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Original poster

I want to hurt my baby

371 replies

ShameOhShame · 12/12/2015 03:10

It's been another shitty night in a row, waking up every 1-2hours, crying fussy baby, takes ages to put him down to sleep, same thing days and nights, fucking hours of rocking the bastard to sleep only for him to scream suddenly and wake up again, I've had enough, I'm on my knees with exhaustion, I love him when I'm awake and trying to function normally but at night when he wakes me yet another time I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, I have to put him down before I do something terrible to him, I want to leave my house in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and never return, I want to leave him in the street for someone else to take care of him, I want to call my health visitor and tell her that I'm thinking about killing my baby and myself cause I won't be able to live with that so the ss take him away for ever, the worst thing is it's true, I want to put an end to it, I'm fucking exhausted I just can't do it any more, I wanted this baby so much and here I am now talking about killing him but he will kill me with exhaustion otherwise so it's me or him really, no one cares how I feel in all this, I need to protect myself, he's thriving while I'm wasting away

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Not2bObvious · 12/12/2015 03:44

Cross posted with you op. I followed the baby whisperer moons ago (rip Tracy) baby won't take bottle if boob around. There are ways, they are hard but if you research and want to, there are ways ( you may have to go elsewhere for a night but it's not impossible just bloody hard)
You're struggling, don't drown love

BlurtonOnKites · 12/12/2015 03:44

I'm sorry to hear your having a such shitty time - sleep deprivation is fucking horrendous. I'd give your OH a sharp jab in the back and fuck off into another room for a couple of hours if you feel like your losing your shit. If he's got no way to feed him, tough shit, he'll just have to go hungry for a few hours. I've thought terrible things before when I've been woken up constantly - you get so tired you just don't care about anything else but yourself and sleeping. I'm a good Mum the rest of the time and I'm sure you are too Flowers

Original poster
ShameOhShame · 12/12/2015 03:46

At this stage I could give him anything, expressed milk, formula, baby rice and hell with the guidelines. But he will not take a bottle

I started putting him to sleep in a cot next to our bed cause it makes him sleep longer stretches (so 3hrs instead of 2) but it means I cannot fall asleep with him on the breast but have to settle him down and transfer so more awake time for me, not sure if it's worth it

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whatdoIget · 12/12/2015 03:50

If he won't take a bottle could your husband sleep in another room with ds and bring him in for feeding, then take him away to settle him? And you wear earplugs!

Original poster
ShameOhShame · 12/12/2015 03:51

We live in a flat so even if I go to another room I will still hear the baby crying (done that in the past). I thought about just going to a hotel and leaving all this shit behind but I would feel to guilty of leaving my little baby alone to sleep. I love him so much during the day

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ilovehotsauce · 12/12/2015 03:52

Flowers I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time, have you tired him with different shaped bottles/brands? With your dh feeding him with you not in the house (even if you have to sit in the car) if he can smell you/milk he will just think fuck this I want boob!

Personally I would wake dh up and once DS is fed hand him the baby and tell him to FUCK OFF to a different room you need to sleep!

I would also try every different shaped dummy under the sun!

whatdoIget · 12/12/2015 03:54

It's shite isn't it, but things will get gradually better and you'll realise that he's sleeping longer and longer. I know that's easy for me to say though. Does he have a dummy?

Original poster
ShameOhShame · 12/12/2015 03:56

Ha! Husband in sole charge of the baby at night! Right... He will refuse. I didn't ask him but I know the drill. He refuses saying he's tired/doesn't know how to do it. I insist. We argue. I cry. He thinks I exaggerate. At some point I have another huge meltdown taking all my mental and physical energy and he realises it's for real and does sth but it stops at some point until another meltdown. So fucking tiring. Why have I never heard 'How could I help you today?'

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ilovehotsauce · 12/12/2015 03:57

Or could dh put him in the car and just drive about for a few hours so you can sleep? If DS sleeps in the car that is.

TheXxed · 12/12/2015 03:58

Don't feel guilty, you are looking after your mental health. A night away would give you time to rest and show your husband how hard it is too look after the baby.

Original poster
ShameOhShame · 12/12/2015 03:58

Yes baby has a dummy, probably wouldn't fall asleep without it

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fuctifino · 12/12/2015 04:01

Been there. Made more bearable by my lovely dh looking after the baby in the day at weekends. He'd wrap up warm and go walking for hours, long enough for me to catch up on sleep.
It truly was hell. I waited more years than I wanted to for another child because I couldn't bear the thought of doing it all again.
Get your dh to step up during the day. There is a reason sleep deprivation is used as a torture method!

weeblueberry · 12/12/2015 04:01

He'll refuse???

What would happen if you told him you were doing it? Hmm

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 12/12/2015 04:01

Have you tried your DH giving the bottle? DS2 would never take a bottle from me, but he'd take one from DH if he couldn't see me. This sounds bizarre, but DH would take his shirt off, put the warm bottle in his (clean) armpit, and cuddle DS2 in as close to an approximation of the BF position as he could get. I pumped so the bottle had breast milk in it. It worked, DH did one night feed, and I could get a good long sleep in.

You need to talk to your GP. And then your GP needs to talk to your DH if he won't listen to you.

This "I work so I have to sleep all night" bullshit really pisses me off. I went back to work at 9 weeks with DS1 and 3 months with DS2 (no govt paid maternity leave here. 'Merica, fuck NO!). So what does that mean? That neither of us should have to get up in the night? Bullshit. We both did. DH would go get the baby for me to BF or do the bottle thing.

Parenthood means sharing.

Original poster
ShameOhShame · 12/12/2015 04:02

We have no car and baby hates being driven anyway. It sounds like I'm being difficult answering your questions but I really am not, sorry, just describing our setting up.

Baby sleeps in the sling but no one will agree to get out in this cold in the middle of the night and walk for hours wearing a big fat lump

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AnotherStitchInTime · 12/12/2015 04:03

Oh lovey, it will get better. I know it is shit right now. I have been there three times over, all of mine had spectacular sleep regressions.

When I just needed some sleep, I used to take them into the living room in the dark, tuck them up in their bouncy chair with a blanket (after they were fed and changed) and stick on this video. I lay on the couch and snoozed whilst they watched. I still use it now when ds (nearly 2) is unwell with good effect. This is something DH could do too to help.

Working is no excuse he needs to get up with him too. My DH is now SAHD, I work full time, 12.5 hour shifts. Ds currently has a chest infection and has not slept more than half an hour at a time for the last week. I have been going to work on 3-4 hours broken sleep because DH and I take turns. On his days off he needs to take your baby out for a walk or into another room for a few hours whilst you catch up on some sleep.

Original poster
ShameOhShame · 12/12/2015 04:06

A few people, husband included, tried to give the baby a bottle when I wasn't there which resulted in a hysterical, red, barely breathing baby and max a sip of milk in his stomach

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Original poster
ShameOhShame · 12/12/2015 04:07

I will try the video tomorrow thank you!

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weeblueberry · 12/12/2015 04:08

You're not being difficult. It's hard to explain your specific circumstance because there's so many variables eh?

We're having a shitty time with our toddlers sleep and it's coinciding with 8mo suddenly waking for an additional feed in rhe night. Now dp has gone to sleep with toddler in her room and baby is asleep but I'm too wired to sleep myself. It's torture. And I know DP and I will be pissy with each other in the morning through lack of sleep.

It's shit. Seriously seriously shit. Please don't ever think you're alone with this - the fact it has so many responses at such an ungodly hour is a testament to that.

Absofrigginlootly · 12/12/2015 04:09

you poor thing. God it's just awful when they won't sleep!

Are you sure your baby doesn't have silent reflux??? Sounds very fussy and a lot like my DD who had silent reflux and cmpi.

If you read this thread you can see my comments about 1/3 of the way down with lots of advice re: reflux and colic......
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2398021-AIBU-to-be-struggling-with-my-newborn

You will also note that You are not alone!!!! you will survive this!!!

DD was a terrible sleeper and then hit the 4 month sleep regression and woke up every 1-2 hours and stayed awake for 1-2 hours every time she woke up! This continued for about 6-7 weeks (memory hazy!!). I remember being on my knees by the end of it and one night calling my DH from the spare room and sobbing on his shoulder "why won't she sleeeeeeeeeep?!!!!" (While DD kicked and shouted and rolled around her cot!) Confused

But anyway, I continued with the BF and cosleeping and now she sleeps soooo much better, she even did a 7 hour stretch the other night (I'm 5 hours behind the UK btw, I'm not awake in the middle of the night!)

Btw, I was on my knees for the first 4 months and that was with my husband doing his fair share! Your 'D'H needs a swift kick up the balls arse! This baby is 50% his too!!!! I would have gone quite literally doolally without help!!!

duckyneedsaclean · 12/12/2015 04:09

Breast feeding is great until you want to stop and the baby won't let you.

The way I managed to swap to formula with both of mine was:
Nuk latex teats. And starting with the 'least emotional' feed. So eg. mid morning, rather than night, when they want comfort. Every day, that feed is formula.

When they accept that, increase it one feed at a time.

Original poster
ShameOhShame · 12/12/2015 04:11

Another feeding time approaching so will be going. Just one last thing: I feel like I can't share these feeling with anyone besides my husband as friends would be shocked and gp/hv might refer me to ss or offer anti-depressants. This is not going to help.

In the past when really stressed I would stop eating which always makes me feel better but I can't do it now as worried about loosing my milk

Monster awake. Fuck

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Absofrigginlootly · 12/12/2015 04:14

The taking hours to rock to sleep and then screaming suddenly, and waking up sounds sooooo much like silent reflux to me!!

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 12/12/2015 04:15

It gets easier and he will sleep eventually. I've been there and got through it enough to have a second.

If the baby is in a side cot go into another room and sleep now. Leave your husband to the next wake. He should understand and step up after your meltdown last night.

In the morning you can start a plan to get it better. Duck makes a good suggestion about how to ween to bottle. It's not easy but it will work. I thought it never would but it did.

Take care. X

freespiritsbadattitude · 12/12/2015 04:16

Hang in there OP. It's Fucking hard. But eventually they all sleep.

And wake your DH up. Unless he's performing brain surgery tomorrow being tired isn't going to hurt.

Sending a punch on the arm in solidarity x