just admitted having sex with someone else

[homebirthmummy]

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

[thisisyesterday]

whereabouts are you? you're welcome to come over here and talk/shout/cry at me about it if you happen to be nearby! i make nice cake
and i like you cos you have homebirths! lol

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Eugh what a crap situation, all of his own making of course. Where is he? If you do want him back you must not let him gloss over what he's done. It's not fair on you and it will make him think you will put up with any old shit. Must be a friend from elsewhere you can phone? Or your family? (hugs)

[homebirthmummy]

thanks! that made me laugh!

[bossyboop]

your imagination can make the whole seem a million times worse than what it is (not that im suggesting it isnt that bad, coz it is) but i mean you could be imagining allsorts of things that havent even happened but really the best thing is to have all the info about what happened and when, how long, what he wants now etc then you can deal with the facts rather than just what your imagination is telling you.

[homebirthmummy]

im in the northwest (and yes home births do rule!)

[homebirthmummy]

bossyboop, i totally agree with you. how can i decide what i want, when I dont know a- what happened and b- what he wants

[homebirthmummy]

my sister is already on the train up (with voodoo doll!! - her words!)

[thisisyesterday]

darn, i am in the south east... couldn't really be any further away could i? lol

still, will send you some virtual cake over the internet.
do you have a good friend you can phone and talk to about it?

[norksinmywaistband]

Atm I would do nothing -
Her husband may already know, then it makes you look/ feel worse than you do already.

Tonight you need to think only about you and your DC.

Take your time and let him know that it may well take a long time for you to make any decisions on anything as you are in shock.

I am going to leave the thread now as some of the things you have said are too close to my own experiences for me to of be of use to you, you have others on here who will support you through.

Keep remembering though you have done nothing to cause this it is ALL down to him and his actions. You will grow and become stronger because of this

[thisisyesterday]

oh good i am glad you've got someone coming up to be with you.

[homebirthmummy]

thisisyesterday - thanks! no we couldnt be further away!! i had a good old chat with one of my close friends. i kinda dont feel like talking (typing seems to come out much easier!

exogenesis - tea was a good suggestion thanks!

[homebirthmummy]

norkskinmywaitband - thank you so much for your words of wisdom and support. take care x

[confuseddoiordonti]

Typing is often better as you can rant but in a more ordered way (if that makes sense - possibly not!)

Also sending virtual hugs - have a big glass of wine and wait for your sister. And rant away to us in the meantime (if you want to of course)

Is this woman an actual friend of yours? Did your DH really just give the bare basics of info before he buggered off? (if so, what a twat)

[confuseddoiordonti]

You're probably going to be all over the place for a bit as these things take a while to sink in. Glad someone is on their way as you'll need it shortly.

[homebirthmummy]

yeah that is all he said.

when he left, i was in the lounge. i felt i wanted to ask him 'why' so i went outside and he'd already made off up the street to meet his folks en route.

that hurts too, i would have thought he'd at least try to talk to me. but no.

[bossyboop]

In times of crisis I like the prayer of serenity, tho im not religious at all but like the message...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

Its happened you cant change that, but have courage. You will survive this. Whether you muddle through and maybe go for counselling or something or whether this is it theres loads of help for single mums so dont be fretting about details and finances. Focus on the relationship which is hard as you dont know whats going on but if you need a good cry get it out your system and focus on the children they will give you strength. Then tomorrow I would be trying to get the info from him and deal with it from there. Big Hugs xxx

[homebirthmummy]

she wasn't a friend of mine in a sense. but i'd met up with her a fair amount (her daughter is the same age as mine). so id seen her at birthdays, ballet, soft play areas etc.

i cant believe she could look me in the eye all those times aswell.

[homebirthmummy]

bossyboop - thanks for your message. it made me cry x

[confuseddoiordonti]

I second what bossyboop said. You can't change it, but you will be strong enough to deal with it, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time!

What did his mother say? Did you tell her exactly what had gone on? Did you have any inkling things were awry in your relationship?

By the way, don't feel obligied to answer if you don't want to. Am asking as it appears from your OP that it was a bolt out the blue. Which makes him running off down the street even more shitty, if you don't mind me saying

[confuseddoiordonti]

More of a good acquaintance then? Or bad acquaintance might be a better way of putting it

[Filofax]

Homebirth I feel so bad for you, please don't make any rash decisions and drive yourself mad speculating. Get over the shock and then get answers. Be strong xx

[ItsGraceAgain]

Just a hug from me too. What a shock!

Glad you have company tonight. Give it time to sink in, avoid big decisions. Eat comfort food!

xx

[homebirthmummy]

confuseddoiordonti - his mum said 'what can i say except ... and I are absolutely shocked at what ... did. we love you x'

things had been a bit tense this year (now i know why!) things had been really bad for about 2 weeks, and we had an honest (or so i thought) chat a few days ago. id been working really hard to amend the things which he said were getting him down, but he made no effort to amend his ways. i think he was trying to make me the bad guy so he didn't feel so guilty.

when he said he had something to say, i thought he was going to say he wants to leave, or he doesn't love me. for not one second would i ever have thought he would have sex with someone else. - let alone someone married!

wow my head is pounding!

[homebirthmummy]

filofax and itsgraceagain - thank you. i'd probably vomit if i ate something!!

his mother just text me again. saying she hope i can find it in my heart to forgive him. why does it feel everyone else knows whats going on except me!

[confuseddoiordonti]

Oh, you poor thing! No wonder your head is pounding, it would be more worrying if it wasn't. It's going to take a while for this to sink in and for you to work out what you feel once the shock as worn off and also what you want to do. Now is not the time to make any decisions, you've had a whopping big bombshell and need it to sink in.

Ps hope his mother kicks his ass!