My world is crashing down... please help.

[Imfallingapart]

I've just had a message on FB from an aqquantance. She's saying that my DP has a conviction for sexually assaulting a child in 95/96. This would have been when DP was 17/18. I don't know what to think.. what to do.

I have a DS and a DD - not my DP's, and am heavily pregnant by DP.

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago, and i bumped into this woman, and introduced DP to her, little knowing that they already knew each other - she lived with his mother for a few years when younger until his mother discovered her in bed with her (the mothers) boyfriend. Since then, they have had no contact.

I don't know why this woman is saying this, i trust my DP implicitly, or i thought i did. We don't live together, but i have never ever had any doubts about him being around my children. We went to school together, and i've known him for years, and i don't remember anything like this coming to light, that said, i did move away for a year or so around the time it alledgedly happened.

So i know i need to ask him about it. I'm going to be seeing him later today. I need to know the truth. But what do i do if it is true? What if i am having a baby with a peadophile??

I'm sat here in tears and i just don't know what to do. Please help.

[AspasiaManos]

"he was convicted. We know what happened."

Wow, do you really believe that, shineon? So every conviction is completely safe and we know the truth in every single legal case every heard in the UK? Your faith in the legal system is somewhat disturbing.

[noddyholder]

The more of this I read th more I think this is far too serious to be decided on the advice of a load of mums on the internet!This lady needs serious advice and support it is too much for her to take on alone and make the right decision as she is emotionally involved.Someone impartial and qualified needs to help her ascertain the facts and then decide.Good luck OP xx

[Blu]

Is it possible to get access to transcripts of trials?

I would do that. And get an up to date CRB check.

Whatever did or did not happen then (and none of us here can know), he may be thoroughly reliable now, he may not. But he should have told you about this. It's a major event to happen in someone's life, and he should have told you.so he cannot be surprised if you feel the need now to make yourself very sure of the facts. Also - it's him and his mother who have given you the info about the psychiatrist and ss, I think? All fine if that is solid, but I think the only way you can make any further decision is to get more independent info - through the transcripts, a CRB check (not sure how you go about that, as an individual), and any evidence of ss or psychiatrist report.

[Blu]

NH - I agree.

I wonder if the NSPCC could advise you on what to do next?

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Teenager of 17 is horny having recently seen his girlfriend.

Goes to loo to have a wank.

12 year old walks in and sees him.

Asks him out and is annoyed he rejects her so reports him and says he has asked her to do stuff.

He is found guilty.

This does not sound like child abuse at all tbh. It sounds like he was caught out - obviously very stupid to do this when kids were in the house - and the 12 year old grabbed her chance to ask him out.

I will get completely slaughtered for this but just because he has been found guilty of child abuse does not mean he is guilty of it abuse - juries get things wrong and kids lie.

[GypsyMoth]

17 year old boys lie too....

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Of course they do.

I am just putting my point of view across.

[Daboecia]

This must be extremely hard for you. Poor you.

Maybe you should distance yourself from him a little to get some perspective?

I think what you have to ask yourself is whether his sexual boundaries are like most peoples? Is he otherwise a "regular guy", so to speak? Does his otherwise moral code seem "normal"?

How long have you known him? How long have you been in a relationship with him?

[GypsyMoth]

and 17 year old boys should lock doors and not ALLOW minors to come across their sexual acivity either!

[skihorse]

dittany I was fucked up - you think this 12 year old girl in bed with OP's mother's partner wasn't fucked up? I was not an innocent or naive 12 year old - I sought sexual contact - it happens.

[noddyholder]

I don't think the 12 yr old was anywhere near anyones bed maybe I have misread

[Blu]

IFA, I don't think any of us would want to be you right now, you ar in a terrible situation.

I do think you need to take a few days apart from him and coolly consider everything you know as a fact, find out everything you done' yet know, and see how it adds with your instincts.

You may want to answer these q's in your own head, rather than here (because we're already conjecturing so much). But, how 'on target' are your instincts, in general? I see that your youngest child is only 16m, and you are heavily pg - so you got together with him quite quickly after having a baby with someone else (for which I am pleased for you) - did he sweep you off your feet? Did you fall into his arms after a break-up or when you were feeling lost and lonely? (though you do say you have known him before you got together). Has he ever given you any hint or impression that his expectations around relationships, or children, or sex are a bit differnt from other people's, or has anything about those things taken you by surprise? Is there anything in what you know of relationships that he had before you that make you ask any questions? Has he evern expressed any opinion on any cases in the press that surprised you? Is he sensitive and understanding about women and issues of vulnerability?

As I say, I'm not asking you these q's so that you can tell ME or other MN-ers the answers - I don't think we can give you an opinion about how sound he is. But to suggest some things you might want to add to the list of things already churning round your head about him!

Would it be worth calling an expert helpline? Anonymously to begin with, of course?

Does anyone have any links or advice on where IFA can get expert independent RL advice?

[Blu]

Dittany - I think you are a lawyer - can the OP see the court transcript? And if so, how?

[skihorse]

I've read it all dittany - maybe you missed the bit about this girl sauntering up to OP & her partner with a smirk... do child abuse victims readily approach their abusers? As I said earlier (perhaps you didn't read it?), I saw my abuser and my legs collapsed - I did not approach him.

[noddyholder]

This woman is not the girl in question she is just someone op's partner knew at the time

[skihorse]

dittany The reason I was "prematurely sexualised" was because I was physically well developed, of above average intelligence and poorly parented. Clearly I'm the only girl in the world ever to have experienced this and I bow to your superior knowledge.

[Blu]

Ski - you have conflated 2 people. The sauntering woman is the one who sent the fb message - not the 12 yo grown up.

I honestly think that, except to remind ourselves that almst anything is possible within human behaviour, conjecture and speculation cannot help IFA make a sensible decision.

[Daboecia]

skihorse. this is not about you. This is about Op, and I think you are doing a fair bit of transferring, which may not necessarily be helpful.