My world is crashing down... please help.

[Imfallingapart]

I've just had a message on FB from an aqquantance. She's saying that my DP has a conviction for sexually assaulting a child in 95/96. This would have been when DP was 17/18. I don't know what to think.. what to do.

I have a DS and a DD - not my DP's, and am heavily pregnant by DP.

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago, and i bumped into this woman, and introduced DP to her, little knowing that they already knew each other - she lived with his mother for a few years when younger until his mother discovered her in bed with her (the mothers) boyfriend. Since then, they have had no contact.

I don't know why this woman is saying this, i trust my DP implicitly, or i thought i did. We don't live together, but i have never ever had any doubts about him being around my children. We went to school together, and i've known him for years, and i don't remember anything like this coming to light, that said, i did move away for a year or so around the time it alledgedly happened.

So i know i need to ask him about it. I'm going to be seeing him later today. I need to know the truth. But what do i do if it is true? What if i am having a baby with a peadophile??

I'm sat here in tears and i just don't know what to do. Please help.

[ginnny]

Gosh what a horrible situation.
If it were me I think I'd have to end the relationship, even if I believed DP, there would always be that small element of doubt in my mind about it and I think that would destroy any relationship.
Like you say only 2 people know what went on in that bathroom, and at first I thought it was quite plausible, but like so many others have said, the only part that doesn't ring true is the part about the girl asking him out after she had caught him. My experience of 12 year old girls, however 'forward' or sexually aware they are is that the sight of a man/boy wanking is more likely to inspire feelings of disgust than make them ask the boy out.
But who knows - only you know how you feel and I hope you get all the help you need to make your decision.
Good luck.

[wheniwishuponastar]

yes i was wondering how OP was doing.

[steph101]

How are you OP??? XXX

[bruces]

OP i can't imagine what your going through,I think a few people have said it already but i would try ans see what his original conviction was for,in my house we don't have locks on the door so these things can happen,God willing it's all that you Dp has said,until this person told you this did you trust and love your Dp?Give him the benefit of the doubt until you can clarify it as much as possible.

[Heated]

JMO, I would be inclined to give weight 1) what the policemen who came to the house said - they have reviewed the case notes and presumably have had access to more than they can show you. 2)the psych reports. 3) What you know of the man - not the boy.

Also assume he has had no criminal convictions or cautions in the intervening 15 years?

17 year old boys are capable of making mistakes without realising the seriousness or the far-reaching ramifications.

[Quattrocento]

Hope things go well for you

FWIW I'd listen to Shiney. He was convicted of a criminal offence. It seems unlikely to me that he would have been convicted in the circumstances he describes. Even if what he says is 100% true, it's still abnormal behaviour.

[Conundrumish]

Glad you are surviving I'mfalling.

[Imfallingapart]

Thank you for thinking of me pinkpanettone

To be honest, i've had a rough few days. I've been in and out of hospital with high blood pressure and some fluid leakages, but baby is fine and well. And i'll get there.

I still haven't made a firm decision as to what to do reguarding DP, but he has been very understanding and has been really good this week whilst i've not been so good.

Thanks again for thinking of me.

[Conundrumish]

bump

[Conundrumish]

What a nightmare for you. I hope you are OK.

[Imfallingapart]

I've done a lot of thinking these past few days. I'm still pretty confused, and it's so hard to know which is the right way to go.

I know he didn't lie to me as such... he just didn't tell me, and i can understand to an extent why he didn't - it's not something that you can really slip into conversation.

I guess the biggest thing is the trust i had in him has been shaken so much.

I spoke to him last night, i asked him to come round so we could talk, and he knows that if we have any kind of future together then it's going to take a long time for me to feel fully confident in him, and to trust him again.

It would be so easy just to go with my heart - i do love him, and i can't stop that, he is the father of my unborn child and i thought we could be so happy.. but i'm trying to think with my head and be sensible.

It took me so much for me to trust him in the first place... i've been hurt badly in the past by my other childrens father, and although he's no longer in our lives - his choice - i never thought i'd trust anyone ever again, til him.

This proably isn't making much sense, so i'll stop wittering now.

[Daboecia]

I had a word with a friend of mine who is a policeman. He has been dealing with a lot of sexual offences and paedophile convictions in his career. He said that many young boys came into situations like this through either stupidity or from no fault of their own.

He also said, any man would have trouble bringing this up. Just how DO you tell your new partner "by the way, I was convicted of a sexual offence in my youth". Even though logic says that this is exactly the kind of thing you SHOULD tell a new partner, I can sort of see why he wouldnt....

I think you have to consider the man himself, and like I said earlier, his sexual boundaries, to make head or tail of this.

Maybe there is somebody who knows you, somebody you havent spoken to in a while who could lend you an ear?

[HelenaBonhamCarter]

Ref:

By Blu on Fri 04-Sep-09 14:10:49 IFA, I don't think any of us would want to be you right now, you ar in a terrible situation.

I do think you need to take a few days apart from him and coolly consider everything you know as a fact, find out everything you done' yet know, and see how it adds with your instincts.

You may want to answer these q's in your own head, rather than here (because we're already conjecturing so much). But, how 'on target' are your instincts, in general? I see that your youngest child is only 16m, and you are heavily pg - so you got together with him quite quickly after having a baby with someone else (for which I am pleased for you) - did he sweep you off your feet? Did you fall into his arms after a break-up or when you were feeling lost and lonely? (though you do say you have known him before you got together). Has he ever given you any hint or impression that his expectations around relationships, or children, or sex are a bit differnt from other people's, or has anything about those things taken you by surprise? Is there anything in what you know of relationships that he had before you that make you ask any questions? Has he evern expressed any opinion on any cases in the press that surprised you? Is he sensitive and understanding about women and issues of vulnerability?

As I say, I'm not asking you these q's so that you can tell ME or other MN-ers the answers - I don't think we can give you an opinion about how sound he is. But to suggest some things you might want to add to the list of things already churning round your head about him!

Would it be worth calling an expert helpline? Anonymously to begin with, of course?

Does anyone have any links or advice on where IFA can get expert independent RL advice?

___

I think this would be a great place to start. But maybe also you need to establish some RL support - by that I mean find SOME person you can actually rely on, discuss this with, and transfer some of the attachment you have built artound HIM onto, just temporarily, because it sounds from your posts as though he is the main person in your life an you're probably feel;ing so upset and physically unsettled because that security has been threatened.
I get those physical symptoms whenever I have trusted a person and that's called into question...a boyfriend, whoever.
If you have someone else strong and trustworthy to focus on for a while - maybe a counsellor - that might ease things a bit. You need to signal to your bodya nd your mind that even if you DO lose this attachment, you'll still be Ok and have someone to cling to, metaphorically.

I hope that makes sense. It does sound from that the police said that his behaviour wpouldn't necessarily indicate a real time threat to anyone, including your children - but that may not be the point. He has also deceived you, he's behaved in a way you may not understand or respect, and these things can remove the foundations of a relationship in their own right.
It is in your control.

[penona]

Have been thinking about this all weekend, am so sorry for you. Of course it's impossible for you to talk to anyone in RL, which must be making it worse.

We can never be certain about anyone. I think some of the confusing bits of his story (the SO register and the lock) have been cleared up now. But you will, as you say, never know what really happened in that room all those years ago.

Reading all of this again, there was, IMO, an excellent post by BLU on 4 Sept which asks some very very good questions for you to consider. I am not sure what else you can do now. Only you can decide what to do next. Good luck.

[Imfallingapart]

I haven't got anyone to turn to in RL... how can i tell people of his conviction and expect them to look at me in the same light again? How would you feel if your best friend confided that her DP had a conviction for this?

He looked drawn, haggered, shattered... like he'd not had much sleep. I'm supposed to be seeing him later but i'm not sure i can face it.

[Imfallingapart]

I'm sorry i haven't updated this thread over the weekend. As you might imagine, things have been quite fraught here, and i'm still trying to get my head around things.

A few things have happened over the weekend. Firstly, a couple of policemen came to see me on Saturday evening. I was able to ask them lots of questions and they were able to give me lots of information, which was useful. The case came to court at the end of August 1997, and by the time he was convicted, the judge was able to put him on the register. He was one of the first people in this area to have his name on it. I asked why it had taken so long to get to court and they said it was to do with psychiatric evaluations, ect.

Oviously, the police weren't able to tell me if he had asked the girl to touch him - all through questioning, and in court, he maintained that he had not. She of course, said otherwise. Apparently, it had not been his intention to babysit that night. He was with his girlfriend, and had nipped out to the shop, and on the way back he was cornered by his mothers friend who asked him to babysit as he owed her a favour. I asked why he hadn't locked the bathroom door if he was going to masturbate, and the officer said that although the bathroom had a lock on it, it had been broken in an incident a few weeks previously.

He (the police officer) said that he's had a good look at his file and in his experience he was not a danger to children. He seems to think he made a very stupid mistake, and the fact that he was neither sent to prison or has committed any other offence whatsoever was a positive sign.

On Sunday, DP came with all the paperwork he had. He left it with me and i read it through yesterday. It had copies of all the solicitors letters, and a psychiatric report.

To be honest, my head is still quite muddled. I'm still not sure what to think. I do think though, that only two people will ever know what happened in the bathroom that night, and one of them is lying.

I just don;t know what to do. I feel physically sick all the time, can't eat and am bearly sleping. I know i need to look after myself, but my head is so full of stuff at the moment i don't know what to think.

[HelenaBonhamCarter]

I would agree with you on that, but I don't think anyone HAS decided she is a liar. People are looking at every possibility.

[AccioPinotGrigio]

hi ggglimpopo - i didn't go to RNS

[ggglimpopo]

AccioPinotGrigio - sorry if I sound like a stalker, but I could have written your post (about the dutch family!) At the risk of sounding like a stalker, did you go to RNS?

IFA, I think you are doing the right thing seeing a police officer. What an awful situation. I really hope are able to sort this all out, one way or another. I am full of admiration and respect for how you seem to be handling this pragmatically, rather than doing the knee jerk panic thing that would lead to hysterics on all sides.

[wannaBe]

For me it's not the wanking that presents the issue. After all I'm sure that (whether we thing it appropriate or not) men (and boys) do wank in inappropriate places. As parents we have sex in our own homes and there is always a chance that a child could walk in. In fact I even remember reading a thread on mn from someone saying that they regularly put their kids in front of the tv on a Sunday morning so they can go upstairs and have sex, and it being followed by several other posts from people who do the same.

So if he had been in the bathroom masturbating and the twelve yo had walked in I could see that. I could also potentially see the parents calling the police if they'd come home and the twelve yo had said she'd walked in on him - some parents might just have a word but I can see some calling the police...

But where the story loses credibility for me is when he says the twelve yo asked him out, but the twelve yo said he'd asked her to touch it.

And at the end of the day, he was found guilty. At the point at which he is found guilty, there should be no questioning of the motives of a twelve year old.

Only the op can decide whether she wants to continue this relationship though. It is possible that he is of no danger to children after all, but given he has withheld such an important thing in his life from his partner, mother of his child, I would question what else he might have lied about.

He is not a victim here - the twelve year old is.