I want to hurt my baby

[ShameOhShame]

It's been another shitty night in a row, waking up every 1-2hours, crying fussy baby, takes ages to put him down to sleep, same thing days and nights, fucking hours of rocking the bastard to sleep only for him to scream suddenly and wake up again, I've had enough, I'm on my knees with exhaustion, I love him when I'm awake and trying to function normally but at night when he wakes me yet another time I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, I have to put him down before I do something terrible to him, I want to leave my house in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and never return, I want to leave him in the street for someone else to take care of him, I want to call my health visitor and tell her that I'm thinking about killing my baby and myself cause I won't be able to live with that so the ss take him away for ever, the worst thing is it's true, I want to put an end to it, I'm fucking exhausted I just can't do it any more, I wanted this baby so much and here I am now talking about killing him but he will kill me with exhaustion otherwise so it's me or him really, no one cares how I feel in all this, I need to protect myself, he's thriving while I'm wasting away

Trick with bottle is not to give in that ^^ situation but rather to intro at a time when they are feeling relaxed and keep trying over a few days (PS this didn't work with my first baby so I am offering this in hope rather then certainty).

With baby 2 we tried a few bottles and have found the mam anti colic one to work, lactation consultant recommended as we had to intro top up feeds this time round so had to make it work.

Also you might look at finger feeding, which I did with baby while we were working on introducing the bottle (she was smaller so we wanted to avoid nipple condition). You basically tape a small feeding tube to your finger, the other end sits in a container with your liquid of choice (Ebm / formula / gin) and the baby sucks your finger and the milk at the same time. Someone might come on and say this is not appropriate for a child your age, and you might need to be shown how to do it safely, but it is definitely a way around the boob.

Just to add, you have sent a small finger off chill dread down my spine at the prospect of this hitting me in 6 weeks. I remember with #1 and really thought it would finish me off. Hope you are napping during the day, staying hydrated etc xxx

I second reflux - the constant feeding cN be a sign. How is weight gain? Have you had him assessed for tongue tie? . Unfortunately health care providers can not be great at diagnosing either

I suggest a GP appointment on Monday. My friend got nowhere with hers and went to A&E and refused to move until someone helped her and the baby when her DD was 3 months. It was only then that reflux was diagnosed

I honestly think that for the sake of you mental and physical health, you need to retreat to a bedroom tomorrow with some ear ifs and go to sleep. DH can feed the baby with rxiressedx breast milk or formula with a syringe if needs be. He can use the one from a bottle of calpol

Didn't want to read and run but when I had pad and was sleep deprived I have felt the same. For some reason I refused to ask dh for help, I kept making excuses (he didn't do a night feed after 2 weeks pat leave) but he did notice my mental decline. You say
gp/hv might refer me to ss or offer anti-depressants. This is not going to help whilst I appreciate it may not be what you want in an ideal world it might help you cope. If nothing else with some sleep advice and regular support.

You will get through this - I would wait until 5 and feed then hand over to dh say you've not slept and it's his turn. It will seem early but not unreasonably. I hope you get some sleep

The other thing - id forget the cot tonight just get dS into bed with you and feed lying down if you can so you can doze at least

Stop doing whatever it is that you do all day, especially whatever you do for your H.

No cooking for him. Make yourself beans on toast or whatever. Don't do his laundry.

Forget about hoovering, tidying, cleaning the bathroom.

Try to get out for a little walk with the baby though.

Get yourself decent earplugs and sleep on the couch. He can do Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights, for starters.

Leave a bottle or two of formula or expressed milk for H. Leave the baby and H in the bedroom. Tell him to talk to the hand when he refuses. Show him the hand, and the fingers if necessary, and lie down on the couch.

Babies sometimes accept the bottle from someone other than their mothers, and babies will sometimes accept formula from a dad before breastmilk too. So he needs to be left for an extended time with the baby, in order to learn how to deal with being a parent.

Please consider heading out by yourself -- to a library or to the cinema or to have a massage or just to sit and sip some coffee and look around the shops, and leaving H and baby to get to know each other for at least three hours each weekend day. Bring your pump if you have one.

Is there always poo in the nightime nappy? If just pee, then don't bother changing the baby. A quick sniff will tell all, no need to undress the baby and peel off the nappy.

Get a tandem cot/bedside crib/bssinet? They clip to the bedframe so you can cosleep without being all crowded together and you don't have to get up to put the baby down. Put it on DH's side of the bed. www.nctshop.co.uk/images/4383.jpg Try not to throw something at that picture. I hate images of clearly well rested women with their small babies.

Talk to your GP or HV about the thoughts you are having.
Tell her/him especially that your H is a useless lump who is too special to act like a grown up husband and father and whose precious work is more important to him than his exhausted wife. Do not mince words. Ask her to read him the riot act.

And Shame -- tell your friends what a knob your husband is. Maybe one of them has a husband who could take your H aside and tell him he is being an arse.

Tell your family too, even though they are so far away. Someone needs to kick your H's ass.

Sorry you are going this shame & purple I went through it with my first baby and it really is sheer bloody torture
Breastfeeding means your husband can't get up to feed, but it doesn't mean your husband can't get up to settle once you've fed the baby Until baby is older and sleeping through night (& yes it will happen!!)
.......Survival for you guys means-
during the day -you have to sleep when baby sleeps
no cleaning & only basic cooking so you can sleep every time baby sleeps during the day
your partner/husband will need to clean and cook so that you can sleep each and every time baby sleeps

your beautiful babies are struggling to get into a sleep routine but they can and they will, with support from your GP, health visitor, friends but.......................... you must reach out- it takes a village to raise a child- none of us can go it alone- sooner or later we all need support (and yes, even if that means an argument with hubby in the middle of the night or calling family overseas or a dear friend in the middle of the night

please go see a local doctor or even present at your hospital emergency tonight if you need to - to keep you and baby safe and sound
It is so worth it reaching out for help, even if it means breaking down in tears with sleep exhaustion You both can and will get through this xxxx oooo

I really don't think there is any medical problem with my baby. No tongue-tie (checked after the birth), feeding very well, weight gain -90th centile (!), checked for reflux by a gp during a 6-week sleep regressiom. During the day he eats every 3hrs, can lie flat with no problems. Nights range between bad and terrible though. He isn't even 4 months yet but it must be the famous sleep regression. I can cope with broken sleep if the total is at least 5hrs but the last few nights destroyed me. He sleeps it off during the day either in the sling (so I have to walk) or when I meet friends which is vital for my sanity (or remains of thereof)

Thank you very much for your kindness, all of you. I feel a bit better now. Will try to catch some sleep before another serious conversation with my husband - will try to kick him out of the house with the baby in the morning

I feel you need to wean him off the sling during the day.

I think it might help his sleeping at night if he got used to sleeping without your warm body close by and in a lying down position during the day. He can't have you upright and holding him at night. If you have a pram or buggy that allows him to lie down then try that.

Try swaddling too, if you don't already do that, and padding the pram/buggy so he feels he is being held. It can ease the transition from sling to independent sleeping position.

I am glad to hear you are meeting with friends from time to time. That is really important. Try to talk to them about your H being such a lump.

xxx

What you need is sleep and you must get it urgently. call your in laws, your family, anyone just get help, they would love to help and have not been listening to this alarm going off for 4 months, they won't mind. I think your baby has reflux. This can develop, and he could have it now even if it was previously undiagnosed. Sometimes it flares up when teething starts.

Call for help today, your husband is not going to suddenly start helping you, forget him, he is useless. Call your gp, your family or neighbours, anyone and get a hand out of this. After some sleep, things won't feel so bad. I know what you are going through, you just need sleep and then you will be able to think straight.

I agree with math.

I have a 2 year old, a 1 year old and a newborn. The only way I have been able to cope is to get into a routine of putting them down to sleep whilst awake sit hey start to self settle from the word go. If they cry, they are picked up straight away but it means they can go in Moses basket/bounced chair and I have hands free for something else.

I second swaddling. Also, I have a sheepskin liner for the Moses basket that goes under the sheet. It makes it nice and cosy. I got it in john Lewis and would recommend.

Hope that might help a bit. I think you'll probably have some struggles to get dS to nap elsewhere but it will be worth it. They are only little but the 2 and 1 year olds don't seem to be psychologically damaged by the experience!

Nothing further to add except a big un mumsnet hug, you've accepted something is not right, that makes you a very good mum. Hope it gets better soon

Also re: tongue tie, my DH is a dentist who has done the tongue tie course.

It's amazing how many tongue ties he sees where the parents have been told that all was ok by someone not actually trained to diagnose - particularly a posterior one. It might be worth getting a second opinion.

Second sleep when the baby sleeps during the day and don t do any housework if it means you could be sleeping. Oh and do the feed baby, pass to husband, for him to take baby outside/other end of the world so you can get some sleep. Friday to Sunday your sleep comes first. Can you do a dream feed? When you poke a boob at them when they are still sleeping just before you want to get some shut eye? There fore you know baby is fully tanked up and you can sleep come what may?

Your baby might take a bottle of milk off your husband but not you! My lot could smell me and refuse the bottle but after a bit of complaint would take it off my husband if i was hiding.

You poor thing, it's so hard. I'm sure you've tried but have you tried feeding lying down? This worked with my DS1 (but not DS2), and it allowed me to dose during feeds.

If that's a no go, then I think for your own sanity it's time to break a couple of 'rules', even if it is just for a few days. Have you got a cot set up in a different room? You could try a tiny bit of crying (I know it's not popular and it wouldn't be my first choice but you're desperate). Plonk him in the cot for 5 mins and close the door and just see what happens, my DS1 magically learnt to self settle at 18 weeks when I suddenly had to abandon all my attachment parenting for a minute, I plonked him in the cot to answer the door or something he screamed blue murder for 4-5 mins but when I went back to get him he was fast asleep. Another idea is will he be mesmerised by a TV/iPad? If so I'd be tempted to put him in his own room with something distracting on so you can get some extra sleep. I'm sure I'll get flamed for that suggestion but it won't hurt for a bit and if it just gets you through and helps you retain your sanity then so be it.

You'll get through this, you will. And your husband needs to do more. Either he needs to do the 8-midnight stint and you go to bed super early so you get a good stint if sleep then, or he goes to bed early then gets up anytime from 4.30 and is on duty until he leaves for work. You work all day too remember.

The other thing I can think of is how are his daytime naps? Good naps lead to better nighttime sleep generally so it might be worth putting effort in to a daytime nap schedule.

DD1 completely refused a bottle for weeks, in the end, I tried Dr Browns, and sat for ages with it in her mouth, I just felt determined that she was going to do it, after about 40 minutes, she took it, and I made sure she had even 10 mrs from a bottle each day after that, so she didn't forget.
I second a pp, if the nappy is just wet, don't change it overnight.
Have you tried any white noise apps?

I think everyone has said everything already but OP, you must now put your needs first. You are heading straight into PND territory. Your husband has to recognise this. If you get there, he'll have alot more to worry about than having to check the odd nappy at night.
You are working too, why does his being rested for work take priority over your need?

This will pass, it has to but your dh has the power to help you and you must insist now.

I would persevere with the formula. If the baby is otherwise healthy then they'll be fine if left hungry even they refuse it, slowly they will come to realise it's all that's on offer! I would also ring fence several hours for yourself from the point dh gets in from work. 5 mins handover, you get to bed knowing that even if you don't sleep you've got a couple of hours to yourself before the night time debacle begins. Never change a nappy overnight unless there's a poo. On the weekend, make it a thing that dh takes the baby out in the mornings to give you time to yourself. Please try to eat as well as possible and drink lots too, my own PND (triggered by the same situation as yours) taught me that you need to look after yourself, keep strong physically. It will help.

Finally take comfort from the fact that so so many women have been there and are here to tell the tale. I've been up with dc3 who is an absolute nightmare overnight since 3.30. Peppa pig and a cup of coffee, some Nurofen plus are all my friends right now.

Oh bless you. I know exactly how you feel. DD is 5 months and has never slept longer than 3 hours in a row. I'm currently lying on her bedroom floor as she's too big for her Moses basket, her cot won't fit in our room and I'm not traipsing across the landing every 1-2 hours when she wakes up. I'm on my knees. I actually told DH yesterday that I'm leaving him as then at least I'll get a break at weekends. DH is great but we also have a non sleeping 2 year old so he deals with her wake ups (she is currently awake and has been since 3.30am) while I deal with the baby.
Mine also won't take a bottle. DH took her to my dads for 14 hours one weekend so we could go cold turkey. She took an oz. Won't take a dummy. Pretty sure no reflux or tongue tie (91st centile, no apparent discomfort, feeds generally fine). I actually feel like she's killing me. I ache. I'm ill. My head hurts. I can barely see straight. I can't hold a conversation. It's shit. I can't even tell myself 'it gets better' as my 2 year old has been up all fucking night and has barely ever slept through the night.
So you're not alone. I have no advice but im right there with you.

I second kicking your husband's ass, 'shame'
You have been doing a great job of feeding and caring for your child, pretty much as a single parent- his turn -he needs to man up

from your baby's point of view,it's OK to only feed each three hours and then allow your baby to settle in the cot- Remember tho it is actually great you have allowed baby to do what they needed to do to- suckle more and build up milk supply during their growth spurt
Don't give up
Do whatever you need to get through
Sending hugs to you 'Shame' and 'Purple',and hugs to your babies too xxoo

I'm so sorry you are going through this!
I don't know if this might help but my DD was bf and would not take a bottle. I spent ££ on different types, not one of them she would take. I think the main problem was that she had to suck much harder on the bottle compared to the breast and was getting frustrated. In the end I was getting desparate as I had to go back to shiftwork when she was 4 months old! So I got a cheap tescos own bottle with a long straight teat (will try and find pic in a minute) and widened the hole to make the milk flow more easily. I know you're not supposed to but as I said I was desparete and it worked.
Hope you are catching ip on some sleep right now

I can't find an exact match but it looked a bit like this one. Only the teat was a bit longer and a bit more "square". It had handles too so was more like a training cup than a bottle

Didn't want to read and run..

I have been there too.. My first baby had silent reflux. And from birth he had jaundice so I had to wake him up every two hours to feed him..
And I had gallbladder attacks during pregnancy so I was exhausted and when my son was 3 month old I had an emergency surgery as my gallbladder almost ruptured..
One month after the surgery I got pregnant again.
So my son was 13 month old when my daughter came..
She didn't had any medical problems but she woke up every 2-3 hours to be fed.
At that time I didn't notice but I had post natal depression and I didn't talk to anyone about until it was to late.
I don't know what it is to sleep through the night. My kids are now 2.2 and 1.1 years old. And I only have my depression under control for about 2 month now..
I spoke to my doctor about without any help. So I bought these pills from a natural store and OMG they helped me a lot. And I will tell you this, I was at that stage where I wanted to hurt my kids or myself. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I was so sleep deprived.
My husband helped me whenever he could. I even woke him up during the night to take care of the kid so that I could either sleep or just take a deep breath..

Someone at the mother child group I go to suggested to me that when you feel like screaming or hurting someone (yourself or the baby) inhale and count to 10 and exhale and count to 10.. It helped me.

Good luck and please whatever your DH thinks wake him up and let him help you...

Oh and my dd also didnt want to take the bottle or dummie so I bought her a really expensive one where the nipple looks like the breast and she took it..

'I can't hold a conversation. It's shit. I can't even tell myself 'it gets better' as my 2 year old has been up all fucking night and has barely ever slept through the night.'
World's biggestgrotbag- i can tell you as you can't believe right now-
It can and it will get better Believe
Some of us struggle longer and it is shit (and my now 16 year old who is over now six foot, was waking frequently at night at 19 months) Your toddler and baby will slowly find a better sleep routine, and wont be waking at night forever .

Hugs to all having sleepless nights xxxxoooo

Baby wakes, feed it, elbow dh in the kidneys and hand it over. Every time.
Don't even get out of bed when you have finished feeding. Elbow. Hand over baby. Roll over and go back to sleep. The resettling is entirely dh's job.

There are all sorts of ridiculous women that will bleat about how important their dh's jobs are, but as someone up thread said, unless he's performing brain surgery, your sleep is just as important as his.

Feed. Elbow. Hand over baby. Go back to sleep.

Having had a baby that refused to do any other than breastfeed (he is now 13 and still alive) they do take a bottle eventually. For Ds it was ten months and I just refused to feed him any more. He caved in eventually and slept through within two days. I just turned the taps off and said 'done'. (That little charmer fed every two hours (from me) day and night for the entire ten months.

Force your dh to actually parent and you get some kip. He can bring the child and plug it in if required

It really does get easier, but do seek help if you need it. I frequently wanted to throttle the snoring man next to me, but it gave me great pleasure to wake him up to get out of bed and settle the baby, while I rolled over and closed my eyes.

This too shall pass.

Your not alone in feeling this. I hate my baby at night and feel so full of regret. I hope you managed to get some rest.