Who here had an affair and got away with it?

[kiwimuma]

Following on from another post about what stops you having an affair, I'm curious about if anyone has any stories about actually going through with it and not getting caught/not regretting it

A very good friend of mine just told me she has been seeing another man on and off. They are both married and have A NSA thing. Neither are wanting to leave their marriages for each other. She told me that as a result of this, she's realised how little attention her and her hubby actually paid to each other, and how little effort they put in, and it's helped her relationship with hubby hugely. What are others thoughts?

(I appreciate there'll be a load of people here who vehemently disagree with the idea. That's cool too and your point of view is already well known )

Personally I don't give a shit. If you want to kid yourself that is your prerogative.

noego - then stop commenting

@crystal

I hope that you're never on the other end of infidelity. It is not the nicest of emotions. It can take years to recover from. it batters the innocent persons, self esteem, self confidence, trust and ability to love and it hurts like fuck. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I hope you don't get discovered, because ignorance is bliss for the one that is being cheated on. Because if you do get discovered the hurt is of the scale.
So you keep on being proud of yourself.

I've not managed to be 100% faithful in any of my relationships, though I was for most of my 15+ year marriage - there was a bit of side action before we married and a bit at the end when he had clearly withdrawn himself. It has usually been from not getting emotionally what I needed from my partner, which I have to take some responsibility for as I find it really hard to ask for that.

The downside for me is not so much guilt as it has eroded my ability to trust anyone. I've never been caught so I know how easy it is. I'm quite jealous myself so in a way this is confronting one of my deepest fears. Yes I do spend quite a lot of time thinking about this, and trying to make sense of it. Sometimes I have been happier with a partner when I've also got another, something to do with not feeling so vulnerable. Considered polyamory as a way of life as it might suit me better.

@Allthejingles

if you go into a relationship and you want a bit of side action throughout the course of that relationship then be up front about it.
To string some one along is dishonest IMO.
People who are out to cheat indiscriminately are dishonest, disloyal, untrustworthy, show lack of integrity and dignity. And must be seen as to have a NPD.
I'm all for action on the side but be honest and open about it. I am a RA and poly and all parties involved know it.
If people want NSA then find a FB, but not one who is allegedly in a monogamous relationship.
It is living a lie and that cannot be good for anyone's MH.

@noego

It’s a very rigid way to see the world, which isn’t painted in black and white...
Not all people who have affairs cheat ‘indiscriminately’. And certainly - most do not have a personality disorder.
The honesty to speak up and ask for an open relationship you think people need - doesn’t quite work for many people. As a society - most aren’t ready for that.

However, there are a lot of unfulfilled relationships - where one or the other party’s emotional/physical needs are ignored.
And leaving isn’t always an option in the short term, at least. Financial complications and small kids are the main reasons for that.

So - instead of blowing up the status quo - people find other ways to meet there needs. Until, they can figure out a different path...

I don't know about "affairs" per se - I've mainly had no strings flings.

Only got caught once (was ill and forgot to log off my PC and delete messages.)

I think every LTR I've had, the guy has fucked at least one other woman. Let me think. OK yes, it's all of them. In the early days I used to play the monogamy card, cause a massive argument, screaming and crying, break ups and reconciliations, etc.

It took me til 10 years ago before the penny finally dropped: humans are not naturally monogamous. We are socialised to expect sexual exclusivity from our partners, and if we don't get it, then we are taught to believe that the relationship has "failed". Absolute bollocks. A relationship fails when you stop working as a team. You can acknowledge that you have a desire to be with extra people sexually and still be a fantastic team.

@Nottheford

Seconded :)

So - instead of blowing up the status quo - people find other ways to meet there needs. Until, they can figure out a different path

Seriously!!!!

Rather than face the issue and sort it out. Cheat instead!!!

Not only do they cheat, they also use the person they are in a relationship with!! Until they are ready to leave.

Warped thinking IMO.

How do they live with themselves?

I can understand someone in an abusive relationship and believe they should get ll the support they need to get out of that relationship but to advocate dishonesty, really!!

@noego - why are you still commenting ? You clearly don’t believe in cheating and find it a horrendous thing but the title clearly asks about who’s had an affair and got away with it.

No one needs you to keep replying back telling every person how wrong there opinions are and how they have personality disorders.

My point is that no one gets away with it. They may not get caught by their OH but they have damaged their integrity and dignity by partaking in having the affair.

Interesting thread.

I had an affair - met a great person and the sex was awesome. It was all planned with military precision and we were happily getting away with it. Then we both admitted we fancied each other and it got complicated.
To cut a long story short, I fessed up to my wife - who went nuclear. I’m now going through a divorce. But you know what, me, my wife and our children will all end up happier after this. We’d spent so long trying to keep a sinking ship afloat, not loving each other and screaming at the kids whenever they did anything wrong. It’s all going to right itself now. We are amicable and will both work together to do everything for the kids. We’ve both agreed that we hadn’t been happy for ages. So there’s no more secrets now, no more skulking about and covering tracks (which is actually quite stressful) and we are both free to date now (and I’m still in touch with the other woman).
It’s not an easy thing to do at all but I’m glad I’m no longer hiding an affair but moving on with the next phase of my lire.

I have but who knows if we "we got away with it"?? Been going on for 15 years and we have a child together. I am the single one and he is married. Surely to Christ she must know?? I truly believe she does and is just turning a blind eye. It works for us but I know I am in the minority with that. It is what it is. Nothing more and nothing less.

My point is that no one gets away with it. They may not get caught by their OH but they have damaged their integrity and dignity by partaking in having the affair.

I agree.
At some level you know it's wrong if even you can't help it.
Doesn't always make you a bad person.
Especially if you're only hurting yourself , but it's never harmless.

The idea that “no one gets away with it” and that the cosmos finds a way to punish your wrongdoing either directly or through some impact on emotional well-being is fairy tale thinking I’m afraid.

Plenty of affairs end badly. But plenty have pretty much zero consequences for anyone.

@noego
@Robin2323

You are assuming that everybody is built exactly like you. With same thought processes and boudaries and ideas about life.
Not the case.

I live with myself just fine. And in fact - I am finally happier and alive, and interested in life.
I don’t feel guilty - because I believe we all make choices about our own lives.

Me and my H had years where I was slowly getting unhappier and more numb. And told him many many times why that was. He ignored it and went on as he was.
But kids were babies and I buried myself in that, made that my purpose in life, and ignored my own needs.
Now they are a bit bigger - and i came back to life.
Yet - i am not ready to break their family. They need to be a bit more robust before I do it.

As to my H - he is free to go. I do not pretend to be a loving devoted W. Because I am not that anymore. And we aren’t close, and there hasn’t been any intimimacy for a long time.

I don’t feel guilt that you think I should - because I am making a choice that I believe is better for my children.
I’ll stay as long as I need - for them, and then i’ll leave.

In an idea world - I’d discuss it with H and we both agree that we are just co-habiting co-parents. And I’d be fine with it. And I am fine with him dating others too.
But - he would never be able to agree to that if it were made so explicit.

So - that is my life at the moment. Not ideal. Would have been nice to be married and have kids with someone I don’t feel like that about.
But it’s not how it turned out.

It is quite possible to have a third person in a relationship and everyone accepts it works for them......doesn't have to be behind someone's back.....

NC

I had an emotional affair (emotional for me, not sure he had any emotions involved at all) which ended up being physical then ended quickly afterwards. My partner doesn't know. I agree with previous posters that society dictates that monogamy is the norm but this doesn't work for everyone and there are factors in relationships that cause affairs due to one reason and another. Due to my experience I would never look at affairs from a black and white perspective again.

Personally, do I think I got away with it? No! I have been to hell and back and feel terrible about deceiving my OH. That's not to say everyone will feel like that. The whole thing has taught me so much about myself though.

Crystalintheeyes He lives about 10 mins from me in a car. Quite honestly, I really couldn’t have an affair with someone who lives in a car. The logistics of that would be mind boggling, and I’d be concerned about his hygiene.

Quite honestly, I really couldn’t have an affair with someone who lives in a car. The logistics of that would be mind boggling, and I’d be concerned about his hygiene.

And the winner of best Mumsnet post ever goes to......

Sorry Craft1905 I couldn’t resist

@Mimsy123 opps! Well he lives about 10 minutes away from me travelling in a car but owns his own 3 bedroom house.

No problems with his hygiene

@tantalus

Uh huh

@hoolacoola How do you cope with him having his wife as a priority in his life? Living his day to day and night with her? I found that I couldn’t cope with the existence of the wife. I saw him as being selfish and wanting the best of both worlds. It destroyed me.

Crystal can you email me the name of the site as well please ?