stressedmummys counselling session.

[stressedmummy]

Thought I would start a new thread to update you on my counselling session today, as I have had my last thread deleted.
It was during my lunch hour & I managed to keep my cool throughout it all, which was probably because I had it in my mind that I had to walk straight back into class afterwards!
I told her as much as I could in that hour & she was suprised at how calm I seemed, as what I was telling her about H made her feel all tense.
I explained to her that when I do lose it & get all tearful, I remain like it for hours & hours.
She told me that I have been brave to confront him & to speak to the SENCO.
She also said that he sounds like the kind of man who would be capable of lashing out at me one day (which was similar to what my HV said)
& she thinks it would be a good idea for me to go on this freedom course.
I told her that the only thing that was holding me back is the real acceptance of abuse & she said that she could tell that although I am accepting he is abusive, I am still a little in denial of the severity of my situation.
Now I am back from work, I am trying to digest it all!

I also worry about H getting so depressed if I leave that he would do something silly.
His own father took his own life when H was 14, after his relationship broke down.

Have you raised this with your counsellor?
I have to admit that I think your fears are realistic - even if he doesn't mean himself serious harm, he will know that an apparant attempt will have influence. And I do think he will try all sorts to keep you. But from what you have said , he doesn't sound daft - so maybe it's a case of staying one step ahead and letting him know that stunts (or wild acts of martyrdom) simply won't work.
What general line of work is he in?

I haven't mentioned it to my counsellor yet, ran out of time to say everything to her last week. Will probably mention it this Thursday.
He works on the railway as a signal engineer & does a lot of long hours & shift work.
We spoke a little about the AM last night. He said he wants to stop smashing & hitting things when angry and also wants to stop swearing so much when he gets cross, but knows it will not stop him getting angry in general.
He said that he wants to give it a try & if it does not work I will have to leave him.

Well, in his good moments, he sounds as if he is serious about going through with the appointments - but as you say, it isn't just about changing the things he does when he's angry, it's about not being so angry and unreasonable in the first place.

He must be in a very male work environment - I wonder what effect that has?

He is in a very male work environment.
Last Christmas time I met his boss while we were out for a drink & this boss grabbed me by the arm saying "Your mine tonight, a deals a deal."
H was finding it all very funny & apparantly he had asked H what he would get in return if he got him a pay rise, to which H said "Anything" & his boss requested he would like to sh*g me.
They were both finding it all quite amusing, but I didn't find it very funny at all.

No, I can imagine.

A nice sensitive caring suportive environment, then, where his male collegues might actually set him right about his behaviour, and help him to be a better partner and dad? NOT!

Blimey SM, no wonder your self-esteem is on the floor sometimes. It must be very hard to get though from day to day battling against this sort of nonsense.

I don't think he is likely to be set right at work at all.
I have told him that I didn't find their little joke very funny & asked what he had said to his boss in reponse to what he requested.
H said that he said to him "Yes fine, I will join in too if you get me a pay rise."
Obviously it was all a joke & maybe I should have seen it as more of a joke, but it made me feel like his piece of meat at the time.

And yes, my self esteem is pretty poor!

You don't think I over reacted then?

I think what made that night worse was, the night befor he had smashed a glass ball from the Christmas tree into lots of pieces because he was cross that it had been knocked from the tree.
The next night I was feeling quite unsure about things & then that happened.

It was pretty tough.
It happened at the time I decided to start my first thread, because I needed to know what others made of my situation.
I was really quite shocked at my replies though.
Up until that point I had never seen his behaviour as abusive.

Not only did he smash the ball, but he then went on to throw all the presents around.
Thankfully I had removed the kids from the room at the time.

I think you did post on my thread at one time.
Glad to hear it is not just me not having a sense of humour.
I cannot bear the thought of sex ATM.

It will still be around somewhere I think.
Lots of stuff has happened in the past, which proves how weak I am to still be here.

Mind you, I am a little stronger now & do stand up to him more.

And I will not let things get that bad again.

Yes he does have spells of being nicer & that is exactually the reason I have not gone long ago.
There have been times when he is being nice again where I actually wonder if I have imagined some of the terrible things.
He has 2 VERY different sides to him, but then I guess lots of men like him are also like this.