just admitted having sex with someone else

[homebirthmummy]

I've never posted before, but I really could do with, well I don't actually know what I could do with.

my husband told me 2 hours ago that 4 months ago he had sex with someone else. At his works Christmas party, with someone he works with, and has seen since (taken our 4 year old daughter out with her daughter). In fact, our daughter joined the same ballet class as her daughter under my husbands recommendation, and I've sat with her drinking coffee and chatting shit.

I don't really know the reason I'm posting, I guess I just feel really sad, angry and lonely.

[homebirthmummy]

jajas - totally feels like a bad dream. its so surreal i really do feel like im only half present if that makes sense. i wish i could wake up and for things be back to normal (pre xmas normal clearly!)
my sister is super indeed!

[homebirthmummy]

funnily enough i just text him. i cant bear talking to him on the phone, but i want to know what made him tell me. ill await an answer and my sisters arrival, then hope to sleep!
i am so shaky!

[homebirthmummy]

ok that answers that question.

he only told me as her husband found out.

now im miss hulk again

[homebirthmummy]

yeah that does seem worse. its not, i told you as i had to be honest or anything. the fact he would have kept it from me forever, always being an arse and blaming me for his behaviour (thats what he's been doing for the past month or so)

im not sure where i can go from here

[AnyFucker]

I am so sorry to see this, hbm x

[ItsGraceAgain]

What an absolute bummer. I'm very on your behalf! Bless your sister, she should be arriving soon? You'll have someone to grrrowl with (and sleep with.)
All the best, my love.

[homebirthmummy]

he has just sent me the most pathetic after thought text i have ever read - saying, along the lines of 'but i also told you as i felt so down, i didn't want to live a lie any longer'

how self centered.
so he told me as her husband found out, and as an after thought, because he felt down!

wow! he was really thinking of me then!

sister due any time now. head spinning.
not replying to any of his messages.

thanks so much for all the support everyone xx

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

hbm - Come back tomorrow if you can, as there is so much we can do to help you make sense of what has been happening to you in recent months. I noticed he's been blaming you and creating arguments - all classic affair distancing behaviour. Hope you can let it all out to your sister. Really thinking about you tonight. That feeling is bloody horrible and it will seem like a bad dream for a while.

[blinks]

sounds like there's more to it than one shag.

sorry x

[groundhogs]

HBM, a huge hug from me, your sister will be with you shortly.

Don't panic, sounds like his parents'll give him a good pasting.

He is an arse. Be strong.

[homebirthmummy]

whenwillifeelnormal i will be back tomorrow for sure! he most certainly has been creating arguments and blaming me for then. and doing the whole, its not what you say, its how you say it thing. he's also been away from the house for hours (but he's doing a masters so that was the excuse), however not much of his masters has been achieved. So you and blinks, i think you may be right and it may have been going a while.

i need to get to the bottom of whats going on.

if it happened more than once, i can tell you right now there will be no forgiveness. that is for sure.

sister in a taxi so nearly here.

i couldn't have waited without the support from you all xx

be back tom to update!

[mathanxiety]

self-centered twat, first class. And I agree with Blinks that what you've been told is the tip of the iceberg. The number of men who've done the deed 'just once' and then turned everyone's life upside down as a result is astronomical. Poor tortured souls....

And also, what's his mum doing texting you and begging for you to forgive him? Big Catholic family is what my ex came from as well, and he did something similar to what yours has done, so I warn you to watch out for your MIL and expect fickleness.

Take care of yourself, he doesn't deserve you. Don't deflect your anger at the OW. It's the H who has hurt you.

[AnyFucker]

I agree with math

your MIL should butt right out

her loyalty is with jack-the-lad there

no way should be "hoping you can forgive him"

emotional blackmail so early ?

tell her to look after her little boy and keep her nose out out of your feelings

[Over40]

God, it feels like you have been re-writing my story! My heart goes out to you but you WILL amaze yourself how strong you can be. Just a word of caution. MIL will almost always put their sons first... No matter how much she bollocks him, she has taken him in. My MIL phoned me a week after he left and told me "In the long run you will see it is for the best". Turned out she had known all along as had all his friends. In the words of the song...I was the last to know!
Not suprised he ran off. If you are the sort who cheats then you are spineless and can't deal with confrontation. Just imagine him like a 4yo who has just admitted it was him that ate all teh cake! They run away as well!

[blinks]

'i hope you can forgive him'

should read-

'i hope you can pretend this never happened'.

[mathanxiety]

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Math - how horrible for you. And whilst I agree that HBM should not divert all the blame on to the OW, in these early days especially, she is entitled to feel a huge measure of anger towards someone who chatted to her and socialised with the DCs all the while she was having an affair with this poor woman's husband. That really does take a particularly nasty sort of woman

At least her chickens have come home to roost if her H has found out.

[oliviasmama]

GOD WHAT A SHIT!!

Hope your sisters with you now, so glad she's come to you.

x x

[kittya]

I really hope her husband kicks her out. Be very wary of the MIL, they cover for their boys so much. Especially if she is really into being a good catholic. Bury her head in the sand.

[Wanderingsheep]

God what a shit! Dropping a bombshell and leaving you on your own to deal with that and the children!

Glad your sister has come to be with you. Hope you're feeling ok this morning and managed to get some sleep last night.

Please take care!

[homebirthmummy]

Didn't get much sleep last night.
I feel sick today. Really horrible.
I don't really blame the OW, as I know things always work both ways.
It was the saddest experience going to get the kids this morn. I just held my (almost) 4 year old and silently cried. Thankfully my sister is here.
Think it is off my MIL was asking for my to forgive him. He's not even asked/begged for it.
We'll see what the day brings, but I know it's going to be hard. I just feel like I don't know what to do or what's going on.
It's the most horrible feeling. I don't know how any of you who've been through, manage to get through it.

[WhoIsAsking]

hbm, you've got to go with the feelings I'm afraid. It is horrible, and you've got to be really kind to yourself.

Take it one moment at a time.

thinking of you.

[fortyplus]

Trying to think of something positive to say...

He has been cowardly but at least has expressed regret and an understanding that you cannot forgive what he has done.

The truth is that maybe you can forgive - what you can't do is forget.

This is a terrible breach of trust and he's been living with the guilt for 4 months. Be under no illusion that this has been an ongoing affair - otherwise how would OW's husband have found out?

In a way he has been brave to finally face up to what he's done and tell you before risking you receiving a phone call from OW's husband.

So... a 4 month affair... to you as the loving mother of his children it's inconceivable that he could have done this. But people do embark on affairs and kid themselves that they aren't hurting anyone. What the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over etc.

So without for one moment condoning what he has done - think hard about your feelings for him and whether you want to save your marriage. It sounds to me as though you should. You can work through this together if he is truly sorry.

Glad that you have such a supportive sister - she will be a rock to you in the weeks ahead.

Whatever you decide... don't be hasty. View this as a failing on his part rather than a willful act of hurting you.