Extra access with out checking

[Sorrybutilikekatie]

Ok well maybe checking isn't the word but I'm not sure how else to put it.

I have been living with my dp for 6 months and I see us as a team ie I don't plan things with out saying " oh on Saturday im going to do this is that ok" just out of courtesy really. Plus he work shifts so time together is limited

Anyway my dp has three children from his marriage and we have them every Sunday for a sleep over. Twice so far he has taken the children on extra nights one bring NYE (our first as a real couple) and now on Valentine's days. I'm really annoyed as Valentine's Day is a big deal to me (sad I know) but I like to take the time to make it nice and romantic even if it's just a pizza and a movie.

I'm totally new to this whole step children thing and I feel totally out of depth.

Am I being a brat? Or is it something that would annoy you too?

[Petal02]

I think Caorunn's situation is too new and too raw for her to have a rational opinion. And I don't mean that nastily, my first marriage broke down due to an OW, and I wouldn't have wanted her anywhere near my cat, let alone any children (not that I had any), so I do understand the strength of feeling towards an OW.

[Caorunn]

Peruvian - yip probably I would be more understanding of the need to discuss with another adult, who had not been materially and destructively involved in the breakdown of my marriage and my children's family life. I have to tolerate and be civil with my former husband. Her not a chance.

That said I am not sure to what extent - it is his home and it is him who is responsible for the children. Not anyone else with whom he lives so really if HE is able to accommodate then I am not sure why that fact that a.n.other can't would be a deal breaker. Informing I get; consulting/checking/asking permission not so much.

What I do find interesting however are the many reference to guests and visitors. They are not. They are his children. No special arrangements are required surely.

And again I don't think I have suggested at all that the OP is unreasonable in expecting her partner to speak with her; I was only providing a reason as to why he may not. Nor did I say what I was suggesting was reasonable or indeed rationale but it is how I feel so perhaps not total out of the question that someone else may share that view. Particular as the OP has returned and said that the relationship between her and the ex is not marvellous - for what ever reason.

[WannaBe]

Tbh I think the issue lies in the differing attitudes towards the children. So many on here are making comparisons between the step children and e.g. inlaws, or other guests when actually it's not the same. Because these are the partners in question's children, not their house guests. But obviously to the step parent it's not the same.

So, partner is asked/told that he/she needs to have the children for extra time and he/she just sees that as continuing to play the parental role. They're his/her children all the time after all, not just when they're staying. But the stepparent views this differently and views it as having the children "to stay," and that's where the breakdown comes in.

I also have a 50/50 arrangement with my xh, however he occasionally has to go away for work, so he will text me the dates when that is, and it obviously follows that ds will spend those extra nights with me. It's not even a case of whether that's ok - because he's my child, and that didn't change to him only being my child half the time when I got divorced. Equally weekends may change around from time to time, and that is the time I spend with my dp. I do generally tell him when ds is staying on weekends he might not be, but if I didn't dp would just find that out in time, and if he started to have issue with that, well he knows where the door is.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

What I do find interesting however are the many reference to guests and visitors. They are not. They are his children. No special arrangements are required surely.

That's a whole other thread. DCs may not consider one of their parents houses their home, even if both parents encourage it - it cannot be assumed that both houses are home to them.
And if one parent actively discourages it, either directly (by referring to them as staying, rather than living, there) or indirectly (treating the DCs time in one home as a 'visit' by sending them with a suitcase, or planning a schedule of activities for when they are there) then it can do untold damage to the DC and ultimately lead to the breakdown of parent/child relationships.

In the OPs case, she clearly views the DCs as guests. I suspect that reflects the way in which they are treated by their dad when in her home.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

I also have a 50/50 arrangement with my xh, however he occasionally has to go away for work, so he will text me the dates when that is, and it obviously follows that ds will spend those extra nights with me

wannabe can I ask why it's "obvious"? My DD has never spent an extra night with me when her dad is away working (we also have 50:50); he arranges alternative care - his family, or since he married, his DW.

[Caorunn]

Like wannabe - if my former husband needs to travel then the children stay with me. No question. No discussion. It is how it is and how I would always want it to be. And vice-a-versa assuming their father is available to care for them, not his partner. Generally if a parent is available they are responsible.

Needaholiday - but by default the children don't stay in any home 7 days a week. I don't need to make additional or special arrangements - why should their father?

[Sethspeaks]

I see it how Wannabe sees it. I don't think it's that because it's step-children that "conventional etiquette goes out of the window" - it's because they are a parent's children therefore - if you are a parent that fully shares responsibility - having them isn't seen as something to need to ask someone else about. I certainly wouldn't check with dp if it was ok if dd was going to be here more, in fact he'd look at me as if I was bonkers if I did.

[Petal02]

But if there are unexpectedly going to be extra people in your home for the night(s), irrespective of the status of your relationship with this person, then special arrangements are likely to be required, on a practical basis.

And in the case of step children, they may well need picking up and/or dropping off, and this will have to be accommodated.

None of the above magically disappears just because "they're his children".

As for the debate over whether a step child is or isn't a guest/visitor - I agree with the poster who suggests that's a whole different thread!

[Sorrybutilikekatie]

I wish I never posted on here you are all making me out to be a child hating bitch. I do not treat my sc as guests this is their home as much as it is mine.

[Petal02]

I'm on your side OP. The dynamics in a blended family are often really skewed, and people just don't understand if they haven't walked in your shoes.

[lunar1]

I post on step parenting loads as I was a step child and had both the best and worse of step parents. I find it really interesting to read people's views in the subject. I have always known that I would never get into a relationship with someone who has children and if dh and I were to separate I would never bring a step parent into my children's live.

I could never quite figure out why I felt like that but this thread has summed it up perfectly for me. I completely agree with both sides of the argument. Of course the op should know what is going on in her own home and should be consulted if there is a change of plans. She is as entitled as anyone to to have a say in her own life.

But at the same time I completely believe that the dad should not have to check if it's ok to have his children. If he's not working and wants to have them extra it shouldn't be a question, his home is their home too.

I can't even see a way to compromise on either of these points or come to a resolution. I suppose the closest I can see would be for the op and her dh to have a diary with work time, contact time and a few blocked out dates. The blocked out dates are times when the dh would say no to contact changes, but as they would know them in advance he wouldn't need to check. That way maybe you wouldn't mind so much about extra times they stayed. Unless of course there is a genuine emergency.

No idea if this makes sense to anyone except me!!

[Sethspeaks]

Yes, but all those things go with having children Petal. They suddenly turn up with a friend in tow and you make dinner stretch. They make an arrangement at school, and you have to pick them up from somewhere instead of coming straight home from work. You get told at the 11th hour that they need a costume/ingredient for school. They forgot to tell you about the choir trip. Someone overnight is the easy bit! Expecting the unexpected is, to me, part and parcel of being a mum ... and a stepmum.

[Sethspeaks]

Yes, I get exactly what you are saying lunar. I'm both a SM and an RP.

[CalicoBlue]

I hope after the conversation he will remember to check with you when making arrangements. You are not being at all unreasonable to want to know what the plans are. I understand completely, it is, as said previously common courtesy.

In my experience my DH will hardly ever tell me when DSS is here. It can vary from 1 to 3 nights a week. He will also book holidays for himself and DSS without telling me. I used to get cross and upset, it made little difference. I don't think he does it intentionally, he does not talk to me about DSS so does not mention what the plans are either. However I am never expected to look after or do anything for DSS. I am used to it now and it does not bother me.

[Caorunn]

Why would you think that situation hasn't arisen Needa? I do still have a life. I said away up thread I would have no issues with my former husband saying No, sorry can't help, I have plans. And I would feel at liberty to do the same.
But at the risk of repeating myself - if he is not aware of any plans HE has, those of a third adult are irrelevant to me.

That wasn't what I was referring to however but the comments around more practical concerns such as additional food, change beds etc. Seth has summed it up perfectly.

And lunar's post is great too. Practically my former husband and I deal with it my making all requests in writing with an agreed 48 hour turn-around. He can do what he needs/wants during that time - and I do not become infuriated at any hint of control by his new partner.

[redredholly]

In my situation, for example, my DH's older children definitely do not 'live' with us. They live over 100 miles away with their mother. We have a tiny house and they have to use the normal spare room that all guests use, and which we use for other things. That's how it is, and how they said they were happy with it, and also all that anyone can afford financially. I'm not sure this is necessarily bad - some of the worst times were when we had a ginormous house that we couldn't afford and they shuttled to and fro more often, they were quite unsettled. It is bad in some ways as they never get to meet up with friends/go to parties from our house, and so each time they come it is more like a visit (and they do expect very strongly to be treated and entertained). Also they're teens, so they feel very strongly that they live where their friends live.

[WannaBe]

"wannabe can I ask why it's "obvious"? My DD has never spent an extra night with me when her dad is away working (we also have 50:50); he arranges alternative care - his family, or since he married, his DW." Because the only reason ds doesn't live with me full-time is the fact me and his dad are divorced. And as such I am still a full-time parent to him, so if xh is unable to fulfil that role due to his being away for work then IMO that falls back to me.

That's not to say that ds shouldn't have a relationship with xh's dp, but the expectation shouldn't be there that he stay with her on nights when ex is away. IMO.

[Letitgoletitgo]

Agree with you wannabee, however you may find time changes things. I am always the first to jump at having my dcs back if exh has other plans. This week however, ds had a vomiting bug - instant 48hrs off school. I'm a pt teacher, so had to call in the first day and take it unpaid. I told exh he would need to sort the next day out. Exh solution was that his DP, ow who broke up my marriage 3 years ago, would be at home that day to look after ds. So I had no choice but to drop him to her in the morning, and say thank you!! Grates a lot, but ds was fine with it.

[Caorunn]

If it has slipped his mind it can't be that important Needa. And if it was then I would imagine the rather difficult conversation that would follow with his new partner would ensure it didn't happen again.

Besides as a parent I often have to change minor plans to accommodate my children it comes with the territory imo. He is a parent. Them's the breaks. I know of no good parent who gets to live their lives as they want.

I'll show his new partner as much courtesy and respect as she showed me and my three children during the period of her affair with my former husband. I am sure you will agree that will be none. And please don't comment that 'the he is as much to blame' - I am very well aware of that but he remains the father of our three children and as such I try extremely hard to be civil, respectful and reasonable. I have got none of those emotions spare for anyone else.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

I'll show his new partner as much courtesy and respect as she showed me and my three children during the period of her affair with my former husband. I am sure you will agree that will be none.

caorunn at the risk of repeating myself, there will come a time when you will be faced with the choice of continuing to disrespect a woman who your DCs have grown to love, and who they enjoy spending time with - or risk damaging either your own relationship with them or their relationship with their Dad.
Even more so than many DCs who have EOW or less contact, yours have the opportunity to become integrated members of a family which includes the woman for whom you hold so much resentment and anger.

There are lots of comments and posts here on MN from adult DCs who have grown apart from a parent because of the lack of respect and intolerance by a wronged exspouse toward a stepparent the DC loves. It is likely that the OW will be at your DCs wedding, and that your grandchildren will refer to her as a grandparent in years to come. Hard to accept right now; but one day, you may well have a partner of your own who will play a similar role in your DCs lives

I understand that you are not in a place right now where it is possible to suppress your feelings towards your DCs stepmum, but please do not close your mind to the possibility that you will feel differently in time.
Please, please do not rob your DCs of the opportunity to have a positive and valuable relationship with both their Dad and his DP - their loyalty to one or other of their parents will be unwavering, but they will pay a high price.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

and as such I am still a full-time parent to him, so if xh is unable to fulfil that role due to his being away for work then IMO that falls back to me.

wannabe, do you mind if I ask how you enforce that (for want of a better term)? Is it court ordered (and if so, how did you manage it?), or is it a mutual agreement that you have to trust each other to remain committed to?