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Relationships

just admitted having sex with someone else

555 replies

homebirthmummy · 29/03/2010 21:05

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

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homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 09:28

I text him this morning as i wanted answers. i couldn't face speaking to him or seeing him. i asked him to email me and this is his reply (sorry if its long)

how many times

twice on one night on staff night out

how did it all come about?

i was texting her for a few months on and off and then we went out with work and it was at the hotel where we were..she was drunk, and it was a terrible thing and knew how wrong it was.

why did you do this to me and kids?

i dont know why i did this, as i say, i would never hurt you or kids intentionally and i dont know if it was over last 6months or so i have just felt so down and like i was a robot and didnt exist, for someone to understand me i saw that as me being myself. i knew it was wrong and i have lived with the guilt for a few months because i knew what hurt and pain it would cause you..the very thought of breaking your heart is the last thing on earth that i wanted to do..and since i said to you last week i was unhappy, you really have been lovely and i was seeing you why i fell in love with you but the guilt of this mistake was affecting me and i knew it would destroy you and trying to erase it from my brain i thought would be easier than telling you..

how did her husband find out?

her husband just rang me, he told me he knew weeks ago about it from her friend.

would you ever have told me?

i was going to tell you but i knew it would destroy you so i knew there would never be a perfect moment for telling you such devastating and horrific news.

how could you get in to bed with me afterwards?

you were asleep and i looked at you and said im sorry, i couldnt sleep that very first night, and many nights afterwards.

have you been in contact with her since?

i have briefly seeen her in work but nothing else, we both knew what a mistake it was and what we had to lose.

who knew about it?

3 work colleagues knew, one of them told him,rightly as she was his friend as hers.

and what now?

the only thing i want to do is to be with you and the kids, and beginning to try to earn your forgiveness, i know it wont be easy and truthfully i dont ever expect forgiveness.i am truly and honestly sorry, and i would do anything to be forgiven.

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toldyouso · 30/03/2010 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morningpaper · 30/03/2010 09:45

aw homebirth mummy

just big hugs to you

and just wanted to say how wonderful your sister is - her coming round shows you that you really really ARE loved, and that is a wonderful thing

good luck with the next bit

xxx

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countingto10 · 30/03/2010 09:46

You can get through this if it is what YOU want. It is almost a year to the day when my DH walked out on me and our 4DSs to go to OW. We are now back together with a better marriage, more honesty etc, a more "grown up" relationship.

Do you love him and want to work things out ? You will never forget this but you can get through it. The presribed reading is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glas and anyone who has been through this recommends this. Me and my DH went to Relate for weeks, it helped us both understand how the affair came about, we both had to change but DH has had to change the most basically grow up and take responsibility for his actions. This change has come over the last year ie not immediately. There are many ups and downs, 2 steps forward, one step back etc. I felt I owed it to my DC to give my marriage a chance, to do everything I could before throwing in the towel.

All contact with OW has to cease, he has to be an open book to you now (a person with nothing to hide, hides nothing), free access to mobile, emails etc (my DH had a second phone BTW).

But this is about what you want, if you can't get through it/past it then that is OK too. I had a friend who asked her H to leave evertually because as she put it "I couldn't even look at him in the end".

I pleased you have your sister there, my sister was a rock to me at that time, I was on diazepam for a week I was so traumatised. Lost about 2 stone in 6 weeks. Lived on sweet tea and biscuits.

Good luck and keep posting.

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Divatheshopaholic · 30/03/2010 09:46

Im so sorry,
What horrible thing. Affair always bring hurt to everyone involved. I cant imagine myself in your shoe at the moment. I dont know if i will ever forgive and forget. But its your life and your desicion.
Good luck.

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blinks · 30/03/2010 09:48

yeah, take your time. don't let anyone pressure you to do/say anything.

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fortyplus · 30/03/2010 09:50

I think that's quite an emotional outpouring.

Actually I think maybe you would feel better to meet with him to clear the air a little. Can you leave the children with your sister and meet him somewhere quiet/discreet to talk about this? Even if it's just somewhere you can sit in the car to talk.

Otherwise you're going be be stewing over every word all day. You need answers.

I'm still not conviced that this was a one-off incident. Tell him he needs to be 100% honest and tell the whole story now. Otherwise if you discover more at a later date you will never deal with it.

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homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 09:52

thanks everyone. i just don't know what to write back. i have so many comments about what he said. im in the middle of composing a message but its turning really angry. i'm not sure if thats a good thing or not. perhaps i need to say it all to get it off my chest? and maybe he needs to hear the repercussion of his disgusting actions.

countingto10- in glad you have managed to save your marriage. part of me just wants him to turn up and give me a hug, the other part doesn't ever want to see him again.

i will make sure he arranges counselling either way, his mess he can take that step, right?

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homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 09:53

fortyplus - you are right in all you say. i feel so confused and numb

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MrsTicklemouseWantsBunnyEars · 30/03/2010 09:55

i agree witoldyouso, i would give it more than a day though, don't have any contact, other than maybe text/email, for a good few days, wait until you have started to get control over your emotions and feelings, decide if you could live without him, your marriage will never be what it was and they wil almost certainly impact on the children

my DH slept with someone else 6 years and i have never truly forgiven or forgotten, its not ok on a day to day basis but i am always suspicious now and it comes up in every arguement, it is very hard to live with the pain, now 2DSs and a lot of arguements later we are on the brink of a divorce that should have happened 6 years ago

i'm sorry to put even more of a downer on things

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homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 09:58

mrsticklemouse, thanks. sometimes you have to honest and realistic even if it hurts.

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countingto10 · 30/03/2010 10:12

HBM, you really do need him to be completely honest with you, until you know what he has done etc, how do you know if you can move on ? My DH kept some vital facts back (so as not to hurt me even more and because it was all so vile) and when he eventually told me it was like discovey day all over again.

You cannot get past infidelity without going into the reasons why etc, with the betrayer looking at themselves etc. Try this site - it's a bit "american" but the articles are good and it helped me when the affair was all I could think about, it helped me understand a bit more if that makes sense. It's hard to make sense of nonsense though .

You will go through every possible emotion, it's best just to go through them, don't try to bottle things up, get upset, get angry etc.

The best advice is don't do anything drastic for 3 months, when everything is calmer and the initial shock has worn off. Get some legal advice as well, you don't have to do anything it is just advice but it helps to have some knowledge and control.

My DH left OW after 6 weeks and then stayed at his mum's for another couple of months. In that time we worked on repairing the damage, going out on dates etc, he stayed a couple of nights a week to help with the DC (they were very traumatised by things (16, 9, 7 and 4)), we went to Relate and kept in constant touch but we did need some time apart.

You have to do what is right for you and nobody else.

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 30/03/2010 10:13

HBM, I agree you should just not reply for a while, maybe meeting up later today would be a good idea instead. You have a perfect right to demand (when you meet) to check all his phone messages and emails, and if possible speak to the work friend who told OW's husband. They will know what is going on. Surprise him with asking to see phone etc and don't let him put you off til tomorrow when he can have deleted everything (if not already).

Heartfelt as his message sounded, I would greatly doubt it was a one-off too, I would think the emotional part has carried on if not the physical side. Surely it's impossible (as he suggests) that you have spent more time with her than he has, since it happened? Who arranged the meet ups with her and your daughters? That is one of the most nauseating parts of this IMO.

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mampam · 30/03/2010 10:16

I agree with Fortyplus - there's definitely more to this story than he's letting on. If they both felt bad about it afterwards and as guilty as he says then why did they feel the need to meet up with DD's?
Surely if they felt so bad about it they would have just stayed out of each others way?

Plus the texting sounds a bit dodgy beforehand.

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ladylush · 30/03/2010 10:18

You poor thing Even though I have been in your shoes (but h didn't confess - I found out), I can't offer much advice. You have to decide if you can work through this or whether he has totally crossed the line. Although h and I worked through it, I still think about his infidelity every day (and we are two years on).

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fortyplus · 30/03/2010 10:30

homebirthmummy - you have entered into a grieving process just as though someone has died. The first stage is shock/disbelief/numbness. The real anger and pain is yet ti come. I do think from what he said in his e-mail that you stand a really good chance of working through this if that's what you want.

Remember... he has failed spectacularly in his duty as a husband and father, but it doesn't necessarily make him a bad person. We all make mistakes and this is a huge one, but he clearly wants to move on and is showing a clear understanding of how you are feeling. That's an excellent start imo.

Good luck - and use your sister's support. She will willingly give it and you need it.

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Karmann · 30/03/2010 10:39

HBM it is possible to get over this. You will go through every single emotion there is - possibly all at the same time, it is so confusing and consuming.

Although he is saying it was a one off at Christmas there was clearly a build up to it - do you recall any change in his behaviour at home before the Christmas party?

I too was of the opinion if it ever happened to me he would be out the door - the reality is very different. We are still working through it and it is a hard route to follow but it is achievable. It takes a very long time to work through this, for the mental pictures to fade, for the horrible thoughts to diminish but it is possible. To me, the bottom line was 'Do I want to be with him or without him?'

You are coming across as remarkably strong and I would urge you to hold on to that strength. Although you do not feel it, you are doing really well.

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Prinpo · 30/03/2010 10:39

HBM, I've just read the whole thread through and wanted to say how sorry I am. I would reiterate the need to give yourself as much time as you like. Work to your own timetable and no-one else's.

Over the next few weeks you'll get so much more information, not just about what happened but also how he talks about it and what he says about your relationship. I hope that will help you to decide where you go from here. It's really early days and there's no pressure to make any decisions other than very short-term ones.

I noticed he has blamed you for things in the relationship over the last few months. That's likely to have left you feeling pretty shitty, even before you found out about the OW. The fact that he has slept with someone else is a failing of his and his alone. If there were problems in the relationship (as there are in any relationship) then they should have been dealt with IN the relationship. The fact that he was unhappy is no excuse. He failed you, he failed your children. He really needs to understand that and not make excuses. I agree with fortyplus that he needs to understand how important it is that he's completely honest with you now. It's kind of a one chance thing.

Whatever you decide in the long-run, remember that you can only make the best decision based on what you know and how you feel. You can't see into the future so if you make a decision that doesn't turn out well then so be it, don't beat yourself up about it (I'm thinking of those cases where people carry on after an affair only to find their partners have done it again).

You may not feel it, but you are stronger than you realise. You're clearly fabulous, I hope he realises what he could lose. We're all around for you.

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Xales · 30/03/2010 10:39

First things first. Please make an appointment at the STD clinic and get yourself checked over.

She may have been drunk but you have said he doesn't drink. Although drink is no excuse he knew exactly what he was doing.

He didn't tell you because he didn't want to hurt you. Yeah right............ until he had no choice because he had been found out by her husband.

Now he has told you so he is 'being honest'. Nice little halo he has there, sod that your heart is breaking he can look himself in the mirror with no guilt because he has come clean.

I don't think he would have told you anything if her husband had not found out, they would have carried on.

Read some of the other stories on here if you haven't already. It was one kiss, it was a cuddle on the bed, then it was we slept (fully clothed) but nothing happened, then sorry yes but it was just the once, finally you find out they have been shagging like rabbits in lunch hours, after work, when ever they can basically.

He has had four months to think this through at least, if not longer if the texts were pre sex.

Don't make any decisions until you are ready no matter who pushes you even if that takes you four months or more.

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homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 12:39

xtales - the thought of going to a std clinic makes me feel physically sick. but a valid point.

it really does feel like i'm grieving. its hard trying to stay strong for the kids though.

prinpo and karmann, thanks for your messages too. as my nan always said, you have to keep your chin up even if your necks dirty!

i kinda feel a bit better that (even of it was preempted by texts etc) it did only happen on one occasion.

its hard when you love someone as you kind of make allowances don't you? i guess maybe thats what happens in abusive relationships - sorry a bit of a side thought.

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homebirthmummy · 30/03/2010 12:42

am i supposed to feel forgiveness already? I kind of do, but i do keep flitting between emotions!

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WilloughbyWallaby · 30/03/2010 12:44

Oh dear, HBM I really feel for you. Firstly, I hope WhenwillIfeelnormal comes back, she is fab with stuff like this, especially as there's his actual email in this thread.

Secondly, reading that email, I have to agree with some of the others that there must be more to it than he's so far let on. Texting pre-event is really off and suggests maybe not deliberate premeditation, but definitely that he knew something was happening. He should have been honest with you then, but as he wasn't, I think it's most important that you have lots of time to yourself before going back for any more information, or discussion about how to move forwards.

You need to remind yourself that you can be on your own, in case it does come to that. It will make you feel stronger.

IME, the semi-grovelling at the end of the email is really just a token. Sorry if that isn't what you want to hear, but it is at the end, it is an afterthought, almost. If his pleading doesn't work, get ready for more blame being put onto you. He will shift from begging forgiveness and professing love to shouting, blame and bullying, to see if that will work instead.

I would be very dubious of him at the moment.

Lots of hugs, and remember that you are a strong woman. HE is answerable to YOU, not the other way around. The moment you start to feel as if he is attacking you, remove yourself.

xxx

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WilloughbyWallaby · 30/03/2010 12:47

Sorry if that was a bit strong, just feeling very angry on your behalf.

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HoopsAndBelly · 30/03/2010 12:48

homebirth I found myself in a v similar situation as yourself about 5/6 years ago, my ex-h told me he'd had sex with my sister before we were married.........I was absolutley devestated but took him back when he told me how sorry he was etc etc........anyway I couldn't get it out of my mind and every time I closed my eyes that's all I could think about...it eventually turned me into a very withdrawn and completely different person, so I left him and found myself a good bloke, best thing I ever did........you need to give yourself time and really think about it, your right in what you say about if you love someone you make allowances for their behaviour.....hope you are feeling ok and having your sister is helping you.....my thoughts are with you.

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Karmann · 30/03/2010 12:51

You will flit between emotions almost on an hourly basis. Anger, sorrow, grief, hurt, disbelief ... the list goes on so please don't expect too much of yourself. Even though it was once, it's still incredibly damaging. It makes you question everything and you'll probably tie yourself up in knots going over things in your mind.

Please give yourself some time, you're still in shock and other feelings will kick in later.

It is hard when you love someone but you can't make these kind of allowances for them - if you do that you are almost saying to them it's ok to have done it when it's not.

Talk to him when you're ready to and don't put any pressure on yourself as to when that may be. You are doing really, really well. (And I love your nan's comment!)

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