I want to hurt my baby

[ShameOhShame]

It's been another shitty night in a row, waking up every 1-2hours, crying fussy baby, takes ages to put him down to sleep, same thing days and nights, fucking hours of rocking the bastard to sleep only for him to scream suddenly and wake up again, I've had enough, I'm on my knees with exhaustion, I love him when I'm awake and trying to function normally but at night when he wakes me yet another time I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, I have to put him down before I do something terrible to him, I want to leave my house in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and never return, I want to leave him in the street for someone else to take care of him, I want to call my health visitor and tell her that I'm thinking about killing my baby and myself cause I won't be able to live with that so the ss take him away for ever, the worst thing is it's true, I want to put an end to it, I'm fucking exhausted I just can't do it any more, I wanted this baby so much and here I am now talking about killing him but he will kill me with exhaustion otherwise so it's me or him really, no one cares how I feel in all this, I need to protect myself, he's thriving while I'm wasting away

Hope Drs went OK Homestart sounds like a great idea, and not long until your family comes, too. Is it a bad idea now to go home with conditions on husband's behaviour, until your family comes? It is your home too

I didn't get a chance to check yesterday but would like to add my voice to the WHAT AN UTTER FUCKWIT group. Honest to god what a bloody child he is.

I hope everything went okay when you got home last night. Update us?

I'm thinking of you OP. If you are in the UK let us know, local MNers will be only too happy to help I'm sure. Soooooo many of us have been there, shitty husbands and all!

Please let us know how you are doing today

Hope your doc has been a good listener and has given you some help.

Hope you are feeling okay in yourself. Take care xx

Thank you for all your messages.

Ignored texts and calls from dh yesterday as needed a clear head. He wanted me to come home as he had invited his friends round some time ago and wanted to give them a chance to meet ds for the first time. Just why did he assume that in this fucked up situation his friends' needs are anywhere on my priorities list is beyond me. Anyway we (ds and I) had a nice to day to ourselves and I felt that I could breathe again.

Came home late to flowers, chocolates and some letters on the table. Couldn't be bothered to check them. Put ds to sleep, had dinner warmed up by dh (made by me the previous day obviously) and took a long hot shower. Ds who had woken up just before was screaming his head off all the time I was under shower, ignoring dh's attempts to calm him down. I felt for ds but felt strangely satisfied at the same time.

Dh suddenly decided he wanted to apply the shifts system and would take care if ds for a few hours to let me sleep but we live in a flat, ds was hysterical and I couldn't imagine how he wanted me to sleep in these conditions? So took ds off him (calmed instantly) and took him to bed. Dh comes and tries to take him away to 'let me sleep'. I refuse. He grabs ds and insists. 20 'leave him with me I don't want your help´ later he still tries to take him away so we have an argument over poor ds who is very distressed with that. I honestly don't know after how much time dh left the room but not before accusing me of playing with his mind because I refuse his help AND THEN accuse him of not helping. No love. That's the other way round.

He sent me an apologetic e-mail but focussing on ds' lack of sleep as a problem. I answered highlighting my exhaustion and his appalling lack if support as the main issue. No reply yet

Went to the GP this morning, got a prescription for Omeprazole (sp?) and an advice to get some help and contact hv. And get ds used to bottle with my expressed milk. Yeah. I knew that. But then what can he say, let me take care of your baby during a few days?

Tried to nap with ds but there are some works going on behind my bedroom window. Will try to sleep through that

Just why did he assume that in this fucked up situation his friends' needs are anywhere on my priorities list is beyond me

Sounds like, on a deep fundamental level, he just doesn't think you are as important as he is. You are desperate, furious, upset, on your knees with exhaustion and threatening divorce - but he wants to go to his Christmas party, so obviously that comes first. He sounds utterly baffled about why you don't see it the same way.

Is he meant to be going with you and DS to your family for Christmas? I'd leave him behind if I were you, tell your family everything, and spend a long, leisurely and supported time getting some rest and thinkin about what you want to do next.

Oh yes, I definitely second 53rd, don't go with him, go with just DS, tell your family just how awful your shitty husband is and don't be in any hurry to return home!

Perhaps spending Christmas alone without his wife and son will make him realise that maybe,just maybe, you were being serious about the divorce......

Much as your DH is a tool, I can understand his frustration, TBH. You did say you wanted to do shifts, he came to take over, you refused. I understand it entirely from your POV, but I can also see why he's missed the point.

I gave up very early on trying to get my DH to do 'shifts' with me. You will not sleep through the screaming as your DS needs you in the night, not just feeding. Everyone will get more sleep if you co-sleep in one room and DH is in another room.

You could give him 12oz of baby-rice-thickened formula in a bottle and I can guarantee you that your DS would be awake anyway 40-90 minutes later. He's just one of those babies that needs a high level of support to sleep. It's not hunger, it's a need for reassurance that only mum and boobs can provide. He may be doing a lot of non- nutritive sucking, which is why he unlatches with a let-down.

I would honestly forget about doing night shifts with your DH, but tell him to step up with everything else (cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes) so you can be as stationary as possible during the day and can co-sleep all naps as well to get in as much sleep as you can. Obviously, he can take your DS out for long walks/drives at the weekend and you can have a proper sleep then.

I'd also recommend booking your DS for a couple of mornings a week at a nursery, as he should now be old enough, if you can afford it. I have no family support and this gave me two mornings a week while I was on mat leave where I could just sleep solidly for three to four hours straight.

If it's any consolation, you do harden up. I went back to work full time when both of mine were still on 8+ wake ups per night. I've pretty much survived, but I do remember feeling at my lowest and most desperate at four months and seven months when I really thought I was going to die. Both of them (mostly) sleep through now

I am incensed that he wanted you to come home because his friends were visiting - he should have been wanting you to come home because he was worried about you and he should have told his friends that they couldn't come because you are unwell, or he is, whatever.

I think you are pretty bloody awesome actually - but do cut yourself some slack.

It is going to be difficult for the "shifts" to work if he is unable to settle the baby - its not surprising if you have been the only person doing this, so you are going to have to work together to make that work and that means it might be a bit up in the air for the first instance.

Look, he is being a cunt - a selfish, immature little cunt but he does APPEAR to be contrite (a teensy bit) but he really is going to have to realise that some flowers and chocolates aren't the answer.

As much as i wanted you to actually smash his head with the frying pans yesterday i think To move forward you both need to sit and talk without accusation, without the anger and frustration as how you are going to work togehter so that you AND your baby get enough rest. I honestly think you need to show him this thread because i can't help but wonder if your DH thinks you are coping when you aren't. That you are a coper and he can't compute the fact that actually, you are reaching the end of whats left of your tether and its affecting your mental and probably physical health. He really needs to know just how close to the edge you were.

What has also become apparent to me is that when you were away from him, the resentment and anger and desperation seemed to ebb away - now i don't know why this is, but this is something you need to discuss. Can you get past his lack of support? I would struggle if im really honest with the scenario that played out over this weekend but only you know how you feel.

I had PND and if i had to cope with an unsettled child on top of that i think it would have broken me, in fact reading your OP frightened me because it could have been me writing that. It took ME a long time to realise i was in trouble and it was hard for DP to understand too. Do consider this - i would be stunned if your mental health wasn't a little bit frayed around the edges just now and this would cloud your judgement of the situation with DP (I am not proud to say that i thought some evil thoguhts about my DP and even acted on some of them :( )

Here's hoping that the medication helps baby to settle and you get into a more restful pattern.

Your DH is certainly on a different planet and needed a good kicking.

However he will never be able to settle the baby if you don't let him

The baby is used to being settled by you - so understandably only wants you. You need to decide if you want to be in this position forever (fine, because there is plenty else he can do - take the baby in the mornings on weekends so you can lie-in, he can cook, clean, etc so you can nap when baby naps....) or you will have to steel yourself for a tough week where baby cries and gets used to being comforted by dad.

Baby won't come to any harm being upset - he will be being comforted just not by who he expects. It's not like you're leaving him to scream and nobody is going to him.

Only you and DH can decide which route to take.

Show him this thread. Seriously.

Sleep deprivation is no joke. He knows that seeing as he needs to sleep for work...

It will pass. It feels like you're trapped but it WILL get better. My DC cried until the lovely gp prescribed baby gaviscon. Miracle.

You're doing a great job, OP, we know you are. We've been there. It's so hard.

Fingers firmly crossed that things improve for you with the prescription. At least when DS is sleeping more reliably you will have time and headspace to sort yourself out

Shame I also have a non-sleeping, bottle-refusing, miserable, unputdownable darling son. He is 7months old and I have cried today because I cannot have a shower, drink tea, eat or write Christmas cards with my 4yo. Or just sit down without him. I don't have any advice because nothing I have tried works but you are definitely not alone (as you can see from pp)

Your DH is being a shit and does need to step up but having said that, my DP is marvellous and does everything he can but it is still so incredibly tough.

Hi again OP, there's no denying your husband has behaved appallingly over the last few days. But now, you need to decide if you now actually want his help or not. It sounds like he was trying to step up. Why can't you settle DS then sneak away and let your DH lie next to him (admittedly this might not work if there's a lot of wriggling during transition but it might be better than lifting him which is almost certain to wake him?)

It sounds like you've shut down, completely understandably and I was similar - I felt driven to do it all myself - but honestly, please let him try. You deserve and need the support.

The thing about being left to do it all by yourself for so long means that 1. Your baby is only used to you and 2. Your dh and baby aren't used to each other.

I didn't think anyone else could settle ds1, mind you I couldn't either, but I was deranged from sleep deprivation. It's a vicious circle

Let your dh settle the baby, however long it takes him. He needs to do this to even begin to understand how you feel. If you can trust him to take responsibility you will sleep

Actually the shift thing can work (it did with us) but there will be an initial period where DH will need to learn how to settle DS and DS will need to get used to DH.

Maybe DH could start by settling DS during the day at weekends. You can go for a walk

They live in a flat. They will have neighbours banging on the walls and ceilings if the baby screams nonstop while H tries to learn the ropes. Jumping straight into it at night isn't going to work. He needs to try again during the day.

Meanwhile, tell him to get hoovering, make some decent meals to freeze, polish, deep clean the bathroom and kitchen and the fridge. The cleaning needs to become part of his life until the baby is allowing the OP to sleep. He needs to do it without being asked.

Send him out to get some reasonable lunch foods for you -- cold meats, bread rolls that can be frozen, cheese, protein shakes, frozen berries and yogurt for making smoothies, frozen veg, frozen chips, etc. He also needs to come up with a meal plan and resign himself to cooking for the foreseeable.

He needs to tackle whatever ironing there may be and to do whatever laundry needs doing, properly -- no clothes ruined in the dryer or by using hot water instead of warm, not sorting dark and light washes, etc.

Most of all he needs to get over himself, understand what sleep deprivation has done to the OP (it is used as a method of torture for good reason) and stop picking fights with her.

Some babies get completely frantic purple in the face, gulping, gasping, hysterical screaming when they cry and they do not soothe no matter what you try. I had one. It simply wasn't worth finding out how much screaming at the top of her lungs she could manage before exhausting herself.

Once or twice she did that when there was nothing else I could do I was sick or attending to another child who was sick and after a little breather she would start to scream again. I thought I would get an ulcer from the stress this sort of screaming caused me. It is not at all conducive to rest and you have to trust the other adult who is trying to soothe the baby 100% not to lose it.

I can't believe nobody has suggested the op get some anti depressants from the gp. It's nothing to be ashamed of! It's my feeling that the Op has Pnd bought on by the lack of sleep, just as I had 8 years ago with my baby. The antidepressants were a god send they kept me on an even keel mood wise for 7 months until my baby learned how to sleep at night. I came off them at that point. I won't say it was easy to give them up but I did it and it was well worth it for saving my sanity and not taking it out on my baby. Really op it was the best thing I ever did in those dark sleep deprived days. Thinking of you hope things get better.

I think a few of us suggested she go to see her gp, it's up to them if they prescribe ADs. I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of, was on them myself for years.

Oh sorry I haven't read the whole thread, it's just I know they sometimes have stigma attached to them, my own dm was disappointed that I had to take them, but it helps so much to see things from a calm perspective. Op could insist on getting them, it's just from her first post she sounds exactly how i used to, I literally thought my baby was trying to kill me and was completely paranoid from exhaustion. The anti depressants gave me light at the end of a very long tunnel xx

I'm glad they helped you Lala x

Morning. On the sleeping front, ds slept very well the previous night (3-hrs blocks plus we had a 1.5hrs nap during the day) and amazing last night after the first dose of omeprazole (5 hrs -yes!!!!!- then 3 and 2). But I feel even more tired if that's possible. I don't understand.

Dh and I still haven't had a chat after I sent him the e-mail describing my emotional&physical state and how I felt abandoned by him in this most difficult period of my life. I also forwarded him the article on sleep deprivation (sorry can't remember who sent it as typing on my phone but it is brilliant - also the comments!). But he must have read it as he cooked dinner (and did the dishes! Yes!) last night and woke up every time ds grunted in his sleep asking me if I was ok and needed help. He also jumped to change ds in the middle of the night. That's nice but I can't help wondering how long it will last this time. I give it a week until my family takes over and he stops.

Ds wouldn't fall asleep reliably in the evening so when he woke up again dh went to settle him. This resulted in a hysterical, frantic baby. Wow. I had no idea things went so far that ds wouldn't recognize his father as someone he feels safe and calm with. He calmed down as soon as I took him (I know that the longer he screams like that the more difficult it is for him to calm down). As soon as he was ok I handed him back to dh. More hysteria. We tried to settle him down together but he had none of it and calmed down finally when dh left the room and I rocked him. Is it possible that he reacts this way because he witnesses us arguing in his presence a few times? He reacts badly to a raised voice, looks miserable and cries. Does he perceive dh as some kind of 'danger' to mummy? I feel so bad thinking about it now. I never wanted to ruin their relationship.

I rang the hv office yesterday and my hv will call me back tomorrow to discuss the possibility od pnd. I will also ask her about any practical help available. I can't rely on dh behaviour.

I resent him so much. He wrote me a letter saying his behaviour was caused by the difficulty of dealing with the new responsibility of being a father. I can understand that. But he could say anything. He knows I would listen. Instead he mentally fucked off when I had difficulty dealing with my responsibility to be a mother but NO ONE ASKED ME and I had to suck it up and carry on, funny that. So my empathy is somehow limited now

I remember when DS's sleep (slightly) lengthened one week feeling absolutely shattered. It baffled me. I guess my body just wasn't used to it. I was quite pissed off actually. I'd been longing for it for so long!

But it did adjust.

Re: being overwhelmed by his responsibilites as a Dad. It was his responsibilities as a friend that were lacking, imo. You wouldn't treat a dog with such obliviousness, let alone someone whos supposed to be one of the best friends he's ever had. Would he treat one of his best mates like that???