stressedmummys counselling session.

[stressedmummy]

Thought I would start a new thread to update you on my counselling session today, as I have had my last thread deleted.
It was during my lunch hour & I managed to keep my cool throughout it all, which was probably because I had it in my mind that I had to walk straight back into class afterwards!
I told her as much as I could in that hour & she was suprised at how calm I seemed, as what I was telling her about H made her feel all tense.
I explained to her that when I do lose it & get all tearful, I remain like it for hours & hours.
She told me that I have been brave to confront him & to speak to the SENCO.
She also said that he sounds like the kind of man who would be capable of lashing out at me one day (which was similar to what my HV said)
& she thinks it would be a good idea for me to go on this freedom course.
I told her that the only thing that was holding me back is the real acceptance of abuse & she said that she could tell that although I am accepting he is abusive, I am still a little in denial of the severity of my situation.
Now I am back from work, I am trying to digest it all!

Thanks dinosaur.

Can i just let you into something that happened last week,i recieved 4 private calls on my mobile phone all from ex's new girl,then the next day i started recieving phone calls on the mobile from lots of different strange guys,turns out that ex and/or his new girl put a false profile of me on face party,a meet friends/dating type website,the profile also included my mobile number and email addy,i had it removed and my mobile number changed,i also contacted the police.Yesterday i received a call from a domestic liason officer who logged the phone calls and the internet carry on as a domestic abuse incident!!
What im trying to show here is that if they are classing that as domestic abuse what on earth would they class your situation as.Im trying to show that yes much as he is nice at times at other times he is far far form it,even though he doesnt hit out it still mounts to the same thing domestic abuse so please escape when you can hunni it is frightening to begin with but so worth it in th elong term to be free from all that upset and animosity.

Sweetie, you are not weak, please, pleased don't think that. I can see that all these incidents seem 'small' but unsettling by themselves, and that's what is so hard. You don't hear many people say 'oh i left because he smashed a decoration', or 'I left because he was making 'jokes' with his boss'. But bit by bit, you are gaining the bigger picture and seeing what it all adds up to whn you put it together.

But no, I don't think you were over-reacting at all.

So, so sorry you are having to struggle with all this. None of it is your fault, and it is not your fault that you are in this situation.

I just feel for you that you have no-one to really unload to in RL - although TessieB is clearly a good friend and knows what is going on.

You are having to hold it all together for the boys under such pressure.

What a bas*ard your ex is loobie!
I see what you are saying about the abuse thing though & am starting to realise that H is abusive now, although it took MN to make me realise it!
tessiebear is a good friend Blu & she obviously knows a lot, but is rather tied up ATM!
I did tell another friend a little bit last night, including what happened the other w/e & she thought he was wrong to react like he did about me turning away for a second to put the glass down too.
I had a few drinks down me before I told her though!
I try not to talk to many friends about everything, for fear of anything getting back to him (look how angry he was that I mentioned AM to one friend?!)
It does help to off load to my counsellor, HV & of course you lot though!
He told me that he wants the AM to stop him doing things like throwing things in the sink (with temper) & smashing/hitting things, but admits that he will still get cross if the house is not tidy.

Loobie - that's a really really horrible thing for someone to do - I agree with SM - complete Bstrd.

SM - I know what you mean about bnot wanting to tell all and sundry - I think theres' a way in which talking about things anc complaining al the time almost becomes a sort of displacement activity for doing something about it. You counsellor will be excellent suport, anyway - and constructive.

He just doesn't get it, does he? He thinks he's going to bully you more politely after AM! He has to learn to stop getting worked up about a normal amount of mess. Houses which are HOMES to children shouldn't look like houses where no child lives, IMO - and it is unrealistic for him to expect it. You and the children have a right - an absolute right - to feel relaxed and 'at home' in your home.

Tell you what, send him round to our house - he'll have sucha fit at the chaos that he'll be rendered speechless and never be able to shout again!

If that isn't enough to keep him quite he can come round here, He'd pass out in shock. But I think he'd feel the same in most family homes.

He is neurotic about mess & I panic if he arrives home before I have had a chance to tidy up.
He is forever going on about the state of the place & likes the house to look very show homey.
When my HV virst visited me after ds2 was born, I remember her commenting that it didn't look like a house that a 3 year old lived in, because there wern't many toys around. (all ds's toys must fit into 2 expensive wicker chests that he bought from Next)
He is like it about his car too.
The children must NEVER eat anything, or have anything messy in his car.
He has a good car & buys expensive furniture for the house which he thinks looks good.
It seems that everything H owns has to look the part.
I have my counselling again tomorrow lunch time.

Good luck for tomorrow!

Do you like the way he does the house?

Thank you CQ
The way he does the house is very stylish, but not always the most practical for living with children IYKWIM?
At the moment we have a cream carpet, which has been a nightmare to keep clean.
At one point ds1 was not allowed to have any blackcurrant drinks, because it was likely to stain the carpet.
It has got to the point where I just let him get on with choosing the furniture, because he knows what he likes & I have kind of lost all interest.
Like I said before, I see it as his house really.

He has his doctors appt this afternoon.

I hope he goes this time. Do you have any idea what he is going to say?

No not really. I know he is dreading having to go in & tell the gp the reason he is there.
He is again paranoid that they will assume he must be hitting me.

Stressedmummy, I have only just caught up with this thread but I was shocked by how like my ex-H your H sounds. My ex-H was very controlling, obsessive about tidiness and mess and was horrible to me.
He would make comments about what I was wearing, would make me turn away from him if I hadn't brushed my teeth, would say unkind things about my friends and family. He could be fun and charming but seemed to have decided that I was no longer worth his effort. We were together for 12 years and married for 6.
I realised that the erosion of my confidence had taken years and that it had been a slow & gradual process. I felt like this emotional punch bag and would be frightened of him when he was angry, even though he never actually hit me. My poor little ds used to get very upset about how ex-H spoke to me and it really affected his behaviour. Fortunately, dd was too young to be aware of it.
I wasn't able to work it out with my ex-H as he ended up having an affair with someone at work. However, that doesn't mean that you can't sort something out with your H. I think it is good that he is going to see his GP and I am really pleased that you are getting counselling.
Big, big hugs to you.

Sorry to hear about your horrible relationship bugsy2.
Your H sounds a lot like mine, with the obsessive tidiness & frightening, controlling behaviour.
I am getting really stressed today (first day of the summer holidays) because H wants me to get the house tidy, while he is in bed after nights, but everywhere the kids go this morning they seem to be making more mess or causing extra chaos & it is making me ratty with them, which is not fair on them.
Did you get to the stage where, when he was being nasty, you almost hated the very sight of his face?

Poor you SM. I know exactly how you feel. I would get that tight feeling in my chest because I knew the house would never be quite good enough.
In the last 2 years of our marriage my ex-H was away Mon-Fri and I would dread the weekends because I found the combination of him and the children almost more stressful than I could bear. It got to the point where my body went into "crisis" and everytime I relaxed I would have these awful blackouts - because my blood pressure would drop so far without all the stress hormones pumping around.
I honestly don't know what the answer is, but I do know that it is not fair or reasonable for your dh to have such unrealistic expectations for a house with small children.

HI there stressedmummy

Your thread has been an eye opener and an inspiration, thank you.....I will keep reading with interest t see how H's apt goes.

I have been going through a sticky patch with my DH recently so have been looking for threads of a similar nature to see if I can reap any advice.

My DH has temper issues, very short fuse, which he knows too. He's been like it since he was a teenager, I talk to his mum about it and she says he is chilled now compared to how he used to be, so I must be a good influence on him! I do worry on a daily basis what mood he'll be in when I get home, but recently he's been a real gem, so I've started to relax a bit. However I've been in situations before where I've chilled out because he's been lovely, then boom he's caught me unawares with an outburst.

I don't think my situation is anywhere near as severe as yours, but I have an apt next week to discuss possible PND, which may lead to discussions about DH too, I'll just let the conversation take a natural course.

I hope you don't mind but I will keep reading, as it's opening my eyes to what I am going through at home...

SM, I do hope your session goes well today.

i am worried about how you are going to get through the summerhols - you can't spend 6 weeks under tis kind of pressure, cream carpet, need for constant tidiness etc.

I wonder if you can make an arangement with him: that you are responsible for looking after the kids during the day, while he is working / sleeping etc, but that you must be ablr to do it on your terms. You will get the house back to rights after they have gone to bed, but that badgering them all day will do your head in, put you in conflict with the kids, and could well put back DS1's progress!!! So that, yes, the house will be tidied up at the end of the day, but it is your business how tidy or 'homely' you have it during the day. Tell him it is essentailly your place of work during the hols, so it is your responsibility to manage it.

Fancy anyone planning a house with two small kids with a cream carpet! His priorities are way, way off. From where I am, it almost seems as if he istrying to design the children out of his life - or at least pretend they don't exist. It's really quite cruel.

tbh, if it was me, I'd find it less stressful to tell him to take his cream carpet and move out, rather than try to look after two kids for 6 weeks and not make a speck of mess.

You've probably left for your appt by now - but another thing to add to the list of things to talk with her about.

I wonder how your H will get on at the doctors????

I'm back!
Found it tougher this week TBH.

Did you find it beneficial though?

Update us when you have a chance. I can't chat now as I have a v urgent deadline, but I'll check back later.

Hope you are OK.

Hi meeely2.
Sorry to hear that you also have problems with your H.
My H can be just like yours, in that he has a really nice side to him too.
When he is being this nice H, I almost feel like I have imagined all the bad things that happen when he is being nasty.
Yes my counselling was beneficial & really made me think about things.
I will post more about it when H goes out in a minute.

He has just left!
I wished him luck & he said that he is going to look like a wife beater.
I will update you on his session as soon as I can.
Anyway, now for my counselling!
She started by asking how my week had been & I explained that it was calmer than the other weekend, but told her about H spouting out about me being like my Mum & how rude I was etc, in front of my sister. My counsellor went on to ask weather I thought that my sister would have been thinking how rude I was, or if maybe she would have thought he was being out of order & wondering what on earth I was still doing with him!
I also told her about ds1's comment about Daddy shouting about the report etc & she said that ds probably felt in some way responsible for H getting angry that afternoon.
She made the comment about H being my little boys role model & that this was the example he was seeing of a relationship, which hit me quite hard. (although I have more than likely been told similar on MN)
She questioned what would happen if I refused to do as I was told & I answered that I have never pushed him too far when he is angry, because I am scared.
She reccomended that I read a book called women who love too much, which is about women who keep believing things will get better.
She then asked a bit about my childhood & relationship with my parents, which I found very hard.
She could tell that I have VERY low self esteem & find it hard to hear positive things about myself, which is both due to my upbringing & relationship with H.
By the end of the session I was finding it hard to talk & she let me go.
I had to walk into woolworths (of all places!!!) to try & snap myself out of my depressed state before returning home!

how did you get into these sessions? was it through your GP? I think I would find it beneficial to talk as openly as I can to someone who doesn't know me.

I do find it helpful talking to my best friend who is also have DH issues, can relate to each other and understand where the other is coming from when you moan about your DH then stay with them anyway. It's nice having a non-judgemental friend, will listen but won't suddenly stop being your friend because you've decided to stay with him - they will be there for you no matter what.

I guess you have a lot to think about this afternoon, so will let you alone....let us know if you need anything lese and let us know how H got on

You are ok, I am still around!
My HV arranged the counselling for me & it is done at my surgery.
Do you have contact with your HV?
Mine has been worth her weight in gold recently!