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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just admitted having sex with someone else

555 replies

homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:05

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

OP posts:
SixtyFootDoll · 29/03/2010 22:11

How awful
And what a coward he is.

Have a good hug and cry when your sister gets there.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 22:13

they are a big catholic family, so im sure his mum has kicked his ass for sure!

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confuseddoiordonti · 29/03/2010 22:15

well done his mum!

oliviasmama · 29/03/2010 22:19

so he dished the dirt and ran... what a load of shit. Sorry homebirth. Be as strong as you can and if you need a shoulder in the night there are plenty of us around

BIG BIG hugs x x

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 22:22

thanks oliviasmama. he is such a coward and a bit pathetic really. i mean, hes always been a bit immature, (hes the baby of the family and has always been treated like that) I think he couldn't cope with my sadness and didnt know what to do.
or maybe im just making excuses for him? wow - ive never had such contrasting emotions all at the same time!

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Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 22:23

i feel really sick now. im guessing thats a normal feeling! i cant wait for a sleepless night and having to get up with 2 children at 6am! whilst he gets to lay around his parents house.

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confuseddoiordonti · 29/03/2010 22:26

Yes, I think it probably is a normal feeling, unfortunatley. It will get better, but perhaps not imminently (sorry!)

Being the baby of the family is no excuse though, sorry. How would he react if the boot was on the other foot?!

oliviasmama · 29/03/2010 22:28

dont drink the wine, stick to the tea, it's bad enough the sleepless night let alone a hangover too.

what a knob, he really does sound a wimp...the least he could have done was to stick around and sleep on the sofa not do a runner.

totally spineless and very bloody selfish.

hope your sister gets to you soon.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 22:30

i know its no excuse. to be honest i don't know how he'd react if the boot was on the other foot. i mean, it seems i don't really know too much about my darling husband do i.
oh i think the anger is coming back now!! (yes my skin is turning green and my clothes are ripping at the seams!)

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geordieminx · 29/03/2010 22:32

He should be begging for forgiveness, trying to sort this horrid mess out, not taking the cowards way out, hiding behind his mammy.

Gonna take a shot in the dark here, in that I would guess one of the reasons he has told you tonight, out of the blue like this is either OW is putting pressure/blackmailing him, or her husband has found out, and he is shitting himself.

cock breath

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 22:33

sadly there was only enough wine for 1 glass!! so there goes that plan!! but don't really fancy a hangover though!

oliviasmama, you are so right. knob, whip, spineless, selfish. all good words!!

it would have been good for him to go for a walk maybe, then come back so we can chat. maybe he thought he was doing what i wanted?
(why do i keep making excuses for him!)

anger going, sadness back

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confuseddoiordonti · 29/03/2010 22:33

Have a big rant when you sister gets to you. Talking of which, I presume she's not there yet?

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 22:35

geordieminx - before i put my post on i hadnt really thought about why he told me tonight. now i really want to know. i would guess one of your suggestions is correct. i mean, it cant be guilt as hes kept it for 4 months, over xmas and a holiday.

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Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 22:36

sadly sister not arriving at station till after 11.30pm, so wont get to me to maybe midnight. she got the train from down south, bless her!

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WillowM2B · 29/03/2010 22:38

What a wanker. He has done a runner because he is a coward and cannot explain his behaviour and does not want to get involved in a deep discussion about it - Also, if he had not gone of his own accord, there is the potential that you could have thrown him out.

He would not have wanted that rejection and it would have "made him feel worse than he already does" (!) A cheating partner will tell themselves all sorts of shit to make themselves feel better. IME there is very little remorse, just justification.

You will find yourself making excuses for him - especially in the early days. This is someone you fell in love with, married, and had children with - its really difficult to understand the level of betrayal you feel until its less raw. Time does heal though and you will be able to make sense of it all at some point.

Pleased to hear you have someone coming up for you. I dealt with it all myself the first time my ExH cheated on me - I was too ashamed to admit my husband was unfaithful so kept it in for years and it ate away at me. (I forgave him, he repayed my trust a few years later by cheating on me again and eventually fucking off with his secretary)

Stay strong x

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 22:46

willow - sorry to hear about your situation. i cant believe you dealt with it alone.
tbh, i doubt i'd tell many friends/family (unless we do call it a day), but having you all hear is really helping. so thanks to everyone.

its just so hard to even think about now. let alone decide what to do right now.

we need to talk, and be grown ups! not (as geordieminx put it) hiding behind his mammy! although i'm sure she's given him what for!

i just feel so drained. its probably the worst feeling i've ever had (and my mum died when i was a little girl, so i know pain!)

its funny (in a not really kind of way), the other day i had a frank conversation with him about how when i was a child i felt really unloved, as my mum died, dad was working, got re-married to someone who used to hit me etc etc. so i was saying that all i crave in life is to be loved. i hope he felt like shit after i told him that.

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oliviasmama · 29/03/2010 22:46

on the choice of words homebirth....I've had a lot of experince!

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 22:48

men really are dicks aren't they x

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oliviasmama · 29/03/2010 22:50

mine was, still is, unfortunately still love him but am working through it, thats another story, a dull one at that. chin up.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 22:52

oliviasmama - how did you forgive? i dont cant imagine ever being able to stop thinking about what hes done. but i do love him.

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ItsGraceAgain · 29/03/2010 22:52

You know what, you're funny.

It may be defensive/gallows humour, but I'm bloody glad to see it! Keep that spirit strong, Mrs Hulk

Have you got that stupid white noise (like TV interference) in your head?

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 22:55

itsgraceagain - thanks!! I think i may change my name to mrs hulk, but that would imply i'm married to mr hulk and i think we can all see thats clearly not the case!

and yes, i do have that white noise in my head, i just assumed i had super sonic hearing!

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oliviasmama · 29/03/2010 22:57

no I haven't forgiven him, we've split up. I can't forgive him and IMO you dont stop thinking about what they've done, but thats only me, it's been my choice, I know a couple of relationships that have worked their way through stuff like this.

be brave

Jajas · 29/03/2010 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 23:02

oliviasmama - thanks for the honest answer. in my heart at the mo i want to work it out, but in my head i don't think i could ever trust him or forgive him. it just makes me feel physically sick to think what he did.

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