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Original poster

I want to hurt my baby

371 replies

ShameOhShame · 12/12/2015 03:10

It's been another shitty night in a row, waking up every 1-2hours, crying fussy baby, takes ages to put him down to sleep, same thing days and nights, fucking hours of rocking the bastard to sleep only for him to scream suddenly and wake up again, I've had enough, I'm on my knees with exhaustion, I love him when I'm awake and trying to function normally but at night when he wakes me yet another time I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, I have to put him down before I do something terrible to him, I want to leave my house in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and never return, I want to leave him in the street for someone else to take care of him, I want to call my health visitor and tell her that I'm thinking about killing my baby and myself cause I won't be able to live with that so the ss take him away for ever, the worst thing is it's true, I want to put an end to it, I'm fucking exhausted I just can't do it any more, I wanted this baby so much and here I am now talking about killing him but he will kill me with exhaustion otherwise so it's me or him really, no one cares how I feel in all this, I need to protect myself, he's thriving while I'm wasting away

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
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feelingcrossagain · 13/12/2015 09:06

Just read up thread and see people are suggesting reflux, cows milk protein allergy. Our son had this, was on ranitidine and omeprazole, high doses from paediatrician. We also gave hm calpol for the pain. You need to hold your ds upright after every feed otherwise the acid from his stomach will burn his throat. You can get a special hypo allergic formula from the gp, neutramigen, orbuy it online but is very expensive. Took breast fed ds months to take it from a bottle, it tastes boggin', but he did in the end. And the pain and screaming did stop. Good luck OP.
Ps, I cut dairy, soya and eggs from my diet until ds was on bottle as these are common causes of food intolerance in babies.

3sugarsplease · 13/12/2015 10:04

Not to hijack this thread but does anyone have experience in how many trips to the doctor before il get prescribed something other than gaviscon? I've had 3 trips so far... And my HV just says see the doctor. I cut out dairy for 2/3 weeks and didn't notice an improvement.

3sugarsplease · 13/12/2015 10:05

Sorry to hijack feelingcross X

3sugarsplease · 13/12/2015 10:06

Sorry misread, sorry to hijack shame

Original poster
ShameOhShame · 13/12/2015 10:16

I thought yesterday was bad but today is even worse. Ds gave me enough sleep to be able to walk today (2hrs+1hr+3hrs) but was very gassy and I had to massage his belly at 3 occasions. Poo still green. At 3am, during a feed, I heard drunk dh silently coming into the room accompanied by some disgusting smell. He tried to get in bed with us! I had to repeat 'Go to the spare room' 3 times for him to understand, he then mumbled sth unintelligible and left. Yes. He was so drunk he couldn't speak and he expected me and ds to share the bed with him! Obviously no shifts overnight.

In the morning I fed and prepared ds for the day. Dh asleep. The bathroom was in a state - loose change on the floor, a shit in the toilet plus his clothes scattered across the flat. I prepared breakfast for myself and went to the living room to find the source of the smell. A huge pool of red white vomit on the floor with pieces of food in it. Yes. He got sick, shat and left it all to join his little family in the marital bed.

I lost it. I fucking lost it. I grabbed two frying pans and run to the spare room to bang them above his head. He was pleasantly surprised to see me and didn't remember anything from the previous night. I called him all the names under the sun, shouted that he had fucking ruined his marriage, packed the baby bag, grabbed ds and left. I don't want to come back. I don't fucking want to see him any more. Useless wanker. Miserable waste of space.

We're on a train going to a nearby pittoresque town. I can't even stay in the same town he does.

I cherished this guys, thought he was the most wonderful person in the world. The disappointment hit me in the face.

Oh and he still doesn't understand the problem. He was surprised why I was so furious as 'he would clean it'. I don't know if I should laugh or cry

OP posts:
Eminado · 13/12/2015 10:22

3 sugars it took me a lot if trips. Try showing them a video, or feeding in front of them (i did all this). We ended up at a&e as i was so
Close to a breakdown but a pvt paed is also an idea.

Eminado · 13/12/2015 10:24

Oh dear OP. Do you have money for a hotel?

afreshstartplease · 13/12/2015 10:31

Good god op?

FellOffMyUnicorn · 13/12/2015 10:32

Oh no OP - do you have any family that you can go to?

TheoriginalLEM · 13/12/2015 10:39

Sweetheart, please go to someone, a friend, family - anyone who will support you. You are beyond exhausted and I am really worried about you and your baby.

Can you go to your parents? call them? get them to come and get you - its cold, have you got enough stuff for the baby?

DH is an utter selfish cunt, you are right but you now need to prioritise your own health and that of your child, deal with the man child later.

Go and have a coffee somewhere (decaff if you are breast feeding - oh, the irony, you probably need caffiene but with baby the way he is i don't think its the best idea). A big fat slice of cake for energy, breathe and call someone.

Branleuse · 13/12/2015 10:43

fucking hell. Sounds like he was nice to begin with but as soon as under pressure, you not only cannot rely on him to step up, he actively makes everything more shit for you

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 13/12/2015 10:52

Yes yes yes everything lem said! Gi to your parents today. Beg, steal it borrow the money if you need to but go. You need help, and your husband is a pathetic cunt of a man who only thinks about himself!

I'm so angry on your behalf OP AngrySad

Suzy4321 · 13/12/2015 10:59

I think you are dealing with 2 babies. The only problem is the arrogant adult one. You need out. I really think you need to go stay with friends or fuck it family (thousands of miles away could be what u need).

Embolio · 13/12/2015 11:00

OP I read you first post and and was logging on to tell you you are absolutely not alone - my ds1 sounds very similar to your baby and I was in a very similar place to where you are. In my case I did have pnd and recovered after counselling/ad's BUT even without that, the sleep deprivation is horrendous. So many women go through this - please don't feel ashamed or alone.

I would be absolutely raging at your husband for last night. But for the moment is there anyone locally that can support you? As other posters have said I think you need to reach out to family, friends and be really honest about how tough things are and how you feel. If your family are far away can you travel to them, or would they come to you? My mum lives in a different country but ended up staying with me for a month while I was at my worst. Situations like this are what family and friends are for.

I wonder if any mumsnetters are near you? I'm in Northern Ireland and if you are local happy to meet you for a coffee and/or to hold baby while you sleep. I remember those dark days all too well , you will come out the other side. Flowers

GreenRug · 13/12/2015 11:02

I take it all back, it sounds to me like he has to go. What an utter excuse for a husband and father.

Whatsinaname2011 · 13/12/2015 11:02

I want to add to the opinion that your DH is a dick.

Why must he be well rested to work but you don't have to be? Looking after a baby all day is hard work some people (nanny) make a career of it. A nanny can cost £25-30k a year to employ it's a well respected job with a lot of responsibility. You need your sleep.

If this is his general attitude I can't see how a marriage can work. Maybe you should make a GP appointment and go with DH and the baby. Cry and sob and scream to the GP and be honest about how you feel. The GP will explain to DH he needs to step up I'm sure. Especially if you request a female GP who may have been there herself.

EasterRobin · 13/12/2015 11:03

You'll be surprised how much people you know will want to help you. They will be sad that you are going through this alone. Your friends/neighbours/colleagues who have had babies will understand how upsetting and disorientating it can all be and will be genuinely pleased to help someone who is in this situation. For close friends and family, it won't matter at all why you feel like this... They will want to help you regardless. Time to arrange to stay with someone for a while (a few hours, a few days...anything so they can take the baby out of earshot and ideally further so you can get some guilt-free sleep and a mental break). Do it now. And don't feel bad.

Whatsinaname2011 · 13/12/2015 11:04

Woah cross post. After that update just fuck it. He needs to go I'm afraid. I can't see how it can be salvaged. Utter utter dick.

Suzy4321 · 13/12/2015 11:04

Obviously not giving out your address but what area are u in. E.g Essex, Suffolk, as people may know of groups or places in your area for help and advice. Like I say not your actual address. Myself is easy Anglia, I know of a few places around that would help

rainbowstardrops · 13/12/2015 11:05

I'm even angrier now on your behalf than I was earlier! What an utter bastard?!
I'm actually glad you've taken ds and not just flounced off on your own because now you don't have to go back until you're ready. If at all.
I know you said your family live thousands of miles away and that you're seeing them for Christmas but is there any way you can feasibly bring that arrangement forward? Easier said than done I know.
My heart really is going out to you. You deserve so much better.
I wonder if any mumsnetters are near to you? You need support. Now.

horseygeorgie · 13/12/2015 11:10

Can you go to your parents? Massive hugs, this sounds like hell on Earth.

Chippednailvarnish · 13/12/2015 11:12

Book a flight and go to your family. You have nothing to lose.

Original poster
ShameOhShame · 13/12/2015 11:14

Hi, even in my utter rage I thought about ds, I have his baby bag with me with everything, nappies, extra clothes... I made sure he would be fine. We're sitting in a coffee shop right now listening to Christmas carrols...going for a stroll soon.

My family is in another country, tickets will be super expensive and I'm going there in a week anyway. Best friend is in yet another country. People I know here I met them when ds was born at baby groups - I don't feel like I can crush in their place sobbing and asking for help - they also go through rough patches with their dc plus it's a family day today. I'll be fine. Going to see a gp first thing tomorrow morning. No point taking dh with me - he will consider it my problem that I need to sort out and won't understand how that could be connected to his actions. I need to be alone today (well with ds but he's no bother lets me think) and maybe in tge near future

OP posts:
ASAS · 13/12/2015 11:14

I'm not being funny but if anyone can do this you can. You're coming across as very strong (and dare I say witty) so once DS is sorted you'll breeze it.

The town you're going to, can you book into a hotel there? Literally the 2 if you lie on a bed (or sit) and just eat and sleep.

You're potentially winning the internet re the frying pans. He'll tell you you're mad - don't believe it!

FellOffMyUnicorn · 13/12/2015 11:20

Love your frying pans! you rock!!

can you move the tickets to go see family earlier? who are you flying with?