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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My world is crashing down... please help.

237 replies

Imfallingapart · 03/09/2009 08:47

I've just had a message on FB from an aqquantance. She's saying that my DP has a conviction for sexually assaulting a child in 95/96. This would have been when DP was 17/18. I don't know what to think.. what to do.

I have a DS and a DD - not my DP's, and am heavily pregnant by DP.

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago, and i bumped into this woman, and introduced DP to her, little knowing that they already knew each other - she lived with his mother for a few years when younger until his mother discovered her in bed with her (the mothers) boyfriend. Since then, they have had no contact.

I don't know why this woman is saying this, i trust my DP implicitly, or i thought i did. We don't live together, but i have never ever had any doubts about him being around my children. We went to school together, and i've known him for years, and i don't remember anything like this coming to light, that said, i did move away for a year or so around the time it alledgedly happened.

So i know i need to ask him about it. I'm going to be seeing him later today. I need to know the truth. But what do i do if it is true? What if i am having a baby with a peadophile??

I'm sat here in tears and i just don't know what to do. Please help.

OP posts:

Unlikelyamazonian · 03/09/2009 08:51

Isn't there a way you could check this out without askikng him? There is new law isn't there - allowing you to check up on partner's background for any such assaults as this.

If it's true he may not be truthful about it anyway. If it's not true (and this girl doesn't sound as though she is entirely trustworthy then you do need to know exactly what happened, if anything.

Someone else will be along soon to help you out more. Don't panic.

fishie · 03/09/2009 08:53

ask him. tell him what this acquaintance has said.

RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 03/09/2009 08:54

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RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 03/09/2009 08:55

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fishie · 03/09/2009 08:55

i wouldn't go behind my partner's back on such a serious allegation just on the word of an acquaintance on facebook.

JackBauer · 03/09/2009 08:57

Agree with reality, a 17 yo and a 15 yo would be recorded like this so it may well be nothing. You need to talk to him and say someone has said something, but don't tell him who.

Or what about talking to his mum?

MmeLindt · 03/09/2009 08:58

If your DP has a conviction then it will be on record and you will be able o acess this information

This woman may be trying to help but she may also be tryong to cause trouble.

She does not sound very reliable tbh

I am sure someone will soon be able to tell you who to contact to get details of your dp criminal record

Or you could ask your dp

Which might be the best thing. If she is lying then he has the right to know that she is dpreading lies about him

RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 03/09/2009 08:58

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noddyholder · 03/09/2009 08:59

I wouldn't jump in feet first either as he may well like others have said have had a teenage relationship.Could you approach any of his family/friends who you really trust and confide in them?I am so sorry for you this sounds horrendous and could just be some meddling lodger from the past or something more serious.

RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 03/09/2009 09:00

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Message withdrawn

Original poster

Imfallingapart · 03/09/2009 09:01

Thank you for your replies.

According to the woman who sent this message to me on FB his mum had to be rehoused to where she's currently living because of it. I don't know what to do. I don;t know wether to ask him on his own or speak to him in front of his mum, who would know about it if it were true.

I don't intend to go in all guns blazing or anything... but i do need to know the truth. Would it be helpful to show him the FB message she sent me, do you think?

OP posts:

noddyholder · 03/09/2009 09:03

That sounds more serious tbh.How has he been since you both met her?Has he said anything about her at all?If he was worried I am sure meeting someone from his past would make him very jittery

whoisasking · 03/09/2009 09:06

Honestly, I would contact the police. Right now.

If this is true, you have a right to know.

If this isn't true, this woman needs to be stopped.

Do it now

Original poster

Imfallingapart · 03/09/2009 09:07

He's been fine since we met her. However, the night we met her he did seem a little shocked, but i didn't really think anything of it, just put it down to a blast from the past. And when he told his mum, she positively bristled at the mention of her name.

OP posts:

noddyholder · 03/09/2009 09:08

Could it be that he had a relationship with her?

Original poster

Imfallingapart · 03/09/2009 09:08

How do i go about contacting the police without him finding out? Do i just go into the police station and ask to see someone?

I just don't know what to do or think.

OP posts:

Original poster

Imfallingapart · 03/09/2009 09:10

I honestly don't know. The night we met her, she was really chatty, laughing and joking with us both - i hadn't an inkling at all that there was anything between them, until she said, 'oh i recognise you, blah de blah, tell your mum i was asking after her'

OP posts:

whoisasking · 03/09/2009 09:10

I would call your local police station and ask for their advice.

for you having to deal with this.

noddyholder · 03/09/2009 09:13

Well I do think you need to end the speculation as quickly as poss because you ar pregnant and have 2 children already.Phone the police and ask for advice

CantThinkofFunnyName · 03/09/2009 09:16

This really is an awful situation for you. I would initially go to the police station and ask. They probably won't be able to tell you there and then, but should be able to get the right department, right person etc and pass on your details to call you back.

might it be worth you asking some subtle questions of your own children too about his behaviour around them?

2rebecca · 03/09/2009 09:23

I would ask him. If my husband got an allegation about me from someone I would like to think he would ask me first rather than going to the police etc about it. There is a child protection issue though so if he denies it I do think that you have to show him the facebook entry and say you can't settle until you have checked it with the police. It might be a lie, although if this person was allowed on your facebook I presume you trust her. It might be a 17 year old with a 14 or 15 year old. It may be something more worrying though. I would ask him first and consider asking the police afterwards. If he has nothing to hide then he should be happy for you to get this cleared up rather than have underlying suspicions.

MmeLindt · 03/09/2009 09:25

I don't think it is a good idea to ask your chidlren anything about his behaviour with them. How old are your DC?

Could you speak to your DP's mum, tell her that this woman had contacted you and is saying really nasty things about your DP. Face to face if you can, so that you can see her reaction.

Original poster

Imfallingapart · 03/09/2009 09:28

Thank you again for your advice.

I've just spoken to a lovely lady at a local police station and whilst she obviously said they wouldn't be able to tell me anything over the phone, she said if i called in and spoke to an officer they would be able to advise me. She said they probably wouldn't be able to disclose any information, but at least they might be able to put my mind at rest.

My DS starts school this afternoon, so i'm going to have to wait until he goes in to go the the police station.

I don't know wether to speak to my partner first or go to the police first.

My head is all over the place, it really is.

OP posts:

itsmeolord · 03/09/2009 09:29

So let me get this straight. She was caught shagging your partners mums boyfriend and kicked out of the home they shared.

Years later you both bump into her and she tells your partner to "tell your mum I was asking after her..."
Your partner understandably visibly looks uncomfortable.

She then messages you on Facebook to tell you that your dp is a paedophile and his mum had to be rehoused.

If she is an acquaintance then surely if she was genuinely concerned that there may be an issue she would have said something sooner. After all, I'm assuming that she has been on your facedbook for a while?

My dp's ex married a man who has a conviction for sexual assualt with a child. He had sex with two under age girls when he was in his late teens. ( I don't know the full details, nor do I want to.)
He is on the sex offenders register and it is well known in the are that they live because generally things like that have a way of becoming public/local knowledge.

I would be very surprised if this is true simply because you seem so shocked, if you are all in roughly the same area and have roughly the same circle of friends I would have thought that you would have heard a rumour at some point.
Also, this acquaintance sounds like she has an axe to grind.

Thats just my opinion.

Original poster

Imfallingapart · 03/09/2009 09:30

My DS is nearly five, and DD is 16 months. Some people may recognise me from that, obviously i'm a namechanger, and if you do recognise me, then i ask you to please not out me.

OP posts:

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