Who here had an affair and got away with it?

[kiwimuma]

Following on from another post about what stops you having an affair, I'm curious about if anyone has any stories about actually going through with it and not getting caught/not regretting it

A very good friend of mine just told me she has been seeing another man on and off. They are both married and have A NSA thing. Neither are wanting to leave their marriages for each other. She told me that as a result of this, she's realised how little attention her and her hubby actually paid to each other, and how little effort they put in, and it's helped her relationship with hubby hugely. What are others thoughts?

(I appreciate there'll be a load of people here who vehemently disagree with the idea. That's cool too and your point of view is already well known )

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Sorry, was testing the name change. I haven't had an affair - but I did misbehave with a colleague (who is in an open relationship) last night. We did about as much as we could we clothes on. Very intense and...amazing, frankly. I have no idea why I did it. I love my partner - though a long time ttc without success has perhaps stifled our sex life a bit - and I've never thought I would be capable of this. I think I'd be hurt if it was the other way around. I think. But then I also thought I'd feel guilty, but I don't (yet, anyway). The attraction has been there for a while, and I found it very hard to say no. I haven't felt truly desired like that for a long time - but I can't say my partner is inattentive or that our sex life is bad. It's what you'd expect after a decade together when you're in a bit of a rut, and obv can't compare the frisson of an unknown, and forbidden fruit, I guess.

My problem now is that I can see my body betraying my brain and allowing this to go further. We stopped ourselves last night, because it felt a step too far (somehow everything else felt ok...trying to work that one out). And I could just say 'no' and he's respect that. But I know a significant part doesn't want me to.

Reading these stories, there are good justifications of loveless relationships. I don't have one of those. I feel like a terrible, but incredibly horny, person right now. And I really can't deny that it was amazing and the excitement/illicitness is kind of turning me on.

Sorry...only half on topic. A lot going on in my head right now.

@CursedDiamond how are things today at work?

I have had a few online chats. They do help keep things spiced up for me, it gives me a spring in my step and helps me feel desired. I am very careful to delete everything though as I do not want my marriage to end.

@friendsfan - I delete everything too.

It normally use an app called kik so once kik is deleted nothing is on my phone

@friendsfan - honestly? Both fine and weird at the same time. We were good mates before, and it's been fine keeping it casual on the surface, but basically now I feel like I'm on fire whenever I'm near him. Its like being a bloody teenager.

I sorted everything through in my head at the weekend, and was like 'come on, don't be silly, put it in a box, and take out the memories when you feel like a flabby old barren whatsit again'. But it was very hard to remind myself of that today.

We figured we probably need to talk things through a bit, because neither of us had really expected anything to happen, so we're going for a coffee tomorrow. I still can't decide what to say. I know what I should say, but there is a bit insignificant part of me that really wants to throw the baby out with the bath water. Which would be stupid. But then again, I don't know what he thinks about it. He's a really lovely guy and I think is mainly concerned that I'm ok.

I still don't feel guilty - though that has forced me to reevaluate some fundamental truths about myself...I certainly never thought I'd be a person to do this.

Sorry, that's 'a not insignificant part of me'...

@CursedDiamond - let him take the lead in the conversation and just go from there!

Aye, that was my plan. Though my brain is a bit of a mess. It's dredged up a lot of hidden away feelings about my OH. Tried to discuss some of it last night, but he's like an emotional clam. Feel pretty unhappy this morning. Need to be aware of my motivations... bloody hell, how did my life go from a boring, stable 15 year relationship to this mess.

It easily happens.

I’m in a 11 year relationship and Iv been having an affair for a year next month.

It is what it is.

Essay ahoy. Apologies...but I have to get this out somewhere.

Talking was helpful...we agreed not to take it further, but didn't put a policy on it never happening again. But it's brought up a lot about my own relationship that I owe both my partner and myself to try and work through, and I can't do that while my brain is full of OM. Bit am also questioning myself - I realised this isn't the first time I've thought about doing this. It's just the first time I've acted on it (or that it was reciprocated) and that needs some more thought. Part of it, I think, is because I feel unfulfilled and OH is so hard to talk to about this stuff. We got together when I was 21, and really just starting to wake up to my own sexuality. And then the way it's developed hasn't been with my OH - I've not been direct about my desire to experiment, but I also know from my small suggestions that he isn't into it. And I think that's what this opened up - because a couple of my mild kinks were allowed out and indulged and I felt what I'd missed whole i was young. but I also know that was I have is valuable and I would be sad to lose it. And I don't think I'm quite in a place mentally where I could healthily have both.

We talked about what happened and why - and how he felt about it too, because he hasn't told his OH for my sake, and they don't usually keep things secret. And we both realised that if we continued anything it would have to be a secret. And also...planning the deception feels more underhand than something which was spontaneous. We're in a good even keel, and it reminded me why we were friends in the first place.

Doesn't mean I've stopped wanting to shag his brains out though. Deep breaths. Being a grown up is rubbish.

Out of curiosity, Unicorn - why did you get involved with someone else, and why have you carried on.

@CursedDiamond does that mean that you both agreed that it won't happen again? How will you prevent that from happening? Do you think now that the line has been crossed, you can realistically see yourself never crossing it again?

@CursedDiamond

Honestly ?

I’m not happy with my partner. I was 18 when I met him and I just don’t love him like I used to. We have the whole 2 kids, mortgage life as well.

I carry on with the other guy because I like him, it’s fun, mostly easy and I care about him. We are exclusive in the sense that neither of us are allowed to sleep with anyone else on nights out etc & he’s ‘single’ so it’s more acceptable if he wanted to but he can’t. If he touched another female I’d be gone.

It’s all really complicated. I’d probably go all in if he asked but he’s just split from his wife when we first started seeing each other (not because of me)

I should probably leave my partner but I’m a massive chicken is the gist of it.

Maybe one day before I get caught.

@UnicornDust9 do you love OM? Can you see a future with him?

@friendsfan - not sure if I love him. I could see a future with him though as in meeting his parents, friends and spending time together. I’m not an overly emotional person and I don’t find it hard to keep my feelings at bay or bottled up.

He’s totally different to the man I’m with and has a lot of qualities I would look for if I had to find another long term partner. Something I didn’t assess when I met my current partner at 18!

@ahtellthee - no...we agreed not to take it further now. But we also said we wouldn't rule it out. I'm ok with that. One day, maybe, I'll broach the subject of a more open relationship with my OH. Like I said, this isn't the first time I've had this urge - and I also know I have some kinks I'd like to explore. This whole thing did push me into having a conversation with OH this evening about our relationship, and in particular the rut that has become our sex life. It was a difficult few hours, but I'm glad I've opened the box to talk about it. We had the most honest conversation I can remember having in over a decade. I did sort of open the conversation about a more open agreement - I finally asked him about the woman I've always assumed something happened with. He said it was just flirtation, but we talked about whether he'd wanted to take it further (he had). He didn't ask the question back - about which I feel slightly bad for the one sided slight manipulation, but also relieved I didn't have to lie. It did mean we had a conversation about the fact I didn't really mind...but also that I think he would find it harder. We'll see where this goes.

@UnicornDust9 - I'm sorry, that sounds really difficult. I think I've realised I don't want an affair. I think o knew that anyway. We have problems, but who doesn't? But I think my own sexuality has developed so much since we met (like you, I was young - 20) and his was quite fully formed (5 years older). I met him at a point where I was just beginning to own it, and it sort of...snuffed it out. Who knows. It's been an interesting few days. I'm emotionally exhausted from trying to unravel how I feel.

@UnicornDust9 sorry, couldn't remember everything you said and forgot I could close and keep what I'd said saved!

What does the OM think about things? The exclusivity, I mean?

@CursedDiamond I am so glad that you talked to Your OH. Fingers crossed that is the foundation for a more open and mutually beneficial relationship.

We'll see. My previous experience of talking with him about things is that it's hard to revisit without going through all the original trauma of the conversation. He sees things as ' resolved' whereas I see it as the opening of a dialogue. But I'm also a lot more intense than he is...he's much happier than I am to just bumble along being happy. We'll see. But I don't regret anything that's happened over the last week. It needed saying and thinking and it's been a long time coming...

I don’t think anyone sexuality is fully formed at 25. I think most people change over time and sexuality and what turns you on change as you become more experienced. Open relationships are such a taboo but I think would help many people feel less stifled.

I'm inclined to agree...but I think he has been less curious than me, which has made it hard for me to talk about it, because he's not a very verbal person. Our conversation last night was the most excruciating thing ever, he was obviously so uncomfortable, but probably the most frank conversation we've ever had about our sex life.

My Exh had an affair, I understand why. Id considered it as we were dead in the wayer BUT id realised if ever caught the fall out for the other person and our children would be too much. When he was caught i was currently in counselling at his request to better myself so as it to rip the childrens family apart

When discovered he moved straight in with the OW so we couldnt hide the fact from the children and has expected everyone to be pleased he is now happy. Introduced OW as the kids new mum.

Im genuinely glad he is happy. Im much happier and hes a better father out of the main home. But the way he has gone about this isnt in the best interests of the children.

Affairs may not be black and white but when you're having to explain what is happening to distraught children there is a clear sense of what is right or wrong for the. An affair is never in the best interest of the children.

@Chucklecheeks1

I agree affairs are never in the best intrest of children but I certainly would never ever do what your ex has done.

There is 0 chance that if I was caught and split up that I would move the OM into my home straight away!

@CursedDiamond

For now he’s happy with how things are. With out sugar coating it he doesn’t want me to go off and sleep with another man, he knows I could as Iv clearly found him so it was him that suggested being exclusive.

Iv asked him since he split and bought his wife out of the house would he like to ‘open us up’ so he can go off and date and his reply was ‘umm no thanks, stop talking nonsense’ 😂.

Currently I think hes happy to not have a full time nagging ‘wife/partner/gf’ as he doesn’t have to deal with all the day to day crap of living together etc.
We see each other every week, sometimes twice and sometimes once a fortnight depending on how work/life lands.

We go out for meals, lunches, trips to the cinema, he cooks for me (very basic meals lol), we sometimes just watch a movie and drink wine together. There are also times I go over and we don’t end up having sex so it’s not all physical. He’s happy as he gets mostly the good bits and none of the bad.

@Chucklecheeks1 - I think once kids are involved, everything is more complicated. My dad cheated and left my mum for, and married, the OW. that was hard - the betrayal I felt was that he had been living abroad and moved back here for her, when he couldn't for us. And I felt protective of my mum.

Honestly, I don't know how you manage to juggle all that, @UnicornDust9 along with two kids! Out of curiosity, what do you use as an excuse?