he work shifts so time together is limited

Anyway my dp has three children from his marriage and we have them every Sunday for a sleep over. Twice so far he has taken the children on extra nights one bring NYE (our first as a real couple) and now on Valentine's days. I'm really annoyed as Valentine's Day is a big deal to me (sad I know) but I like to take the time to make it nice and romantic even if it's just a pizza and a movie.

I'm totally new to this whole step children thing and I feel totally out of depth.

Am I being a brat? Or is it something that would annoy you too?

[waithorse]

Just read the thread. Petal, I'm shocked at your dss's mother not sending medication. That's terrible, who would do this ?

Op, you don't sound like a brat at all, it sounds very frustrating.

[andtodaysusernameis]

OP I'm with you. I would be really unhappy if DP made plans for anyone, including SS, to be at ours without running it past me and it works vice versa. Partly because I'm the other adult in the household and have a right to know what's going on in my own home (which he agrees with), and partly because he has a terrible memory for what we are doing when, so if he didn't consult me it's highly likely he'd say yes to extra access at a time that doesn't actually work e.g. where we have tickets for something, or where we had plans with friends for them to stay over etc (like a PP only one spare bedroom which is used for visitors, not just SS).

It may be different in households where its more 50/50 and the kids are older and can come and go as they please, but it's different IMO where young kids are involved and therefore you can't do as you originally planned when they are around, and in our case a fair bit of distance is involved so it requires DP having the car for a big chunk of time to do PU/DO. On the weekends that SS isn't here, we usually have plans to do other stuff, and I'd be really hacked off if DP arranged to have him extra without checking with me what we are doing / is it something we can cancel / did I need the car for anything specific etc.

Just common courtesy IMO and I'm very lucky that my DP agrees!

[PeruvianFoodLover]

For all the sm that are also rp do you check with your now dp/dh before agreeing extra or reduced access with your ex s?

I'm a RP and and DD is 50:50 (1 week each) and of course I check with my DH before changing DDs schedule/arrangements or even agreeing to do a mums-taxi run when DD is with ex. I might not tell DH until the last minute if DDs not going to be here as expected (I often surprise him with a date night if that happens) but if she's going to spend an extra night here, or pop in one evening for dinner, or to pick something up, then, yes we discuss it. (I say discuss, but it generally lasts no more than 30 seconds as a conversation). Sometimes, DH has an active contribution to make (imagine that?), for instance, suggesting he moves an appointment and drops DD at school the next morning as he's going that way. He wouldn't be able to do that if I didn't involve him.

But then, our household routine is very different when DD is here to when she isn't. We don't have other DCs, so we eat at a different time of day, plan different meals, do different chores and we even use a different bathroom when she's here. In our case, My DD being here significantly changes the way we live/manage our lives, and I can't imagine making that decision for my DH without discussing it with him first.

[Caorunn]

wheresthelight - venom, bitter, twisted, cow - to play on the theme of an old thread that is a full house on a game of 'my ex is a psycho and it's all her fault' bingo. Well done!

[wheresthelight]

oh come on - really??? deleted for pointing out that your posts are venomous? Caorunn you are going to severely damage your children if you continue to behave in the manner you describe.

[TheJingleMumsRush]

I think at this time Caorunn would be better to step back from the SP board. It's clear it's all to emotive for her. Hope you find peace with it all Caorunn

[Caorunn]

For the record I didn't report your post. But I would assume it was deleted for calling me a cow. I am not sure that can be interpreted as anything other than a personal attack.

I'll use a phrase which I find useful with my former husband wheresthe - 'rather than focus on others reactions why not think about your actions'.

And finally, please refrain from drawing sweeping conclusions around my behaviour and theorising about the harm this may or may not to do my very well adjusted, emotionally stable, loved and happy children.

[Caorunn]

Jingle - as I have stated before I will post on MN, as I have done for oh 11 years or so, where I like. Yes it is emotive, that doe not mean my view is worth any less or more than anyone else's. It is a different opinion. One informed from a different sets of facts but not a unique sets of facts.

And really the head tilting, faux concern is unnecessary. I am fine thanks.

[TheJingleMumsRush]

Yeah, you sound totally fine

[Sorrybutilikekatie]

Sorry but you have completely hijacked this. I'm sorry that your dh left you for the ow but your posts are so so angry you projected your own hate on to me. My situation is completely different to you. I am not responsible for the breakdown of any marriage. I love my sc like my own I'm very unlikely to have my own given the choice that my dp and his ex made. They both need to pay me the good grace to take my feelings into consideration which my dp is now willing to do. I hope you found peace the anger and bitterness will only hurt you

[wheresthelight]

I doubt very much that your kids aren't affected by your very apparent hatred of their father and his partner.

[TheJingleMumsRush]

Op, you will find support on this board, don't let this put you off

[Caorunn]

OP - you were given lots of support on here and lots of reasons (not just from me) as to why he may not be consulting you or indeed why it didn't occur to him that he need to. You and he have had a conversation. All good. You did get support; but not it wasn't unanimous, generally because these types of issues aren't. We all react and deal different.

But a note of caution she isn't due you any good grace at all. She may choose to do so. But really don't assume that she will or should - particularly as you have a poor relationship.

I will apologise for the hijacking of your thread; you are right it did veer away from your original post. Threads on MN often do so and I for one will generally return to rebut any ridiculous statements made about me.

But actually I can't be arsed to play any longer wheresthe - because you comments are indeed ridiculous but life is too short. You appear to live in a rather narrow world with no apparent ability to see how anyone could approach or view things differently to you.

[TheJingleMumsRush]

[TheJingleMumsRush]

You appear appear to live in a different world..... Hahahaha! Pot...kettle....black

[PeruvianFoodLover]

But a note of caution she isn't due you any good grace at all. She may choose to do so. But really don't assume that she will or should

I'm not sure I understand this - the OP welcomes the DCs into her home, cares for them, supports their dad to parent them - and yet she cannot expect the same good grace that would be shown by a stranger on a crowded street?
She has, as far as we know, in no way harmed or offended the DCs mum - so why is she undeserving of basic courtesy/grace/manners?

If the mother is modelling such intolerant behaviour towards the OP merely because she exists, I imagine it's likely that the DCs will eventually behave in the same way. Should the OP continue to show good grace towards the DCs then?

[wheresthelight]

funny caorunn because you seem complete unable to see that your actions are ridiculous and dangerous. you regularly hijack threads to attack step parents. we are not all the ow and as such yiu need to separate your own twisted attitude about your own situation from the so called advice hou try and give.

op as most of us have said you are not wrong to expect to have your feelings considered and I am glad your dp has taken on board your comments and agreed to adjust his behaviour accordingly. sometimes I think that non resident dad's get blinkered to the world around then and they aren't keen to see their kids (rightly so) that it doesn't occur to them to stop and think. Dp works nights and I do a lot of work for girl guiding uk so he knows better than to agree to something before checking with me as it often invokes me doing a pick up or drop off or actually having the kids full stop as he is out at work. I have put my foot down a few times lately and told him no to me looking after them.

[Sethspeaks]

Caorunn IMO is just being really honest about HER feelings about HER situation. I don't get why she gets laid into. I think it's refreshing to read someone's posts who openly owns their own emotions and why they have them. I think she is being unfairly attacked here.

I think your situation is different wheresthelight if it is you that is doing the care or running around. yes, of course you need to be asked.

[riverboat1]

Just read the whole thread...lots of interesting points.

In our case, DP generally has in his diary all our joint/household plans (eg weekend guests/trips/social stuff) and takes these into account when being asked to have DSS extra or swap a weekend.

So being asked to have DSS for extra where there are no big plans in the diary, he won't check with me he'll just tell me after having agreed to it so I can put it in my diary too. But if he's being asked to have him on a weekend where there IS other stuff going on, he will run it by me and we'll work out together what to do before saying yes or no. This goes for everything around Xmas/bank hol weekends/summer hols too.

This is mostly totally fine, but on occasion DP has forgotten to tell me about extra/swapped weekends and I don't realise until the day before when he casually mentions it. That's annoying because as Peruvian said, our lives are quite different on weekends with DSS as opposed to without. I get far less done in terms of my own projects/chores, I cook different types of meal, we do different types of activity. Being unprepared for all that causes both some practical issues and is psychologically unsettling. So now DP knows to forget to tell me this stuff at his peril, because it makes me grumpy!

Last minute emergencies like if DSS's mum is sick or has a family crisis are totally different, I have no problem accommodating those wherever possible. And I trust her to know she would only ask for a last minute change in a genuine emergency rather than out of any other motive.

[redredholly]

I grew up living with my dad and step mum (and her children). The conditions of her divorce were superficially like Caorunn's: her ExH had an affair and then got married to the OW, having several more children. They didn't live in the same city as us and he would pick up my stepsiblings from the door. My DSM and DF were polite to him and cooperative (while not being over friendly), however they had nothing to do with his new wife, and as far as I know never spoke to her or encouraged the children to buy her presents etc. They were very much of the opinion that their role was to help her children see their dad, mainly. I'm pretty sure my DSM would have refused to speak to her on the phone. They were supportive and positive about new children born from his second marriage. But my point is there wasn't a moment when my DSM had to 'forgive' the OW.

My point in mentioning this is that they're now all fine. DSM and my DF are strong and happy and my stepsiblings have a good relationship with their dad. He's now divorced from OW (don't ask!!) but they are close to their siblings from that relationship too.

[Caorunn]

That is a positive anecdote redredholly - and indeed very much reflects my relationship with my former husband, his partner and I. In fact my former husband has just collected the youngest children, they witnessed us discussing some school matter relating to the eldest and of they went. Civil and polite.

Thank you Seth for your supportive comments too. It does help when others are able to understand what I was trying to say and are able to take my comments in the manner in which they were meant.

Peruvian - I think your wording re: the OP welcoming the children into her home etc. etc. demonstrates very well the two opposite sides of this issue. From my perspective the children are at their father's house which is their home when the children are with him. He cares for them and actually why would he need support in parenting them?

What level of involvement a step-parent chooses is up them them and their partner - the-ex of that partner can have no expectation or influence on that so it is disingenuous to suggest that the ex is under some obligation to the new partner. It is up to the children's father to care for, parent and nurture his children when with him. Nobody else.

Note I use the word obligation - clearly in some cases relations are friendly and so things are different. That doesn't mean that is the only way; nor should it be expected.

More broadly - as stepparents on this board often comment they rant and moan here because they can't do it in real life; as a general rule it is probably wise to assume that most posters are similar and are able to act appropriately in their real life too.

And finally, I would very much like some evidence of my regular hi-jacking of threads on this board - I have I think been involved in 1 (possibly 2) which previously went the way of this one. Generally I post the odd comment which is either ignored or acknowledged then I bob on to whatever else interests me. However when I am asked questions/challenged/ridiculed/ I will generally respond. Until I get bored. Or something more interesting requires my time. A bit like most others I would imagine.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

Caorunn are you so confident in your DCs behaviour, manners and conduct that you do not expect their stepmum to be in any way impacted by them while they are living in her home? Are they "speak when spoken to" perfect DCs? Or are they typical kids who grow out of one phase and into another?

My DD is a typical teen, and that includes being very challenging to live with at times. She plays her music too loud, she leaves dirty knickers on the bathroom floor, she drinks the last of the juice - and yes, her dad pulls her up on those things, but her stepmum is tolerant and willing to accomodate her despite, as you say, not having any obligation to do so. They live as a family - her Dad doesn't watch her every move, or check up on her to protect his DW from DDs mistakes. If DDs stepmum goes into the bathroom after DD, it's her that finds the discarded smelly socks, not DDs Dad.

What do you think DDs stepmum should do if she took your approach and wasn't prepared to tolerate/accomodate DDs perfectly normal teenage behaviour? If she felt no obligation to overlook the dirty laundry, wet towels and unmade bed? The only solution would be for her to end her marriage - and that is something that would have a HUGE impact on DD. DD would lose her home, her pets and, of course, her stepmum - she'd lose the life she has now for 50% of the time.

I'd be devastated if DDs dad split with his DW; not only is DD very fond of her stepmum, but she's old enough to feel empathy for her Dad, who would be a wreck if his marriage ended. Surely, all parents would want to avoid that trauma for their child, even if the outcome provides you with the satisfaction of seeing your ex and his OW split?

Why wouldn't I, as DDs mum, be immensely grateful that her stepmum is willing to tolerate DDs normal, but infuriating behaviour, for the sake of her marriage to my ex?

The fact that there is no obligation or expectation on stepmums to tolerate or accept their stepchildren is even more reason to be grateful that they are willing to do so, as the alternative is ultimately damaging to the children.