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Original poster

MIL wants us to sleep in separate beds in her house

358 replies

aurynne · 20/09/2009 11:17

Hi there, here goes another MIL thread ;)

My partner's mom is actually a lovely person and she and I get along very well. But there always had to be a "but", doesn't it? When we go to stay with them in their house, my partner and I have to sleep in separate beds! My partner and I are in out thirties and have been together just for 7 months, but for goodness sake, we sleep together every day!

I know that in your house, you set your own rules, however absurd they are. So, last weekend we stayed there I suggested my partner that we could sleep in a hotel instead, and go see his parents in the morning. He replied that "his parents would be very hurt if we did that" (!!!).

So, apparently the rule is not only that when we sleep at their house we do it in separate beds, but actually that we MUST sleep in their house! Is this common behaviour in MILs?

It doesn't bother me that much when it is only a weekend, but we are planning to spend Christmas there and I definitely don't want to sleep in separate beds from my partner for two weeks. And I am not 16, ffs!!!

Any of you has this same problem? Has anybody fund a magic solution that will not offend anyone? Is my MIL's behaviour reasonable?

Thanks in advance for your replies!

Aurynne

OP posts:
wannaBe · 20/09/2009 17:59

They are entitled to their opinion. Ultimately it's down to their beliefs,and you have to respect those. Would you take meat to the house of a vegetarian? or alcohol into the house of non-drinking muslims/recovering alcoholics just because you feel you should be allowed to live your life the way you want?

It's not going to kill you to sleep separately for any period of time, you'll be sleeping anyway so...

mrsjammi · 20/09/2009 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CarmenSanDiego · 20/09/2009 18:26

But the problem is that they are being pressured to stay in that house... for two weeks.

What a crappy holiday if they are being separated.

The op has stated she would prefer to stay in a hotel but mil would be offended.

If the mil is offended by them sleeping together in her house, she needs to let them go to a hotel. If she wants to play her house, her rules, then fair enough - but that means the op has a perfect right not to agree to those rules.

Morloth · 20/09/2009 18:37

"but that means the op has a perfect right not to agree to those rules."

Absolutely, it actually sounds like the OP has a partner problem rather than a MIL problem. Partner thinks staying with MIL is more important than sleeping together, OP doesn't. OP needs to decide which is more important to her.

hocuspontas · 20/09/2009 18:50

Two weeks????

What on earth are you going to talk about for two weeks? Are you seriously going to waste two weeks of holiday entitlement at the ILs? Even if you share a room it's going to be awful.

Stuff that. Say you'll join them for 5 days. Even that's generous - I don't care how well you get on with them.

diddl · 20/09/2009 19:27

But if the OP starts insisting on them sleeping together, it´s going to cause conflict between him & his mum.

That said, he doesn´t want to upset his parents by going to a hotel.

I don´t think it´s that unreasonable to ask an unmarried couple to sleep in seperate beds, but I think the fact that they are staying with his parents for two weeks is is odd.

OrmIrian · 20/09/2009 19:28

Yep it is definitely the 2 weeks that is the problem IMO

Mybox · 20/09/2009 19:30

Don't go

lisianthus · 20/09/2009 19:36

Having looked at the other MIL threads on MN, you may want to consider this: If you are seeing your relationship as a long term thing, 2 weeks is actually a very short time. I'd say it is probably worth it to make it clear to your MIL/prospective MIL that you are willing to treat her and her feelings with respect. it may avoid a lot of problems later on.

If this is the only issue you have with your MIL, it seems that she is a pretty normal person, who just has this one issue. Respect it, then going forward, don't stay at their house for long periods if you find this hugely annoying.

Original poster
aurynne · 20/09/2009 20:53

Hi to all!

Wow, I didn't think this would turn into such heated debate!

First of all, sorry for taking so long to answer, but I live in New Zealand and here it was sleeping time.

Second, thanks to all your opinions, I now feel comfortable in my (shared with most of you) opinion that two weeks is too long to stay with the ILs, or with anyone.

In response to people who say they are not my ILs, I agree, "in-laws" is a very defined term that means "parents of spouse", and we are not married. But really, the only reason I use the term is because it's much shorter than writing "my partner's parents" every time.

And please keep telling me your opinions as they are, I am in no way offended. After all, it was me asking!

Must go t work now... I envy most of you, for which it is still Sunday!

Hugs,

Aurynne

OP posts:
2rebecca · 20/09/2009 22:04

She's not your MIL she's your partners mother and clearly doesn't regard you as her DIL. My parents didn't like unmarried adults sleeping together whatever their age. A few nights apart isn't that big a deal is it? If it is make your point by staying in a b&b and telling his mum it's so you can have a double bed.

2rebecca · 20/09/2009 22:06

Your partner actually sounds the barrier here not his mum, although why spending a fortnight with anyone's family sounds awful. I actually wouldn't go under those circumstances and issue a "hotel or you go alone" ultimatum.

mrsjammi · 20/09/2009 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mummytowillow · 20/09/2009 22:45

I got married when I was 34! I lived with him for a year before that and every time we went to my parents we had to sleep in separate rooms, it wasn't until after the wedding we were allowed in the same room!!

Sorry but I know it is victorian, but its her house, so you have to follow her rules, plus its only for a couple of nights!

SolidGoldBrass · 21/09/2009 00:21

is the two-weeks thing to do with one lot of you being in New Zealand and the other lot being in Europe? If so, then take some good books and put up with it this christmas, next christmas the PIL will probably be more accepting. If you actually live less than a couple of hours' travelling time from them then a fortnight is a bit too long to be treated like an adolescent and not very welcome guest.

slummymummy36 · 21/09/2009 00:41

2 weeks at the inlaws???

Bloody hell - even if they are loevly now -m they certainly wont be after 2 weeks!

I speak from bitter experience. Cut the trip by at least 75% or kiss goodbye to a happy Xmas and probably any good future relations.

The 2 weeks stay worries me alot more than the fact you have to sleep in seperate beds!

mathanxiety · 21/09/2009 05:29

Sounds like the MIL is pulling rank just for the heck of it. I would suggest that DP needs to grow a spine regarding the Christmas plans and tell his mother you will sleep together or go to a B&B -- big red flag here in his fear of hurting her feelings.

skidoodle · 21/09/2009 07:15

Agree with those saying that the issue here is the dp's reluctance to stick up for the op and their relationship.

If the mother doesn't want them sharing a room, then fine, but then she has to understand if they choose other accommodation.

a fortnight over Christmas with a family you don't know well sounds terrible. I would try to cut down the time I was there regardless of sleeping arrangements.

Original poster
aurynne · 21/09/2009 08:39

After all these valuable opinions, I promise to come back after Christmas and tell you what happened in the end ;)

Aurynne

OP posts:
thedollshouse · 21/09/2009 10:13

I am glad you have decided that 2 weeks is too long a period to stay with them. I have known my IL's for 21 years and I still wouldn't stay with them for more than a few days.

Regardless of the no sleeping together rule, I think it would be a huge mistake to spend so much time with them, far too much pressure on all concerned.

Original poster
aurynne · 21/09/2009 11:46

Ok, instead of sleeping over it and go for a discreet solution for the matter, as a reasonable person would do, I have actually just written my partner's mum an e-mail explaining the whole situation to her and asking for her opinion on the matter. Talk about being blunt!

So, I'm going to start a survey:

Question: What is going to happen now?

  1. She'll completely ignore my e-mail and I will feel embarrassed to even look at her for years.
  1. She'll reply something like: "HOW DARE YOU, YOU INSIGNIFICANT SPECK????"
  1. She will reply nicely telling me exactly what makes her feel uncomfortable about us sleeping together, and will suggest a compromising solution.
  1. She will call my partner and tell him to dump me immediately, as I am an insolent cheeky cow.
  1. She will reply nicely, but then talk about me on my back to her friends and family and tell them what an idiot I am.
  1. Next time I go to her house, she will make me sleep in the stables. Naked. With the pigs (have I mentioned she has a farm?).

Polls open... (God help me!!!)

Aurynne

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 21/09/2009 11:48

I suspect none of those will happen. She will agree because she has been embarrassed into doing what you want. It might well not be a subject she feels happy discussing with you (or anyone really). But it might make the atmosphere dificult.

Morloth · 21/09/2009 12:35

I think you are mad for making such a big issue out of this so early on in a relationship.

mumsiebumsie · 21/09/2009 13:18

IMO you should have just left it. But it's done now! All best .

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/09/2009 13:35

I'm with Morloth. If want this to be for keeps then you are mad to have done that. To be frank, the whole thing is starting to smack of a stubborn little girl who just wants her own way.

You have also interferred between your partner and his family, something which you shouldn't be doing 7 months into a relationship! If I was your partner's mum, I'd be taking a very dim view, no matter how much I had liked you previously.