I want to hurt my baby

[ShameOhShame]

It's been another shitty night in a row, waking up every 1-2hours, crying fussy baby, takes ages to put him down to sleep, same thing days and nights, fucking hours of rocking the bastard to sleep only for him to scream suddenly and wake up again, I've had enough, I'm on my knees with exhaustion, I love him when I'm awake and trying to function normally but at night when he wakes me yet another time I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, I have to put him down before I do something terrible to him, I want to leave my house in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and never return, I want to leave him in the street for someone else to take care of him, I want to call my health visitor and tell her that I'm thinking about killing my baby and myself cause I won't be able to live with that so the ss take him away for ever, the worst thing is it's true, I want to put an end to it, I'm fucking exhausted I just can't do it any more, I wanted this baby so much and here I am now talking about killing him but he will kill me with exhaustion otherwise so it's me or him really, no one cares how I feel in all this, I need to protect myself, he's thriving while I'm wasting away

The pans were a spurt of the moment but worked a treat ;) I can't really afford a hotel on maternity allowance but it's a beautiful day today so a nice walk in the frosty sunny countryside (it's a small town) will do me more good I think

Good some quality time with baby is what u need

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say that it's so brave of you to have admitted all this. It is shitty and difficult when you've wanted a baby for so long and feel under so much pressure to 'enjoy and cherish every moment' when actually babies can be the most draining things in the world. Just a a suggestion that worked for me (I also have a husband who works so therefore must get sleep ) could you go to the doctor and explain that you are exhausted - your gp could then suggests he take some time off work to give you a day of rest. Sod that he claims he doesn't know what to do- tell him just to take your baby for a long, long walk in his pram or something so that you can have some time alone. Sometimes that can be nearly as restorative as a sleep. Good luck

Can you Google Salvation Army and your location and go there if/when you get cold? They'll have baby equipment/toys (from play groups) a kitchen (from commmunity meals) and granny lore so you can sit for 5 while an old dear strokes his cheek. It's family day every day there. If you just turn up, maybe even make a quip about room at the inn they'll be delighted to assist you for an hour.

You do sound more positive today, the change of scene, and being a way from Mr Selfish twatchild will be a tonic.

Its only a shame you didn't grab his credit cards on the way out

Good to go to the Dr. in the morning.

Here's hoping that your DH has a good long look at himself and realises that he needs to fucking step up or risk losing his family. (if he hasn't already).

Hold on to that anger - it raises your adrenalin!

Ok so I just read a bit further up- wow this thread has moved on a lot! Sorry my message will have sounded very trite and naive- I hope you are ok today and that you get the good advice and support that you need and deserve.

I got hold of my only local childless friend and will meet him in the afternoon. Will probably stay there for a few hours around a cuppa. Ds doesn't like me to stop walking with him in the sling so I'm looking forward to a few hours of walking which will do me good. Loads of fresh air here

Charge your phone when you're at your friends.

OP, my DS2 was exactly as you describe your baby at night. He still wakes me once or twice a night, most nights. I cannot describe the exhaustion, rage and hopelessness I felt, it got me very very down indeed at times.

He turned out to have silent reflux, which meds helped with but didn't eliminate entirely. Now he just wakes from habit I think, as he doesn't wake when he stays over at his father's house. It really would be worth getting your baby checked over for reflux/silent reflux.

Big hugs to you OP. Really hope you get rest, support and DS settles.

Once you have a moment to think, it might be helpful to keep a list of what you are doing/trying to settle DS. That way you can show a doctor/health care worker and not be trying to think thru the haze. Might help eliminate ideas or find some patterns.

So sorry this has been so rough.

Glad you're taking him drs, poor thing sounds in pain with whatever intolerance. I would refuse to leave until they took it seriously

You go girl! You're taking control and you are amazing.
I still honestly think that you need a pram for ds. He might settle more if he's laid out straight and not constantly squished against you. Just a thought. Might be completely wrong.

Christ, I think you must be a saint. I would have gone completely insane at that. And make no mistake, my husband is a bastard in other ways but even he wouldn't dare (he would never make it out alive...)

You sound like you are taking control back and getting out, which is great, but this bloke needs to go. I hope you are going to your family without him xx

Op I agree with everyone who says you are sounding strong. Considering the sleep deprivation on top of everything else that is a miracle.

Might have been said already so apologies if repeating but my dd did foul-smelling, green poos when she was teething. Her sleeping always got worse than ever during those periods too.

Ps agree with everyone else. You sound so strong.

rainbow A decent, correctly-fitted sling is always a better option than a pram for facilitating sleep and settling a baby, if the baby is amenable to one, especially if there is a possibility of silent reflux as the baby is kept upright. It's why slings have been in use for many, many more millennia than prams.

OP, are you in the UK? Are your family coming to you for Christmas or are you going to them? If the latter, I wonder if there any way that you could change your flights and go out sooner for their support? Alternatively, could they come to you earlier than planned? This thread is wonderful but you urgently need RL support.

Good luck.

Can you ring to see if you can change your plane ticket?

How are you tonight OP? xx

Wondering how you are and where you are too?

How are you doing OP? This article may interest you, as it explains just how normal your feelings are when you are sleep deprived.

Good luck with the Drs shame. Don't leave until they give you the help you need xx

How you doing OP?

If you're in the UK see about getting referred to Homestart. Just a couple of hours a week of someone to chat to and to hold your baby for you while you have a cup of tea in peace was invaluable to me.

Hope you are going OK OP