I want to hurt my baby

[ShameOhShame]

It's been another shitty night in a row, waking up every 1-2hours, crying fussy baby, takes ages to put him down to sleep, same thing days and nights, fucking hours of rocking the bastard to sleep only for him to scream suddenly and wake up again, I've had enough, I'm on my knees with exhaustion, I love him when I'm awake and trying to function normally but at night when he wakes me yet another time I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, I have to put him down before I do something terrible to him, I want to leave my house in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and never return, I want to leave him in the street for someone else to take care of him, I want to call my health visitor and tell her that I'm thinking about killing my baby and myself cause I won't be able to live with that so the ss take him away for ever, the worst thing is it's true, I want to put an end to it, I'm fucking exhausted I just can't do it any more, I wanted this baby so much and here I am now talking about killing him but he will kill me with exhaustion otherwise so it's me or him really, no one cares how I feel in all this, I need to protect myself, he's thriving while I'm wasting away

Hello sweetheart
I had hallucinations and wanted to hurt my baby and myself when he was a few weeks old. All professionals were very kind and understanding and supported me. Its perfectly obvious to them that you are a good mother who cares deeply about her child, but who needs a bit of rest and support in order to be on top of her game. Social Services will not remove your child or do anything sinister if you reach out for support, so please don't let that hold you back.
My DS is one year old this week and sometimes he sleeps all night. He always sleeps at least from 7-1, and I can do whatever I like in the evenings. Tonight I watched TV and knitted, but some nights I go to bed early. When my DS was your DS' age I could not believe that this was in my future, because I was in such desperate hell. I truly believe that between 4-6 months are worse than the newborn days. My DS would scream until he was sick unless I took him to bed with me at 2pm and we stayed there feeding/dozing until DH came home at 6:30pm and rescued me. The rest of the time we were either walking the streets or he was in his bouncy chair in front of the TV because I was so desperate for him to be quiet and go to sleep. I'm not proud of those days, but that's how we survived, and it doesn't appear to have done him any damage. I have no family or childless friends around either, so I truly appreciate how it is to be doing this alone.
I have been on ADs since I was a teenager, and took them during DS' conception, pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding, and I still take them now. There are safe options for breastfeeding and I really think they could help to lift you up a little. They won't make him sleep more or make you feel less tired, but they might help you feel more able to cope with the shit being thrown your way.
Your husband needs his arse kicked. Your DS is 50% his and he needs to be responsible for 50% of his care. Do you get on with his mother? Can she call him and give him a severe bollocking talking to? I also second what a PP said about any friends' partners having a word, because it's not ok for him to be leaving you with all the work. He needs to understand that what you do is work. It's not a job, but it is hard fucking work.
Lots of love to you. You can and will get through this and be in the position I'm in now, but you do need more support.

Just wanted to offer support.
I have been in the same fuck awful sleep deprived nightmare as you and when I was at my lowest the lovely ladies in mumsnet talked me down and for that I'm eternally grateful.

It will pass. Although this feels like a never ending form of torture it will get better.
Mine are now 7 and 3 and sleep all night but I can still remember the year of hell with dc1 when they had silent reflux and I didn't get more than a couple of hours in broken.
It's hell but really your DH needs to step up and help. You need some time away from the screaming and noise and the constant tension of waiting for a wake up. You need time to relax.

Sending a very unmumsnetty hug

Agree with PP - can you pay for a night nanny or sleep consultant?? This is an emergency and is worth using savings for if you have any.

Or there are some sleep sites which are really affordable and do email plans for naps etc. Worth investigating??

Neither - I read the article. Ds poos have been green today but not frothy. I think he eats all the milk from one breast (he has one at each feed) and he self-regulates the time but I will pay extra attention tonight.

Everyone - thank you so much for your kind words which made me cry. I feel like I've been crying all the day today. Motherhood is such a lonely journey isn't it? That is definitely not how I imagined this or my relationship after the baby. I will try to sleep now with ds who hasn't slept properly for hours. Wish me luck. And thank you again

Breastfeeding peer supporter here and skinned This thread. OP I think your baby is in pain, they feed like this as breast milk has pain relief properties. Now I would guess it's silent reflux or cows milk protein intolerance. For the latter you have to be very strict and remove all dairy/milk from your diet. And probably soya at the same time. These proteins pass through into your milk and can take up to 2 weeks to leave your milk. BUT you should see improvement within 24 hours. It's not enough to just eliminate milk, everything like cheese, butter, most margarines, chocolate, etc check the back of packets for allergens.

My dd had this and as soon as I quit dairy we were left with a different child.

I wouldn't advise switching to formula until you find out if baby has silent reflux or cows milk protein intolerance, because formula is made from cows milk, and silent reflux still happens to bottle fed babies.

Try the milk elimination give it about a week or two.

If no improvement then seek out advice from GP/HV for silent reflux. You need to make them aware of what's happening because unfortunately it can take some time before they take you seriously or prescribe anything. Hopefully you have good GP and HV. But if you don't see them they can't help you. If you just talk to them about sleep deprivation they may not focus on the baby but more on you and ignore a possible root cause. But if you tell them you think the baby is in pain and explain the green poo, arching back, gassy behaviour then they may get to the bottom of it faster.

You have my sympathies and I can't believe your DH is not worried about this, not just you but his own child too. Perhaps a diagnosis will help him get his act together.

Rotovirus? With the green smelly poo? If you read any of my posts this is me, all I can add is you are not alone, I feel like Jekyll and Hyde by day/night something about the night time no sleep, fidgeting,whinging, fussing, feeding in uncomfortable positions really really fucks me off. Like a switch. I don't know what to recommend because realistically you probably know most of what you can do, just know it's not just you, lots of us feel like that too, and get your husband to pull his head out of his arse because I'm guessing it was a conscious joint decision to have a baby!! Take it out on him not the baby

shame honestly everything you are saying about your DS sounds exactly like my DD who had silent reflux and cmpi!!

Taking ages to fall asleep, waking up screaming from sleep, feeding constantly, coming on/off fighting boob etc, green poos, frequent poos, stomach cramps/gassiness, only sleeping on you etc.

Honestly, I'm 100% certain that's what it is.

Cut out all dairy and soy from your diet.

Get the OHGP (tomorrow am if not tonight) to prescribe omeprazole Asap!!!!!! It should make a difference very quickly.

Look up my old threads there's is lots of advice from experienced posters on them which will help you and also my posts from the thread I linked to up thread....

It WILL get better!!!! You will survive this xx

Hello - please phone Charlotte from Milk Matters. She is a lactation consultant based in West Yorkshire. She can recommend lactation consultant nearer to you if necessary. She assess and treats mums/babies from all over the country. Wholeheartedly agree there is most likely a physical cause for baby to be so unsettled. I have medical background and also from personal experience what you are describing sounds very much like reflux and /or cows milk intolerance/allergy/tongue tie.

My DS now 16 months had severe undiagnosed tongue tie until 7 months old, he had never slept more than 30 mins in his life. Grunted groaned all night long. He also was cows milk intolerant. Sadly, GPs/HV/midwives never diagnosed any of his issues and as a consequence I suffered immensely at the time with PND. Good news though is that there is a raft of support out there from people who know their stuff. Do pm me if you need any other help. Also many fb support groups for reflux/tongue tie/cmpa (cows milk protein allergy). X X X X

milkmatters.org.uk

OP Ive been where you are with my eldest. I will come back later but you can survive this. It's hellish though.

Have you tried giving the bottle when he's in his bouncy chair? Or using a medicine dummy and putting a wee bit milk in it so he gets the idea? Ds used to have to be in the bouncy chair, turned away from me and have the bottle held at just the right angle for him to take 2oz . It was a battle to get to that stage tbh but it was worth it.

Ps, my DD had tongue tie too!

Anterior and posterior both had to be snipped. They said she was 75% tongue tied all in all!

She also had/has a lazy/shallow latch (from the tongue tie initially but then she just developed bad habits I couldn't correct)

Worth getting a referral to infant feeding specialist when you see the GP. Or you can pay privately I believe.

Some TTs are hard to spot and as someone said up thread, without specialist training they are easily missed.

The MW at my birth said DD was fine when even I could see the TT clear as day!

Ds2 had tongue tie, wouldn't take a bottle. I tried every one on the market. Then when he was just starting solids I tried him with very warm water from a bottle, and he had no problem. At all.

He'd only drink the expensive made up stuff you can get. But it needed to be a bit hotter than you would expect to make it

Ds1 was like your baby op. Never slept, I was deranged with an unsupportive h. I even emailed Gina Ford to pay her to come and sort it out I was that desperate!

I think it was wind, I think I fed him too often as he'd appear to want to be fed all the time. We tried ticking clocks, warming the cot, even me putting him in the cot with my boob still in his mouth. I think as soon as he wS a year old I gave him some kind of antihistamine for 3 nights. Seemed to get him into the habit of sleeping

Shame, I just want to take up a phrase you used -- your DS isn't angry when he cries.

Baby cries can sound angry, but they are not expressing anger. He is not angry with you. His cries only sound like that.

Your DH otoh, is imo angry with you for some reason. And resentful, and up himself; and what he did, getting ready for the Christmas party (ffs) for an hour leaving you unable to have dinner was cruel. You wouldn't treat a dog the way he treated you.

...............

Take the baby to the doctor on Monday but preferably OOH GP on Sunday and get a full once over done, including checking for ear infections. That can cause them to unlatch too.

Shame, some men use the fact that they can't breastfeed the baby as an excuse for not taking responsibility for their child
this includes not taking part of the night shift with the baby (using either expressed milk or bottles) and not spending much time caring for baby
It is a backward, macho- head attitude from the 1950's and prior , and possibly due to the way these men have been brought up
It is 2015 Time for zero tolerance for this shit i agree with others, get angry with him, not baby But above all, be kind to yourself at this difficult time so that you can be well enough to care for your baby (don't feel you need to get into arguments with husband, just don't take any crap and keep making plans for being kind to yourself and baby each and every day)

Is it possible to call/text family who u r seeing at Christmas that you need to chat with them one-one for an hour (pub/coffee shop?) when they come
Get support honey & don't make motherhood lonely by not reaching out
So many lovely parents on here r saying that yes it is shit, but u don't need to do it alone

Morning OP. How was last night?

I'm another one joining in to say I've been exactly where you are (although thankfully without the DH troubles), and it is absolute hell. I used to pray that DP and DD would just somehow be gone, so I didn't have to do it any more and be answerable to anyone. My thinking was so skewed that I honestly would have left DD somewhere, it was only fear of people asking me where she was and judging me that made me keep her.

DD had silent reflux and lots of what you're saying chimes with me like it has with other posters. If it's your first it's hard to realise what other babies are like, they shouldn't fight when feeding, they should settle back to sleep relatively quickly afterwards, they shouldn't scream every time they wake. It took my fabulous HV (yes, there is one!) to look at DD feeding and me trying to settle her afterwards to diagnose it. We started several different treatments and it did get sorted.

Oh OP, I've just caught up from when you stormed out yesterday. You poor thing - I'd have done exactly the same and called him the same names!!!
I am and that even after all this, your (D)H couldn't lay off the booze to help you out. Fair enough go to the Xmas party but he didn't need to intend to get drunk and go into town afterwards knowing how desperate you are feeling right now. I'd be fuming!!!!
Well, today is your Christmas party! Get up, plonk ds on his lap and bugger off out! Go to the cinema, go shopping, go book a hotel room - go do whatever you want! Just like he does. See if he doesn't give the situation any thought then.
Bloody infuriating arse

Mornin OP, how are things today?

I found the first months very lonely, yes. I finally dragged myself out to a local group and sat feeling miserable, complaining about exhaustion. I thought everyone would judge me and hate me but I made some lovely new friends and I don't make friends easily. They are now, two years later, brilliant support.

There is light at the end of this tunnel

I hope DH is with your wee one and you're sleeping still.

I've not RTFT but another sympathetic survivor here. Everything you've said is so familiar. Those early months were the worst of my life and I also found myself considering dreadful things.

I have no advice (except to speak to your HV. They might be able to talk some sense into your DH) but just wanted to say that you aren't alone and that you will survive.

I did not believe that I would but we're a all still here and we're mostly happy.

You poor thing. I can totally empathise as I was in a similar state when my DS was little. It turns out he has multiple food allergies. Cutting dairy out of my diet helped massively but the thing that made the big difference was cutting out soya. DS slept through the next day and was a very good sleeper from then on.

Perhaps keep a food diary to see if there's a pattern?

Good morning OP. You've had some fantastic advice overnight. How was your night? More unmumsnetty hugs from me.

I would take him Gp and tell them about the green poo, not normal. They'll probably want a sample

Hi op, I haven't commented yet as you've had loads of great advice. I hope you are ok this morning. I have felt the same as you with both my children-dd I just couldn't believe how hard it was. So hard. I threatened all sorts but it got better it really did. Ds is 5mo and his sleep isn't brilliant. Although I regularly wish him away o do love him and I know that this isn't going to last forever. It's bone achingly hard, it really is but you do love him or you wouldn't be writing any of this xxx

I haven't time to read the whole thread but here was my experience.
Ds was similar, woke 5 to 7 times a night and needed to be held to get to sleep. I got so exhausted I stopped being able to sleep even when I had the chance. Iwas so tired I was having accidents, slammng ds 's head on things as I couldn't judge distances. At best I was getting three hours a night in short broken pieces. It was awful.
By seven and a half months we decided to sleep train. I put ds in his own room, took away his dummy and sat with him till he fell asleep. From that he learnt how to put him self to sleep and went overnight from waking 5 to seven times a night to twice a night.
Keep going with the bottle. It took many months for us but ds did eventually take it.

Op, I posted up thread and have followed since. Your dh is not a lost cause in my opinion. That is not to say he's behaving well right now. On discovering I had pnd again (with dc2), my dh did something very similar (went on preplanned jolly). I was dumbfounded, distraught, furious, and had to look after a 2 month old and 2 year old for the weekend alone. I think your dh going out may have been a good thing, the tension of yesterday was never going to get any better. So, what i did and what I suggest you do, is sit down with him today and spell out very calmly, the implications of his actions. How you are judging him based on his actions and right now his actions are those of someone you don't want to be married to. You are willing to write last night off as a bad reaction to realising how bad things had become for you but from this point onwards you're either in this together or you go your separate ways, and quickly. The more you impress on him that actually separation is the more attractive option for you right now, the better. Tell him you're going to be be assessed for PND, provide him with some web links explaining what it is and how bad it can get (he's seen nothing yet!). And then leave the ball in his court.
I say this as someone who was on my knees, had intrusive thoughts with both dc1 and 2. My dh did step up, we went on to have dc3 and i didn't get PND.
Good luck with today, his actions will tell you everything you need to know.