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Original poster

MIL wants us to sleep in separate beds in her house

358 replies

aurynne · 20/09/2009 11:17

Hi there, here goes another MIL thread ;)

My partner's mom is actually a lovely person and she and I get along very well. But there always had to be a "but", doesn't it? When we go to stay with them in their house, my partner and I have to sleep in separate beds! My partner and I are in out thirties and have been together just for 7 months, but for goodness sake, we sleep together every day!

I know that in your house, you set your own rules, however absurd they are. So, last weekend we stayed there I suggested my partner that we could sleep in a hotel instead, and go see his parents in the morning. He replied that "his parents would be very hurt if we did that" (!!!).

So, apparently the rule is not only that when we sleep at their house we do it in separate beds, but actually that we MUST sleep in their house! Is this common behaviour in MILs?

It doesn't bother me that much when it is only a weekend, but we are planning to spend Christmas there and I definitely don't want to sleep in separate beds from my partner for two weeks. And I am not 16, ffs!!!

Any of you has this same problem? Has anybody fund a magic solution that will not offend anyone? Is my MIL's behaviour reasonable?

Thanks in advance for your replies!

Aurynne

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 20/09/2009 12:03

Poor you

My parents have never batted an eyelid about DP and I sleeping in the same bed, though, like you, he was married to another woman. We did have DD though!

Original poster
aurynne · 20/09/2009 12:04

In response to posters who ask for the reasons she does not want us to sleep together... I don't have the slightest idea! She is not a particularly religious person and she knows what my partner's ex did to him, so I am sure she is not being "loyal" to her. And if we forget this small thing, she is actually quite open-minded and modern in everything else. Well, i suppose we all are entitled to our little quirks... what gets to me is that I can't choose to sleep in a hotel instead, because then she would get hurt! "Her house, her rules"... but I would have imagine I got to decide in which house I slept!

Anyway, you are right that it is not worth to ruin a good relationship because of this. I was just letting some steam go and curious about other people's experiences in the matter.

Aurynne

OP posts:
Original poster
aurynne · 20/09/2009 12:06

fluffles, you DO understand . I thought I was the only one who thought a cuddle and some small talk at night in your partner's arms was the best part of the day, sex or no sex.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 20/09/2009 12:07

I think that would be my parent's attitude TBH. They are older - in their 70s. By the time DH and I had been living together a few years they did let us but in their eyes it wasn't really OK until we were married. You've only been together 7m and he is still married to someome else.

BTW do you mean seperate beds or seperate rooms?

Original poster
aurynne · 20/09/2009 12:09

OrmIrian --> both! And his parents are in their fifties, not old by any means.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/09/2009 12:15

I am wondering why you are doing 2 wks at Christmas TBH.

Don´t you want some time together?

cherryblossoms · 20/09/2009 12:15

I've come across this too (b-i-l, a partner of his and her parents). So another vote for it not being that uncommon.

CyradisTheSeer · 20/09/2009 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MaggieBeauLeo · 20/09/2009 12:18

He's her son and he's still married to somebody else.

She's old fashioned, but I can see where she's coming from. This doesn't make her a mad ol' biddy ykwim.

i think she just needs more time than her SON does to readjust. ONe minute he's married, the nxt he's bringing a new girl back to her house.

Men move on quikcer than their wives and mothers i think!

mrsboogie · 20/09/2009 13:30

oh my lord! 2 weeks at their house?

why don't you stay at his sisters house?

presumably she won't allow you to sleep together in her house until and if you get married?-sounds like there will be a lot of cold lonely Christmasses in your future if you don't sort this out now. It is her house and therefore she can set the rules, but there's nothing stopping you setting a rule of your own; either you sleep together there or you sleep somewhere else.

diddl · 20/09/2009 13:34

If she doen´t feel comfortable with you sleeping together, she doesn´t.

I don´t think it would be fair to demand to, TBH.

I´d cut the stay down, though!

MrRileysPies · 20/09/2009 13:40

Loads of older parents are like this, not that a big deal really. 2 weeks is too long though.

Deeeja · 20/09/2009 13:52

Me and dh have been actually married for 8 years now, mil thinks we should sleep in seperate beds in our own house, beat that for lunacy.
Though I agree, that you shouldn't stay at mil's house for two weeks. That is way too long!

ingles2 · 20/09/2009 13:52

seriously 4-5 days tops!
then the bickering and irritating habits start.
Do not under any circumstance agree to 2 weeks at Xmas
same bedroom or no...
Anyway, when are you going to fit your family in? or have some time alone?

purplepeony · 20/09/2009 16:04

There are several points here- you have just been together for 7 months from what you say- that is not long.

From her point of view- and she is not you MIL as she is still someones else's MIL-, until he is divorced and marries you- she does a right to her opinion.

She may well feel that you have only known each other for a short time and is not comfortable with being a host to her son's (passing) girlfriends- not that you are, but she might think this. She might be very hurt over his separation and not able to contemplate another partner yet.

My parents would not allow me and my DH to sleep together in their house weeks before our wedding eventhough we were living together at the time. I thought they were mad but had to accept it.

How does your man feel about it? You do sound as if you are stamping your foot, when really it's down to him to sort out as they are his family.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 20/09/2009 16:09

You are not married so her house her rules

CarmenSanDiego · 20/09/2009 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Morloth · 20/09/2009 16:15

Her house, her rules. Either stay there and suck it up or insist to your DH it is a hotel, or don't go. Doesn't matter why she feels the way she feels.

I adore my inlaws and couldn't stay at their place for 2 weeks, we would drive each other up a wall!

HollyGoHeavily · 20/09/2009 16:22

I think 'her house, her rules' only applies until children are 21. After that you are adult guests in her home and she should respect your wishes - you sleeping with your partner is perfectly reasonable.

CarmenSanDiego · 20/09/2009 16:27

I agree with Holly. I think her house, her rules is bollocks. It's inhospitable to impose your morals on what your houseguests do or don't do in private.

She hasn't got a leg to stand on if you say you'd rather stay in a hotel. I would.

colditz · 20/09/2009 16:28

Just don't go.

florence2511 · 20/09/2009 16:29

Her house, her rules. Just respect them and think about how fun it could be to pretend to be teenagers again and creep into each others room after lights out!!

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 20/09/2009 16:37

Before DH and I were married we were allowed to sleep in the same room but not the same bed though there was only a single bed and Dh had a put up next to me. After we were married they bought a double futon.

I think you should respect her views.

It isn't worth spoiling a good relationship and you can go for walks etc to have time alone.

purplepeony · 20/09/2009 16:49

holly- that is bollocks re. over 21. Both my Dcs are over and almost over 21 and there is no way I would entertain either of them bringing home their latest squeeze and them sharing a room- sorry, it just feels wrong- they can do what they like in their own places.

Yes, it's all to do with parents acknowledging their kids have sex lives, but not under my nose.

CarmenSanDiego · 20/09/2009 16:53

Purplepeony, do you hold all your houseguests to these rules or just your children?

What happens if they never marry their partners? What if they have children together?

It's one thing perhaps if we're talking about teenagers, but quite another when we're talking about adults in relationships imo.

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