My world is crashing down... please help.

[Imfallingapart]

I've just had a message on FB from an aqquantance. She's saying that my DP has a conviction for sexually assaulting a child in 95/96. This would have been when DP was 17/18. I don't know what to think.. what to do.

I have a DS and a DD - not my DP's, and am heavily pregnant by DP.

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago, and i bumped into this woman, and introduced DP to her, little knowing that they already knew each other - she lived with his mother for a few years when younger until his mother discovered her in bed with her (the mothers) boyfriend. Since then, they have had no contact.

I don't know why this woman is saying this, i trust my DP implicitly, or i thought i did. We don't live together, but i have never ever had any doubts about him being around my children. We went to school together, and i've known him for years, and i don't remember anything like this coming to light, that said, i did move away for a year or so around the time it alledgedly happened.

So i know i need to ask him about it. I'm going to be seeing him later today. I need to know the truth. But what do i do if it is true? What if i am having a baby with a peadophile??

I'm sat here in tears and i just don't know what to do. Please help.

[BlingLoving]

Obviously my righteous indignation would work better if I didn't have typos!

[Imfallingapart]

Thank you for all your wise words. I'm going to go now for a bit... i just need to get my head around it all, but i will update later this afternoon, when i can.

[retiredlady]

You are not going to get any piece of mind until you do know the truth. But you need to find out the truth in a way that has the least potential for damaging any of your current relationships.

I think a quick visit to the police station is the way to go myself becuase if the allegation is true you need to know and if your source is lying she need to be warned off by somebody impartial.

[Fimbo]

I agree about looking for old newspaper reports.

[JRocks]

I think it's best to go to the police for peace of mind, it's horrible but you need to know. Asking him will upset him if he's innocent and possibly cause him to lie if not.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Yes it would be nice to give men the benefit of the doubt. That would be great if so many men didn't abuse children.
I'm not saying IFA's DH has abused a child, but I'm saying that an allegation like this should never be ignored, however well you feel you know the man. My friend's little brother abused her daughter. He was 16. If you had asked her before whether he could have done that...well. Ask yourself. But he had - and so do thousands of other men. The 'benefit of the doubt' puts children in danger.

[CantThinkofFunnyName]

I have a convicted paedophile who lives next door to me. He was convicted for assaulting his 3 year old niece and sentenced to 9 months imprisonment. He was released after 6 weeks and came to live with his very elderly mother, my next door neighbour. However, it came to light after his trial that his illness started - or first came to fruition when he was 15. He was convicted when he was 56. Over the years he apparently abused many many children - but never successfully taken to trial. He married and had stepchildren, who he still has access to, despite holding pornographic images of his 2 stepchildren (boys).

When I was informed that he was a convicted paedophile (by another neighbour), I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking, maybe it was sex with an underage girl (which is entirely different in my book). When he started "grooming" my son, I contacted the police to express my concerns and request further information.

The justice system, unfortunately, does not always work in our favour and the benefit of the doubt should NEVER be used over allegations such as this.

I'm sure it will all be innocent OP, but you are doing the right thing in "talking" about your feelings and trying to work out the best approach to this. At least you are not acting like a bull in a china shop - one way or the other.

Do let us know how you get on. This must be a living hell for you right now {virtual hugs}

[wheniwishuponastar]

Blimey cantthink - what have you done about your neighbour now? obviously you keep him away from your children?

[CantThinkofFunnyName]

The old saying "better the devil you know". We have had to "educate" the children about society. They are watched intently by us. We tried to move last year but couldn't sell, so are stuck here for now and I have another on the way - so no moving for a while! We have an injunction out against him though forbidding him to come within a certain distance of the fence, not allowed to approach the children, talk to them etc. We were only able to get this, via the police, because of his approaches to my son though. If he hadn't done that, we couldn't have done a thing!

[QuintessentialShadows]

How well do you really know this woman?

Or put differently, how well does she know you?

There are some evil people out there, who knows what buttons to push. This must be very unsettling for you.

I would not involve dp yet if I were you. Possibly not at all, if there is nothing on his record to suggest that there is any truth in what she says. Then leave it, and look upon it as a malicious attack designed to upset you, from a jealous cowbag.

[GypsyMoth]

in my former police days we had a paedophile on our patch. he'd been released,previous assaults.so all we could do was watch. he went from assaulting,to murder....it made me leave the force i'm afraid,seeing the result. an 8 year old boy....he'd formerly asaulted girls.

take NO chances here....find out.

[wheniwishuponastar]

i'd say find out. then you will know what to do. you can either share with your dp that this woman has been spreading malicious rumours. or act accordingly.

[TwoPersephone]

Find out. From the police not his mum. Were it me i would take a screen shot of the accusation, and if its not true I would be pressing charges against the woman. Who else may she have told? If it is true then at least you know.

[CantThinkofFunnyName]

I second TwoPersephone. You may trust his mother, but IME, mothers can be in denial about this type of behaviour. The police would be best. And if there was never any conviction, you never need raise the issue again.

[mathanxiety]

The friend sounds like a flake, but you now have to find out, right? Don't ask him, go and find out from the police or the relevant court records. If it turns out to be true and it looks bad (as opposed to two teenagers, mutual consent) then you have to go from there.

[Imfallingapart]

Right. I have spoken to him. It is indeed true.

When i asked him about it, he admitted it straight away and never tried to deny it or hide it.

This is what he says happened... His mothers friend from a few doors down asked him to babysit one evening while she went to bingo. He was 17, not far off 18, and was looking after 7 children altogether, including a 12 year old girl.

He says he went to the toilet, and as teenage boys do, masturbated - he'd not long come back from his girlfriends at the time and was feeling quite amorous. The twelve year old girl walked into the bathroom and caught him masturbating. He was mortified and embarrassed, but she just laughed and asked him if he'd go out with her. He said no, and rang the mother to come back from bingo early saying he wasn't well, which she did and he went home.

Five weeks later - he'd turned 18 by then - the police arrived and took him in for questioning. The girl had said that he was masturbating in front of her and had asked her to touch him. He was charged with gross indecency in front of a minor. It went to court, and he was found guilty and sentanced to a years community service and placed on the sex offenders register for a year.

After he had told me this, i went inside - we were in my car - and spoke to his mother, who basically told me this word for word. She also said that it was a coincidence that she was moved so quickly - she had applied for a transfer months before and it came through the week after DP went to court - she verified this by showing me the documentation re. the transfer, as in when it was applied for ect.

Further talking to DP revealed that he had been sent to see a psychiatrist, and had atteneded every appointment, and the psychiatrist concluded that he was of no danger to children.

He has a son, who's ten now and because of his conviction, social services became involved, and they took think he is of no danger to children.

He is extremely sorry that he never told me, that i had to find out like this, he said he just didn't know how to tell me. He said he'd be willing to get a CRB check done so that i can see exactly what he was convicted of.

Me - i'm angry, sad..feel used. He's certainly not the man i thought he was. I'm not sure where, if anywhere we can go from here. How can i trust him? How do i in all confidence let him be around my children... is there always going to be a niggling doubt there? I just don't know how i feel at the moment.

[LottaRump]

oh gawd. So just in the middle bit of your post, can you clarify, that he DOES have access to his 10 year old son and social services are happy with that?

[Imfallingapart]

Yes, he has access and see's him most days.

[CantThinkofFunnyName]

OP - you know what, I wouldn't feel angry, sad, used - all the emotions you are going through. He has been honest with you - quite clearly and separately his mother has confirmed the story, as you say, word for word. I don't know him - but I believe him from how you've written this post. Indeed, I feel sorry for him. For all of the hassle he has been put through over the years and let's face it - teenage girls (particularly those that have been shunned) can make up these kind of stories.

There shouldn't be a niggling doubt. He has not betrayed you. He just didn't tell you this - I can understand why under the circumstances.

Of course you need to work out your feelings but IMO, you may be a little unjust... [hug]

[wheniwishuponastar]

blimey. well from his point of view it sounds like a mis-understanding.
how old is he now? sorry i can't do the maths...

[Imfallingapart]

I know.. that's the thing, i know. I just never really thought that it might be true.

I guess i'm just scared... what if i take a chance on him, knowing this... and i make a bad decision?

Gah, my heads all over the place, at the moment. Hormones aren't helping, either.

[Imfallingapart]

He's 32 now.

[CantThinkofFunnyName]

Must be just awful for you - can't begin to put myself in your shoes. Well, you don't live with him, which at the moment is a blessing. You will have space and time to consider everything. Perhaps a few days break from seeing him/talking to him might enable you to put everything into perspective? If you still have doubts and question your judgement, perhaps you may realise you just don't love him enough to "take the chance". Alternatively, if every part of you screams, don't be stupid, of course its all ok, then your decision should be easy.

[wheniwishuponastar]

wasn't there a lock on the bathroom door?

however, seems strange that he would intentionally do something with 6 other children there.

i guess i'd want to know more about why he was found guilty.