My world is crashing down... please help.

[Imfallingapart]

I've just had a message on FB from an aqquantance. She's saying that my DP has a conviction for sexually assaulting a child in 95/96. This would have been when DP was 17/18. I don't know what to think.. what to do.

I have a DS and a DD - not my DP's, and am heavily pregnant by DP.

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago, and i bumped into this woman, and introduced DP to her, little knowing that they already knew each other - she lived with his mother for a few years when younger until his mother discovered her in bed with her (the mothers) boyfriend. Since then, they have had no contact.

I don't know why this woman is saying this, i trust my DP implicitly, or i thought i did. We don't live together, but i have never ever had any doubts about him being around my children. We went to school together, and i've known him for years, and i don't remember anything like this coming to light, that said, i did move away for a year or so around the time it alledgedly happened.

So i know i need to ask him about it. I'm going to be seeing him later today. I need to know the truth. But what do i do if it is true? What if i am having a baby with a peadophile??

I'm sat here in tears and i just don't know what to do. Please help.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Look, he was 17. His story sounds believable.

At 12 you can be pretty heftily "in love". She saw him masturbate and asked him on a date. Must have been embarassing for her that he declined. He probably never thought it relevant to tell you this, because after all, he got dropped in it, and it wasnt true anyway. or along those lines.

[MmeLindt]

I think that having something like that in your past is very difficult. Obviously he missed the time that he should have told you about it, but would there have been a right time? It must have been very difficult for him, and he would have known that he might lose you.

It sounds like he did something very silly and paid a high price for it.

Now it is up to you if you want to put it behind you.

The fact that they were willing to show you the paperwork and that he has access to his son makes me feel that he is telling the truth.

The fb woman has got what she intended though. She has caused trouble for your DP and his mum, revenge for getting thrown out of their house?

[LaurieFairyCake]

17 year old boys are not fully cooked yet and it's perfectly possible that he was guilty of continuing masturbating in front of her.

This does not make him a paedophile or a danger to children. It is perfectly possible that he did not do the right thing at the time but he was 17 and conflicted sexual behaviour is common.

If it was me I would be wanting to read the transcripts of the trial.

I think it's unfair to speculate that the little girl 'made it up' and instead you should focus on what he thinks of what he did and what the conviction was for. I would get a CRB check done and give this a lot of serious thought.

[Imfallingapart]

Thank you for all your words of wisdom.

My heads fried at the moment, so i think a day or two apart to think is what i need.

Going to do bedtimes now but will be back around much later.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

for you, but if you believe his explanation - and it does sound like credible behaviour of a 17 and 12 year old - try and step back and see how this incident has affected his life since and how it would have made him reluctant to tell you about it. Silly, because truth always outs, but again it's credible behaviour.

Maybe you could go to the library and look over old local papers and how it was reported then?

wheniwishuponastar, no lock on a bathroom door is not suspicious - we never had one either after my sister got herself locked in (and hysterical) aged 6, it still had no lock when we were in our 20s.

[skihorse]

dittany/shineon When I was 12 I made a big play for a 17 year old. He told his parents, who told mine and I had to be "warned off".

[SheWillBeLoved]

My ex DP was taken to court after his (then 15 year old) cousin accused him of touching her because he told her mum that she was blind drunk on a street corner one night. He was 18. It scarred him so much that he wasn't comfortable around children for years afterwards, always wondering whether people believed her. Still does to this day to be honest. He was found to be innocent, but his male cousins (the girls brothers) broke into his house one night, beat him up, and punched his then GF in the stomach as they thought she was pregnant and told her that it was for her own good.

Years later, she admitted it was all lies, and that she just wanted to get back at him for getting her into so much trouble, and had seen something on the TV that day about a paedophile and that was the route she chose. Even admitted trying to get her sister to lie also.

Funnily enough, she messaged me on Facebook a month before our daughter was due, thinking that I knew nothing about it as DP would never have told me - and asked if I knew that he 'touched kids' I wrote back telling her I knew everything and if she was in touch again, I'd be in touch with my solicitor. She wrote back with "lol worth a try".

No idea what my point is, suppose I'm just offering sympathies as I know what it's like to have a niggling doubt there. The only difference is your DP was found to be guilty, and that doesn't happen easily if there isn't sufficient 'proof' to back that decision up. So sorry you're going through this. Do what's right for you and your children.

[lilacclaire]

I also had a huge crush on one of my older brothers friends when I was around 12 and pursued him relentlessly, I can see this happening.

[Imfallingapart]

Well... having slept - or not - on it, i am still no clearer really as to knowing what to do.

Before i found out, i could happily envisioned spending the rest of my life with him. I love the bones of him, and i'm not sure i can just switch those feelings off. It's so difficult. I want to believe him, i really do... but i'm so scared of making the wrong decision.

[QuintessentialShadows]

A 17 year old being inappropriate with a 12 year old is hopefully quite far from the 30 year old man he is now? Based on his past, you would be right to be concerned, and right to show some precaution, and he should understand this. Do you have sons or daughters?

[Imfallingapart]

I have one of each, DS is 5 and DS is 16 months. Am currently pregnant with his child too.

I can honestly say that i have never had a second thought about him being around my children. He adores them and they him.

[HelenaBonhamCarter]

This is really interesting.

Fwiw, I think having a look at the court records if possible would be useful. I'm having trouble with the bit where he was found guilty. I've no problem believing that the 12yo could have thought it appropriate to accuse him of something like this, when I was 15 me and my friend were uncomfortable around our very camp teacher, and started joking among ourselves that he was a bit pervy. It went a bit too far, we were scaring ourselves and noticeably avoiding him, and he got fed up with it and rather cross and I felt terrible. He never did anything whatsoever that could have been construed as wrong.

It was one of those teenage 'how to deal badly with uncomfortable feelings' situations and thank God he didn't get into any trouble over our immature silliness.

Also it seems strange a 17yo was left to care for 7 children, I'd have hidden in the toilet I think but maybe not decided to have a wank...

Maybe the mother was upset when she found out what happened and reacted a bit strongly, and the girl thought it was truly police worthy - OTOH it's possible he's not telling you the truth. I'd be inclined to believe him. Could you speak to the mother of his 10yo?

[noddyholder]

I think a naive immature 17 yr old with a hormonal precocious 12 yr old could end in this scenario.What about other relationshipsmetc he has had over the years?I am sure if he was a danger in any way he would have had other 'incidents'and ss would not have allowed access to his son

[HelenaBonhamCarter]

And I also would think the person who told you was stirring, considering her history with the family.

[2rebecca]

I don't think I'd be too upset if I found out that had happened to my bloke. It's not the sort of seedy middle aged man fancying 8 year old girl stuff that would make me not want that man near my children. It may be true he was just having a wank and then rejected her and it may be true he asked her to touch it. A 5 year age gap isn't that much and he was maybe naive and she well developed. If he wasn't alleged to have forced herself on her, sexually assaulted her or raped her then if he seems fine with children now I would try to get over it. Seeing the records may help.
I can understand the girl's mum prosecuting though. If my 12 year old said a babysitter had asked her to touch his willy I would be going to the police.He should have locked the bathroom door, although some parents get anxious when they have kids and remove the bathroom locks so that may not have been possible.

[NotPlayingAnyMore]

"she lived with his mother for a few years when younger until his mother discovered her in bed with her (the mothers) boyfriend."

According to who?

[skihorse]

dittany No, he didn't masterbate in front of me first - I'd have been fucking delighted if he had. The real reason I backed off was because I had huge self-esteem issues and "thought" the grown-ups were telling me to back off because I was ugly... not because it was inappropriate!

shewillbeloved "lol worth a try"?

[Imfallingapart]

Not sure how it's relevant, but it came from DP's mother and her ex husband.

[Portofino]

I'd give him a break to be honest. I can understand that you'd be upset that he didn't tell you earlier, but "hey, I have a conviction and had to sign the sex offenders register" is kind of hard one to bring up in conversation and probably would have had you running for the hills. I can understand why he might want to forget about it.

If SS were involved and he has otherwise led a blameless life, I'd put this down to a teenage error of judgement/inappropriate behaviour and put it from my mind.

[morningpaper]

ski, your posts made me smile (with ghastly recognition ).

I think I would react like 2rebecca here.

I would be VERY pissed off that he hadn't told me beforehand, as this must have been a HUGE part of his life. That would be the bigger issue for me. I would want some relationship counselling and perhaps some counselling of my own. I might also want him to have counselling (which is very different from seeing some psychiatrist when he was much younger) if this is such an issue still in his head that he kept it from you all this time.

Chin up, falling.

[NotPlayingAnyMore]

It's relevant because it sounds exactly like one of the easiest (and unfortunately, one of the most effective) lies to tell in order to undermine someone.