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Original poster

MIL wants us to sleep in separate beds in her house

358 replies

aurynne · 20/09/2009 11:17

Hi there, here goes another MIL thread ;)

My partner's mom is actually a lovely person and she and I get along very well. But there always had to be a "but", doesn't it? When we go to stay with them in their house, my partner and I have to sleep in separate beds! My partner and I are in out thirties and have been together just for 7 months, but for goodness sake, we sleep together every day!

I know that in your house, you set your own rules, however absurd they are. So, last weekend we stayed there I suggested my partner that we could sleep in a hotel instead, and go see his parents in the morning. He replied that "his parents would be very hurt if we did that" (!!!).

So, apparently the rule is not only that when we sleep at their house we do it in separate beds, but actually that we MUST sleep in their house! Is this common behaviour in MILs?

It doesn't bother me that much when it is only a weekend, but we are planning to spend Christmas there and I definitely don't want to sleep in separate beds from my partner for two weeks. And I am not 16, ffs!!!

Any of you has this same problem? Has anybody fund a magic solution that will not offend anyone? Is my MIL's behaviour reasonable?

Thanks in advance for your replies!

Aurynne

OP posts:
diddl · 21/09/2009 13:41

Me too.

You would be a guest in their house-you sleep where they tell you!!

Harimosmummy · 21/09/2009 13:42

Agree with OrmIrian.

In the short term, you will get what you want.

But I will tell you something for nothing: If a partner of 7Mo wrote to my mother to tell her her opinion was wrong, I'd be so fucking angry I'd dump them on the spot.

Obviously, I don't know if you discussed this with your partner beforehand or what his take on it is (though I got the feeling he was all for keeping her sweet and not mentioning it to her)

I've been with my DH for 11 years now and I get on very well with his mum and I'd STILL never write something like that.

As it happened, my DH was separated when we met and (probably a similar length of time to you - maybe a little longer), he was staying with his parents and I stayed at a hotel, as they weren't keen on me staying in the house.

We met up (with thier full knowledge) in hte evening for dinner and drinks, then he dropped me back to the hotel and went back to their house.

It never once crossed my mind to question that and I can honestly say I have a wonderful relationship with them now. I'm not sure I'd be able to say that if I'd started e-mailing them back in 1999!!!!!!!!! (or whatever it was we did before e-mail )

Anyway, I hope it works out well for you. I'm obviously coming at this from my own situation (there were my DSDs involved which is why we all agreed to take things slowly) but I do think it was a rather foolish brave move to contact his mother directly.

Harimosmummy · 21/09/2009 13:45

Sorry, Didn't mean to leave the swear word in there. Meant it to look f**ng.

Sorry if that has offended - I have reported it to MN.

pigsinmud · 21/09/2009 13:52

Well I'm not sure I'd have emailed, but I think they're out of order telling you to use separate rooms. I don't get this idea of her house her rules, would she make unmarried friends of hers sleep in separate rooms? I doubt it. I'd be quite offended if I was not married and a friend asked my partner & I to use separate rooms.

Personally I'd stay in a nearby hotel - don't think I'd want to spend 2 weeks with your mil!

MorrisZapp · 21/09/2009 14:03

Christ on a bike!!!

You are (charmingly) bonkers, OP.

This is madness. Why can't you sleep where your MIL wants you to? I just don't get it. If it bothers you that much, don't go to visit her. After just 7 months, your DP will have to suck it up. You aren't legally obliged to spend xmas anywhere you don't want to.

I wouldn't stay more than 1 night at my MILs.

You don't seem to grasp at all the idea that the inlaws are in charge here as it is their house. Loads of people have a 'no sleeping together under my roof if you're not married' policy, and for a few short days really, what is the problem.

I can't believe you have emailed her directly about this issue! What does your DP say about this?

I am cringing for all of you.

OrangeFish · 21/09/2009 14:05

I would have just simply talked to the guy, and if he insisted in their house their rules, I would have shortened my trip allowing him to stay as long as he wanted.

But now you have done that... I would say that something between 5 and 6 apply

purplepeony · 21/09/2009 14:39

I've been following this all the way...

OP do you have children of your own? I don't want to sound hurtful, but you do sound terribly young, self-absorbed and well, immature.

You have only known this man for weeks really- 7 months is nothing.

I think you are breathlessly out of order in contacting his mother.

You obviously have no manners and no empathy. How rude to email and suggest alternative plans when you are their guest!

Okay, perhaps your boyfriend could have done so, he's their son, but you seem to be controlling this one don't you? Is he so upset, or just you?

Youhave put his mum in a horrible situation- she must hate the prospect of seeing you, yet will be trying not to alienate her son, and want to see him.

Selfish woman that you are - just grow up a bit and put up with his parents' wishes if you even get there now.

mrsjammi · 21/09/2009 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 15:07

She's not your MIL if you're not married.

I agree with wannaBe's post from last night.

She's not your MIL. He's not divorced, much less married to you.

Her house, her rules.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2009 15:12

Just read the whole thread.

You sound incredibly immature.

Best of luck.

As for your poll, well, you sound incredibly immature.

If it were my son in question I'd just show him the email without a single word of comment.

And I were your 'partner' (LOL! You've only been seeing him 7 months!) and you wrote something like that to my mother, all you'd have left of me would be tire tracks on the road and the stench of burning rubber.

mrsjammi · 21/09/2009 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pooexplosions · 21/09/2009 15:30

How does anyone not get the idea of her house her rules? What other way could a self respecting person live... my house but you walk all over my opinions, morals and beliefs,do what you like and here give me a good kicking while you're about it?.

How rude you are. From her point of view, her married son is bringing his new, known for a wet week, girlfriend to her home, she is being welcomed as a guest and treated nicely. You sleep wherever she wants you to or you don't go. Its the most basic of good manners.
If you don't want to stay under her rules and you feel pushed into it by your boyfriend, then your problem is with him, not her. Take it up with him.

And hope that she doesn't retract the invitation once she reads your email, because I certainly would!

foxytocin · 21/09/2009 15:55

If my partner felt that he had to please his mother more than he had to please me (stay at hers rather than a hotel room) then he could have his mother. OTOH as already suggested, 2 nights at his mothers; rest of the nights (if any) elsewhere.

fwiw, I think you have bitten off more than you can chew.

mathanxiety · 21/09/2009 16:19

The e-mail was ill-advised. The person to hash this out with is the DP.

MaggieBeauLeo · 21/09/2009 16:43

Yikes.

I go for option

  1. She was right, you are a presumptious, brazen madame and no way on earth are you going to get the green light to shag her precious son under her roof!!

I can't believe you emailed her to tell her who should sleep where in her home!!! I am sorry to be so blunt but you should have a bit of respect for the way she feels. Her son's marriage broke up. HE's not even divorced yet. She's a generation older than you and she's entitled to have ten minutes to get to grip with his marriage ending and new women appearing. From her point of view it would be nice if there were an interval of sorts between the two.

Rindercella · 21/09/2009 16:43

Oh dear. Christmas is still some three months away. I have a feeling you will be doing something else during the festive season and not be staying with your boyfriend's family.

I personally think it was very bad form to send his mother that letter/email. If anyone should have challenged her, it should have been your boyfriend. How many times have you met her? What actually did you say in the letter?

MaggieBeauLeo · 21/09/2009 16:44

Have you really posted it? Can you get it back? or is it too late?

MaggieBeauLeo · 21/09/2009 16:44

Have you really posted it? Can you get it back? or is it too late?

MaggieBeauLeo · 21/09/2009 16:46

oh god it's an email.

BroodyChook · 21/09/2009 16:57

Sending that email was a bad, bad idea. Not the best way to start a relationship with your partners family.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/09/2009 17:00

OP - when did he split from his wife? If he's got another year to wait until the divorce can happen presumeably he's waiting for the two years non-cohabiting thing? So there was what - 2/3 months between his marriage breaking down and you and he getting together?

I have nothing against that at all, DH was still married when I met him and he had only been seperated from his ex for 6 months.
You have to look at things from his Mum's point of view though. This time last year she was perhaps planning Christmas with her son and daughter-in-law, now this year she is planning spending it with her son and his new girlfriend. That is a big adjustment for someone to make.

ladyhelen2 · 21/09/2009 17:37

Tell me you haven't really sent it. Please.

I have sympathy with you not wanting to have separate beds but I have got a horrid feeling that you won't be visiting them at all now.

diddl · 21/09/2009 19:11

It does come across as a bit controlling/sex is more important than my not-Ils feelings!

clam · 21/09/2009 19:12

So, have I got this right? You and DP (BF?) live in NZ, but are coming to the UK for Christmas to stay for 2 weeks with his parents. He has only relatively recently (in their eyes) separated from his DW, even though you reckon they know she was a fruitcake. I also take it that you haven't met them before?

And you have sent his mother an email asking what her objections are to you sleeping with her son whilst a guest in her house.

Oh, lordie lord! Please put me right, if I've got any of that wrong and it's better in RL than it seems.

clam · 21/09/2009 19:13

OK, so have just re-read the OP properly and see that you have met, and stayed there before. That's a bit better. But only a bit.