Page 23 | Why is Sex topic now in Active?

clarrylove · 2023-02-15T19:43:15+00:00

It never used to be there before. It doesn't really seem appropriate with some of the titles.

Surplus2requirements · 18/02/2023 22:01

Sparklingbrook · 18/02/2023 21:58

I wasn't even interested in the sex topic until all this blew up

How do you mean?

When it appeared in Site Stuff when I was looking to see if it was worth installing the app

BIWI · 18/02/2023 22:11

Hmm. All your posts sound like you're positioning yourself as a Nice Guy.

AutumnLeavesFallingIntoPlace · 18/02/2023 22:12

Objecting to titles featuring fleshlights, rimming and anal is not participating in the 'oppression of female sexuality'.

Surplus2requirements · 18/02/2023 22:16

AutumnLeavesFallingIntoPlace · 18/02/2023 22:12

Objecting to titles featuring fleshlights, rimming and anal is not participating in the 'oppression of female sexuality'.

Of course its not but shaming women for asking for sex advice is

BIWI · 18/02/2023 22:18

Where has it been said that women are shamed for asking for sex advice? I think you're seriously missing the point of why so many of us are objecting to this.

AutumnLeavesFallingIntoPlace · 18/02/2023 22:20

We've all seen the board now and...it's not women asking for sex advice.

Surplus2requirements · 18/02/2023 22:21

BIWI · 18/02/2023 22:11

Hmm. All your posts sound like you're positioning yourself as a Nice Guy.

Sorry its just me and my opinion. I've never claimed to be a nice guy, thats subjective but I've learned a lot from some amazing strong women in my 57 years and hope to learn more.

imagen · 18/02/2023 22:23

BIWI · 18/02/2023 22:11

Hmm. All your posts sound like you're positioning yourself as a Nice Guy.

So he can't win? His response was perfectly fine, he just had a different opinion.

mathanxiety · 18/02/2023 22:27

I don't think anyone accused you personally of making offensive comments.

You did however minimise that sort of comment, and you continue to do so with your reference to women using thise terms when speaking to each other (which btw is an example of internalized misogyny).

Is the idea of zero tolerance for comments like that something you could get behind? Or is a little misogyny ok?

Surplus2requirements · 18/02/2023 22:27

imagen · 18/02/2023 22:23

So he can't win? His response was perfectly fine, he just had a different opinion.

Show quote history

To be fair I don't really want to win, discussion (without all the insults) challenges my own opinions which is no bad thing.

imagen · 18/02/2023 22:29

No of course, you don't come across as trying to win. But whatever you say, you'll be a misogynist or a fake nice guy. @Surplus2requirements

Don't know where I stand on the whole debate before anyone comes for me next!

mathanxiety · 18/02/2023 22:32

Nobody is shaming women for asking for sex advice.

We are objecting to the opening of the sex topic to the barbarians at the gate, who are turning the topic into a hook up arena, with the result that women who want sex advice are entering a section where they run the risk of being propositioned or exploited.

How is this so hard for you to understand?

Surplus2requirements · 18/02/2023 22:36

mathanxiety · 18/02/2023 22:27

I don't think anyone accused you personally of making offensive comments.

You did however minimise that sort of comment, and you continue to do so with your reference to women using thise terms when speaking to each other (which btw is an example of internalized misogyny).

Is the idea of zero tolerance for comments like that something you could get behind? Or is a little misogyny ok?

Yes that's a valid point. I guess as a man I see them as less damaging than accusations I'm a predatory pervert and I need to give that some thought.

I'm not so sure that stands up against the shaming of women by women for asking for sexual advice.

That smacks of internalised misogyny as well but came from members I would otherwise consider strongly feminist so assumed it came from a different, generally abusive place.

I could be wrong

Surplus2requirements · 18/02/2023 22:41

BIWI · 18/02/2023 22:18

Where has it been said that women are shamed for asking for sex advice? I think you're seriously missing the point of why so many of us are objecting to this.

Sorry I missed this. The posts are deleted now but there were several different female members that had their sex topic threads identified and ridiculed on this thread here last night

Sparklingbrook · 18/02/2023 22:50

Surplus2requirements · 18/02/2023 22:01

When it appeared in Site Stuff when I was looking to see if it was worth installing the app

Show quote history

So you are new to MN?

Surplus2requirements · 18/02/2023 22:54

mathanxiety · 18/02/2023 22:32

Nobody is shaming women for asking for sex advice.

We are objecting to the opening of the sex topic to the barbarians at the gate, who are turning the topic into a hook up arena, with the result that women who want sex advice are entering a section where they run the risk of being propositioned or exploited.

How is this so hard for you to understand?

First sentence addressed above but otherwise I agree.
The sex topic should be hidden and the delay after registration should be returned to 90 days.

I started a thread in sex topics asking for womens experience of unsolicited PMs and what action was taken.

So far it's promising though there's not enough posts to draw any conclusions yet.

I find the posts on threads are almost exclusively respectful and helpful and where they are suspect they are immediately pulled up though obviously the subject matter isn't what many want to see and they shouldn't have to.

Surplus2requirements · 18/02/2023 22:57

Sparklingbrook · 18/02/2023 22:50

So you are new to MN?

Show quote history

No, not sure when I joined, 7 or 8 years ago I think.
I have some ptsd issues that mess up time lines in my head.

ForestLilac · 18/02/2023 23:19

Surplus2requirements · 18/02/2023 18:42

Womaniser possibly?

Show quote history

I think it was that, yes 😆.

Helleofabore · 18/02/2023 23:35

LangClegsInSpace · 16/02/2023 21:18

Here's a quick tour of the history of the MN sex topic:

2008: Just to let you know that we're not really convinced that having a sex topic is the best of plans.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/site_stuff/491115-please-could-we-have-a-topic-about-sex-please?reply=9916422

2009: We do think that, as many of you on this thread have pointed out, having a separate Sex topic might attract a shedload of pervs some rather strange posters to Mumsnet.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/site_stuff/747198-Can-we-please-have-a-sex-topic?reply=15287409

2012: We have absolutely no problem with discussions about sex (unless they're pervy to the point of true obscenity) but we do think a Sex topic would be a troll magnet.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/site_stuff/1593235-So-I-was-wondering-A-sex-topic?reply=34913031

2013: we have been asked for this before and our answer is likely to remain the same. We don't really want to attract that kind of attention.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/site_stuff/1742844-Should-we-have-a-sex-section?reply=38774736

2014: When the sex topic idea has been proposed before we've always decided against it on the basis of it being an absolutely massive troll-magnet. That's probably still our viewpoint but as ever we're happy to listen to your views.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/site_stuff/2082521-Do-you-think-its-time-to-reconsider-a-sex-topic?page=4&reply=47105108

2015: MN started a sex topic. I couldn't find a thread announcing it or describing how it would work but posters needed to be registered for 90 days before they could post there and threads did not show up in active, as a way of mitigating the risk of the aforementioned pervy trolls.

So what has suddenly changed? Are there fewer pervy trolls on the internet now than in 2015?

Until it suddenly started showing up in active this month I gave the sex topic little thought. It's not my bag but I have no objection to the topic's existence in theory. I stupidly imagined it would be mostly women, discussing sex in the same kind of robust and/or caring tone as we discuss everything else here, but it's not that is it?

I hid the topic as soon as the threads started to appear in active but I went and had a look earlier today and honestly, it's like being on a different site. It was incredibly jarring.

There are SO MANY MEN!

I am sure some posters NC for their posts there but I seriously wonder what proportion of them ever frequent other areas of the site. While all these upstanding gents are getting their jollies on the sex topic, Dadsnet remains filled with tumbleweed. On a parenting site.

What are you FOR Mumsnet? The sex topic looks like a seedy side hustle incongruously attached to an otherwise excellent parenting forum.

I'm not accusing any particular poster there of being a pervy troll, despite having read some seriously grim posts today, and despite the 'sexchat' thread being both the most tragic and dangerous thread I have ever seen left standing on this site. But sex threads showing up in active and reducing the waiting period from 90 days to 7 absolutely will attract all the heavy breathers and pervy sex trolls that MNHQ were keen to discourage for all those years.

Posters there seem to agree this is a bad move. I'm sure there's nothing more offputting when you're trying to have a lovely exciting sexychat than a bunch of mums reading it and giving their opinion.

Have you received any positive feedback at all on your decision to include sex threads in active? (I mean from MNers, not the purveyors of Shrek's ear)

On the subject of sex toy ads, I found this from 2011: We do understand that for many folks this type of advertising crosses a line that they'd rather not be crossed and we have taken careful note and will certainly bear it in mind in future. Cheers.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/site_stuff/1316089-Lets-talk-about-sex-toys-well-ads-for-them-on-Mumsnet-please?page=16&reply=27847666

Thank you for tearing up your 'careful note' I guess. Cheers.

I don't like this new direction that MN is going in. It looks like the soft end of 'sex positive' / sex industry capture to me. It doesn't make parents' lives easier and it is not 'in the spirit of Mumsnet' as I have always understood it.

Bloody brilliant post there LangClegsInSpace.

Rogue1001MNer · 18/02/2023 23:38

I think there's a disconnect @Surplus2requirements

I might be reading this wrong.

But I think you just want your freedom of anonymity of the sex board back and for people to stop being mean to your friends

But you're not understanding, I don't think. You're doing wackamole to individual posters without grasping the bigger picture

WombsofWimbledon · 18/02/2023 23:52

Our eyes are the product. If money is being made by by people buying our attention, then I suppose making it harder for us to avoid seeing sex related posts will mean more money can be made from sex related advertisers.

AnneKipankitoo · 19/02/2023 00:05

Absolutely @WombsofWimbledon .
This is a cynical, oh look how much traffic we have exercise.

CousinKrispy · 19/02/2023 00:06

Another vote for please going back to the previous state of things☹️ for the various reasons stated above.

I really wish that MN did include a board where I (as a woman approaching menopause but who would like to keep the flame alive, as it were) could feel comfortable asking some explicit questions about sex. Our bodies and minds do all kinds of weird and wonderful things in this regard, and it would be great to be able to ask other women (specifically, women) for advice and reassurance.

I would never post a question on the Sex board as it's become, though, because unlike every other part of MN, it has a disproportionate number of self-identified male posters who appear to post largely on that board. And a cohort of women posters who are perfectly happy with this.

I'm not going to throw insults at posters in either of those categories. They're different from me, but it takes all kinds and that's fine. But they've obviously got their own club going there and it's not one I'm comfortable having an intimate discussion in.

That's ok, I'll seek information elsewhere. MN doesn't have to be everything to everyone, and all of us should be cautious on any public internet forum anyway. But I just wanted to point out that it's a bit depressing to me that a place on the internet that could have been a great resource for someone like me (who is by no means a prude, even though I've never even noticed a sex toy for sale in ANY supermarket....not that I would care if I did...) is off-limits because of its dynamic.

BUT, the posters on that topic were happy with what they had before, so why not go back to it?!?

AnneKipankitoo · 19/02/2023 00:07

Totally agree @CousinKrispy

WombsofWimbledon · 19/02/2023 00:16

It’s going to be a really difficult thing to explain. As basically ‘we hear you loud and clear that you don’t like seeing unsolicited sex related posts. We could put it back to not showing in ‘active’ which the vast majority was happy with, but, while unwilling sex post viewers you are, this way we make more money from you.’

There may be a far more palatable reason of course, I happily await.