MIL wants us to sleep in separate beds in her house

[aurynne]

Hi there, here goes another MIL thread ;)

My partner's mom is actually a lovely person and she and I get along very well. But there always had to be a "but", doesn't it? When we go to stay with them in their house, my partner and I have to sleep in separate beds! My partner and I are in out thirties and have been together just for 7 months, but for goodness sake, we sleep together every day!

I know that in your house, you set your own rules, however absurd they are. So, last weekend we stayed there I suggested my partner that we could sleep in a hotel instead, and go see his parents in the morning. He replied that "his parents would be very hurt if we did that" (!!!).

So, apparently the rule is not only that when we sleep at their house we do it in separate beds, but actually that we MUST sleep in their house! Is this common behaviour in MILs?

It doesn't bother me that much when it is only a weekend, but we are planning to spend Christmas there and I definitely don't want to sleep in separate beds from my partner for two weeks. And I am not 16, ffs!!!

Any of you has this same problem? Has anybody fund a magic solution that will not offend anyone? Is my MIL's behaviour reasonable?

Thanks in advance for your replies!

Aurynne

OP- See the coloured box above your posts and above everyone else's?

They have your posting name in them. You don;t have to sign your name at the bottom of your posts.

And there's no need to hug us all either, as someone already said, this is MN, we don;t do that here

Oh god I have just read the whole thread.

You sound like an increadibly self-absorbed loon tbh.

This is surely a wind-up? A sort of elegant spoof of all the mil threads, yes?

Oh dear, maybe I should have posted the e-mail instead of just saying I had e-mailed her. I have by no means told her "I don't like her arrangement and we want to sleep together whatever you said"... and the "survey" was in a humorous way... I thought at least that would be obvious!

I did indeed e-mail her mentioning the issue and that we would probably stay at her house for 2 or 3 days (with her rules) and for the rest we were thinking about staying in a hostel, and asking her if that would be ok with her.

The reason I wrote to her is because I believe it is disrespectful in a way for my partner and I to be discussing so much about this, and making an issue of it, without her having the slightest idea at all. I am a honest person, and I wouldn't like to stay in a hotel in the end, and my partner's mum being hurt because she thinks it is because I don't like her, or there are other issues. I may be wrong, and you all may very well be right and what I've done is nuts... but what I have always done in any issue is being honest with the person involved... and in the end believed this is always for the best.

Anyway, you probably have much more experience than me in these matters and I may have put my foot in my mouth with this... we'll see when she replies.

Has (not) MIL replied yet??

sorry, x posted with you.

Did you discuss it with your partner before you sent it? If you didn't then that is one of your main errors.

Oh.

That's really quite disappointingly sane after the e-mail I had imagined ... .

Still, as a rule of thumb, I get that you are a friendly person, who likes to make an emotional connection, and you're probably really good at that sort of thing too, and I'm sure it'll work out fine ... but ... it might still be an idea to leave your dp to sort this sort of stuff out ... .

If I were her, well... you wouldn't get a reply.

Unless your DP was absolutely in agreement with you, I reckon you can kiss this relationship goodbye...

ANd if he WAS in agreement with you...... well, he'd have sent the e-mail... not you.

So, you can see where I think you stand on this matter.

I think, to get a better picture you really need to answer:

1. How long were they married
2. How long were they separated
3. How many kids (and what ages)
4. When did you come on the scene (and when might his parents have known about you)
5. How did his mum get on with her DIL

As I said, I've been in a very similar position, but I cannot fathom the reasons you actually wrote to her.

Personally, I think you are mental to have even considered writing to her.

If youR DP won't speak to her / deal with her, what on earth were you expecting? An earth-shattering moment?

Have you ever dealt with a MIL before? I know you have said you are in your 30s but it makes me wonder?

Alibabaandthe40nappies no, I haven't, and you are very right on this. I sent the e-mail before going to bed, and I should have saved it unsent and discussed it with my partner. The problem is, he is on a work trip at the moment, not here with me. I have written an e-mail to my partner this morning (I am in New Zealand, s now it's morning here) telling him about what I've done so he hears about it from me first.

Will keep you updated.

Goodness me, after reading all your responses I am not sure it is me who is making a big issue of this... is it really that important as to be considering "my relationship is finished"? I just mentioned a small thing and asked her for her opinion... why does everybody seem to think I did not have the right to at least bring it up? My partner's mom is not a monster, she is a reasonable person... whatever her answer is, I very much doubt she will explode in flames and condemn me to Hell.

Seriously, I think you are mad.

I'd go mental if this happened to me, and I know my mother isn't the easiest to deal with!!!

I guess you can hope she doesn't read e-mails!!!

'Will keep you updated. '

Meh.

You sound like you're about 20, not in your 30s.

I mean, calling this guy your partner when you've only been going out 7 months, the whole 'fall asleep in his arms' biz (puhleeze) like it's going to kill you not to for a couple of weeks when it's obviously not seeing as he travels for work, the 'MIL' who isn't even, marriage as a 'piece of paper' (a really big one in his case, seeing as he's still married!), getting all bent out of shape about her rules rather than seeing it from her point of view the way anyone with a modicum of maturity would, etc.

Please grow up before this chap tires of having even more drama in his life and bails.

OP - IMHO... Yes, it is a big issue.

I would be furious if any partner of mine did something like this to my mother. ANd I know my mum can be pretty high maintainence!!!!

You have no right to bring it up because (without your DP's express desire) you are actually NOT part of the family. Deal with it. he is still married. So, his wife is still part of their family. And they have rights too..

Honestly, you sound totally up-your-own....

I've been in this situation and you simply cannot assume because you've whispered a few sweet nothings to each other that it equals a marriage.

And I'm 11 years on you, a marriage and two kids. And I'm still dealing with his ex.

You really have no idea.

I wouldn't be furious, Haribo.

Oh, no. I'd probably laugh and the term 'rebound relationship' would spring to mind.

Yep, I've been divorced before myself.

Sorry, Hari .

Aurynne- people have taken a lot of time and trouble to reply to you- and judging from your latest posts, you have not read- and certainly not taken-in- much of it.

I'd say 99.9% of replies here are telling you that you are selfish, self-absorbed, immature and out of order.

Have you responded to that? No.
Have it gone into your head? No, appears not to have.

What else cananyone say? This thread has stayed at the top of the forum for a day and a bit- and everyone is trying to get the same message into your dim skull- can't you read?

Have you no humility? Can you not stop this stupid "I'll keep you updated" lark?

What we want to hear is "I have been a complete twat. Sorry".

Oh, yeah, and does this chap have kids (I'm going to assume you don't because I don't want to entertain the idea that you have, tbh)? Because if so the ex is going to part of the equation.

For good.

And his kids, they're going to come above you. The way they should.

Any person for whom they don't. They're not worth having.

PMSL, peony!

If my partner broached the issue of my sex life with my parents I'd be hurt, furious and embarassed. This isn't going to end well!

Expat - Exactly!!! Kids = Ex is going to be part of your life. Deal with it. Deal with her. You are going to have to make it work... As I said, 11 years on, and I still have the ex to consider. She is (and always will be) part of the family because of the kids!!

And, thanks I was Haribo, but have DD now too (check out my photos!!)!!! She is 7 weeks old now. I am SUPER chuffed!!!!

Hm x

If a floozy I'd been dating for 7 months emailed my mother to question her house rules I would ditch her sharpish.

If he/she went on about it so much I'd ditch sharpish, OMDB. My 'drama queen' alert would be going off and tbh, when I got to my 30s, I was finding that too much like work.

Congrats, Hari!

I am amazed by the number of 'her house, her rules' replies on this thread. Why should a mother be able to control the actions and decisions of her adult son? Regardless of whether the issue is sex or past marriage or anything else, as long as he's not harming her home in any way I believe it's the responsibility of every parent to know when to let go and let our children be the people they want to be.

That said, I am that you're staying for two weeks, Aurynne. (And also think it's very sweet the way you sign your name on the bottom of every post!)

IMO, the problem here is that you skip your boyfriend who should be the one dealing with the situation, to deal with the situation yourself with a woman who I guess is old fashioned enough as to welcome that behaviour.

I would have asked opinion on this to my MIL after years and years of marriage, otherwise I would just be trying to help the guy find a way to tell his mum that you both would preffer to stay in another place without even daring to mention the separate bed issue.

Now, if he prefers to impose you and his family on to each other not willing to negotiate between the needs of each other... well, better for it to be finished now than later...

Wonder if putting his mum before his wife had a weight on his marriage breakdown... but only wondering as I have been there.