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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My world is crashing down... please help.

237 replies

Imfallingapart · 03/09/2009 08:47

I've just had a message on FB from an aqquantance. She's saying that my DP has a conviction for sexually assaulting a child in 95/96. This would have been when DP was 17/18. I don't know what to think.. what to do.

I have a DS and a DD - not my DP's, and am heavily pregnant by DP.

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago, and i bumped into this woman, and introduced DP to her, little knowing that they already knew each other - she lived with his mother for a few years when younger until his mother discovered her in bed with her (the mothers) boyfriend. Since then, they have had no contact.

I don't know why this woman is saying this, i trust my DP implicitly, or i thought i did. We don't live together, but i have never ever had any doubts about him being around my children. We went to school together, and i've known him for years, and i don't remember anything like this coming to light, that said, i did move away for a year or so around the time it alledgedly happened.

So i know i need to ask him about it. I'm going to be seeing him later today. I need to know the truth. But what do i do if it is true? What if i am having a baby with a peadophile??

I'm sat here in tears and i just don't know what to do. Please help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imfallingapart · 04/09/2009 09:30

I do understand where you're coming from, NPAM. I've known for years that DP's mums husband was caught in bed with someone - he freely admitted it too - i just didn't know it was her until the day i bumped into her, iyswim? It was only after i'd introduced them and she'd gone off to dance that DP said to me 'You do know who that was, don't you?', so it's not something that was made up on the spur of the moment yesterday.

OP posts:
CyradisTheSeer · 04/09/2009 09:44

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junkcollector · 04/09/2009 10:11

Have you checked the dates? They seem slightly off. The sex offenders register was only started in 1997. He is 32 now so was 17/18 in 1995.

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/09/2009 10:22

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skihorse · 04/09/2009 10:26

shineon He was convicted - but the only proof I can imagine there could've been was "her word" - however valid or invalid. If this went to trial then a jury chose her word over his. It's not like there was CCTV/DNA or other real tangible evidence.

Things are not always black and white.

As a former policewoman I would have expected you to be more knowledgeable about "domestic" crimes than anyone. My best friend is a policewoman and day-in, day-out deals with bullshit stories told by someone to "get back" at someone else. E.g., a classic I remember is her working NYE and 2 teenage girls roll up saying they've been raped by x & y. By 5pm New Year's Day it becomes apparent that they had consensual sex... but were going to miss their curfew and the wrath of daddy would ensue. Then there's all the "my sister stole my fucking boyfriend blah blah".

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/09/2009 10:28

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GypsyMoth · 04/09/2009 10:30

shineon......as i already said,i was in the job few years back too,the met. a man like this (no register then) was in our locality...had comitted offences like this with girls...

had a callout....young nurse had found the dead boy in a black bin liner,he was 8 years old...i had the job of being almost first on scene so SAW HIS DEAD BODY AFTER HE HAD BEEN SEXUALLY ASSAULTED THEN STRANGLED.....these men can/do go n to more serious offences. that image will stay with me,paedophile was jailed obviously .. but ss had also said previously 'not a danger' etc...

why does nobody listen??

GypsyMoth · 04/09/2009 10:33

skihorse....most paedophiles start with small offences and move on.....there perversion grows with them. they aren't cured. so what he did as a teenager,may well progress eventually to more serious crimes.when opportunity arises,or they grom....either way,op has kids under same roof.....you'd take the chance would you?

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/09/2009 10:34

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skihorse · 04/09/2009 10:46

IMO a masterbating 17 year old is a light year away from a predatory paedophile - but then I never really was interested in persecution and banner-waving.

We don't know all the facts - if this 12 year old was as "developed and keen" as I was at 12 I believe it's different.

Only the girl in question and the OP's OH will ever really know the truth of what went on. I do however find it extremely odd that this girl approached them with a "smirk". I've been raped twice - I saw one of the men again at a train station in London and my legs gave way from underneath me - I did NOT swagger up and introduce myself to his partner!

For the record, my OH has served prison time for violence - when he was young and stupid - but I won't be spending the rest of my life beating him with this metaphorical stick!

skihorse · 04/09/2009 10:48

PS His violent "crime" is also a very grey area. He was in the army just about to be shipped to Iraq and him and 2 friends (Scottish) had a fight with 3 english lads in Catterick on a Friday night at closing time. Does this make him a dangerous criminal or is it just something that stupid young lads in the army do?

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/09/2009 10:58

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skihorse · 04/09/2009 11:14

In my view yes, "being keen" is akin to "asking for it" - and boy did I at 12!

I just think that OP has been dealt quite a blow here - she needs to gather facts and analyse them. The last thing she needs is a bunch of harpies on the internet marching to downing street waving banners reading "Deff to peedalos!" demanding that she "think of the children". Whatever decision she comes to she needs to do it herself - not be bullied by strangers waving paranoia rather than facts.

wannaBe · 04/09/2009 11:32

op's dp is not a paedophile - he is a sex offender. There is a difference...

But that aside, op tbh I would go and speak to the police and get their take on the matter. Just because he's told you that's what happened, doesn't mean that it necessarily is how it happened. Remember he withheld this information from you, and you've trusted him, it's entirely possible that he's told you his version of events, and has offered to have a crb check etc hoping that you will trust that he is being honest with you and won't take the matter any further.

Now, I think it is entirely possible for a twelve year old to have a crush on a seventeen year old. But I also think that the trend on this thread towards thinking the twelve year old made it up is really scary. At the end of the day, the man was convicted of a sexual offence. It went to court and he was found guilty. Did he appeal? and if not, why not?

So as far as we should be concerned, he is guilty, and the child was innocent. The issue here is more whether the op can live with him knowing that he is a convicted sex offender, whether she still feels she can trust him around her children. And really, only the op can decide that.

HolyGuacamole · 04/09/2009 11:36

at this thread. So sorry OP that you have found this out about someone that you obviously care about

Regardless of what a bunch of 'harpies' on the net think of what might or might not have actually happened, if this was me, there is no way this man would be in my life.

The facts in this case that we absolutely can say for certain: he was found guilty.

Anything else is heresay or word of mouth over the years. Was there any appeal over his guilt?

Would I take that chance with my children - no way, ever! And it is a chance.

wheniwishuponastar · 04/09/2009 11:49

its very difficult. there is a risk in just about everything. is anyone completely without risk?
people do things who have no previous history, can you ever be totally sure you are safe?

i would definitely advocate some therapy for all involved.

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/09/2009 11:52

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StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 04/09/2009 11:55

No way would this guy still be in my life, sorry. I see that the lorry driver who just assulted then killed his 9yo "step daughter" had previous "minor" convictions for sexual assualt, I think against a child.

wannaBe · 04/09/2009 11:59

yes but some risks are more known than others.

No perhaps we can never be totally sure, but when you know that someone has already been convicted of a sexual offence against a child then surely that makes you less sure of that someone than of someone who has never done anything like that?

And aside from the crime he has committed there would be a trust issue for me. He has lied to op - well maybe not lied but has omitted to reveal something so very serious about himself, presumably in the belief that she would never have found out. I don't imagine he had any intentions of telling her until he was confronted with it. So if he could lie about that, what else has he not told her about?

The crime would perhaps not bother me so much if he'd been up front about it from the beginning, because it would show that he had perhaps made an error of judgement (however stupid) and regretted it and had no intentions of doing it again. But withholding that information would make me wonder why he wanted to keep it a secret, and whether he might be likely to offend again..

wheniwishuponastar · 04/09/2009 12:02

personally i think you need to find out as much as possible - see the court records, maybe have some space to think everything through.

dittany · 04/09/2009 12:05

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Pennies · 04/09/2009 12:25

Imfallingapart - what a truly horrible situation to be in. I do sincerely feel for you.

What I think you should also consider is how this could affect the rest of your family.

Obviously I don't know the circumstances of your DC's access with their father, but you should bear in mind that if there is any animosity between you and your ex and you do choose to stay with your current DP then should your children's father get wind of this he might use the information to cause a major rift, with some very serious consequences.

Sorry, it's not really particularly positive advice but perhaps something you should also bear in mind.

blinder · 04/09/2009 12:39

I think there is a big difference between

  1. a 17 yo boy having a quick wank before babysitting and being unexpectedly walked in on - therefore inadvertantly exposing himself to a child, and
  1. a 17 yo boy asking a 12 yo to touch his stiffy.

I'm afraid I would want to see the court records for myself, especially the summing up. To be brutal, I would want to know if he continued to masturbate to climax in front of this girl.

I would be taking a break from the relationship until I was able to find this out. Your (D)P should have told you about this much sooner.

I also wonder if it would be possible for him to request the psychiatric notes, which will give you more information about what happened and why.

Good luck OP. Make sure you get some time to relax during the pregnancy .

MaDuggar · 04/09/2009 12:44

This was on my mind all night :9 and i did some thinking about it.

If I was a 12 year old girl who walked in on a 17 year old wanking, Id have been hideously embarassed! Id have got out of there so fast & hid in my room til my mum came home. I would not have then asked him on a date!!!

I dont know, but surely a 17 year who has been walked in on by a kid would also be hideously embarassed? Surely the reaction would be to hide what you were doing & try to close the door, mush like if you were on the toilet? And why on earth would you feel horny enough to wank in a toilet when you are surrounded by 6 children? It doesnt matter if he had been with his GF just before, being responsible for 6 kids, some of which are up & awake, is surely enough to kill the need to wank?

I think you need to find out more sides to this story, especially the "official" version.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 04/09/2009 12:47

I only have one piece of advice, OP: please don't take anything posted here too seriously. I hope you are getting advice from some RL people who are better qualified to help you than some of the posters here.

Mumsnet is fabulous in many ways but there are times when it can also be quite dangerous, in that people post here anonymously and largely without consequences. It can be frightening, and it can also sometimes give you a distorted impression of what constitutes a reasonable and appropriate response to a situation like yours.

I'm not saying you shouldn't turn to this or other threads for support, I'd just hate to think it is your main source. Fervently hope you are going to find a way through this very difficult situation. All best to you and your family.