My world is crashing down... please help.

[Imfallingapart]

I've just had a message on FB from an aqquantance. She's saying that my DP has a conviction for sexually assaulting a child in 95/96. This would have been when DP was 17/18. I don't know what to think.. what to do.

I have a DS and a DD - not my DP's, and am heavily pregnant by DP.

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago, and i bumped into this woman, and introduced DP to her, little knowing that they already knew each other - she lived with his mother for a few years when younger until his mother discovered her in bed with her (the mothers) boyfriend. Since then, they have had no contact.

I don't know why this woman is saying this, i trust my DP implicitly, or i thought i did. We don't live together, but i have never ever had any doubts about him being around my children. We went to school together, and i've known him for years, and i don't remember anything like this coming to light, that said, i did move away for a year or so around the time it alledgedly happened.

So i know i need to ask him about it. I'm going to be seeing him later today. I need to know the truth. But what do i do if it is true? What if i am having a baby with a peadophile??

I'm sat here in tears and i just don't know what to do. Please help.

[Imfallingapart]

In a nutshell, itsmelord

I just can't believe this of him... or i don't want to.

[tobago04]

Why would she be really chatty,laughing and joking with you both if she thought he was a peadophile though?
Really sorry you are in this situation
Do think you need to let him know what she has said

[BlingLoving]

Why would you take the word of someone you don't know, who clearly has a slightly weird history with your DPs family and who is all friendly and chatty and nice to you one minute and then is sending you FB messages wanring you about your DP the next? Because I can tell you for sure that if I knew someone had done something inappropriate with a teenager in the past, I wouldn't be all friendly and perky when I bumped into him at a party 10 years later.

You're also taking her word when you admit that youv'e known DP your whole life and were only away for one year?! But I'm assuming you have a lot of friends and acqaintances who are the same seeing as you grew up together?

Personally, I'd be dismissing it, and warning DP that this woman is out there spreading rumours about him.

[Imfallingapart]

BlingLoving Right now i don't know what to think. I don't want to believe it's true, but what if i dismiss it and in years to come find out he's abused one of my kids? I know that sounds dramatic, but i'm scared. My heads all over the place, and the pregnncy hormones aren't helping.

I think what i shall do is go and see him and his mum. Ask them both outright. I need to know, and i don't think his mum would lie to me about something so serious.

[foofi]

I think that's the right thing to do. Even if you think you trust him completely, you have to be sure for the sake of your children.

Sorry you are having to go through this

[MmeLindt]

I agree with Bling. If it makes you feel more comfortable, then talk to the police. But it the woman is coming over as a bit weird.

The other thing that you can do is speak to the partner then go to the police station together stating that you are concerned that this woman is spreading lies about your partner.

If you talk to your partner and he refuses to tell you anything then that would be enough confirmation.

If you talk to your partner, and he tells you what went on then you have the advantage of hearing it from him first, and of having shown him that you trust him.

[wheniwishuponastar]

goodness. good luck. it sounds like you really need to try and deal with this in the calmest way possible.

if it turns out that he is (fairly) innocent, you can just say that you are pregnant, feeling hormonal and there is a lot of news about paedophiles at the moment (if he wants to know why you didn't trust him immediately).

is there anyone in RL you can take to go with you. Basically you just need to find out the truth. and i'd recommend doing that in the calmest way possible.

it sounds like on balance most people think, based on what you know of him, and how this woman has behaved, that it probably was fairly innocent. but you need to find out fairly soon so it can put your mind at rest. being stressed isn't good for you - sorry i know you will know this!

do you have anyone around you to support you?

[Imfallingapart]

No, i can't juat dismiss it.

I think i'm going to say to him that i need to ask him something, and i need for him to tell me the truth, and that if i later find out that he's lied to me when given the oppertunity to tell the truth, then that's it, the end. I'll tell him that i feel bad about having to ask, but that he should realise why i have to ask.

Does that sound ok?

If he tells me that it is true... well.. i don't know what i'm going to do. I guess that i'll have to question my entire relationship with him. If he tells me that it's not true then i will ask him to come to the police with me and we'll see what we can do about this woman spreading lies.

[midnightexpress]

Personally I think I'd see what the police have to say first. If they can tell you no, this man doesn't have a criminal record (which I presume they can. They just may not be able to tell you if he does iyswim), then you can leave it, apart perhaps from dealing with the woman in some way. There's a lot at stake, and I don't think it's easy to guage how anyone would react to being asked something like that.

[2rebecca]

I find it odd that asking him wasn't the first thing you did. As you call him your partner I presume you live with him. If someone sent me a message like that I would instantly tell my husband what had happened and ask him about it and see it as something "we" had to tackle rather than my problem, otherwise it's not much of a partnership.

[wheniwishuponastar]

i think it sounds ok... you have to do what feels right for you in the situation.

be prepared for him to say, yes, i was charged, but it was because he had an underage girlfriend.

would you still need concrete proof that this was all it was?

what did you say to the woman on facebook? did you reply? would you ask her any more questions?

[MmeLindt]

That sounds good, Iamfalling.

I would suggest that you try to persuade him to go straight to the police station with you. That will give you definite proof (which you will need for your peace of mind).

If he does not want to go to the police, then he is trying to hide something.

[BitOfFun]

I don't think the OP lives with him , 2rebecca.

[BlingLoving]

Discuss it with DP and/or his mum by all means, but I find it disturbing that everyone is so quick to assume that he's probably lying. I understand you have to address it - of course - and when I said "dismiss" it I didn't mean ignore it. But please don't go in assuming he's lying.

[Imfallingapart]

No - we don't live together yet. We are planning on doing so, in a couple of months time, before the baby comes. I couldn't speak to him straight away as he's working nights at the moment, and he took his mum to a hospital appointment this morning. I'm not able to see him until after i put my DS in school later.

[Imfallingapart]

I haven't replied to the woman on facebook at all. To be honest, i don't trust myself to. All my instincts are screaming that she's trouble making and out to stir, but what if she's not? I feel physically sick, i can't eat and have been having a few crampy pains at the bottom of my bump, but i'll be fine.

It just feels like my worlds crashing down around me and i can't stop it.

[BlingLoving]

I meant she shouldn't take it overly seriously or over dramatazie it. Discussing it with DP, yes. But I'd be discussing it from the perspective of "this crazy woman says xxx, I can't believe it and don't want to believe it but think you should know about it and that we should clarify what it is she may be talking about".

I just see no reason to assume the worst nor to trust this woman's email, when she clearly has a history and is a bit strange, over DP who the OP has known her whole life.

I will be shouted down but I don't care. I wish we could all give mean a bit more benefit of the doubt. I agree with someone else on here who made the point that if they've both been part of the local community for years it's unlikely this is the first she'd hear of something like this.

[wheniwishuponastar]

try to stay calm OP (for your baby's sake), you will get to the bottom of it.

personally if it was making me sick i would go down the police station and find out exactly what has happened.

but maybe if you arent feeling great, this wouldnt be good.

look after yourself.