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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

stressedmummys counselling session.

318 replies

stressedmummy · 14/07/2005 15:56

Thought I would start a new thread to update you on my counselling session today, as I have had my last thread deleted.
It was during my lunch hour & I managed to keep my cool throughout it all, which was probably because I had it in my mind that I had to walk straight back into class afterwards!
I told her as much as I could in that hour & she was suprised at how calm I seemed, as what I was telling her about H made her feel all tense.
I explained to her that when I do lose it & get all tearful, I remain like it for hours & hours.
She told me that I have been brave to confront him & to speak to the SENCO.
She also said that he sounds like the kind of man who would be capable of lashing out at me one day (which was similar to what my HV said)
& she thinks it would be a good idea for me to go on this freedom course.
I told her that the only thing that was holding me back is the real acceptance of abuse & she said that she could tell that although I am accepting he is abusive, I am still a little in denial of the severity of my situation.
Now I am back from work, I am trying to digest it all!

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 14/07/2005 16:05

hi sm, thanks for the update, I was wondering how it had gone.

Someone else (another professional rather than us amateurs!) has now told you how abusive your relationship is and how serious the situation is. Do you think that will help you accept it?

Got to go not, but back this evening. Glad you got though it, well done!

Original poster
stressedmummy · 14/07/2005 16:10

I am now kind of accepting that I am in an abusive relationship, but it is a very scary thing to do.

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dinosaur · 14/07/2005 16:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 14/07/2005 16:12

I got it deleted because I slipped up & posted using my regular nickname yesterday!
I was scared of being found out by H, so contacted MN to delete it for me.

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 14/07/2005 16:18

Had you caught up with it since my bad w/e a few days back dinosaur?

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Blu · 14/07/2005 16:20

Hello!
I cat'd a friend of yours as I wasn't sure when you'd start another thread.

I'm pleased you managed to discuss so much with the counsellor. well done. And it's good to know that you have so much proper professional support around you.

I have told you that I feel chilled by your h, too. I don't know about physically lashing out, but I dn't think he's going to want to let you go. I'm actually pleased that you had the other thread deleted because I think he is likely to do everything he can think of to track your movements and contacts, and cut you off from people. The MSN thing was a strong signal.

You are very brave listening to all this from people, it can't be easy to hear. Most people run away from it, for fear of the things it means they have to confront. Until something really bad happens, and they have to run. (I'm not criticising those people at all.)

That's why I think you are so brave.

dinosaur · 14/07/2005 16:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 14/07/2005 16:25

Really?
My counsellor said to me as I was leaving that she thought I was being very brave & I said "I am not so sure about that!"
I think I am not at all brave, because if I was I would have stood up to him more, or maybe left long ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 14/07/2005 16:28

Thing is, he does not see his behaviour at the w/e as bad, because he didn't smash anything up.
He feels that I was at fault.
I haven't made any more plans yet dinosaur. Don't know where to start?
He is seeing his gp about AM on Monday.

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 14/07/2005 16:37

The counsellor even asked how often I have sex with him!!!

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Blu · 14/07/2005 16:45

The fact that he doesn't see any of it as bad, and thinks it is your fault is the problem, really, isn't it?
You can't go on, in a relationship where you are 'always in the wrong' - when you aren't.

Hmmmm. sex.

well that's a whole aspect of it isn't it? If you enjoy it as a feeling of closeness and pleasure between you, if you want it as much as him (or you do after a bit of time to mentally separate yourself from the list of things to think about as a wife and mum!), if your pleasure is as important to him as his own and he is sensitive to your needs and enthusiasms, if he receives pleasure as part of the relationship between you, if you never do it because he wants to and you know there will be a row if you say 'no', then that is a healthy sex life. If not, then it is indicative of the problem, perhaps.

And of course, I'm not asking you to comment on any of that unless you really want to.

You ARE brave, honey, you really are. And strong, and doing the right things for your gorgeous precious boys.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 14/07/2005 16:52

No, no, no to all the sex q's Blu!!!
I told her that I do it as infrequently as I can get away with & when I do the deed, my thoughts are along the lines of "That lets me off the hook for another few weeks!"
At the moment sex is the VERY last thing on my mind & the way he has been behaving recently, it is enough of an effort to even lay next to him to go to sleep!

OP posts:
Blu · 14/07/2005 16:56

tbh I'd think you really were weird if you said anything different! he's hardly doing anything to make anyone feel sexy or affectionate, is he?

Glad you started another thread, anyway - I like to know where you are, and daren't e mail you.

Off to get DS.

XXX

Original poster
stressedmummy · 14/07/2005 20:40

She also said that she has a friend who deals with AM cases & apparantly they sometimes end up sending them for counselling or phsycotherepy if they feel it is neccessary.

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 14/07/2005 20:41

He could do with some of that kind of thing!

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Blu · 15/07/2005 00:42

He could do with a good pull-through with a christmas tree - as they used to say where I grew up!

It just seems so sad that he didn't get some help before all this damage was done, and upset caused.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 07:34

I agree & I don't know if he has left it too late now for any huge improvements to be noticed.
He asked me how it went yesterday & I just said "ok"
I couldn't bring myself to say much to him last night TBH & thought he MUST know I would have been discussing him, as he is the single most stressful thing in my life ATM!
What else would I be talking to a counsellor about???!!!
The counsellor confirmed my thinking, that even the most abusive men have this other "nice" side that keeps us thinking that we have got it all wrong & they can't be that bad after all.
That is why women who are beaten sometimes stick around so long. (The average amount of times a women is beaten before leaving is 32 according to my HV!!!)
I was in a really ratty mood with the boys (for which I apologised) last night & I think it was because I didn't have time to take all this in until last night.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 08:26

Just recieved my parcel Blu!
Thank you for the book & the sarong!
What a sweetie you are!

OP posts:
Blu · 15/07/2005 11:41

You're very welcome.

The post is unnervingly good atm - Tamum sent me some cake decorations from the other end of the country, and they arrived immediately!

Wow - 32? I didn't know that. That is very sobering. But perhaps not surprising because the very act of being beaten or emotionally abused takes away the very capacities that are needed to leave or fight back - self-esteem etc. Coupled with the ability, as you say, for men to turn on the 'nice sie' - AND the isolation that these men engineer - restricting the woman's access to money, to friends and sometimes even to family. Look at what your H has done to try and stop you talking to other women - the thing with your friend, the MSN...

I don't know how much of it is consciously thought out and calculated, and how much is just a part and parcel of needing to be very controlling, couped with anger and aggression. That seems to be the typical mix in an abusive man. Control freak, anger and aggression. And emotional coldness, except for a possesive passion for the poor woman. That's what I'd say from observation of people who have found themselves in this situation, anyway.

It might be worth asking your counsellor how much she thinks you should say to your H about what goes on in your sessions - but I'd say your instinct is right - as little as possible - it's your private time. And you won't be able to do it if he's badgering you and trying to control what you say and don't say.

I DO hope you have a calmer w/e this week - and you have a few opportunities to relax and breath freely.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 13:02

I think I will say as little as possible to him about the sessions, as I don't want him getting in a mood about me going.
I can't believe how many things I have/are doing behind his back ATM & almost not feeling guilty about any of it!

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 13:02

That was meant to say have done/are doing behind his back!

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 13:23

Forgot to say, your descriptions of the things an abusive man does, sums my H up perfectly!

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kissalot · 15/07/2005 14:25

Sorry to gate crash on your thread but can identify with your posts. Can I just ask a question - do any of your family or friends know how he treats you, or have you glossed it over and kept it to yourself?

dinosaur · 15/07/2005 14:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 14:47

Don't think of it as crashing my thread kissalot, it is not a private thread!
No not many of my friends know the full extent of what he is like, because a lot of them know him quite well too & also I fear anything slipping out, as he goes mad if he thinks he is being spoken about.
My family don't say much, but they have seen bits & bobs for themselves.
I have told my sister quite a bit though.
I don't feel guilty at all dinosaur, not even about talking to the SENCO behind his back, which I thought I would feel decietful about.

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