I want to hurt my baby

[ShameOhShame]

It's been another shitty night in a row, waking up every 1-2hours, crying fussy baby, takes ages to put him down to sleep, same thing days and nights, fucking hours of rocking the bastard to sleep only for him to scream suddenly and wake up again, I've had enough, I'm on my knees with exhaustion, I love him when I'm awake and trying to function normally but at night when he wakes me yet another time I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, I have to put him down before I do something terrible to him, I want to leave my house in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and never return, I want to leave him in the street for someone else to take care of him, I want to call my health visitor and tell her that I'm thinking about killing my baby and myself cause I won't be able to live with that so the ss take him away for ever, the worst thing is it's true, I want to put an end to it, I'm fucking exhausted I just can't do it any more, I wanted this baby so much and here I am now talking about killing him but he will kill me with exhaustion otherwise so it's me or him really, no one cares how I feel in all this, I need to protect myself, he's thriving while I'm wasting away

I've been there OP but I promise you it does get better. I have t read every single response so may be repeating here but I found acceptance was the key to feeling better. Once I stopped fighting and questioning the problem 'why won't he sleep? What's wrong with him? Have I caused this? How can I solve this?' And instead just accepted that he was a shit sleeper and I was just going to have to deal with it.

Dealing with it meant prioritising my sleep above all else and giving up on the idea ifs very clean house etc for a while.

They do start sleeping better eventually, and you do actually get used to the sleep deprivation in the end.

Sorry if none of the above is helpful but just know that you are NOT alone in feeling like this.

I used to get enraged with being woken and the unfairness of most men in the balance of care I've never been fortunate enough to be part of a team in a relationship ! I have to say things got 100% better for me when I split with ex in dealing with night time stuff it just instantly improved. No one to blame, not disturb, feel resentful towards only adding to the rage and no problem co sleeping. I'm of course not suggesting you or anyone split up but I find other people I speak to say the same ? Like my sister when her husband does nights she can settle her kids so much easier without someone else around adding pressure. I echo what others have said about yes tell your dr for sure and social services are there to help you and it sounds like you and your baby need some outside extra support. I hope things really improve for you keep coming back for support X

It will get easier op

We coslept and breast fed. Your DH needs to step up and take responsibility.

My DH worked 6am till 7pm Monday to Friday but he still helped. When he stepped through the door, he would take DS from me so I could go to the gym for an hour. I was always on my knees by the time he walked through the door. That hour was a life saver. My DH would then be on duty Friday and Saturday night each week. All night. Which meant I would sleep elsewhere (single bed) with ear plugs and he would being our baby to us for breast feeding and then he would settle him back in our double bed. DH just had to learn how to settle the baby - but we all had to learn at some point!

I probably would have moved to my mothers if he had been crap.

OP I think you need to start talking about things to your friends, family and HV. Tell them your husband is doing nothing at all and you are on your knees with exhaustion. SS won't remove a baby because the mother is utterly exhausted. A HV might try and arrange a short course of CBT (over the phone) if she suspects PND.

I would tell everyone just how unsupportive your DH is being and how you are utterly exhausted, having no sleep. Talk to his mother, talk to his friends who have babies themselves, talk to the HV. Get them all to have words with him. Get your friends to nag him!

I agree with everything everyone else has said. Especially the bit about talking g to friends and your GP or HV. They won't take your baby away, they will help you.
If your idiot husband refused to take the baby after a feed tonight, then force him awake every time the baby wakes up, make him stay awake with you and see what one night is like.
Then demand that the work is split from then on.

We are just coming out of the sleep regression. Its been hell but we are coming out of it now. We've been co-sleeping and feeding lying down for the last 4.5 weeks, its easier that way.
As for nappies, put the baby in the 12 hour overnight ones then his wee won't leak and you don't need to change him in the night.

Most important is for you to hand thebaby over, get some sleep and get some help.

So sorry for you OP.
Please take comfort from so many people telling you they have felt exactly the same way.
I know I did, when ds2 cried and cried, off and on, for most of the night.
Sleep deprivation is a killer. This is not the same as PND.
I don't think the medical profession really recognises this for the problem that it is.

Aldo I meant to say, its ok to leave the baby cry. You are not making him cry, you are letting him cry. Sometimes its like the airplane, you have to put on your own oxygen mask first before you can help your child.
Please ask for help, someone would love to help you and give you a break. Please talk to someone today. Also, Don't be surprised if you are unable to sleep at first when some kind person gives you a break, my mind used to be racing, it takes time to be able to sleep again after being deprived for so long.
You will get there. It does get better.

You've had so much good practical advice already so I just wanted to say that I've been there and it's bleak and miserable and it feels like you will never come out the other end. But you will, I promise you will.

Also OP. If you really do feel like you are going to hurt your baby. Put the baby in a cot and go for a walk or sit outside with a cuppa/fag.

What's your current sleeping setup? I really recommend taking the side off the cot and attaching it to your bed. I did this with bungee cords. Wedge the cot mattress tight up against yours and roll up blankets or towels to fill the gaps around the edges. I would basically roll the baby over, BF lying down and roll baby back, you're still woken up of course but not having to sit up makes tonnes of difference for me in the feeling rested stakes because you never get fully woken up.

This is a normal response to sleep deprivation .

Your DH HAS to step up. Show him this thread if need be. Especially all the posts which say this is a normal response and we have all been there.

I'm sure he wouldn't want you to feel this bad. He probably doesn't fully realise

He will manage to work fine with sleepless nights.

My DH is up a LOT with DD..we both are. .for weeks and months on end sometimes. She is 9 years old.

We have both worked on little sleep for 9 years.

So he can manage to work fine just now!

Sleep deprivation is a method of torture. OP.
I second what math said a while ago, I'd be inclined to stop walking around everywhere with ds in a sling and start walking him in a pram or buggy. If you're co-sleeping with him too then I image he just wants the closeness of you constantly. You need space.
Also, there is no reason if DH works Mon-Fri that he can't help out considerably on his days off! When do you get days off???
If not then I'd sleep in the daytime when ds does and to hell with tidying, cleaning, washing, cooking etc etc etc. DH is being a selfish arse.
Hope things improve soon although I know you can't see an end when you're going through it and you think life will always be like this (DS had colic and HV unhelpfully brushed my worries/exhaustion away and bluntly told me he'd grow out of it. Which of course he did eventually).
It's impossible for you to envisage right now but I'm now 15yrs down the line and it's a challenge getting DS out of bed!
Keep going, you're doing great

Hi, OP.

I hope you can reach out and ask for help. Even if it means giving your baby a formula feed, you honestly need to recharge. My son went on and on and on, too, and I ended up so tired that I would start crying in the shops or any random location.

I know it seems a big ask, but if I were your friend, and I knew how you felt, I would be all too willing to help out to give you the sleep you need. Tell people how desperate you are - your siblings, friends, Mum. It gets better, promise, but you just have got to let people know so they can help you.

Also to add - the constant closeness of co-sleeping and exclusively breastfeeding was damaging me too. Give the baby to your husband or someone else as much as you can. You need time and space away from him (the baby).

Feed. Elbow. Hand over baby. Go back to sleep exactly this.

My dh is a baker. Wakes at ungodly hours and works with ovens. When he is overly tired the potential is that he could hurt himself the potential for an overtired mum is significantly worse.

Definitely didn't want to read and run YOU ARE DOING GREAT OP!

He can help on his days ON too IMO

DS had a horrible sleep pattern at 4 months, waking every 1.5-2 hours. I couldn't get back to sleep in between as I was just laying there waiting for the next cry. I also used to dream about leaving so I could sleep.

At 5 months I was broken. So DH did the nights and I slept elsewhere with earplugs. DH shh patted him back to sleep as much as he could. If DS wouldn't settle he would bring him in for a fed, then take him back to the cot settle him back to sleep. It took about 10 days but DS then slept 7-7 waking once for a feed.

With the sling for naps try pottering around until he looks like he's dropping off then transfer & pat to sleep. Takes a while but it helps them settle on their own.

My oh didn't take me seriously till I asked quite calmly for a divorce, you see if we split up then he would have him at weekends and I would get some sleep. I genuinely couldn't see a down side to it. It made him step up and he took one of the weekend night shifts. Sleep deprivation is horrific - my DS didn't sleep through regularly till he was 8 !!! Now at 13 he's a "Kevin" and has to be dragged out if bed.

Total sympathies OP
Don't feel bad. This is the sleep deprivation. It is utterly awful. Your DH needs to step up!
But yes, if you feel like that, put baby somewhere safe (eg cot) and step away until you feel better able to cope.

Didn't want to read and run, but you're definitely not alone in thinking like this. As everyone has said your DH needs to step up and take over one night time waking. But if he's precious about his sleep (who isn't?!) then try leaving him with the baby in the evening while you get an early night. I've been going to bed at 9 while DH stays up with DD, then follows me at 11 (or later). That couple of hours make a huge difference.

I read somewhere that getting 4 hours sleep in a continuous block really helps your mental health, so on the weekend making sure that you get that should be your DH's goal.

Good luck! It will pass, honest.

Agree your DH needs to step up. Mine slept in a different room from birth pretty much until I couldn't cope anymore. Big mistake which we both learned from.

buy one of every type of bottle. When my last 2 babies were breastfed they did the exact same refusal of bottles, but I eventually found one that they didnt hate as much. They were the MAM anti colic bottles with the flat textured teats that are a bit more nipple like.

Id suggest perservering with bottles because it sounds like everything is on you right now x

Just another thought - I would much rather go to work after a night of sleep deprivation than look after a baby all day. I think even if they get up in the night DH's have it easier.

I was where you are now around 3 years ago. It was fucking awful. Bottle refuser, dummy refuser, would wake every 50 minutes through the night so 6-9 wakings was average. I was on ny knees with exhaustion. His day naps were 20 minutes or so. He could stay awake for 9 hours straight. Even HV were stumped. One gave bad advice: if he's hungry enough he'll take a bottle. He went 16 hours refusing a bottle. Sixteen hours without food or liquid at four months. He was hysterical. I gave in eventually and offered boob.I felt as you feel now. Not all the time of course, but the depths of despair are deep indeed.First of all, your baby's sleeping is NOTHING YOU ARE DOING WRONG. That needed caps as I cant emphasise it enough. I tried to figure out where I was going wrong compared to everyone else with ds1 but now that I've had 2 more dc I realised sleep is their own. Dc2 was so textbook and like a 'normal baby' that what my nct buddies used to say about their babies' ways suddenly made sense and dc3 was laughably easy. Slept easily and in long chunks from an early age. Nothing I did wny different.2. He will grow out of this. In fact ds1 became an easy bedtime and night sleeper and I was getting more sleep than many at the 14m mark. No hassle getting him to sleep and no wakings in the night. 3. Insisting on a full night's sleep because he has a day job is not reasonable. Sorry but it's not. Millions of parents go to work on broken sleep. Routinely so. American women not entitled to any paid maternity leave and paltry annual leave allowance, or women like me whose maternity leave ends before baby sleeps through. We get up and go to work on the 7th shitty night in a row. You CAN function so your DH must stop being a baby about this. At the very LEAST he can agree to take the baby off you for settling if it's after 5am. Many many people get up at 5 to catch their train to london in my neighbourhood. It sucks but its part of being a grown up. They do it every day for years and im sure of those commuters, some have small children waking them, too.You have come to rely on the boob to settle ds because it works but he cant possibly NEED milk an hour since last feed. He's not a newborn anymore and your milk should be established now. Dh will learn to settle ds by other means (be that jiggling, pacing, swaying, taking him out in a baby carrier - all the things formula feeding parents must do because you can't make up bottles as easily as whipping out a nipple). He will learn what works and, if your ds is anything like mine, will soon settle more easily for dh than for mum with the boobs. My ds would go to bed no problem as a unless it was me trying to settle him without boob.I cant say what will work for you but here is what did and sisnt work for me:At 4 and a hald months we, in desperation, tried sleep training. Ferber type method. Disastrous. Seriously, don't do it. We gave up after it became apparent he becomes hysterical if crying and then can sleep even less.We (that is to say I, as it was still boob or bust) soldiered on. Then at around 6m we made the rule that if it has been less than 4 hours since last feed, dh does it. Baby is none of my business.That one thing improved my sleep IMMEDIATELY. I went to bed having fed ds and felt so free, so off duty for the first time, I fell into the deepest sleep I had for months. It would be dh going in 50minutes from now. Hurrah!Thay first night, I woke after 4 hours of deep sleep and dc was crying. I went in to feed him and went back to bed, skipping at all that sleep and knowing I now had another 4 hours of off duty time.The little fucker chose that night to do two 4 hr blocks dor the first time so, dh didn't even have to get up!! And the following message night? Slept through! Fortunately those two nights were fluke and dh got to experience my normal nights for himsrlf after that.Even waking up and hearing the baby cry left me better rested if I was not the only one getting up to settle him each time. Staying in bed hearing someone else settle him 6x was better than doing it all myself 4x. Men who whine , 'well he wakes me up too' don't appreciate this difference.At ten months we tried sleep training again using pupd methid and dh did it, and it worked quite well. Hed get cuddled by dh until drowsy and then put in the cot. Dh would pick him up and repeat. Ds became a decent sleeper but only for dh at first.There are times in the night when you need to have your baby taken away from you so that his cries are not all yours to fix. dh needs to be a parent at night too, just like millions of other working parents have to just before going in to work. And it WILL get better. The above are just needed to see you through the next few months until it does.