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Original poster

MIL wants us to sleep in separate beds in her house

358 replies

aurynne · 20/09/2009 11:17

Hi there, here goes another MIL thread ;)

My partner's mom is actually a lovely person and she and I get along very well. But there always had to be a "but", doesn't it? When we go to stay with them in their house, my partner and I have to sleep in separate beds! My partner and I are in out thirties and have been together just for 7 months, but for goodness sake, we sleep together every day!

I know that in your house, you set your own rules, however absurd they are. So, last weekend we stayed there I suggested my partner that we could sleep in a hotel instead, and go see his parents in the morning. He replied that "his parents would be very hurt if we did that" (!!!).

So, apparently the rule is not only that when we sleep at their house we do it in separate beds, but actually that we MUST sleep in their house! Is this common behaviour in MILs?

It doesn't bother me that much when it is only a weekend, but we are planning to spend Christmas there and I definitely don't want to sleep in separate beds from my partner for two weeks. And I am not 16, ffs!!!

Any of you has this same problem? Has anybody fund a magic solution that will not offend anyone? Is my MIL's behaviour reasonable?

Thanks in advance for your replies!

Aurynne

OP posts:
llareggub · 20/09/2009 11:20

Are you married? Sounds like she disapproves of sex before marriage and is making a point. Some people are like that.

JemAtTheParrotsTable · 20/09/2009 11:23

My mam was like that before DP and I got married- even when I was pregnant, before marriage we couldn't sleep together.

I agree- some people are like that, its not really THAT big a thing is it? Just respect her rules I guess...

Original poster
aurynne · 20/09/2009 11:25

Hi llareggub, no, we are not married and we couldn't even if we wanted, because he is separated and won't get the divorce for another year. Anyway, I would have thought his mum would have learned by now that a signed paper does not mean that much (after all, he is divorced for a reason!).

Aurynne

OP posts:
Original poster
aurynne · 20/09/2009 11:26

JemAtTheParrotsTable it is indeed a big thing, because we both travel a lot due to work and the 2 weeks in Christmas are the longest we are going to spend together for a while...

OP posts:
Harimosmummy · 20/09/2009 11:27

But he isn't divorced, is he? He's separated!!!

Sagacious · 20/09/2009 11:27

I didn't share a bed in MILs house until after we were married (and we were together 10 years (living together for a year) before that happened.

It might be old fashioned but meh its not like we were there ever night.

I quite liked having my own duvet TBH.

Sagacious · 20/09/2009 11:29

Personally a two week stay with the inlaws is the last thing I'd do (Christmas or no Christmas) Can't you just go for a weekend?

Original poster
aurynne · 20/09/2009 11:30

Harimosmummy --> yep, that is what I meant... not that it makes much difference to me though. It's just a legal term, same as "married". I am a person who believes in facts more than papers

Sagacious, that is probably because you've been many years together already... I actually relish any night we can spend together

OP posts:
waitingforbedtime · 20/09/2009 11:31

I think this is fairly common. My parents and in laws both did this.

Sagacious · 20/09/2009 11:37

OP I still don't understand the two week stay?

Even if you sort the seperate beds rule surely having to be (fairly) quite so as not to wake the MIL (she will hear!) will dampen our ardour somewhat?

Sagacious · 20/09/2009 11:38

quiet

JemAtTheParrotsTable · 20/09/2009 11:39

I didn't realise you were staying for 2 weeksOP!!
Isn't that a bit long? Surely 3 day max?

Harimosmummy · 20/09/2009 11:40

But, that's what I meant - just because it doesn't mean much to you (and I'm not saying I don't agree with you, just putting a POV across) doesn't mean that it means nothing to his parents.

This isn't so much sex before marriage as infidelity (even if they are separated, they are still legally married.

Original poster
aurynne · 20/09/2009 11:42

Sagacious, it is not as important to me to have a night of passion as to fall asleep in his arms... jeez, this sounds very cheesy, I know, but it's the pure truth. And anyway, we can be very silent when needed :P

I am already trying to "reduce" the 2-week stay, but my partner does not get to see his folks very often, and his sister and nephews live there too. He is a very family oriented man and I actually like that, and as I mentioned in my original post, his family is indeed lovely. There is just that little problem, and I was curious to know if it's that common. Which it seems to be, considering the replies I've had so far .

Hugs,

Aurynne

OP posts:
Original poster
aurynne · 20/09/2009 11:44

Harimosmummy is it infidelity for a separated person to have a new partner? That sounds wrong to me. What do you suggest then, to not have sex for 2 years until legally divorced?. The reason for my partner's separation was that SHE cheated on him with more than one guy. it would be funny now to consider HE is the cheater! :P

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 20/09/2009 11:47

I would hate this too.

Buda · 20/09/2009 11:48

Could it just be down to practicalities? Do they actually have a spare double bed?

DH and I are married and sleep in separate beds at my parents house because that is what is in the spare bedroom. At his stepmother's house we sleep in separate rooms! That is because DS likes to sleep with me rather than in a room he is not used to on his own.

Original poster
aurynne · 20/09/2009 11:50

Buda, no, there are enough beds in that house... she left it clear that we were to sleep in separate beds AND rooms from the very first day. And the rooms are bloody cold too! ;)

OP posts:
ladyhelen2 · 20/09/2009 11:50

MY PIL did this too until we got married. It was a religion thing. I didn't mind for the first couple of years but when we bought a house together I began to get a bit about it. I get the their house their rules thing but after 3 years or more together, I thought they should have respected our relationship really.

So, I got my "revenge". After we did get married, and visited them, DH and I had sex in the very wobbly and very creaky sofa bed we were put on. I know they heard. A cheap shot I know and I would never have dreamed of doing it under their roof had we not had the separate rooms thing for the previous 9 years, so it was my way of getting my revenge. Mwwwwa hhhhhaaaaa hhhaaaaaa.

Could your DH have a quiet word with them? What is your MIL's objection? Is it the god thing/he's not divorced yet thing?

SolidGoldBrass · 20/09/2009 11:51

Aurynne: ignore sugestions that you are some kind of hussy sleeping with a married man - 'separated' means 'no obligation at all to remain monogamous with former partner'.
I think yo u are just going to have to suck this up. I can see why it's annoying but, as others have said, your MIL is entitled to make the rules in her own house.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/09/2009 11:54

DH and I slept in seperate beds at my parents house until we were engaged. It was clear that my parents were more comfortable with and I respected their wishes.

It may be sex before marriage that your MIL is worried about, or it may be the fact that he is still legally married, so technically you are committing adulterey.

IMO, if you like his family and get on with his mother in all other respects then this is not worth rocking the boat over. It is their house after all, and as a guest you should respect their wishes.

Sagacious · 20/09/2009 11:54

No need for hugs OP

This is MN

IWantAChickAndADuck · 20/09/2009 11:54

We are not allowed to stay at MIL's house because we're not married. She is a Johavah Witness and respect her beliefs.

Original poster
aurynne · 20/09/2009 11:57

ladyhelen2 --> ROFL you have really made me laugh with the story of your "revenge"! It is a good idea for my partner to talk to her in private (it is just his mom who has this problem with us sleeping together, his dad does not care where we sleep). Actually now that you mention it, my partner's sister and I get along very well and she is on my side on this. And she will probably, as a woman, find it easier to bring this subject up... Thanks for the idea!

Aurynne

PS Still sniggering thinking about the creaky sofa... hehehehehe

OP posts:
fluffles · 20/09/2009 12:00

i sympathise OP, i wouldn't have two weeks over christmas in seperate rooms. the bedroom is not just for sex (and i don't think i would have sex in PIL house) but it's for bonding and talking at the end of the day and cuddling. and when you're in someone else's house it's likely to be the only time you have together all day for a quiet cuddle.

for us christmas holidays are special as we get to spend more time together than the rest of the year. personally i'd be staying in a b&b for the majority of the two weeks and maybe only at theirs overnight christmas eve? or i'd be pushing DP on the bedroom thing.