stressedmummys counselling session.

[stressedmummy]

Thought I would start a new thread to update you on my counselling session today, as I have had my last thread deleted.
It was during my lunch hour & I managed to keep my cool throughout it all, which was probably because I had it in my mind that I had to walk straight back into class afterwards!
I told her as much as I could in that hour & she was suprised at how calm I seemed, as what I was telling her about H made her feel all tense.
I explained to her that when I do lose it & get all tearful, I remain like it for hours & hours.
She told me that I have been brave to confront him & to speak to the SENCO.
She also said that he sounds like the kind of man who would be capable of lashing out at me one day (which was similar to what my HV said)
& she thinks it would be a good idea for me to go on this freedom course.
I told her that the only thing that was holding me back is the real acceptance of abuse & she said that she could tell that although I am accepting he is abusive, I am still a little in denial of the severity of my situation.
Now I am back from work, I am trying to digest it all!

I've never opened up to my HV, I'm at work full time now, so don't see her very often anymore. Whenever she visited I was on a 'good' day so would be all chatty and she used to comment on how well I seemed to be coping, so never felt it was the time to say, well actually I feel a bit sh1t and wanna burst into tears at any time....

I was like that on the virst visit from my HV, especially as her ds's went to the school I worked in, but by the second visit I was so desperate, that when she asked how I was, I answered "A bit down TBH!"
She wasn't at all suprised, as she suspected I was down from her first visit, even though I felt I had covered it up so well!
If you don't have dealings with your HV, you could go to your gp & ask to be referred for counselling.
Mine came through really quickly!

Sorry, that should have said first visit, not virst!!!

i'm seeing my GP on Tuesday, depending on how that goes, we'll see where it leads. I feel like a fraud though, i see illness as something visible and find it very hard to go to the doctor to say I don't feel quite right, but with nothing to show her.

DH is being quite understanding about the whole thing which has helped my depression levels.

I know what you mean about not thinking of depression as a proper illness, because you cannot see the symptoms, but when you have depression you are still very poorly & gp's see loads of people with symptoms of depression.
Glad you have an appointment though & that your H is being so understanding!
Think I just heard ds2 calling out from his cot! My peace is now shattered!!!
Will pop back later & let you know how H got on at the gp's.
Good luck with it all meeely2!

He went & he is now back!
Sounds like there is quite a waiting list though.

He is in an ok mood ATM dinosaur.
He told the gp that I had suffered with PND after ds2's birth & that I am seeing my HV again and that his temper is part of the reason.
He explained that he smashes & punches when angry, alongside lots of shouting & swearing.
The gp said it was ok for him to punch things, as long as it was not in front of us.
He said that the shouting & swearing in front of the children MUST stop though.
H gave examples of when he punched a pillow next to me in bed & when he kicked the wicker washing basket in ds's bedroom (2 years ago)
The gp has put his name down for AM, but say's it is quite a long list & could be some time.
I am feeling pretty low right now for some reason.

Hi SM,
Do you and H have the same GP? I think you said the HV is from another practice? i wonder whether somehow you can get the message from your point of view to the GP? My Dad is not one for describing any symptoms to the doctor - my Mum rings the GP before he goes and says 'THIS is what the problem is!'...but you probably can't do that.

Not surprising you feel down, I think it's pretty clear that the AM is going to need to be swift and miraculous for it to improve your life.
You must be so tired, too.

But i am amazed that he did actually go! And pleased that he related back to you that he mustn't shout in front of the kids.But he shouldn't be shouting at YOU - doesn't the doctor get that????

Can't sleep! Too much is going round in my head!
No we don't have the same gp, we are at different surgeries, so it would not be easy to speak to anyone.
Yesterday afternoon, he was insisting that ds1 had to put away any toy he had out before getting another one out of the toy box.
Ds rarely bothers getting his toys out TBH.
I was talking to puska on msn last night & she has kindly offered to send me that book, that the counsellor reccomended, after tracking it down on amazon.
I know I should feel better that he has been to see his doctor, but I don't really.
It feels like it is going to take forever for him to get an appt & anything could happen in that time.
I had forgotten all about the time he was punching the pillow next to me in bed & asked him why he had done it.
He told me that he thinks it was due to me going on too much.
Having an oveltine! Will attempt to go back to bed in a minute!

Oh SM, this is impossible. That is far too much pressure on DS. I'm not surprised you can't sleepp. Amazing though it is that he went, it certainly is o instnt solution to the comfort of your lives now.

Tell him you are pleased that he has set the ball rolling, but you can't live all summer under this sort of regime, withh the kids at home etc, so you want him to move out until affter he has completed the AM?? Just a suggestion, not sure what the best course is, righht now....

I do think you need to make him understand that yours and the boys lives will be a misery if he forces you to live under his obsessive regime for the hols. And i DO worry that he will repress DS all over again, if he is on his back like that about toys.

I really don't want ds to go back to how he was a few months back.
H actually made a paper aeroplane with him this morning, which ds is happy with.
I really don't know what to do ATM.
It seems like AM is going to take some time.
It will be better next week when H is working in the day & not returning home until evening.
Ds is going to a party in an hour, which he is looking forward to.

hi, wanted to say hi, but not in mood to chat, sorry...hope you feel a bit better.

I agree with Blu. Ds 1 is under far too much pressure and I'm not surprise he doesn't bother getting his toys out. He can't be expected to live like that. And I know you have said that ds2 is too young to notice what is going on, but I am pretty sure he is being affected too, even though he is too young to show it.

How do you think h would reach if you asked him to leave until after the AM? It could be ages unti it happens and you and the dss shouldn't have to put up with another day of h's behaviour.

Don't think he would react very well TBH.

Things are calmer again right at this moment in time, although I know it will probably not last.
I had a talk with H about him obsessing over ds's toys being out & how this may be a big part of the reason ds does not often bother with his toys.
H seemed to listen to me & agreed that he should chill out a bit.
I am in a bad position ATM, as far as being able to get him to move out & it is making my situation so much harder.

Well done, SM - if you can carry on with calm, firm negotiating around things like toys, you will be going a long way to make life more bearable for you and better for the boys in the shirt term whatever transpires later on. It will also send a strong message to him that you do mena business, and that you are not prepared to live your life under the rules of Stalag H!

Remember, the house is not only your home over the summmer hols, but your place of work (childcare), and YOU are the manager-in-charge!

I will remember that I am the manager in charge, Blu!
I think he knows that he is dealing with a slightly stronger wife now!

Had another serious talk. He feels I am not the woman he married.

Does he wish you were?

Probably yes. The woman he married put up with lots more & didn't confront him.
He feels I have changed & that I don't love him, to which I admitted that I have changed, because I am stroger than I was then.
He feels that I am only here for the kids, to which I answered again that it is the children that I would leave for.
He said that he was trying to make things better, because he was down for AM, but warned me I am not allowed to mention it to ANYONE.
He told me I must not even mention it on MN (which of course I have), or he will go mad!
Ended up drinking lots of alcahol last night & had another bad nights sleep.

not good then hunny {{{big hugs}}} do you think he expects you to go back to being the women he married because he is going to AM and getting help,or at least appearing to be??
Dont go backwards no matter what happens it has taken this long to get where you are and if he doesnt like it thne he has to adapt too,its a fact of life that yes people do change especially after having children as you then have them to protect,i found this very clear in my case.And of course the fact that he doesnt want you to mention the AM to anyone is a denial in itself its almost like he's doing it to look good for you cause its what you want but he doesnt really accept that he is in the wrong by wanting no-one to know about it!I really hope it all works out for you if that is what you want,hopefully your counselling sessions will help you come to a conclusion of what you want for you and yuour kiddies,and help you getthe strength to leave if that what you decide to do.Take care hun xxx

No, we don't have any holidays planned for this summer & because I don't drive it makes it harder for me to take the boys away on my own.
He does have a strong need to control & also has some big insecurites.
He also still thinks I was in the wrong for putting that glass in the kitchen while he was talking to me & I told him even if I was wrong, he had no right to shout & swear at me like he did.
I have my HV coming round again tomorrow.