I want to hurt my baby

[ShameOhShame]

It's been another shitty night in a row, waking up every 1-2hours, crying fussy baby, takes ages to put him down to sleep, same thing days and nights, fucking hours of rocking the bastard to sleep only for him to scream suddenly and wake up again, I've had enough, I'm on my knees with exhaustion, I love him when I'm awake and trying to function normally but at night when he wakes me yet another time I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, I have to put him down before I do something terrible to him, I want to leave my house in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and never return, I want to leave him in the street for someone else to take care of him, I want to call my health visitor and tell her that I'm thinking about killing my baby and myself cause I won't be able to live with that so the ss take him away for ever, the worst thing is it's true, I want to put an end to it, I'm fucking exhausted I just can't do it any more, I wanted this baby so much and here I am now talking about killing him but he will kill me with exhaustion otherwise so it's me or him really, no one cares how I feel in all this, I need to protect myself, he's thriving while I'm wasting away

I wish I'd read elphaba's posts when my baby was a non sleeping mess! I worked all of it out on my own eventually, she's completely right. My DS never did sleep signs though so I went off the clock entirely )not the sort of mother I thought I'd be!)

I tried Gina Ford, drove me mad. At 6 months ds1 did her 3 month pattern and it was great for a bit, then he didn't do it!

So I'd agree with the watching for sleep signs. I got ds1 down for a nap at the FIRST yawn, if I waited till the 3rd or 4th he was grumpy. You already know the signs if you think about it, it's the relegation that thus is your que to put him down for a nap that will set you free

*revelation

FFS Just typed out a long reply then lost it all

But the gist of it was basically yes x a million to what Elphaba said (again! Seriously you should publish a sleep book!)

I ended up after a few months doing exactly the same...it's what my DD needed. Once we gave her exactly what she needed everything suddenly got so much easier! Everyone got some sleep (I slept with her upright on my chest, propped up on pillows in middle of double bed with DH in spare room from 3-5.5 months until the omeprazole fully kicked in, then I was able to lie her next to me). And, not only did it meet DDs needs, I actually enjoy that level of contact with her. I use her naps to MN, catch up on emails/facebook, watch iplayer or 4od. It my bit of 'me time'!!

I know it so so hard when you're sleep deprived but if you just accept things for how they are right now and know it won't be like this forever then it will get easier. I saw it as my first lesson in unconditional love for my baby. She is who she is and my job as her mum was to accept her and meet her needs, not those that Gina Ford/DM/MIL/lady at bus stop says that babies needs 'should' be. That outlook really helped me stay positive.

Good luck

I should also add that sometimes I just use her nap times to gaze in wonder at her beautiful face and fall even more in love with her than I thought possible. Cheesy, but true

I don't think a book telling new mothers what they really don't want to hear would sell many copies

And YY to it becoming your 'me time'. It went from feelings of trapped outrage with DS1 to 'noooooo, don't wake up! I NEEEEEED to find out who wins this episode of Ru Paul's Drag Race!' with DS2 Sigh. Back at work full time now and I long dearly for a daily lie down on a lovely bed with a lovely baby, some trash food and trashier TV. Lovely baby no. 2 is currently dancing to the Postman Pat theme song with jam on his face and lovely baby no. 1 now tells me he loves me 'so, so, so much mummy!' multiple times a day and keeps confirming with me that we most definitely have carrots ready for Santa's reindeer next week and that our chimney won't be too small to fit all his presents. Swings and roundabouts, swings and roundabouts...

I don't think a book telling new mothers what they really don't want to hear would sell many copies maybe you could market it as a guide for relatives who 'helpfully' suggest that in their day baby just got put in the cot and they shut the door. Of course baby never cried, oh no. And baby slept through from about 2 weeks old.

Luckily the 'trapped' feeling was fairly fleeting with me because I am a naturally lazy sod and enjoy any excuse reason to sit on my arse, eat, drink and mess about online!!

Also OP, if you can get some of your babies naps in the sling then when they're in deep sleep you should be able to use the toilet, grab a drink etc, without waking them up. And also, what helped me was giving myself 'permission' to set myself up for nap time (I.e. Get food and drink and ipad/headphones to hand) EVEN IF SHE WAS CRYING before I started feeding her on my lap/rocking her to sleep in the sling. Previously I was just panicking that she was crying and rush to settle her, thus leaving myself, starving, dehydrated and desperate for the loo on more than one occasion!

So I figured "I'm holding her while she cries, she's not being left, and waiting 2 minutes while I take care of my needs before attending to hers won't hurt her". Someone said on one of my threads to me that it's not healthy to become a martyr to your child. You will wear yourself out and then not be able to meet your baby's needs at all.

You've already reached this point, so it's important that you take care of yourself too. Go to the toilet and get yourself some food and drink before you sit down with him. Or better still task your DH with the responsibility of making sure you have little feeding/napping stations set up with bottled water, cereal bars etc around the house (that's what I did) so you don't ever get caught out.

I had my laptop set up within easy viewing reach of the rocker in the baby's room and watched soooo much Netflix. I kept a six pack of 500ml bottled water and a tin of biscuits next to the chair too for if I hadn't been able to sort out a drink and a snack before sitting down. My DS had all his naps on me till he was about seven months old when he started having them in the buggy unless we napped together in bed. I have no regrets. Those naps were some of the most blissful times of my life. His little pudgy hands on my chest!

Yes yes yes X million! Everything gets better when you accept what they need then make yourself comfortable.

I was quite lucky in that the baby didn't need to sleep on me but he'd only sleep if I was right next to him on a bed. So no pram naps unless he was wretchedly tired. So instead hours of patting and rocking then creeping out then feeling worse when he woke 20 mins later I just slept with him in the day. He's 14 months now and actually does sleep in his cot in the day and honestly I miss the snuggly naps.

Nigh sleep still pretty shit but better than it was. Hang in there!

Hello, everyone, I thought I would update.

I put ds on omeprazole, first 5mg, then at the advice of the GP 10mg. The increased dose was supposed to make him sleep better. The omeprazole cured silent reflux (ds stopped waking up screaming his head off) but gave him normal reflux (he would bring up milk after pretty much every feed, sometimes even after 1hr anf it was often pure non-digested milk). Then it gave him constipation and the poor thing would strain many many times during day and night, often crying, but the GP said it's ok as he still pooped twice a day (down from his usual 5). Last Friday (when my GP was unavailable of course) he strained and cried so much that I decided to stop ther omeprazole asap. He's much better now, still bringing up milk though. We had some crying last night when trying to put him to sleep, I need to find out if it's teething or reflux pain and decide what to do.

Sleep. That's a MASSIVE regression. Everything went downhill when we came back from my family's after Christmas. Ds not only naps on me, rocked, swaddled and dummied or in my bed if I'm lying next to him. His cot is out of question. As I was down with a cold last week he had a very good routine with naps after 2hrs of activity (I would take him to bed with me at the first eye-rubbing) which resulted in a very happy and energetic baby getting plenty of sleep during the day (3-5hrs in total). At night though... Feeds every 1-2hrs, a few 3hrs stretches here and there which do nothing for my tiredness. Plus he decided he need to nap in the dark, with no sound apart from my singing. And needs to be bounced. Otherwise he won't go down. It's bloody exhausting, especially with my cold and sore back from holding him for so long. He's been like that for over a month now. I am litterally glued to him. He can sense me turning on my back (anxious wriggling), turning my back to him to hug dh (kicking my back, wriggling), going to the toilet in the middle of the night (screaming). If I put him down after bouncing when he's deeply asleep, he will wake up in a split second and get himself in a proper hysteria. Very hard to calm him down. I feel like a prisoner after last week. Not seen any adult for days (apart from dh) as I was poorly and the weather is horrible.

PND. I'm getting counselling, only had my fiirst session so far so can't see any difference yet. Dh stepped up a lot, day and night. I am still getting irrationally angry with him for anything really. Didn't even have a chance to cuddle with him for the last month as ds is constantly on me (or him). I am exhausted and feel like fainting many times of the day. Can't focus on anything.

All I want is to crawl under a rock and stay there for a few years looking in the dark.

Shame, I just saw your update. It sounds like you've been having a really tough time. Well done for making a start with your counselling and I'm glad your DH has stepped up.
I know it seems like such a long, dark time with no end in sight, but it will gradually get better. In the meantime, do whatever you need to do to try and get through each day. And if that means that you both have naps every couple of hours (because that's what Ds needs and it means you are getting at least a little rest) then so be it.
Can you plan a break for yourself so that you have something to look forward to? It needn't be a big "event", just an hour or two of being in a different building, knowing that someone else is looking after DS while you sleep/bathe/go for a swim/whatever floats your boat.

In the meantime, you are doing a great job .

RAshmore, do fuck off. Reported

Sooo how is life now?

As someone who has dealt with severe sleep deprive to a point of feeling drunk, feeling hopeless... let me say this, you are absolutely brave that you came on here and you reached out for help that is so amazing for you and step to the right direction. Asking for advice is good. Now you need to put your bub down when you reach this point and step away. Having a baby cry is alright and okay for the lungs. Let him cry out for a few mins. Try 5 min then 10 min intervals. Also sounds like wee man is colicky and I know the struggle because my 6 mos old has it. We had to go to hypoallergenic formula. Try a simple formula you don't need fancy formula just full of unwanted fillers. Try that and see. Doesn't hurt to try.

Now I am going through the same thing with harming thoughts of my child cuz shes screaming and crying. It triggers my flight or fight from ptsd. Only thing I could do is sit her down and go outside. Stick her on the swing or on the floor and go outside for a few mins. Breathe in slowly and out slowly. Baths, music, playing gta 5, distraction helps too with coping

Also look into Post Partum Depression or Psychosis and see if those are what you have symptom wise. Ask for zoloft to help with you being able to cope.

If your SO is snoring beside you wake him up and tell him to get your son and let you have a break. But hang in there have a coffee, soda, tea, something soothing. And just breathe, be kind to yourself... you're doing amazing momma and keep your chin up you're not alone and parenting is the hardest job you can do

This thread is from 2015 😁

This baby will be six now! Why do people bump ancient threads to give advice that will clearly be out of date?

I would love to hear how this mama is doing x