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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it out of order for man to try it on with you when....

381 replies

littlestmummystop · 13/02/2010 15:41

you've explicitly asked him not to.

This has happened to me twice now. I've been on several dates with a guy, he asks or hints to come back to my place saying: 'I'll sleep on the sofa'

When I have let him back I make it clear 'No Sex' but after a kiss and cuddle all of a sudden his exposed knob appears.... and he asks: 'Please please touch it...'

This has happened to my twice now, two different men.

Both times I have refused and gone to bed thinking they've spoilt it. I like to get to know someone really well before I sleep with them and know we're in a relationship etc. I don't want quick hand jobs on my sofa and make that clear before they come back. So why do they do it?

Isn't it disrespectful to still try it on when you've been asked not to?

OP posts:
Disenchanted3 · 13/02/2010 15:45

Sorry but you should not allow them back to your home to sleep on the sofa. You should make it clear you are not ready for sex and say you would feel more comftable if they went home after the date.

ven though you are being completely clear verbally some men will take you allowing them back to your home as a glimmer of hope regardless of what you are saying. Sad but true.

foxinsocks · 13/02/2010 15:46

I was about to say that's what happens when you date 14 year olds but I see you are actually a regular poster

god, how vile (they are)

yes, I agree. Don't even let him back if he's starting to make hints. I'd say that was a sign to run a mile if you are looking for someone interested in more than a shag.

foxinsocks · 13/02/2010 15:47

'plesae touch it' makes me think of an old man in a raincoat flashing!

Disenchanted3 · 13/02/2010 15:49

Urgg I know, sounds creepy!

Do you feel comftable knowing someone who has just got their bits out at you are in your living room whilst you sleep?

I wouldn't!

BrahmsThirdRacket · 13/02/2010 15:50

Men have to tread the line between working out when women are just being coy (i.e. I do want to have sex with you but don't want you to think I'm easy) and when they genuinely don't want it. Some men are better at judging this than others. Unfortunately, if you allow them back to your flat, that may be an indication that you do want them really, and saying 'but not for sex' is a way of not being too blatant... I'm not saying it's your fault, though.

dittany · 13/02/2010 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spookycharlotte121 · 13/02/2010 15:52

i think i would havethrown him out there and then. no way would he be sleeping on my sofa

Original poster
littlestmummystop · 13/02/2010 15:52

It IS horrible isn't it? And it's happened to me twice now!

First date--- he wanted to come back 'to use my bathroom' - he was someone I'd been on many dates with.

Second date---- it was date 3 and he wasn't sure if he would make last train home so I made it totally clear YESBUTNOSEX and he kept saying: Of course, it's fine, etc etc.

I made up the bed as soon as we got back and we had a chat, cup of tea, bit of a snog and then... whoops.... something else appears!

Both times it ended up awkwardly and me leaping off, going to bed thinking

Both times as well they have almost begged me to 'touch' them. This one said: 'Before you go to bed could you just give my dick a quick goodnight rubbing?'

OP posts:
dittany · 13/02/2010 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 13/02/2010 15:54

i'd have given it a quick goodnight kick!!

dittany · 13/02/2010 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kiwinyc · 13/02/2010 16:00

Its simple - if you don't want sex, don't let them into your house. Its not your problem if they're going to miss their last train home etc.

If you do let them in to use the bathroom, call a car service whatever, don't sit down, don't offer anything, don't even take your coat off, keep standing with the expectation that they are leaving in a few minutes.

Anything more than that and it is a non-verbal agreement for them to try it on. Emphasis on try...

dittany · 13/02/2010 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
littlestmummystop · 13/02/2010 16:19

Both guys I'd met a few times as well and didn't pick up on their 'chancer' nature.

In fact both seemed like perfect gents until something accidentally popped out.

OP posts:
dittany · 13/02/2010 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 13/02/2010 16:23

It can 't accidently pop out with stimulation and an open fly..

Original poster
littlestmummystop · 13/02/2010 16:24

The first one I threw out yes.. he could get home easily enough. Actually whole thing ended there and then. He'd literally begged me to give him a hand job and then got angry when I wouldn't... he rang next morning to apologise, but all too late.

The second one doesn't live in my city. So I said goodnight v firmly and went to bed. Couldn't sleep properly though.

Then woke up and was v polite and left on good terms, but no physical contact and definitely won't be seeing him again either.

Just feel so about whole thing now.

OP posts:
dittany · 13/02/2010 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 13/02/2010 16:38

without..

Just avoid taking men back to your home for a while.

Jux · 13/02/2010 16:39

It used to happen to me quite a lot - desperate need for the loo usually. If they weren't going to go quietly I would put Das Liede Von Der Erde on the record player very loudly and force him to sit quite still and silent listening to it. If excuses to leave immediately it finished didn't occur, and "shouldn't you be off now?" from me didn't work then I would put it on again, and again, and again.....

Cruel and unusual punishment

Kiwinyc · 13/02/2010 16:40

My point was that letting a man into your house gives them an opportunity. So don't give them one. Doesn't matter if they're telling the truth or lying, you can still stay in charge of the situation.

OP: There is nothing wrong with saying no to someone. But the kind of guy that asks/hints that they want to go back to your place has only one thing on his mind and thats not to sleep on your sofa so letting them in your house just gives them permission to try it on.

dittany · 13/02/2010 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kiwinyc · 13/02/2010 16:42

sorry worded that badly - makes them think they have permission to try it on. Of course they don't!

You might also want to think about the calibre of men you're dating too...

mathanxiety · 13/02/2010 16:44

Well, you said no but then you let them come home with you to your place. You actually said two contradictory things, to a man, and they got the idea it might be worth a try. Not your fault that they heard 'ok come back to my place' and not the rest of it, the 'no sex' part; they figured it would be worth a try.

You are lucky it didn't turn out very badly with the one who got angry, though. There is a personal safety issue here, and I think you are too trusting. You should assume a man wants to get you in the sack or thinks there will be something in it for him after a night out.

The way to stop this is to not let them come home with you. If they're interested in you, they'll stay in touch and want to see you again and get to know you. If not, you won't get a call. Don't try to get them to like you by being nice and kind and obliging when the last bus has gone or their car has broken down or whatever. That's not the way your gestures are being interpreted.

TheUsefulSuspect · 13/02/2010 16:48
Grin