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Original poster

MIL wants us to sleep in separate beds in her house

358 replies

aurynne · 20/09/2009 11:17

Hi there, here goes another MIL thread ;)

My partner's mom is actually a lovely person and she and I get along very well. But there always had to be a "but", doesn't it? When we go to stay with them in their house, my partner and I have to sleep in separate beds! My partner and I are in out thirties and have been together just for 7 months, but for goodness sake, we sleep together every day!

I know that in your house, you set your own rules, however absurd they are. So, last weekend we stayed there I suggested my partner that we could sleep in a hotel instead, and go see his parents in the morning. He replied that "his parents would be very hurt if we did that" (!!!).

So, apparently the rule is not only that when we sleep at their house we do it in separate beds, but actually that we MUST sleep in their house! Is this common behaviour in MILs?

It doesn't bother me that much when it is only a weekend, but we are planning to spend Christmas there and I definitely don't want to sleep in separate beds from my partner for two weeks. And I am not 16, ffs!!!

Any of you has this same problem? Has anybody fund a magic solution that will not offend anyone? Is my MIL's behaviour reasonable?

Thanks in advance for your replies!

Aurynne

OP posts:
Wonderstuff · 20/09/2009 16:57

My mil wouldn't visit us before we were married, didn't want to condone us living in sin!

purplepeony · 20/09/2009 16:57

We don't have any other house guests as couples staying as we only have 1 spare single room. But if we did, I wouldn't mind what they did.

I think it depends on the nature of the relationship- if my DCs were in a commited relationship then I would be fine with that- but if it was/is a passing boyfriend/girlfriend with no commitment, then no- sorry but that's just me. The house is too small and the walls too thin!

HollyGoHeavily · 20/09/2009 16:59

Purple - and if your children decide that you and your DH cannot share a room when you stay at their place because the thought of their parents having sex under their nose is wrong to them. That's ok is it? Their house, their rules after all...

CarmenSanDiego · 20/09/2009 16:59

Yeah, that sounds fair enough. But the op is in her 30s and been with her partner 7 months.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/09/2009 17:00

Carmen - it is quite another thing, but the OP and her DP have only been together for 7 months.

OP - do you and your DP live together the rest of the time or do you live seperately?
Of course it is lovely to have that time together at the end of the day, but it is only 2 weeks. If you are looking at making a relationship with this man, and therefore his family, for the rest of your life then 2 weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

notevenamousie · 20/09/2009 17:03

My ex's paretns were the same, it was fine, was there house. NO WAY would I go for two weeks esp if you don't get much time off.

lisad123wantsherquoteinDM · 20/09/2009 17:11

my parents had this rule, they didnt agree with sex before marriage so therefore it wasnt happening in their house. The day before we went to the airport, to get married we still had to have seperate beds.

Not a lot you can do tbh

CarmenSanDiego · 20/09/2009 17:11

Personally, 7 months strikes me as a reasonable length of time, and I've been married 10 years.

But...This moralising over long term relationships is very odd.

Surely you either arguing that sex before marriage is wrong or you're ok with it? Is it really for a parent to be putting a judgement on how important and committed their adult son or daughter's relationship is and whether they should or should not be sleeping together?

purplepeony · 20/09/2009 17:12

Holly are you just trying to be awkward here?
It's not quite the same thing for all kinds of reasons.

notevenamousie · 20/09/2009 17:14

their I will never be allowed back in Pedants' Corner again!

purplepeony · 20/09/2009 17:14

Surely you either arguing that sex before marriage is wrong or you're ok with it? Is it really for a parent to be putting a judgement on how important and committed their adult son or daughter's relationship is and whether they should or should not be sleeping together?

Yes, if they happen to invade their homes to carry it on.

CarmenSanDiego · 20/09/2009 17:15

'invade' their homes?

Wow.

The OP said they'd be offended if they didn't 'invade' their home.

Harimosmummy · 20/09/2009 17:18

I'd also just like to add...

You guys may have been together for 7 months, but it's almost definite that his parents haven't know about you for as long as that.

Primarily, because few men worth their salt tell their mothers about a new relationship immediately but also, because of his separation (and I'm guessing that they can't have been separated that long when you guys met if he can't get divorced for another year? Assuming he's waiting for the 2 year non-cohabitation??), this might actually appear like quite a new relationship to his parents.

Obviously that is just a possible - I don't know what your situation is!!

Rindercella · 20/09/2009 17:18

aurynne, I really hope I don't upset you with my post - I don't intend to, I just want to put another pov across.

You have been with your boyfriend for just 7 months, it is very early days. You say you don't see his parents very often, so I am guessing your relationship must have seemed very new to his mother when you were first a guest in her house?

I hate to say it, but she is not your MIL; she is your boyfriend's mother. She will become your MIL when the two of you get married. Sorry to press this point, but it is one of my bugbears. DH and I were together for 8 years (living together for 7 of those) before we got married. DSS only became my step son on the day DH and I got married (and I did not refer to his mother as my MIL until that day either).

I personally would not spend 2 weeks in anyone's house. Is the reason you're going there for the full fortnight more of a logistical thing, i.e. it's going to be the only way you're going to get to spend any time with your bf over Christmas? Does she live very far away from you? Could you just stay for the two weekends rather than the whole time?

I'm afraid that annoying and unreasonable as it may seem to you, I kind of see where the mother is coming from. Her son is in a relatively new relationship following the breakup of his marriage. She may just want you both to be taking things at a steady pace and respect her wishes.

thedollshouse · 20/09/2009 17:20

I think you are mad to consider spending 2 weeks with them over christmas.

2 weeks with the inlaws is difficult enough for anybody but you don't know them that well and they are treating you like children, recipe for disaster in my opinion. I think you should stay for 3 days max.

purplepeony · 20/09/2009 17:22

Carmen- I used the word with my tongue in cheek-

Morloth · 20/09/2009 17:23

There are lots of things I don't allow in my house, people can like it or lump it. It is my house.

purplepeony · 20/09/2009 17:25

Rindercella- snap- I did point out all of that too- especially the "she is not your MIL- in fact, I have friends who are divorced- often not amicably- and they still see their MILs as friends, and call them that. I doubt they would be pleased if their ex's GF started using that term.

OP_ sorry but you are a long way from his Mum being your MIL!! And 7 months is not a long time at all...it's weeks, in fact.

Podrick · 20/09/2009 17:28

Tell them you are only going to stay with them for 3 days due to the separate beds rule

AMumInScotland · 20/09/2009 17:39

OP - you may feel that 7 months is a long time, and that separated/divorced is just a bit of paper. But if she feels differently, then you have to respect her views.

I think the best way to deal with it, is to simply do as you are asked and sleep in the other room. But that does not stop you from sitting in the same room before going off to bed, to get the chance to chat and have a cuddle.

I would think that, once she has the chance to get used to the idea, and to understand that you are in a committed relationship, she will relax this rule sooner or later. Making a big issue about it now will not get you a result.

You can take the chance to show her that you are both sensible mature people, and that you are committed to each other - little things like clearly having a way of doing the dishes together reinforce the idea that you are a couple, sharing your lives together, and it's not just about sex.

ginnny · 20/09/2009 17:39

My parents are practicing Christians and I was never allowed to sleep with exP there, even when we had ds1.
We lived close enough that we could visit for days but if ever we did stay over at Christmas it never occurred to me to ask to sleep together.
I respect their beliefs and the fact that it is their house and their rules, however silly it may have seemed to me.

ermintrude13 · 20/09/2009 17:44

Because I knew my folks - devout Catholics - wouldn't put my now-DH in the same room, we just didn't stay the night with them. We didn't argue about it, I just avoided staying there and they knew why. Interestingly, when we bought a house together Mum casually but specifically said that if we stayed we could have the spare room with double bed - I think they'd decided that if marriage was out of the question then mortgage would have to do . We did get married a year later but I appreciated their change of heart.

I think they trusted their children (there are 6 of us) not to be bringing home random temporary sexual partners and we respected them enough to only want to stay overnight with long-term partners.

2 weeks is far too long a visit anyway - a friend of mine says house guests are like fish: after a couple of days they go off . You could stay for a couple of nights and explain nicely that it's because you don't want to spend a fortnight sleeping in separate rooms. But I bet your partner won't want to rock the boat that much.

There are a lot of prurient people on this thread who think they have a right to control the actions of people in their houses and imagine all sorts of sordid things might happen if they weren't there to impose bans. Weird.

OrangeFish · 20/09/2009 17:44

More than the separated bed rule, I would be damn worried about he insisting to stay 2 weeks at his mother's knowing that you would prefer not to.

I wouldn't give Aurynne any bad time for being with a separated man. Please remember that some separations last for years and in many occassions the marriage was... well.. dead, long before the separation so the fact that she is sleeping with a separated man doesn't mean that he has some sort of unresolved issues that make her relationship improper.

FWIW my soon-to-be-exh is living with another woman, We have had a difficult divorce for other reasons hence the length of it, but I wouldn't consider their relationship inadequate. In my books she is her rightful partner. Ah, and yes, they have been together for 7 months and spend holidays with my soon-to-be ex MIL. And I'm sure she is not Aurynne as she would be complaining of getting the second best bedroom in the house, just next to MILs, and given what would be a most wonderful example of a 200 years old mother of pearl marquetry bed (double) that squeaks at every breath!

OrangeFish · 20/09/2009 17:46

I love that line "if marriage was out of the question then mortgage would have to do"

fluffles · 20/09/2009 17:58

i can't believe how harsh you are all being to the OP. not only is her DP and his family pretty much INSISTING that she spends her ENTIRE two week christmas break at their house, she isn't even allowed to share a room with her DP but instead will be sleeping alone in a strange house.

NOT how i would spend christmas.

I would ONLY even consider going for two weeks if DP and i had a proper room to ourselves which we could retreat to when we needed time together or space from the rest of the family. Otherwise i would be saying that we'd be staying overnight one or two nights at most and maybe in a local b&b for longer if they really want us around longer.