just admitted having sex with someone else

[homebirthmummy]

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

[Malificence]

He was sober, she was drunk?

What a charming individual he sounds.

[homebirthmummy]

WilloughbyWallaby - thanks for your honest opinion. it certainly does look premeditated. i'm not so bothered with a bit of non intentional flirting, but when intention is involved thats different.

i felt the same about the after thought. i emailed him back with red all over his email with my comments and feelings. i know that was probably unwise but i needed to get what i was thinking off my chest.

i also felt he was very self centered and blinded. he loves making excuses, and i think that is demonstrated in his mail.

i do feel strong, but i also miss him. or maybe i miss how it used to be and i guess thats gone forever.

he just text saying'can you give the kids a hug from him'
then second text directly after 'i love you'. i mean if thats not an after thought i dont know what is!

[homebirthmummy]

hoops - what an horrendous experience. thats betrayal of the worst kind isnt it. glad youve found a good man now x

karmann - so you are right. i dont want him to think that its ok he did it.

he just text saying i deserve better than him. and you know what, yes i do!! but you cant help who you love. i mean (he is actually a lovely guy, which it was such a suprise, so out of character)

Malificence - i know, thats gross isn't it! i think he clearly instigated it

[AnyFucker]

hbm...the most important thing he can do now is to be completely honest

if he doesn't come clean...and more comes to light later on, it will be like going through this all over again

but worse

I would be working on the assumption that you do not know the whole story...and he is telling you the minimum he thinks he can get away with

tbh, his previous actions kinda point to that, don't they ?

I second those who said to give yourself lots of space..you are feeling in need of comfort but he is not the appopriate person to give it to you

don't be pressurised into anything, especially by his family

you hold all the cards, now, lady

you decide how it is going to be

he must be completely transparent, he must tell you the whole truth...he must show you by his actions, not by pretty words, that he takes full responsibilty for his actions

he isn't doing that yet...but he might just step up to the plate if you make it clear you are taking no responsibility and that you are definitely taking no bullshit !!

all the very best to you...and take your own sweet time^ x

[HoopsAndBelly]

yes it was at the time but I moved on, which is what you can do in time.......thing is he has done it once, whats to stop him doing it again?? Men like this are pigs and do not deserve good women like yourself, you sound like a strong woman and I hope you can be strong and do the right thing

[gonnabehappy]

Remember, he will be feeling (quite correctly) like a piece of shit that is the lowest of the low right now. The only way he can rationalise his betrayal is to blame you; at least to some extent. I endorse what everyone is saying. Give yourself lots of time and be kind to yourself.

I let my husband come back too soon. I don't regret letting him come back but I do regret not taking more time for me. I am not sure how long you have been married but I do know how easy it is for your whole identity to be caught up in family/spouse/children (and I write as someone who has worked in academia throughout). I wish I had taken more time to build myself a more independent identity before working on the marriage.

You will get loads of advice here, things to do, read and say...time for you is the most important in my opinion. x

[WilloughbyWallaby]

I don't blame you re the email, I'd have done exactly the same thing. Allow yourself a few angry moments with him, but honestly, the best thing to be, when dealing with him, is cool and collected, even if it's the last thing you feel. It will throw him and make sure you have the 'upper hand', as it were. Release the anger on MN, or with people like your sister.

I hope you're making time to be very, very kind to yourself.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Sorry, HBM, but I'm going to second what AF has said here. I don't believe you're getting the whole story at all. I really think he's only told you what he needs to to protect himself. He's only told anything because the OW's husband found out.

As for having nothing much to do with her, that's not really true, is it? She's in your lives - you've chatted with her, for heaven's sake.

Honestly, cool, calm and collected is the best approach (obviously) but I think a fair bit of fury might be beneficial to getting the whole story. Then, honestly, ignore him until you have your head back together a bit. It will keep you safe while you decide what you want.

[homebirthmummy]

well i think i have got to the bottom of whats been going on.

they started texting end of last year, nothing in it apparently. he was unhappy (although as far i was aware, we had a super holiday etc, all was well) and xmas night out, well you all know what happened then.
apparently for next 3 months they thought they really liked each other and were texting etc etc.

her husband saw the texts and made her stop (he contradicts himself a bit here saying the husband text him in feb and then he says the hubby called yesterday)

then he realised it was me he loved, not her - when she stopped it with him. im now back to the whole 'you're a twat' mentality!

[teaandcakeplease]

Just done a speed read through your thread. My husband cheated on me and didn't have the guts to even tell me. Found out the hard way, we're still trying to work through things as with 2 young children I want to be sure I've tried my best before throwing in the towel.

Give yourself 3 months to process things, before making any major decisions IMO. It's good you're having space right now. He probably did run away after, as he was being a coward after telling you

The best advice I can give is read this book. I've certainly found it very helpful and so have a number of other mumsnetters too.

Take your time to come to terms with this, try and do nice things to treat yourself and try and rest when you can, take any offers of help with babysitting etc.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

I found out something similar (although circs quite different) lately. My response was "Right then, who shall I shag? I reckon I'm owed about 3. So the choice is, someone three times or three random shags. What do you recommend?". Obviously, very, very childish but very satisfying...

How are you feeling though? He is, quite clearly, a twat.

[teaandcakeplease]

Your feelings are completely normal, especially the oscillating of them

I agree with whoever said switch your phone off. Give yourself some mental space by not contacting him for a short while.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

HBM You need to do what's right for you. You will hear lots of people saying that you should bin your marriage and you may also feel very uncomfortable in your own skin at the moment if your instinct is to "save" when you have always believed you would never give a second chance.

My advice to you would be to see him for some uninterrupted time to talk. You do not have to make any decisions yet at all. You just need to listen and to think.

In the wake of a discovery like this, you are both in far too emotional and shocked a state to draw any conclusions.

I can tell you that your H will want to limit the damage and to obscure some of the more painful truths. In your shoes I would be insisting on absolute honesty from him now, but also bear in mind that he may well have beliefs about him and the affair that are unshakeable, because he is also lying to himself. Only when he is challenged about those beliefs (and that might take time) will some of the truth emerge.

For your own sanity, I would seek to corroborate exactly what he is telling you. He must hand over all his phone bills (and these must go back longer than he's saying this started) and since her H knows about this affair, speak to him to see whether their stories match. Encourage him likewise to do his own digging. He will be a powerful ally in getting to the truth. Ask to see any E mail correspondence between them - and any letters. You are looking for any independent and irrefutable evidence here. It will be painful to read and see, but relying on your H's version of events will always leave a doubt in your mind.

People coping with guilt behave rather like your H did, creating arguments and blaming. They do this to create a justification for an affair to continue and also to assuage the guilt of deceiving a good person. It is no surprise at all therefore that he felt tortured when you were being kind and loving last week. Many people in the throes of an affair will quickly create another argument to provoke less loving behaviour in the betrayed spouse so that they have renewed justification to continue.

Like others have said, you will feel a range of emotions and you will go from hating him to loving him in the space of an hour.

It is possible to get past this and create a new, better marriage, but not without total honesty on both sides and without the betrayer examining their own behaviour and taking total personal responsibility for his choices.

[homebirthmummy]

thanks teaandcakesplease i too feel i owe it to my children to try, but i'm now back to the angry/sad phase.

i will get that book too.

[AnyFucker]

he has to get to the bottom of why he was "unhappy"

is he blaming you ?

looking for excuses to justify himself ?

having a twatty "midlife crisis" ?

feeling "confused" ?

if he just puts it down to temporary "unhappiness" but has now miraculously come to his sesnses (because he got caught...) then nothing will resolve

you will not trust him again

he will not feel that you have "moved on", he will start a feel a bit "unhappy and confused" again....

can you see the pattern here...

I think it has just hit me that the OW was drunk and he was stone cold sober

I absolutely do not think that alcohol is any excuse at all, and I am not sure why him being sober makes it worse somehow...but it does

that is fucking nasty...but I can't really articulate why...other than the fact he was very much in the driving seat, knew exactly what he was doing, and took full advantage of her at a vulnerable moment

the other thing that would absolutely make be volcanic with rage...is that people at his work knew all about it

any person who ever makes a fool of me had better be ready to deal with the consequences...OP, I suggest you dig deep for that anger and push the soft, fluffy forgiving thoughts to the back of your mind

at least until you are 110% sure about him, his motives, your own position and clocked how he behaves over the next few weeks

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Cross-posted. Adults never truly believe that texting another woman is "just nothing" and please don't believe the stuff about him being "not happy". That is just a justification. He was probably perfectly happy, but this was an ego boost. He is contradicting himself which is what always happens. As I've said, get some independent corroboration.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Afraid that something's telling me that the OW being drunk is a lie.....told to protect her. Which is worrying if he's trying to protect the OW's motivations in all this. No-one's a victim and vulnerable if they've been texting a married man.

[AnyFucker]

yes, that too

why would he protect the OW ?

is it because being drunk is the bullshit she told her DH...and the whole "explanation" has been agreed between the two of these cheating liars ?

yuk

OP...I am incandescent on your behalf x

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

The "I was drunk" may well be the defence the OW is using to her H - and your H feels he has to corroborate this story.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Listen out too for protestations that the OW's H is a monstrous bully, whose accounts should never be believed.....

[gonnabehappy]

WWIFN - totally agree he is trying to protect OW (I almost typed skank there - a word I have adopted from an American site and luuurve!). Time will tell whether he really wants to work on your marriage...and time will tell if you want to as well. Be kind to yourself; cry, grieve, scream, take a long bath, get in an extra bottle of wine for tonight (if your sister is still there for the children!).

The only communication I would have with him for a little while is to ask when he will see the children so you can tell him. Oh and I would also agree with WWI that the OWs husband could be a fantastic ally. Would your sister be able to be around for the children if you were to say arrange to meet husband somewhere for a talk next week/ Relate would be good - they will help whatever the outcome?

[homebirthmummy]

whenwillifeelnormal and anyfucker- thank you for your posts. you have put somethings in to perspective and my forgiveness feelings have been over shadowed by rage, anger and sadness.

i have asked for numbers and i will be getting some verification. although, they could say anything, so i suppose the more people you ask the better. half of me really wants to go into his work.

apparently the OH text from her phone and called from a witheld number, convenient?!

ive told him to give me her number

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

So is he saying that in effect she dumped him - and only at that point came to his senses and realised it was you he loved? That they had sex and reverted to an emotional affair for 3 months?

[homebirthmummy]

skank is a good word!

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

She won't tell you the truth HBM - she's got too much invested in her own lies. Get his bills, speak to the H, speak to the work colleagues if necessary (although they will be feeling horrible about this, no doubt) - get evidence from anyone without a vested interest, or an inanimate but irrefutable source, like phone bills, letters and E mails.