just admitted having sex with someone else

[homebirthmummy]

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

I read this entire thread yesterday with a lump to my throat, and did not post.

I see that WWIFN have pointed out the concerns I had, so very eloquently, and with much insight.

I am not going to be so kind to him in my summary:

He allowed himself to enter into an adulterous relationship. He introduced his and her children to eachother and ensured they were enrolled in the same ballet classes. He met his new woman with your and her children, and were admittedly hugging in the playground, in open view, but not in front of the children. He brought his new woman to your home and your bed. He was prepared to break up your marriage and leave you for her, he even thought he could handle only seeing his children twice a week so he could move on with her.

What happened?
The affair was found out, and the OW decided to stay with her husband. Next, being separated from you he realized he could not realistically only see his children as a part time dad. (What about you?) I gather he also had some pressure put on him by his moral and Catholic family. Divorce is not really possible, unless granted by the pope for some very good reasons, isnt that so? And adultery? tut tut.

I dont see any particular mention of you, or concern for you, let alone any concern for his own children in this. Aside from preparing them for his new woman early on and familiarizing them with her kids.

I am sorry for you and your kids. I really hope you find a way to move on from this, with or without this pathetic, calculating scumbag of a man. Sorry.

And if you DO decide he is worthy of a second chance, you call the shots. And reread wwifn's post below and ensure he moves to a different job and cut out of his life all the people he collaborated his affair with: people he rubbished you and your marriage to.

I should add, the heartbreak you see in him at the moment, is as much grief of being dumped by his new woman, and losing the future he was planning with her, as it is for you and what he did.

whenwill is very wise.

I think it is important to feel that the other woman knows how he feels about you - however i dont think it would do much good - she can think what she likes anyway and probably think he has been 'told' what to say. I am sure that my ow still thinks that we have a sham of a marriage - but i really dont care - and if it makes her feel better thats ok by me.

There has to be no more contact though, even if it does mean a change in job. Again i did try for a while with them still working together - i was luckier than many though as his firm was very supportive and kept me informed.
It didnt work out though and actually it was my h who found it hard to work alongside and was fortunate to find another (better) job.

I think the best advice is do as wwifn says and do not feel any pressure to commit to the marriage - you have time on your side and can change your mind if you find it hard at any time.
Good luck

Agree with wwifn - think she has covered pretty much everything.
How are you hbm?

Hope you are feeling alright HBM. Must say I agree with WWIFN and Quintessential - it's important that you have the reality of what happened in the back of your mind, it will equip you to deal with the coming weeks and months much better than will a comforting adaptation written by your H to portray himself in a good light.

Bet the poster who made the suggestion about when he gave up the MA is right - or he was failing because of using the time with OW and wants to cover that up.

Thinking of you and the kids HBM x