I want to hurt my baby

[ShameOhShame]

It's been another shitty night in a row, waking up every 1-2hours, crying fussy baby, takes ages to put him down to sleep, same thing days and nights, fucking hours of rocking the bastard to sleep only for him to scream suddenly and wake up again, I've had enough, I'm on my knees with exhaustion, I love him when I'm awake and trying to function normally but at night when he wakes me yet another time I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, I have to put him down before I do something terrible to him, I want to leave my house in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and never return, I want to leave him in the street for someone else to take care of him, I want to call my health visitor and tell her that I'm thinking about killing my baby and myself cause I won't be able to live with that so the ss take him away for ever, the worst thing is it's true, I want to put an end to it, I'm fucking exhausted I just can't do it any more, I wanted this baby so much and here I am now talking about killing him but he will kill me with exhaustion otherwise so it's me or him really, no one cares how I feel in all this, I need to protect myself, he's thriving while I'm wasting away

Sorting the sleep probably sounds like too big a mountain to climb. But if I suggested a simple sort of schedule would that help?
I agree with the previous poster who said that all the sling sleeps in the day aren't helping.
At 4 months you could aim for 3 or 4 naps a day. eg
Breastfeed 7am
Nap 8.30-10
Breastfeed 11am
Nap 12-2
Breastfeed 2.30pm
Nap 4-4.45
Breastfeed 5.30
Bath
Breastfeed 6.15
Bed 6.45
Bottle 10pm (by husband)

If you put him down awake for every single nap, in his cot, with some white noise playing and a comforter that will help. Be consistent, consistent, consistent. Do exactly the same thing every single time. Pop him in his sleeping bag, dim the lights, feed, burp. White noise on, into cot. Shh and pat a bit if needed.

Yes he will cry a bit. Obviously you don't want him to get distressed. But right now you are extremely distressed and your marriage and probably health are suffering. So something has to change.
Get your husband to do exactly the same thing as you every single time too ie into sleeping bag, into bed with white noise and shh pat.

Your partner needs to realise that you have no life - your working 24 hours everyday with no recognission. I woukd seriously say to him that as of this moment getting a divorce would be more beneficial to you as he would be forced to look after dc when he had dc for his days!

When you are this sleep deprived it really is hell.

I had this with DS2 - feeding every 2 hours for months and months. Also, it was just me doing all of it - due to DH's work etc.

Been some really good advice on here but I just wanted to add - I know everyone tells you at the beginning sleep when the baby does, but you need to do that now, too.

Every time the baby has a nap get your head down - forget household stuff, MN, turn your phone off etc and just try to get an hour or two of sleep in a couple of times a day, it will save your sanity. For a few days, just go back to bed whenever the baby naps, in your nightie or PJs or whatever. You might feel you are not relaxed enough to sleep, too wound up with stress etc but your body and your need to sleep will take over and you will find you can drop off.

Get DH to take the baby out in the pram while you have a snooze too.

Hope you get some rest and feel better soon. It will get better even though it doesn't feel like that now.

Hey sorry it's been a tough night and husband is also not coping well and using the old' avoidance' coping mechanism. Is it possible he hasnt thought about what to do as his parents may have brought him up to have everything laid at his feet, and never taught him or encouraged him to think of others and help out

Well he needs to face up to facts Avoidance just doesn't cut it
He is a Dad and Dad's need to feed, change, play with and take care of their children Tell him this is a really tough time for all parents and look at sorting a shift taking routine and he will just have to deal with it,as you have been from day one xxoo

I have been exactly where you are, with DC1. I still struggle to deal with my anger in the night when she cries.

I just wanted to second the PP's comments about tongue tie and lip tie - just because it has been checked doesn't mean he doesn't have one! My DC1's was missed until I spotted it at 16 months. We had horrific sleep, screaming, constant feeding, especially at night, high weight gain putting her above her birth centile. It came to a head when she struggled to eat solid food. She had an upper lip tie and posterior tongue tie. She was like a different child after having it revised.

please, please check for yourself. It is easy to look online for help. Just because feeding appears to be going well doesn't mean there aren't ties!

You might also want to read about lactose overload because feeding too frequently can cause too much lactose in the stomach, which causes gas, pain, and reflux. I have been there with my DC1.

Also I just wanted to add that I have been where you are and survived it. I've had hallucinations and burning rage from sleep deprivation. I have cried and been very low, and stayed awake all night because I was too stressed about the next wake up to go to sleep. I dreaded night time. It did get better in the end and my DC2 is a brilliant sleeper, having had his TT revised at 5 weeks, which put an immediate end to fussy cluster feeding, and night crying.

I really hope you found somewhere warm to rest. My DH is a pilot so had to be careful with his sleep but even he figured out a way to help and your partner sounds like a complete tool. I think they forget sometimes that breastfeeding isn't an excuse for them to bow out of childcare!

Get yourself home, love. Let him take a walk.

You need to think about what you need him to do. Then tell him that's what he will be doing.

This may sound really off the wall, but do you have the ability to hire in outside help, even for a few hours?

Oh shame this sounds terrible. Whereabouts are you? In the uk? I think your husband is being very selfish, he needs to step up. I would ask him to do the nights on fri and sat so you can get sleep. I would also ask him to take over the first part of the evening until say 10/11 when he goes to bed so that you can get some sleep before the night wakes start. If the answer is no I would say I wanted a nanny or mothers help etc in the day/night then so that you can get some rest. Is that something affordable ? If so, and dh doesn't completely disagree with it, I would start looking into it immediately. If you're getting maternity pay I would use that to pay for the nanny if dh argues about it cost wise. Although, I know some people may not be able to afford this at all, it depends on your circumstances.

It's hard when they won't take a bottle , I struggled with that with dd and breastfeed felt like such a chain. Keep trying as she refused for months until finally got it. Try doctor browns bottles apparently they have a different system to the other ones and like us I have lots of friends dcs who refused until they were given them.

Does all your family work and have commitments? Could you tell your mum, mil, sister how desperate you are and ask them to come over for a week or two to help you? Could you go to them? Surely the price of a flight even if it needs to be put on a credit card is worth it to help you right now and save your sanity?

I think you need to visit your doctor or Hv and tell them the thoughts your having. Sounds like there could be something more wrong then just having a difficult baby.

You are doing great. Where are you now? Where abouts in the country are you?

Whiles I can really sympathise with the OP on sleep deprivation it sounds to me that she needs help. OP you need to tell your HV how you feel, those dark ideas you mentioned in your first post are quite alarming. They don't come across as intrusive and to say you hate your child and want to harm them or yourself means you aren't mentally well. Yes I know most mothers get intrusive thoughts but what you describe sounds more then that. I've had intrusive thoughts before and I found them horrifying, they didn't seem like an idea that would bring me relief yet your posts display that level of desperation.

It must be horrific for you but you need to tell your health visitor asap. I knew of a friend who had similar issues and the health visitor arranged for help so many nights a week so she could rest. I understand that sleep deprivation is making you this way, but it's important to acknowledge the issue before it gets any worse.

OP I'm glad you've got done space. Go have a meal out and a nice cuppa. Ring family/friends. Please start talking to others. He is no support. That would be the end of the relationship for me

Can you ring your mum?

Hugs OP, your DH is being a selfish, thoughtless bellend

Can't reply properly as on my phone at the moment but it really does sound like reflux and/or tongue tie. My DD had both.

She was able to be laid flat too but it was always worse at night (reflux is) and ahe also only napped in the sling because she preferred to be upright.

Go to the GPs today!!! See the out of hours GP. Explain how desperate you feel and that you want a trial of omeprazole for your baby (don't be fobbed off with gaviacon IME its shite for BF babies and rantitadine wasn't strong enough. My DD needed 20mg of omeprazole in the end to get on top of it... AND THEN SHE WOULD SLEEP!!!!!!!)

Sort out getting some sleep first. Get some treatment for your baby, get some help from friends relatives etc. and SLEEP!!!!

Then get some emotional support for yourself.

Then sort out your waste of space DH.

Ring your closest friend

Been there with a total non sleeper.

I think many, many new parents feel this.

Please get yourself and your baby to the doctor. It is worth making them check and check agin for silent reflux. We were lucky a consultant spotted it and gave us some medication.

Also TALK to the GP about you, they won't refer you to ss, seriously if every sleep deprived mum got referred the system would collapse. The GP wants the best ( cheapest) solution, which is getting you well Asap preferably without needing expensive drugs.

Good luck, there's a whole army here behind you.

I called my best friend when out, she was very understanding and helpful. Came home because it was feeding time and I didn't want my baby to suffer because of his father (in)actions. DH agreed shifts are the way forward. I had to fall that low and totally lose it to make it happen. See the pattern here? He made lunch for me and did some housework. That means he feels guilty.

Ds is napping now in his cot (he can do it but wakes up many times crying frantically) and I went for a nap in the spare room. I will read about silent reflux and tongue tie and get ds checked first thing on Monday. I just need to sleep now

I make bets with myself about how long this new set-up will last. Hopefully at least for a week as we're going to see my family afterwards so will get practical help without having to scream for it.

Also when he said 'where is his life apart from working, attending to ds and sleeping'
.....er, 1. That's life with a new baby I'm afraid! Doesn't last forever (although it feels like it at the time) and you will come out the other side, but until then he just needs to step up and suck it up! He made the baby, he needs to parent the baby!!

And 2. He says this as though living that way is the most abhorrent thing imaginable....... But yet he is quite prepared for that to be your life (minus the 'break' of going out to work!)... So why does he think it's ok for you?????

Wanker

OP my husband does this, he never actually says sorry but will start cleaning do I start a fight in my own head think 'why do I get so angry, see he does help you, your depression is playing up' and then I forgive and forget it usually lasts 2/3 days then slowly the resentment comes back and I'm back here again.

Let's hope you DP has actually taken on what you've said and generally feels bad x

Glad to hear that you'll be seeing your family soon. Can you speak to any of them about how you're feeling and maybe they'll have a word with your DH?

I understand you're having a horrible time but I do wish your post didn't say 'I want to hurt my baby'.

I think a bottle is the way forward. You say he refuses it but as a pp said introduce one slowly starting with his best time of day. I think formula feeding will change your life.

Your oh is a total arse and very unsupporting but he obviously has no idea! Bottle feeding will help as you can literally have a night off!

Remember that as bad as things are at the moment, a baby does eventually grow out of night waking. It's tough being a mum but getting stressed out is really bad for your mental health. You need more support so don't be afraid of being more assertive

I'm also going to go against the grain a bit here like a PP (and maybe others - I've only skim-read, sorry)...

Both of my DSs were 1-2 hourly wakers for well past 12 months old and there's only two years between them (don't ask me where I found the energy to make DS2...). So basically I've only been allowed to sleep for 90 minute bursts (sometimes less, never more than two hours) for 3.5 years. Definitely nothing medically wrong with either of them - they were cleared for everything that has been mentioned here and then some more on top of that. Some babies just need a lot more support than others to sleep.

BUT even at my worst and most desperate, I never even came close to thinking what you've expressed here, OP - 'I hate him', 'bastard', 'I want to hurt him' etc.

That is PND talking. Exacerbated by sleep deprivation, perhaps, but that's pathological, not a 'normal' response to sleep deprivation at all.

It is unbelievably tough OP. Unbelievably. But I really don't think what you're feeling is within the spectrum of healthy and I strongly advise you to have a PND screen with your GP or HV ASAP.

I do agree that it sounds like PND, probably brought on by exhaustion.

I did not ever feel this strongly upset with either of my children, but neither do I want to sound like I am judging the OP as a 'bad person'. OP, it is great that you have reached out but please, please contact the dr as soon as possible. There is no need to live like this x

Sending you thoughts of peace and strength. My first child was a non sleeper. I was beside myself with exhaustion and I had a very supportive dh and extended family. I remember the feelings of dread and hopelessness when the afternoon began wearing on. My son was winterborn too, so nightfall occurred early. Such a dismal, heartbreaking time, especially when you expect times with your infant to be so rosy and filled with joy.

Contact your gp. Tell her exactly what you have told us. You need and deserve assistance. Xx

jw but that's how it feels, when you are living with a non sleeping on the verge of PND nightmare.

It isn't logical, but please please don't make it any worse for,her by telling her off for her feelings. It's not nice, and it seems unpalatable for anyone who hasn't been there themselves. Telling her off for feeling that way is very unhelpful.

More like a big well done to the OP for admitting it. I had similar feelings along with self harm impulses. I didn't admit to them for fear of exactly that sort of reaction. Took me much, much longer to get treatment and I'm living with the consequences of that years down the line.

I am familiar with the very common, totally illogical stance that I thought I wanted to harm myself or the baby but couldn't go to the doctors because I didn't want medication because it might harm the baby or me?

I went to the doctors in the end. No one got hurt.

Hope it gets better OP

I feel for you, OP, because I have a non-sleeper as well, and the 4-month sleep regression nearly finished me off. I couldn't have copied with too much advice, so I'll put some billet points, and you can see what works and sod the rest:

• See your GP or HV and tell them you're struggling. They won't take your baby away; they'll put support in place
• Put DH in the spare room so you're not both being woken all night and at least one of you is fresh in the morning. Also, you'll have more room in the bed and may well sleep better. The deal is that he gets up with the baby on his days off and then you catch up on sleep; he also steps up either by doing housework or by taking the baby in the evenings after work so you can have time to yourself
• Once the 4-month thing passes, baby may well get into a better sleeping pattern. You lie down next to him and sleep too. "Sleep when the baby sleeps" is bad advice when you have a newborn, but actually once the baby is in more of a routine it becomes more helpful!
• Take every bit of help that's offered at Christmas. Be completely selfish if you need to. Catch up on rest, and then catch up on doing things you enjoy (reading, movies, whatever it is).
• After Christmas, take a look for toddler groups in your area. Check churches and community centres. At this stage you're going for your own sake, not the baby's. You'll meet people in the same boat, and get support. You can probably even get someone to hold the baby so you can pee in peace. Try to find one where people aren't competitive about how great their babies are - I go to one where we have mums who say things like "she's being a little shit today" or "he's a total disaster when it comes to walking". Obviously they absolutely adore their kids (and never say these things in front of their own or anyone else's kids), but it makes it easier to say " I'm really struggling ".
• Keep posting here for support
• Lower your standards. Don't try to iron stuff or keep the place completely tidy. It'll be good practice for next year when your DS will be walking and chucking stuff everywhere.

Honestly, it gets easier as they get older. My DS still doesn't sleep well, but we're in a routine that really works for us; I'm constantly tired, but not exhausted, and it doesn't really bother me much any more - I don't dread getting up in the mornings; I just think " argh, I'm tired, but ah well!". Keep trying different things and see what works for you. If you try some advice and it turns out to not work for you, ditch it and try something else. But get to your GP as soon as you can and get support in place; I promise it will make the world of difference.

You are getting lots of advice here so i wont add to it - but just and lots of zzzzzz's being wished for you.

Sleep deprivation is torture.