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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

stressedmummys counselling session.

318 replies

stressedmummy · 14/07/2005 15:56

Thought I would start a new thread to update you on my counselling session today, as I have had my last thread deleted.
It was during my lunch hour & I managed to keep my cool throughout it all, which was probably because I had it in my mind that I had to walk straight back into class afterwards!
I told her as much as I could in that hour & she was suprised at how calm I seemed, as what I was telling her about H made her feel all tense.
I explained to her that when I do lose it & get all tearful, I remain like it for hours & hours.
She told me that I have been brave to confront him & to speak to the SENCO.
She also said that he sounds like the kind of man who would be capable of lashing out at me one day (which was similar to what my HV said)
& she thinks it would be a good idea for me to go on this freedom course.
I told her that the only thing that was holding me back is the real acceptance of abuse & she said that she could tell that although I am accepting he is abusive, I am still a little in denial of the severity of my situation.
Now I am back from work, I am trying to digest it all!

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 14:48

And I certainly am not off on a jolly!

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 15/07/2005 14:51

Don't feel at all guilty about not telling him. If you tell him the details of the session, he may well try and manipulate them/twist them round and try and make it yet another example where you feel you are in the wrong and things are your fault (if that makes sense).

dinosaur · 15/07/2005 15:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 15:47

Oh don't worry, I will keep the sessions to myself.
He is VERY good at making me feel I am always in the wrong & often succeeds.
I told my counsellor that there are times where I kind of don't know what is right & what is wrong anymore.
She thought it was bad that we must share the same e-mail account, because we should not have any secrets. (his words)
She said if we should not have any secrets, then surely I should have the right to say to him "I am going to tell the school all about your behaviour & how it is having an affect on ds1."
Rather than him happily letting me blame myself at SENCO meetings & him sitting quietly.
Obviously I would never say anything like this, but what she was basically getting at was that it is ok for him to have secrets, but not me.

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 15/07/2005 16:18

Exactly, if he is saying you should be involved in everything together and not have secrets, why does he keep the accounts to himself, why does he choose all the furniture himself etc.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 16:21

Very true I guess.
I had never thought of it like that before.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 18:30

Feeling awful now.
I was just bathing my boys & ds1 asked why some children in his class do not live with their Daddy's.
I told him that sometimes Mummy's & Daddy's can get a bit cross with each other & not be good friends anymore, so they decide not to live in the same house, but the children still see their Daddy's & that is why some children in his class say they are going to Daddy's house. (Didn't know how else to describe it)
He then told me that he wanted his Daddy to still live with him, but that Daddy always shouted at me.
He went on to say that Daddy shouts all the time & does it when he gets in from school (he was referring to last Friday when H snatched the report from me)
He said "I was in charge of the letter & Daddy wasn't listning to me, I wanted you to have it Mummy."
He said it made him feel cross & very disappointed.
I tried then to say that sometimes Mummy's & Daddy's argue, to which he then said "Well why don't you shout at Daddy then?"
This has really, really upset me.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 20:37

He has just said to H "Why did you snatch that report from Mummy?"

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 15/07/2005 21:05

What did h say?

Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 21:14

He said "It was because I wanted to read it too."
Ds1 then said "Well I will decide who reads it & it is Mummy, Mummy, Mummy."
He also asked about the money, because H flipped a coin to see who should read it first.
I think it did H good to hear his little boy actually come out with these things to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 21:22

Found it all very upsetting, to say the least.

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 15/07/2005 21:22

I guess that conversation with ds1 shows that these arguments/incidents/demonstrations of temper by your h are having a very serious effect on him. He remembers them and had clearly been thinking about this incident.

It's very sad that ds is worred about these things and about the fact that h shouted at you. He seems to realise that there may be a link between incidents like this and daddies not living at home any more.

I'm sure that most children would want to live with both their parents (in ahealthy relationship) but at the end of the day you have to make a decision about what happens.

If you do end up separating, ds will naturally be very upset, but should eventually come to realise (years down the line) that it was for the best. And he will be able to enjoy a normal happy childhood without having to worry about daddy shouting at mummy and at him all the time.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 21:28

Yes I guess you are right CQ.
I feel kind of all over the place in my head ATM.
I think ds1 worrying about seperation has worried me about how horrible it will be for him if things come to that & at the same time I am very upset at the effect all this is having on him.
I tried to reassure him as best I could & felt so sad that I started to get a bit tearful.
Ds1 said to me "Why are you starting to cry Mummy?"

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 21:32

I reassured him that I was ok, but the whole ds trying to protect his Mummy thing got to me.
It is SO wrong.

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Caribbeanqueen · 15/07/2005 21:33

Bless him.

I think separation would be very difficult for everybody involved in the short-term, but you need to look at the long-term results of staying and leaving.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 21:34

I know.
It is so horribly hard though.

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 15/07/2005 21:47

Very hard, I agree.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 15/07/2005 21:50

Maybe I do need a good shaking

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 15/07/2005 21:51

You don't need a good shaking, you need a lot of support and some time and space to make some difficult decisions.

Blu · 16/07/2005 00:41

Oh, lord, StressedMummy, what an incident - I never think you need a good shaking, but i think anyone would have felt shaken after that!!

He's deep, your little boy, isn't he?

I think he's telling you he's not happy - but no child would wnat to take responsibility for saying somehting that kmight sound like suggesting living apart from a parent. And most children are still desparate for their parents to approve of them - however badly the parent treats the child.

If it does come to separation, no-one is suggesting that the kids do not see thier dad, are they -

hard, hard, hard, SM.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 16/07/2005 11:06

Very, very hard.
Ds1 is very deep & very good at describing emotions.
I feel so messed up in my head right now.

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 16/07/2005 11:30

Hopefully the counselling will help you to sort out your head a bit. How many sessions do you have?

Original poster
stressedmummy · 16/07/2005 11:32

I think I am offered 6 to start with, but if I am in need of more after that, I can have a maximum of 12 sessions.

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 16/07/2005 11:43

What kind of counselling is it, do you know?

Original poster
stressedmummy · 16/07/2005 11:47

Didn't know there were different kinds!
It is through my surgery & was arranged by my HV, but that is all I know.

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