Spousification / miniwife is real and not a pseudo science

[truthwithin]

I have read some threads recently that mock SMs for suggesting their Dsds are miniwives.

Whilst some of these threads are typed in a moment of despair or anger and may come across as jealous or hateful, living with it is both detrimental to child and partner.

I only have experience of father / daughter spousification and, although this has been managed over the years, still causes tension and hostility every now and again.

Backstory: DP left Dsd18 at the age of 4 and in another country at to be with ExW, ( yes I know it's shitty & have told DP so myself).

DP left ExW when Dsd10 was 4, (reoccurring theme, I know), and the guilt of his first breakup has followed him. DP has said he regrets leaving Dsd18, although they are building a relationship now.

From the age of 4 till now DSD10 gets told she is the most important little lady in his life. I don't particularly like that as DP does have an older female child.

DP had 4 yrs of non-stable relationships, non of whom were introduced to Dsd10 and effectively they existed as a single unit. For part of this time DSD10 also lived full time with DP.

DP has deferred to Dsd10:

What car he drives. Expensive convertible, soon changed for something more practical.

Our first home. I didn't realise DP had already viewed it with DSD10 and found it acceptable.

Family pet, again a stealth viewing.

Things have got better over the years but DP does occasionally defer adult decisions to Dsd10, instead of discussing as a family or as adult choices.

DSD10 does sometimes see me as a rival for DPs affection, even though it is a totally different type of love. ie: DP cannot touch or be near me when Dsd10 is here. DSD10 will actually kiss DP and then check to see if I'm looking and smirk.

Dsd10 will want to check any items we are buying, sofa, car etc. are Ok.

DSD10 must be sat next to DP, holding his hand & being spoon fed at any function that requires eating. Any other female s that approach are given lasers, including DPs own mother!

Tbh, I just leave them to it now as DP is oblivious & I enjoy the peace & quiet.

It has taken me some time to realise that DSD10 is probably jealous of the affection between myself & DP and I am better off leaving them to their own relationship, however I know many SMs will notice a significant change in their DPs behavior towards them when Dsc are around.

truth I completely get where you are coming from. Your posts are quite clear. You do not have any agenda, you are just looking for advice. Do you think you have had good advice here on your thread, or are you looking for something more?

Truthwithin are you telling me wife doesn't mean in a romantic relationship to you?

Itsbetter, how would you describe a "romantic relationship"? Apart form the obvious sexual dimension, what to you defines a romantic relationship or distinguishes it from a purely sexual one?

Yeah I'm sure family counselling will help families in distress. Obviously. But a father and daughter being close isn't distress.
What won't help if there are actual problems is calling a step daughter 'mini wife' and what won't help is hatred and jealousy towards the step daughter. Fathers and daughters being close is not a bad thing! The child needs their adult responsibilities taken away so they are allowed to be a child. That doesn't mean step mum now does all the cleaning/cooking as that still sets the same bad example. It means dad standing up and taking care of the house and his child. This really is about the father learning to parent.

truth I think it's just the fact that you put it in your thread title. No-one really thinks that you, personally, believe there is something sexual between your dp and his daughter.

It's just that the term 'wife' obviously includes sexual activity. If you don't use that phrase, but just post about what is actually happening, you will get lots of support and advice.

Using it in your thread title just draws out those posters who like to debate the term, which is fine, except you probably didn't want it on your thread.

A romantic relationship is when there is a desire to become intimate with each other.

Yeah I'm sure family counselling will help families in distress. Obviously. But a father and daughter being close isn't distress. What won't help if there are actual problems is calling a step daughter 'mini wife' and what won't help is hatred and jealousy towards the step daughter. Fathers and daughters being close is not a bad thing! The child needs their adult responsibilities taken away so they are allowed to be a child. That doesn't mean step mum now does all the cleaning/cooking as that still sets the same bad example. It means dad standing up and taking care of the house and his child. This really is about the father learning to parent.

This isn't about "being close", nor is it about cooking and cleaning. Please read more about it.

itsbetterthanabox just as you expect scientific proof of this issue, I expect scientific disproof.

Obviously my own personal experience does not count so, by proxy, neither does yours.

And just because I'm in the mood.......miniwife, miniwife, miniwife.... Just words people, I doubt I'm going to Hell, ( or equivalent).

Please feel free to clutch pearls & implode! Goodnight. xxxxxx

Night truth x

Goodnight, truth.

Night truth

itsbetter I agree that their is more to some situations and the term MW is not descriptive enough to cover it and for a large majority of people brings to mind a whole different connotation. Which then clouds the real issues.

Reversing Parentification is gradual and can really only be done by the child's parent. They were the ones who heaped this responsibity on their DC. They have to take that responsibility back. It's not that the SM should do nothing. Build your relationship with your DSC and leave your DP to do the work he needs to do.

The problem here is that the OP's DP isn't doing the work. He is destroying his family.

OP what do you and your DCs do when your DP is spending time with DD?

Brdgirl, I'm not a psychologist, but I am a therapist. We do not use the term Mini Wife Syndrome because of the sexual overtones, because it can be used to Victim Blame ("our house is a nightmare because DSD is a mini wife"), because it is adversarial and because it is sexist.

I have been a SM to a DSD and my DC are growing up with a SD.

Brdgrl instrumental spousification is about taking physical care of things so cooking, cleaning etc.

Truthwithin I don't think what you have described as you SD being a mini wife sounds like she is at all.
Read your op you seem jealous of a ten year old. Why can't a child sit with her dad? Why do you care if she does? I don't think you experience is evidence of anything other than you need to learn how to be a better person around this child.

itsbetterthanabox If all you could read that I was jealous of a 10yr old sitting next to DP, then I am afraid you are mistaken and may want to take some time to read the entire thread.

Do not forget, I am a mother myself. What I do not agree with, is my household being run by a child.

I have said (again, repeatedly) that I do not use the term "mini wife" and don't particularly like it. Perhaps if people knew more about the issue they wouldn't use it.

DioneTheDiabolist So the term is used, albeit, incorrectly to describe the transference of 'power', decision - making, status within the family dynamic, from parent to child? Even in non-blended families? Ie: father beats mother, son also beats mother as a child as this is the role father has taught him. Son has higher status than mother & from a young age son learns mother must leave 'all things if importance' to him.

Crude psychology, but essentially the same.

Reversing Parentification is gradual and can really only be done by the child's parent. They were the ones who heaped this responsibity on their DC. They have to take that responsibility back. It's not that the SM should do nothing. Build your relationship with your DSC and leave your DP to do the work he needs to do.
Our counselors worked with both of us, as we are both currently parents in the family, and as the dynamic affected all of us, including the other children.
That isn't to disagree with the point that the re-establishment of boundaries was and is my DH's responsibility. But there were ways I could support that, and also things I could do to improve the relationship between myself and DSD, or the other dynamics in the home. There was also parallel discussion and strategies aimed at establishing DH and I as a unit, so I was of course directly involved. We all live together fulltime as a family unit, and our Relate counselor in particular focused on how the family unit could be strengthened.

Interesting brdgrl.

I have to really get some sleep. I think a thread debating this concept, without name - calling would be a good idea as, quite clearly we have two separate camps on the subject.

DioneTheDiabolist as the only one to actually give any credentials, would you agree?

DioneTheDiabolist as the only one to actually give any credentials, would you agree?

And?

OP, it happens in step families, in non blended families and in single parent households. It is one of the things I have warned newly single parents about. Your DSD's Parentification happened when her father was a SP. He has not rectified it and for all your sakes he needs to.

I agree that debates are better without name calling.

Will probably be off line for a while, but before I go OP, I just wanted to say: the reason I asked about what your DP told his DD about his girlfriends is because, part of it may stem from him telling her that no matter who he gets with, she will always be his #1 or him "talking them down" to her. And therefore setting the scene for competition before you entered the stage.

As I said, your DSD's Parentification happened when your DP was a single parent. This was when he gave her Adult Status. If he did it while reassuring his DD that the women he was in relationships with were unimportant, or drawing uncomplimentary comparisons with DSD then that would further explain her attitude towards you.