stressedmummys counselling session.

[stressedmummy]

Thought I would start a new thread to update you on my counselling session today, as I have had my last thread deleted.
It was during my lunch hour & I managed to keep my cool throughout it all, which was probably because I had it in my mind that I had to walk straight back into class afterwards!
I told her as much as I could in that hour & she was suprised at how calm I seemed, as what I was telling her about H made her feel all tense.
I explained to her that when I do lose it & get all tearful, I remain like it for hours & hours.
She told me that I have been brave to confront him & to speak to the SENCO.
She also said that he sounds like the kind of man who would be capable of lashing out at me one day (which was similar to what my HV said)
& she thinks it would be a good idea for me to go on this freedom course.
I told her that the only thing that was holding me back is the real acceptance of abuse & she said that she could tell that although I am accepting he is abusive, I am still a little in denial of the severity of my situation.
Now I am back from work, I am trying to digest it all!

Oooh, sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I suppose I didn't really think it would be any different, which is why it seems so hard for you to have to be offline.
It was always going to be a v hard few weeks to get through.
So sorry.
Hope your Mum cooks you a lovely comforting lunch.

Just a chicken sandwich!
Things have continued to be very difficult in the last week & I seem to be forever getting myself into trouble with him for one thing or another.
He was cross with me the other day because I had been out all day with the boys & had not got any washing done, so as a result he had no clean jeans.
There have been lots of other little things, but last night things got very bad & I feel things are reaching a head.

I am sorry about that SM - what happened last night????

Have you got time to say what happened last night?

(

Give me a ring SM if you want to talk - i am around all day - our drive is being done and we cant physically get out of the house (oh, and the routine of a six week old baby!)

So sorry sm.

It makes me really angry (on your behalf, not angry with you) to hear you talk about "getting into trouble" and about him being mad because you hadn't done any washing. Is he not capable of washing his own clothes?

Please let us know what happened if you have a chance. Have been thinking of you.

Well, on Saturday night I went out with my friends & by the end of the evening I was getting a lot of unwanted male attention (as you do in meat market club places!)
When the slow music came on at the end of the night, a bloke kept hassling me to dance & I was trying to get away from him, when I bumped into one of H's friends.
This friend said to me "Come & dance with me"
I did dance with him (not in a smoochy way), as I felt safe that his friend was not going to try & crack onto me and was doing this to save me from the bloke that was giving me hassle.
Nothing went on at all & never would even if I was single as this bloke is NOT my type AT ALL!
The friend of H's just saw that his mates wife was getting hassled & got me away from the situation.
Anyway, as it was so innocent I mentioned to H that this friend had danced with me to get me away from this bloke, assuming that H would know his friend wouldn't be trying to crack onto me, but looking out for his friends wife. (very stupid I know!)
His reation was NOT good at all & he went mad BIG time.
My Mum phoned to speak to me & he threw the phone at me & was demanding I tell her what I had done & was trying to grab the phone from me & tell her himself.
I told my Mum that one of his friends had danced with me & she didn't seem shocked by it, but was very concerned that I was ok, as he was shouting abuse at me while I was talking to her & she could tell that I was crying.
She didn't want to get off the phone.
I have NEVER been unfaithful to him, but he has to me & I forgave him.
He said he wants to sell the house & was saying we needed to seperate, which is more than fine by me!
He also said that my family will now think he is beating me.
We have barely spoken today & TBH I don't want to speak to him.
I want out of this horrible relationship even if I am to blame.

You DO need out SM (and NOOOOOO you are NOT to blame)
Have you spoken to your mum today??

Yes I have.
She thinks he is overreacting a lot & my Dad has just phoned my Mum to check how I am today.

I was reading the book that puska sent this morning & flicked straight to the final chapter, which is about recovery from bad relationships.

Have you told your mum everything???

Oh Lord, SM, poor you.
No, it is not your fault, none of it.
I am SO pleased that both your Mum and dad clearly recognise how bad this is - and to carry on like that, throwing the phone etc, is really disturbing.

It IS ok to dance with other men - even strangers, actually! it was CERTAINLY ok to dance with your H's mate, and I am sure his gesture was exactly the gallant, considerate action you think it was. I suspect that H's mate would be horrified and insulted if he knew how H had reacted.

Might this be a good moment to let your Mum and dad know a bit more about what has been happening? About DS, about the glasses etc etc?

Has he been unfaithful since you have ben married / got back together again after you split, iyswim?

Oh babes im so sad to hear things are as bad as ever,please take himup on his selling the house idea and get out hunni,i so wish you were nearer so i could offer the support and take you and your littles in with me till you got sorted out.
At least you now have mum and dad aware of what is happening please use them and lean on them if need be and over all take care and continue working on getting out.

Could you just stay at your Mums? I know you feel it isn't at all ideal, but is it worse than going home to H?
Can you use the time before term starts to find out what your dights and financial situation would be?
You can't go on living like this.
The boys can't grow up thinking that this is how men behave.

This is definitely not your fault. He is an arse and his reaction was totally unacceptable. You did nothing wrong.

I agree with Blu that this might be a good opportunity to tell your mum more about what has been going on.

You should take him up on his offer to sell the house and separate. No question about it.

I have told my Mum everything about last night, but not everything about everything IYKWIM?
She knows about the glasses because she was the one that found them in the bin!
I told her the reason they were there & she said she didn't like it that the glass at the bottom was so smashed up & there is no need to go smashing things.
She sees what he can be like with ds & goes out of her way not to get him into troube with H.
Last night I felt so very unhappy & didn't sleep.
I cannot bring myself to talk to him today & do not feel the need to explain myself any further.
The last time he was unfaithful that I know about, was a year before we got married & very nearly split us up.
If he thinks the threat of divorce is going to bother me he is very much mistaken. I want out!

Was that ANOTHER affair - besides Ms B???

Yes, do you not remember it?
He says that he didn't go all the way with her, but I only have his word for that & I am not sure I believe him.

Interesting that your Mum is careful of protecting DS from H.
I think everyone's going to be on your side, SM.

I hope so, as I think things are going to happen soon.
It is getting to the stage where I dread him returning from home & when I go out I don't want to return home.
Sometimes when we are out with friends I get this look from him if I say or do the wrong thing & I know when I get that look that I will get it in the neck as soon as we are away from whoever we are out with.
I can't continue to live like this.

• do i know her???

btw -EVERYONE would be on your side Why dont you just stay at your mums tonight and not even tell him where you are???

• do i know her???

btw -EVERYONE would be on your side Why dont you just stay at your mums tonight and not even tell him where you are???

SM, it makes me shudder, when you describe things like that.
It reminds me of my friend who was badly beaten by his parents - and he used to describe that 'look'.
He can't own you like this.

What about this: go home, collect all your important documenatation,little things that are important to you, and your financial documents - cheque books etc - and go back to your Mums and just stay?

No you don't know her. It was a friend of S's wife. (S being the one with 4 kids)
He is on nights tonight so I am ok in my house.
Wish my internet was working!