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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just admitted having sex with someone else

555 replies

homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:05

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 29/03/2010 21:13

you poor thing - you must be in shock

why did he tell you?

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 29/03/2010 21:16

Where is he atm? He's just dumped this on you and bogged off out? Or is he still in the house?

I think you need time to process this information before you start thinking what you want to do.

Exogenesis · 29/03/2010 21:16

My poor dear.

Has he said why? why has he told you?

God men can be such pigs (sorry thta probably dosn't help)

Grab yourself a cup of tea. I'm sure some Mns will be here in a moment with some better advice than make a cup of tea (it helps with shock)

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:21

I went straight for the wine! cup of tea sounds good though!

His parents were coming over to baby sit as I had booked a table at a restaurant for us. So he told me 15 mins before they were due. he packed some things and left.

leaving me feeling like shit, with a 4 year old who's having a bad asthma spell at the mo and a 1 year old.

all he said was 'I need to talk to you, you'll never forgive me, I'm really sorry, but I had sex with * at the works night out.' - thats it.

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 29/03/2010 21:23

What a cock - sorry but have been in a similar situation and am for you.

If I were you - if he hasn't already - tell him to go for tonight, you need time to process this and decide where to move forward to.

Are there any friends locally that could come round and give you some support.

Remember he has told you this to ease his guilt burden or prevent someone else telling you.

What you now do with this information is up to you and to decide that you need space and time.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 29/03/2010 21:23

He's packed a bag and gone? So he's told you this because it is his intention to end the marriage?

And be with her?

MortaIWombat · 29/03/2010 21:23

Hope you told his parents...

MortaIWombat · 29/03/2010 21:24

Feel very sorry for you indeed (though not v good at expressing it).
Um, get STI check?

norksinmywaistband · 29/03/2010 21:25

Are your parents still coming or did you cancel them - get a mate round now.

Are the children both settled now.

My Arse of an exh told me while the DC were still awake as well - Defense on their part - you cannot scream and shout at them when the DC are around - cowards

Greensleeves · 29/03/2010 21:26

I am so sorry, you must feel dreadful

I would be furious with him as well as heartbroken. Even if I could forgive infidelity (which I doubt I could) I certainly couldn't get past the cowardice and pure mean-spiritedness of the way he has handled telling you.

How do you feel about the immediate future? Do you think he is coming back, and do you think you want him to?

bossyboop · 29/03/2010 21:28

He's left??? That is so unfair, if you are going to drop a bomb shell like that the least you can do is stick around to face the consequences and answer questions. I would want to know every last detail no matter how much it hurt and more importantly what does he expect or want to happen now. Have you rang him, I would be asking him to come back and have it out.

MrsTicklemouseWantsBunnyEars · 29/03/2010 21:28

i have no advice just virtual hugs and wine

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 29/03/2010 21:29

Where did he say he was going to stay? What an arse, I'm so sorry. Agree with norks - there's a reason he's told you now, either because he wants to go to her or because someone was threatening to tell you anyway. You poor lamb, did his parenst come round anyway? Did you talk to them? If they were there why couldn't you get them to take the kids so you could get a proper explanation for this.

LauraIngallsWilder · 29/03/2010 21:30

That is awful homebirth

What did you say to his parents?
Have they been supportive?

Wine and chocolate are the best for the moment, no decisions yet

Except to decide what you will do/say when/if he reappears

for you - he is being an arse

MrsTicklemouseWantsBunnyEars · 29/03/2010 21:30

i am so sorry that first face was supposed to be this

MrsPixie · 29/03/2010 21:33

oh you poor poor thing I am just so sorry you have to go through this

MuppetsMuggle · 29/03/2010 21:33

no advice tbh. Have you got a friend round or your parents?
As he's walked out i'd tell him never to come back i'd never forgive my DP if he cheated, no matter how much i loved him, but then you have to think whether you want him to come back etc.

thisisyesterday · 29/03/2010 21:35

omg he just told you and then left you???????

what a twat

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:35

i don't think he wants to be with her. she's married too.

i think he left as he didn't know what to say (despite having 4 months to think about it!)

His mum text me a second ago to say she is shocked and sends me lots of love.

i don't really know too many people where i live as i only live her as thats where he is from. I mean I know other mummy friends, but don't really feel I can talk to them about this.

at the moment i don't really know what i'm feeling. i miss him and love him, but am so angry and upset. i always had the whole 1 strike and your out mentality, now i don't know. we have children, so i guess it's complicated. but to be honest, i don't even know if he wants to work it out.

he text a second ago (coward) to say he is sorry, but no 'please forgive me' etc etc.

i just feel stupid and so hurt. how can people do this type of thing.

in fact, what i really want to do i go round and tell he womans husband. (i know that would be horrid for him, but at this moment in time thats how i feel. although i don't blame her.) forgot to add, he doesn't drink, so he cant even pretend it was a drunked one night stand.

sorry about the rant!

OP posts:
Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:35

i don't think he wants to be with her. she's married too.

i think he left as he didn't know what to say (despite having 4 months to think about it!)

His mum text me a second ago to say she is shocked and sends me lots of love.

i don't really know too many people where i live as i only live her as thats where he is from. I mean I know other mummy friends, but don't really feel I can talk to them about this.

at the moment i don't really know what i'm feeling. i miss him and love him, but am so angry and upset. i always had the whole 1 strike and your out mentality, now i don't know. we have children, so i guess it's complicated. but to be honest, i don't even know if he wants to work it out.

he text a second ago (coward) to say he is sorry, but no 'please forgive me' etc etc.

i just feel stupid and so hurt. how can people do this type of thing.

in fact, what i really want to do i go round and tell he womans husband. (i know that would be horrid for him, but at this moment in time thats how i feel. although i don't blame her.) forgot to add, he doesn't drink, so he cant even pretend it was a drunken one night stand.

sorry about the rant!

OP posts:
nosferatu · 29/03/2010 21:35

AWFUL. I can only say, it is good that he told you and didn't keep you in the dark for years.
I believe we are all entitled to truth. Now try to not make definite desicions now whilst it's still fresh.

Big big hug, you must be feeling so vulnerable now.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:36

not sure how that appeared twice!

OP posts:
bossyboop · 29/03/2010 21:39

It isnt fair to have to muddle through this without having him respond to your thoughts and feelings

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:39

his parents picked him up, as i told him (as he was midway out the door) that he couldn't take the car! he's staying with them.

out of all the things i was thinking, I hadn't actually thought what made him tell me tonight.

OP posts:
madamdelfarge · 29/03/2010 21:39

Chuck his stuff out, tell the ow's husband and change the locks. If he wants to save your marriage he is going to have to grovel his little socks off to get you back.