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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can you tell if your DH/DP is having an affair?

266 replies

HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 21:50

What are the 'give aways' of someone having an affair?

I have had some slightly suspicious feelings for a while now about DH and a person he works with. (I will call her X for now)

I have never had cause to not trust him before and TBH I don't have cause to not trust him now. BUT .......things don't feel right with regards to X.

There are many things like this that I am adding up and maybe I am coming to the wrong answer but I have NEVER felt like this at all in the 11 years we have been together (Married for 4 years)

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 20/09/2008 21:51

What's been happening? Why are you suspicious?

foxinsocks · 20/09/2008 21:52

keeping mobile v close to hand all the time

dunno

would suggest you sit down and talk to him - you've been with him a long time and I imagine your best way of knowing what is going on is by his reactions to what you ask?

it's awful to have suspicions though because he could be perfectly innocent

BitOfFun · 20/09/2008 21:53

Staying out?

New interests?

Personal grooming/clothes purchases?

Wanting to go out without you?

Mobile phone closely guarded/on silent/always wiped of messages?

What are the concerns you have? Anything concrete? Hope you are ok x

VaginaShmergina · 20/09/2008 21:54

Taking more of an interest in his personal appearnace, buying his own clothes or underwear when you normally do, working unusual hours, social engagements increasing, mobile phone secrecy, showering/bath as soon as he comes home, buying you gifts more often....... me thinks me sounds like an experienced voice

Ewe · 20/09/2008 21:55

I think gut instinct plays a huge role here. What is he doing that concerns you?

georgimama · 20/09/2008 21:57

You can't. But if there is a particular person who makes you uneasy, one of 4 things is likely to happening:

  1. Nothing is going on and you are being paranoid.

  2. She fancies your husband but nothing is going on.

  3. He fancies her but nothing is going on.

  4. They are having an affair.

Numbers 2 or 3 can easily lead to number 4.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 20/09/2008 22:00

Lack of intimacy with you could be a sign, along with those already highlighted.

I do hope that you are wrong and it's just a blip

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 22:08

When X started working at his office all he ever did was talk about how great X was. This alone never bothered me, but he has stopped talking about her. She is a nice person I get on well with her so i can see why DH talked about her loads.

DH left his mobile at home on Friday and she rang the phone, I answered it and she sounded very flustered saying that she just wanted to talk to DH, but she works with him why cant she talk to him at work??
Also just seen on her facebook something that has put my heart in my mouth. (I don't want to say in case someone recognizes me)

He has gone off sex completely and utterly gone of it.

I am to admit I checked his text messages and nothing incriminating from her but a lot of inuendo type ones from a guy he works with regarding X

OP posts:
georgimama · 20/09/2008 22:11

Ah, mentionitis followed by silence. Sorry, I think you are right to be suspicious. Can you ask him? Or trap him?

Was the call on Friday during the day or in the evening?

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 22:13

I have always felt that he fancies her, things like this have never bothered me as I have always trusted DH. It is this on top of all the other little things that keeps popping up that have made me think.

He has been going out more with his work mates and staying out late. He has had his hair cut, for the first time in years. He has always bought his own clothes so I cant see any different there.

there were no sent text messages on his phone so looks like he has deleted those and kept the received text messages.

I really hope I am being paranoid.

OP posts:
beanieb · 20/09/2008 22:13

so you were pissed off when he talked about her and now you are pissed off because he doesn't?

on the other handd - could be suspicious?

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 22:18

She called during the day on Friday, I was just putting DD down for her nap and was a little out of breath from running around trying to find his phone. I could hear it but not see it so maybe she thought I was pissed off or something.

The odd thing is, on DH's phone her number is in the phone book under her name but when the phone was ringing is was an unknown number.

OP posts:
ambercat · 20/09/2008 22:19

God i would be confronting him if i were you doesn't sound good to me.

Ohforfoxsake · 20/09/2008 22:19

Something like this can eat you up. I've had a couple of instances where I've been suspicious of DP. I came to the conclusion that he had behaved inappropriately by flirting, but hadn't taken it any further, so I didn't confront him.

I think you should ask him about it. Especially if you have seen something on facebook. You should ask him about that directly, but don't let on you've looked on his phone, that will turn the tables.

Ewe · 20/09/2008 22:21

She was prob phoning from office, my office phone comes up unknown as does my office mobile.

Hassled · 20/09/2008 22:21

If I were you I would be feeling exactly as you are. There probably are complicated ways you could try to trap him but really you need to sit him down and explain how you're feeling. If you're wrong, he will be very upset and hurt but that's something you can get past; the alternative is a long, painful period of just not knowing. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 22:22

beanie, I was not at all pissed off when he talked about her, I never said that. DH talking about other women has NEVER bothered me cos I have always trusted him. It was when he stopped talking about her and all these other little things started happening that I got suspicious. It is like he wants to hide something.

OP posts:
DKMA · 20/09/2008 22:24

I would be more suspicious if when she called it came up with a blokes name like 'bob' or 'dave' (I know blokes that do this with their ow's numbers) as it came up unknown - he hasn't got that number on his phone - possible she was ringing from a different number in the office - or from home?
The facebook thing has really bothered you though - can you hint about what it was?

beanieb · 20/09/2008 22:27

but when the phone was ringing is was an unknown number- isn't this a good thing. If he was hiding it then he would store it under a false name?

misselizabethbennett · 20/09/2008 22:28

If by 'unknown number' you mean there was no number at all, this could be because she was dialling from the office.

And lots of people set up phones not to save sent messages, so he hasn't necessarily deleted them. Also, if he had something to hide wouldn't he delete the suggestive messages from his colleague?

That said, I'd be checking his call history pretty thoroughly and would probably be feeling sick right now in your position. I'm really sorry - I know how horrible it is to be suddenly suspicious after a long time of total security.

When you say they work together, are they physically close to each other - I'm trying to work out why she'd be calling his mobile during the day rather than speaking direct or calling his extension number.

beanieb · 20/09/2008 22:29

Seriously - you could be barking up the wrong tree, so long as the number she called on was the same as the number he has in the address book. Can't see any logical reason why she would call on a different number if it was illicit. Do you have other reasons to suspect? You may have other reasons I guess but this alone may just be an innocent work related thing.

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 22:29

The facebook thing was, when you do a status update, she said something about being alone and a bloke from their office replied with some 'inuendoish' thing along the lines of yeah it would be good for you if Y (my DH) was there with you.

I mean it could all be a big office 'joke', you know like an 'in joke'. I could just be paranoid. Or he could just not love me or want me anymore.

I mean he wont even give me a kiss or a cuddle without me asking or making the first move, then it seems as if I am putting him out

OP posts:
DKMA · 20/09/2008 22:31

Oh no - ok - I would defo ask him about the fb thing then.
Could be that she like's him and everyone in the office is taking the piss out of her etc.
Best to ask him I reckon.

ShinyPinkShoes · 20/09/2008 22:32

I would change his mobile phone settings to save sent messages and check it over the next few days.

Alarm bells would be ringing for me I'm afraid

beanieb · 20/09/2008 22:33

sorry - I just think that sometimes people are quick to validate people's fears. it really could be nothing at all and unless you have other reasons to suspect, don't let other people fuel possible paranoia. You need to assess the whole situation and not get carried away by thinking all sorts of scenarios.

I now how shit it is to have others say you're paranoid but is it possible that you've let your mind run away with you. Sorry if that sounds partronising but I speak from experience.

Are you happy together? Are there other suspicions?

I hope it all ends up well.

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