stressedmummys counselling session.

[stressedmummy]

Thought I would start a new thread to update you on my counselling session today, as I have had my last thread deleted.
It was during my lunch hour & I managed to keep my cool throughout it all, which was probably because I had it in my mind that I had to walk straight back into class afterwards!
I told her as much as I could in that hour & she was suprised at how calm I seemed, as what I was telling her about H made her feel all tense.
I explained to her that when I do lose it & get all tearful, I remain like it for hours & hours.
She told me that I have been brave to confront him & to speak to the SENCO.
She also said that he sounds like the kind of man who would be capable of lashing out at me one day (which was similar to what my HV said)
& she thinks it would be a good idea for me to go on this freedom course.
I told her that the only thing that was holding me back is the real acceptance of abuse & she said that she could tell that although I am accepting he is abusive, I am still a little in denial of the severity of my situation.
Now I am back from work, I am trying to digest it all!

Tonight H was only slightly niggly to me & ds said "Mummy I told you not to let Daddy shout at you."
H said "The boy is paranoid."

He's not paranoid, he's stressed and scared.

Only slightly niggly?????

For him, yes!
I could see in ds's face that he was concerned, as soon as H spoke to me like he did.
It was nothing major, but ds is obviously very sensitive to it all ATM.

stressedmummy so sad to see you back on the board,and even sadder to see things arent getting any better for you.From what you say yes your son is being deeply affected by whathe is seeing at home,its good that he is able to voice his opinion a little about it all but you never ever see the full affect.I have spoken to you before and also on msn at one point,not sure if you remember but i was in a very similiar position and had left my dp,he still saw the kids,but i stopped his access about 4 weeks ago now altogether phone and visits.He was continuing to be unstable and setting the kids off in his phone calls,i always felt that cutting him from them would benefit them hugely but was not an easy decision at all to take,anyway in the 4 weeks they have had no contact they have begun to stabilise and settle down enjoying life and just having fun so maybe i was right all along.Not saying the same will be for you and yours but i agree with a previous poster in that maybe the conversation you had with ds is his round about way of asking to be taken out of the situation,i know that first step is extremely difficult but think in the long term we have been separated 3 years now and i am only now begining to stabilise my kids who went through very similiar to what yous are going through just now.
Take care.
L xx

Hi there Loobie.
I do remember speaking to you both on MN & MSN last December, when I started my very first thread & I remember that you were in a very similar relationship yourself.
Sorry to hear that things got so bad with your ex that the kids cannot see him anymore.
Things with me seemed to settle a little after the December incedent, but have obviously flared up again recently.
The things ds said the other night have messed my head up even more, because he was saying that he wanted his Daddy to live here with him, but was very aware that Daddy shouted at Mummy a lot & that it wasn't right.
Don't know what to do now.

We went to my sisters for a BBQ today & he brought up last w/e in front of them, saying how rude I was & how like my Mum I was etc.
I got quite cross & said that he had no right to speak to me like he did last week & that I was listening to him, but should not have to stand to his attention.
In the end, he was annoying me so much that I had to walk away.
He obviously still thinks he was not in the wrong at all last week.

Sorry to gate crash... but having read most of the posts on this thread and you saying that you found it hard to lie next to H in bed, never mind have sex with him, I cant help wondering why you dont end the relationship. Is he hitting you?
Why dont you leave / ask him to leave.
I am not judging you... just got reading your posts and they reminded me of my ex... although he only hit me once and then I left him (we had no children which makes a BIG difference} but he always tried to control me, he didnt want me to learn to drive and didnt want me to go to night school {I did both anyway}
I hope things are not bad for you but if you did end the relationship it would be terribly hard for you BUT there would be a new chapter out there for you, good luck to you and you ARE brave.xx

SM, that's OUTRAGEOUS! To 'tell tales' to your sisters - Imagine if you criticised HIM to relatives like that, he would explode into a million pieces like a missile! AND to s**g off your Mum to your sisters - he really is outrageous. And trying to gather support from members of YOUR family to be 'on his side' - very insidious and cruel.

Well, it's Monday morning - has he gone to his doctors?

Oooh, SM, I hope you get some peace and calm very soon, you and the boys can't go on living like this, can you? I'm so sorry, it sounds very painful.

Thanks spangles.
I am still here, because I have not mustered up enough strength to leave yet & the thought of the seperation scares me a lot.
I fear for how much it will affect ds1, especially after him saying he was worried that his Daddy would not live with him anymore because he shouts at me.
I hope that this freedom training course will make me a bit stronger.
You are right Blu, he would have gone absolutly MAD if I discussed his behaviour with anyone.
He has his appt tomorrow now, because he had to go on a course with work today.
It is 9am I think.
It just made me so cross that he was going on about last weekend & making out that I was so terrible, when he knows how angry & upset it all made me.
I really don't know if the AM is going to work, because these kind of things he does not even see as wrong & you have to realise that you actually have a problem before you can address it don't you?
Whatever happens, the people who are going to try & help him sure will have their work cut out.

I hope your feling ok today stressedmummy,
Do you think he would just let you go or do you think he will hound you for years to come if you even dared to leave him?

Absolutely disgraceful behaviour by your h. Typical bully behaviour to try and humiliate you in front of others and try and blame you again. No excuse.

It's not the effect that the separation on ds1 you should be worried about, imo, it's the effect of staying and subjecting him to h's behaviour.

In the longer term, I think a lot less harm will be done to ds1 by leaving than by staying.

Wanted to add that this is just my opinion. I'm not trying to tell you what to do.

Some of the things he said were mainly heard by my BIL, because my sister had gone in the kitchen.
I walked away from H & joined my sister in the kitchen because he was winding me up so much.
I told my sister that I was really angry because H had been out of order in the way he had spoken to me last week & I had listened to what he had said, but turned for a split second to put my glass down, which did not deserve me being sworn at & hurled a load of abuse.
My sister agreed with me, but kept quite quiet because H was in the garden with my BIL & would probably been able to hear us.
I know you are right about the long term damage bit CQ.

I am not sure how he would be about letting us go spangles.
He has said that he would hate to think I was staying with him just for the kids etc, to which I replied that it would be because of the children I would leave.
He makes out he has looked at flats etc, but I think in the reality of the event he would be very different.
BTW he has never hit me, but has smashed things etc & can be VERY controlling.

I don't know dinosaur.
She probably did not want to make him cross, because she knows what he is like (to an extent)
I only have the 1 sister & I do talk to her quite a bit (far more than I do my Mum)
She is very supportive, but lives a good 45 mins drive from us.

She knows quite a lot & I have even told her about the talk I had with him, where I said I would leave for the sake of the children if he didn't sort himself out.
I have probably played some bits down a little to her, because I don't want her worrying too much.
She probably knows more than anyone else though & has witnessed his moods & sulks for herself.
Before we got married she didn't like him at all & did not trust him.
I think he was once (years ago) nasty to her too.

His gp apt is now on Thursday at 3.30pm, because he has to go on this course again tomorrow.

How convenient.

Hmmmmm, that's what I thought, but he swears it is all sorted & he is definitely going on Thursday, so for me not to worry.

Stressedmummy
No wonder you call yourself stressed mummy... Your situation is similar to the one I was in 10 years ago except you have kids and I didnt. ExH was never violent to me until the very end but he used to smash things up, storm out of pubs etc. In the end he hit me and I had always told him that if he ever hit me I would leave. When he realised that I was leaving and not just trying to teach him a lesson he became quite pathetic, crying... begging me not to end our marriage etc. He even took an overdose of paracetamol (emotional blackmail) Then sometimes he would tell me he was going to ask his solicitor to make me wait 6 mths before I could start divorce proceedings till I had "calmed down" in the hope that I would change my mind. None of it worked. I got stronger every day and people actually started to say to me "I never knew what you saw in him" and "Why did you put up with him so long"
The 8 years I spent with him seemed to drag on but the 9 years I have spent with my DH have flown by in comparison.
There IS light at the end of the tunnel and if you think there may be a possibility you will leave him you should start preparing now by trying to stash away any spare cash you can just in case you need it. I also got my est friend to look after anything precious just in case he lost his temper and smashed up or damaged anything of sentimental value to me. I am not saying you should leave him because I dont know your situation but there is life after divorce. Be brave

Thanks spangles.
H thinks because he hasn't hit me that he is not abusive & often compares himself to friends of his who also punch walls etc.
Both my HV & counsellor are suprised that he has not hit me, because men like him are often the kind that would.
I have explained to him that although he doesn't actually hit me, he still scares me because he is that kind of angry, if that makes any sense?
I have been with him (this time) 9.5 years & married for 6.5 years & it kind of gets to the point where you don't realise quite how abnormal things are, because you have lived like it for so long.
He always turns things around to being my fault & I pretty much always end up believing him.
It wasn't until I started explaining things on MN that I even realised his behaviour was abusive, I just thought of him as a man with a very nasty temper.
I am seeing a counsellor ATM (2nd visit on Thurs) & also have support from my HV, who wants me to start going on some freedom training course in September, which I hope will make me a little stronger.