Who here had an affair and got away with it?

[kiwimuma]

Following on from another post about what stops you having an affair, I'm curious about if anyone has any stories about actually going through with it and not getting caught/not regretting it

A very good friend of mine just told me she has been seeing another man on and off. They are both married and have A NSA thing. Neither are wanting to leave their marriages for each other. She told me that as a result of this, she's realised how little attention her and her hubby actually paid to each other, and how little effort they put in, and it's helped her relationship with hubby hugely. What are others thoughts?

(I appreciate there'll be a load of people here who vehemently disagree with the idea. That's cool too and your point of view is already well known )

@Jsku
Regardless of all the cheating scumbag men readily queuing up on AM or IE, why does virtuallyconfuseds husband deserve to be cheated on repeatedly, basically his whole life is a lie, no one deserves that. She's basically gagging for anyone to have an affair with. So yes, I hope she gets her comeuppance.

Redannie

Yet, here on MN you’d be told that you needed to first have left your H, and then date....
MN world - at least on the Relationship sub - is very black and white.

However, in reality, people have affairs - some as an escape; some (like you) when pushed to the brink; etc...
And many do get away with it. Some even have happy endings.
For many - it brings out the issues and forces them to deal with them. Accelerated the end of something not working well.

Oh, I'm not leading more men astray, I posted on a site, not actively looking for someone, just as a woman open to the idea. It was like sharks swarming.

Perhaps karma will bite me, perhaps it will bite my OH who has never unbegrudgingly given me a compliment or ever bothered whether our sex life brought me any kind of joy or satisfaction.

But i have children, and a life I don't want to destroy because Mummy needs to feel wanted and desired.

Maybe one day this marriage won't be enough, or maybe it will be with me having someone on the side.

my OH who has never unbegrudgingly given me a compliment or ever bothered whether our sex life brought me any kind of joy or satisfaction.

How did you get together and why are you still together?

I haven't but in all honesty i am completely open to the idea of another man and suspect it won't be long before i will act upon this so it is interesting to read all perspectives on this.
Our marriage is pretty much non existent and circumstances of children & mortgage etc mean instead of seperating we have continued to co-habit and trundle along with every day life in the hope that maybe one day it will improve and we will fall madly in love with each other again.
I'm realistic and know that this will not happen, we have long grown apart.

Not had an affair as such. Always decided I would leave for myself not another person. So I did. Left a sexless love was marriage and had loads of fun exploring my sexuality

Then met a man who blew my mind in and out of the bed. We are incredibly sexually compatible. It made me understand what I had been missing for so many years and we have a non mono relationship which thrills us both

There are many ways to live your life. It's about finding the one you can live with

Unfortunately I have had two and around five emotional affairs with my current spouse. I am not wired right.

Leaving wouldn’t make any difference to me. I would be like this with anyone.

I haven’t had one relationship in my life where I haven’t cheated. I get really bored after the initial lust stage wears off.

I also crave sex that most partners would not be up for. Threesomes, sex clubs, dogging. I would do it all. How on earth do you bring that up with your OH?

I am good at covering my tracks but then I should be the amount of experience I have had!

Counselling didn’t help.

Like I say I am not wired right and it mentally tortures me.

Cheater I don't think you are wired wrong. Perhaps you are just not wired for the type of relationship you are in

There are many people in open or poly or other types of non monogomous relationships like swinging who get to fulfil the part of their personalities that struggle in rigid mono relationships.

There are many many of us.

Thanks Namedchanged. I wish life was more straighforward! I chose to marry someone at the complete opposite end of the spectrum too! Not a subject I can bring up really. I should leave but it means breaking up a family and how selfish is that. I love them just don’t lust anymore. Like I say, would be the same with anyone.

Ah I was married to a man totally opposite to me for almost 2 decades. Someone who wouldn't even talk about wanking and thought that oral on a woman was disgusting. So I feel your pain

For me there were other issues too so I finally found the strength to leave. But to be honest even if there wasn't I would have gone at some point

Sex and the thrill of it is more of a joy than eating, which is just a necessity to me. I love sex. Especially with my partner but not exclusively. And am thankful I can live the life that suits me

I hope you can find resolution that suits you

I had an affair with a married man many many years ago. it was in the 1960's era. He was 44,and I was 23. We worked at the same large firm. I was engaged to someone,who was away at UNI mostly. But me and this man.had the most wonderful time for over a year. I never ever gave a thought to the wife at home, he and she were childless.

Then my boyfriend finished at Uni, got two degrees, and wanted to get married. So therefore,after marrying,he wanted to move away from our home town,and go to a good job in another town, so had to sadly end this lovely affair.

But on our first wedding anniversary,my husband was away on business in France for a few days, so I got in touch with the other man, took a train back to my home town, and spent some time with him again. and it was still so lovely. but of course,bitter sweet then.

@jsku

It isn't black and white to point out what the right thing to do is, even if that thing is hard and can seem impossible to some in their current situations.

The problem with talking about affairs as if they are something that 'just happens" and " brings out the issues and forces them to deal with them" is that it attempts to normalise them and even paint them as some kind of positive event that moves people to a better place. This massively minimises the pain and disruption affairs cause, not just on the betrayed spouse but on the rest of the family and also suggest a lack of agency rather than holding people properly accountable for their actions.

Affairs are always a choice and such choices have consequences. One of which is being judged for exhibiting deceitful behaviour I'm afraid.

@Hopoindown31

Affairs can also just be a symptom and a step before bigger steps are taken...

The ‘pain and disruption’ that my family unit will go through isn’t due to the affair, but rather due to the relationship between H&I having reached a point of no return...
The breakdown of that relationship started long ago, when year after year something wasn’t working, when I tried talking, asking and explainng to my H what’s consequences his behaviour and treatment of me has on my well being and my good will towards the relationship. When he ignored it year after year...
That IS the important issue here. That has consequences and impact on children and the relationship in the long term....
Against that backdrop - affair has no importance. At all. It’s really inconsequential.
My relationship is over and done with. Was before the affair started.

And no - still things aren’t black/white. Affair at this point is helping me regain a bit of happiness before I am ready to act.
Just being human. Not all powerful.

Not having or ever had an affair. Been together 10yrs & married for 6. We are arguing a lot, barely spend time and subtly resent each other. Shit sex life as well.

Occasionally it crosses my mind to cheat/have an affair. But I really don't want to be responsible for breaking "us up" although deep down we both know there's no us.

We both come from broken homes, so the fear of failure is a factor that I think is keeping us "together ". Deep down, I would love to have mind blowing sex again, fancy someone and get that teenage feeling again. I'm early 30s but feel 15years older.

For those of you having affair, well done. Enjoy it while it lasts.

1forall
Out of inteterest was that the only affair you had - i guess you’re in your 70’s now

@Tantalus I hope your knob drops off and your wife finds someone better

I was 100% monogamous for years.
I've been cheated on numerous times. I now do what I want, with who I want, when i want and I don't give it a second thought.
I'm single and having the time of my life.

I had an affair with a colleague for three months behind my husbands back I fell in love not going to lie but then it ended and I realised what I had in front of me a wonderful husband. Unfortunately he didn't and still doesn't show me he wants me sexually. Behind his back I have slept with others because I felt the need to do so. Then I felt deep shame. I have been faithful for two years now because I love him so much. Really hard because it's still the same sexually and I want it. I feel a great sense of shame and guilt over what I have done. It eats me up.

If you have got away with one affair... have many people had a second ?

I couldn’t do this to my husband.
It’s selfish, is it not?
Why don’t you just leave if there something missing? After all if one of you is cheating you’re living a lie, a lie only you may know but all the same...

@Jellybeansincognito - some things are not just as easy as saying leave.

Kids for one.

Also I don’t see it as living a lie. It’s just living my life.

@UnicornDust9

It’s living a lie when deceit and hurt come into it. If someone wants to cheat they should leave before it escalates, or stay loyal to their significant other and not cheat.

Kids and finances are no excuse to treat someone with so much disrespect.
If you’re not in a relationship that accepts sharing it is unfair and one of the most disrespectful hurtful things anyone can do.

I think it’s even worse to justify it and be completely ok about doing it with no signs of guilt what so ever.

I really hope that those of you living like this will be honest with your husbands/ long term partners and allow them to live an honest happy life too.