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I want to hurt my baby

371 replies

ShameOhShame · 12/12/2015 03:10

It's been another shitty night in a row, waking up every 1-2hours, crying fussy baby, takes ages to put him down to sleep, same thing days and nights, fucking hours of rocking the bastard to sleep only for him to scream suddenly and wake up again, I've had enough, I'm on my knees with exhaustion, I love him when I'm awake and trying to function normally but at night when he wakes me yet another time I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, I have to put him down before I do something terrible to him, I want to leave my house in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and never return, I want to leave him in the street for someone else to take care of him, I want to call my health visitor and tell her that I'm thinking about killing my baby and myself cause I won't be able to live with that so the ss take him away for ever, the worst thing is it's true, I want to put an end to it, I'm fucking exhausted I just can't do it any more, I wanted this baby so much and here I am now talking about killing him but he will kill me with exhaustion otherwise so it's me or him really, no one cares how I feel in all this, I need to protect myself, he's thriving while I'm wasting away

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Indantherene · 12/12/2015 10:52

I went through this with DC1 but luckily my DH wasn't a knob and took her away downstairs when he found me crying over her cot.

I'm old enough to be a grandma now and if my DD or DIL was going through what you are now I would be straight there to help her. It is hell and your DH is being so unfair. In fact if he were my DS I 'd be giving him what for.

Tell your GP. They'll have heard it all before. And tell your parents or ILs. Get some practical help.

learnasyougo · 12/12/2015 10:56

Sorry, composed that in another app before pasting and it lost my patagraphs!!

Here it is again formatted.

I was where you are now around 2 years ago. It was fucking awful. Bottle refuser, dummy refuser, would wake every 50 minutes through the night so 6-9 wakings was average. I was on ny knees with exhaustion.

His day naps were 20 minutes or so. He could stay awake for 9 hours straight. Even HV were stumped. One gave bad advice: if he's hungry enough he'll take a bottle.

He went 16 hours refusing a bottle. Sixteen hours without food or liquid at four months. He was hysterical. I gave in eventually and offered boob.

I felt as you feel now. Not all the time of course, but the depths of despair are deep indeed.

First of all, your baby's sleeping is NOTHING YOU ARE DOING WRONG. That needed caps as I cant emphasise it enough. I tried to figure out where I was going wrong compared to everyone else with ds1 but now that I've had 2 more dc I realised sleep is their own. Dc2 was so textbook and like a 'normal baby' that what my nct buddies used to say about their babies' ways suddenly made sense and dc3 was laughably easy. Slept easily and in long chunks from an early age. Nothing I did wny different.

  1. He will grow out of this. In fact ds1 became an easy bedtime and night sleeper and I was getting more sleep than many at the 14m mark. No hassle getting him to sleep and no wakings in the night.
  1. Insisting on a full night's sleep because he has a day job is not reasonable. Sorry but it's not. Millions of parents go to work on broken sleep. Routinely so.

American women not entitled to any paid maternity leave and paltry annual leave allowance, or women like me whose maternity leave ends before baby sleeps through. We get up and go to work on the 7th shitty night in a row. You CAN function so your DH must stop being a baby about this. At the very LEAST he can agree to take the baby off you for settling if it's after 5am. Many many people get up at 5 to catch their train to london in my neighbourhood. It sucks but its part of being a grown up. They do it every day for years and im sure of those commuters, some have small children waking them, too.

You have come to rely on the boob to settle ds because it works but he cant possibly NEED milk an hour since last feed. He's not a newborn anymore and your milk should be established now. Dh will learn to settle ds by other means (be that jiggling, pacing, swaying, taking him out in a baby carrier - all the things formula feeding parents must do because you can't make up bottles as easily as whipping out a nipple).

He will learn what works and, if your ds is anything like mine, will soon settle more easily for dh than for mum with the boobs. My ds would go to bed no problem as a unless it was me trying to settle him without boob.

I cant say what will work for you but here is what did and didnt work for me:

At 4 and a half months we, in desperation, tried sleep training. Ferber type method. Disastrous. Seriously, don't do it. We gave up after it became apparent he becomes hysterical if crying and then can sleep even less.We (that is to say I, as it was still boob or bust) soldiered on.
Then at around 6m we made the rule that if it has been less than 4 hours since last feed, dh does it. Baby is none of my business.That one thing improved my sleep IMMEDIATELY. I went to bed having fed ds and felt so free, so off duty for the first time, I fell into the deepest sleep I had for months. It would be dh going in 50minutes from now. Hurrah!

Thay first night, I woke after 4 hours of deep sleep and dc was crying. I went in to feed him and went back to bed, skipping at all that sleep and knowing I now had another 4 hours of off duty time.

The little fucker chose that night to do two 4 hr blocks dor the first time so, dh didn't even have to get up!! And the followingel night? Slept through! Fortunately those two nights were fluke and dh got to experience my normal nights for himsrlf after that.Even waking up and hearing the baby cry left me better rested if I was not the only one getting up to settle him each time.

Staying in bed hearing someone else settle him 6x was better than doing it all myself 4x. Men who whine , 'well he wakes me up too' don't appreciate this difference.

At ten months we tried sleep training again using pupd method and dh did it, and it worked quite well. Hed get cuddled by dh until drowsy and then put in the cot. Dh would pick him up and repeat. Ds became a decent sleeper but only for dh at first.

There are times in the night when you need to have your baby taken away from you so that his cries are not all yours to fix. dh needs to be a parent at night too, just like millions of other working parents have to just before going in to work. And it WILL get better. The above are just needed to see you through the next few months until it does.

ShameOhShame · 12/12/2015 11:05

Sorry for not posting earlier but all the morning routine plus vomiting baby take time...

I will answer all the suggestions when ds goes for a nap but right now I want to say a big thank you to all of you. At 5am I woke husband up to say I'm going to the spare room and don't want to hear either of them until 7 (next feed). He brought hungry ds around 8 and left him with me, I fed him in bed and we slept together till 9. Feel much better now and preparing for a serious conversation with dh at breakfast.

My baby is its usual cute self and I feel bad about hating him a few hours ago

OP posts:
SausageSmuggler · 12/12/2015 11:10

Oh OP I've been there! DS (DC1) was a non-sleeper. He would be awake for hours in the night. At the time we lived near a train station and I think my lowest moment was going in to feed him when the last train arrived and still being sat there when the first train arrived the next morning!

I agree with all the pp who have said your DH needs to step up, although I admit with mine it also took an enormous meltdown from me for him to take it seriously. It might be worth pointing out that sleep deprivation is often used as a method of torture so no, you aren't exaggerating.

What DH and I have since done (now have DC3) is he will stay up and do the 'early shift' until 12/1, keeping DD2 in the living room with him. I go to bed early (8ish) and then take over if DD2 wakes up after DH comes to bed. We then swap over at the weekends. Can you suggest this to him as a compromise if he won't do full nights? He definitely has no excuse for not helping at the weekends.

Good luck lovely. It doesn't seem like it now but it does get better, I promise! XThanks

ShameOhShame · 12/12/2015 12:04

Wow. That went down well. I suggested two solutions: him settling the baby after each feed or us taking shifts. He didn't like either as 'where is his life apart from working, attending to ds and sleeping'. So I asked what's your proposition then. He doesn't know. He hasn't thought about it. HASN'T. FUCKING. THOUGHT. ABOUT. IT. I am barely alive and he never considered it a problem important enough to give it a thought. I fucking lost it. Called him a selfish cunt and stormed off. Left both of them to it. Walking in the rain it's fucking freezing out there but I'm not coming home. Maybe never. I want a divorce

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/12/2015 12:15

No don't do anything rash at this time when suffering from sleep deprivation..please...

Have a break but go home and talk about it.

Suzy4321 · 12/12/2015 12:15

Oh shame I just want to hug you. I am so sorry this situation is awful. You made me cry. You must find help, anything classes, church, group even sit in a cafe and have a coffee.

Hug hug hug

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/12/2015 12:15

Not saying what is said is right. Just not the time to make hasty decisions. I know from experience

mudandmayhem01 · 12/12/2015 12:16

Please go somewhere warm and safe cafe, church, library. Maybe have a hot drink and call a friend, its not the middle of the night now, no will mind.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/12/2015 12:16

Not saying what HE said is right (am also sleep deprived).

SausageSmuggler · 12/12/2015 12:16

Wow oblivious much? (Obv him not you shame) he sounds like an utter cockwomble. Hopefully you walking out will give him a jolt, maybe an ultimatum is what he needs?

nagsandovalballs · 12/12/2015 12:16

Have you got money with you? If you have, please go to a coffee shop and take a few minutes to sit quietly and think.

Flowers
SausageSmuggler · 12/12/2015 12:18

Where are you based OP? Maybe there's a local mnetter who can come meet you?

53rdAndBird · 12/12/2015 12:18

How ridiculously selfish of him.

Do you have any friends/family you can phone, just to talk for a bit? Are you out of the cold and rain now?

MargaretHale · 12/12/2015 12:22

Oh you poor love, he is being an absolute knob. I hope he catches on to himself and apologises profusely.

3luckystars · 12/12/2015 12:23

Go home to bed. Sort the divorce out another day. Tell him this stage is not forever, and he better get into the trench with you right now, his holiday is over.
He needs to pull his weight or pay a nanny to come in and help you. End of story. I am glad you lost it, he needs a good shake up.

RubberDicky · 12/12/2015 12:25

Do you have a friend nearby you could go to for a bit? No matter how young my baby was or what was going on i would want a desperate friend to knock on my door.

If no money in your pockets do you have apply pay on your phone for a coffee?

KnockMeDown · 12/12/2015 12:25

Would it help to just show him this thread, so he can read exactly how you feel, without you having to repeat it, and also all the replies re what he should be doing?

Whatdoidohelp · 12/12/2015 12:26

Yes your husband is working but it's his fucking baby too! Assuming he works 5 days out of 7 he should be doing 1 if not 2 nights. Granted he doesn't have boobs to feed baby but u should feed and as soon as baby is done pass to hubby to settle back to sleep.

On hubbys days off he should be getting up with baby so you can go back to bed. You need a rest. Some men are just ridiculous.

mudandmayhem01 · 12/12/2015 12:41

What would you do if a friend or relative asked for help? I suspect you would go straight to them if it was humanely possible, please do the same.

KitKat1985 · 12/12/2015 12:50

Oh you poor thing. I've been there. I hated DD at nights when she was younger. She was awful. At one point she would only sleep for an hour at a time (if I was lucky) and then would be up screaming for 2+ hours each time. I was probably getting an hour or twos sleep a night. A couple of times I'm afraid to say I lost it and ended up shouting at her. I know it's fucking shit. But it really does gets better. Honest.

You NEED some sleep. Your DH is being horrifically selfish. He needs to come up with a plan so you can get a few hours sleep. What hours does he work? I used to go to bed at 8pm to get a few hours sleep before DH had to go to bed. I know it sounds silly but that 2-3 hours sleep in the evening really helped me get through the night. Also try and have a nap in the day if you can. He needs to step up to the mark here.

Oh and do speak to your HV. You need some support. xx

3sugarsplease · 12/12/2015 12:55

ThanksThanks everyone has already given fantastic advice, so I'm here for a hand hold. Stay strong OP.

weeblueberry · 12/12/2015 13:05

Oh darling I'm sorry he's not being more supportive. You need to tell him it is killing you.

It pisses me off to no end when my own DP moans that it seems all he ever does is work, tend to the kids and sleep. He's wonderful but it annoys me because, as I've said to him many times, that's what you (temporarily) sign up for when you have little kids. It's just part of the package that you have little time to yourself during those early years. But that means both of you, not just the mother.

Do you ever get free time to yourself? If so he needs to be asked when the hell you get anything other than work (parenting) or broken sleep yourself? Unless you're off partying of an evening (which obviously you're not) then he's got to accept that with a young baby you're both in it intensively for a while.

Another poster suggested you mention roughly in the country where you are. Am happy to come and meet you if you're nearby (Edinburgh).

maybebabybee · 12/12/2015 13:08

Got nothing to add to the excellent advice that has already been given but just wanted to say how much I feel for you OP Flowers. Your H is being a total selfish prick.

spillyobeans · 12/12/2015 13:17

Yes i have felt like this...i remember leaving ds in bedroom screaming and walking into my utility and crying thinking what have i done, ive ruined my life - actually thought well is it too late for adoption? I hated being near him.

My ds now 6 months is an even worse sleeper (doesnt sleep untill 2am then sleeps 1 hour and then up for 4hours constant screaming and then maybe another 2 hours then a couple of v short day naps) i feel so tired that i might die. I breastfeed, but the only thing that has 'saved me' and made me feel like i can scrape by and cope is:

-mil has ds overnight every sunday (from about 7pm untill 3pm next day) so i can have a bath, an early night and still have a couple of hours the next day to myself to do whatever.

  • if its been a very hard week, mil or sil will also take him for 3-4hours mid week as well and i just use this to sleep.
  • you need to speak to your partner and tell him things have to change or he needs to go (you have to for your sanity) i dont care that he works, you need a sleep too and a job is a dam sight easier than a child. With a job you get a lunch break, you can go get a 5 min walk etc and he knows hes coming home to get a kip. Tell him the nights hes off he is looking after baby from 7pm untill 7am, no disturbing you. (Can you express or introduce a forula bottle? Honesyly i didnt want to but had to for my sanity)
  • r.e: settling baby (you have probably tried them all ) sling/wrap? Does baby settle in carseat or buggy (my 6 month old still only sleeps in the bloody pram after 45mins of rocking and not the cot) sometimes just getting out the house in buggy makes my ds stop crying instantly little shit and sometimes a change of face (ds can be screaming for hours with me but then happy as larry with dh!)
  • if you dont have anyone to help at all can you afford a baby child minder? Just so you can get some sleep?