How can you tell if your DH/DP is having an affair?

[HelpMNINeedYou]

What are the 'give aways' of someone having an affair?

I have had some slightly suspicious feelings for a while now about DH and a person he works with. (I will call her X for now)

I have never had cause to not trust him before and TBH I don't have cause to not trust him now. BUT .......things don't feel right with regards to X.

There are many things like this that I am adding up and maybe I am coming to the wrong answer but I have NEVER felt like this at all in the 11 years we have been together (Married for 4 years)

You could approach it from that angle, that there is no affection any more, and see where that goes.

Or you could just blurt it out to him.

Or you could do what I did once and phone the OW and ask her outright.

No I don't have any other reasons to think that something is going on or likely to go on. It is all little things that keep happening nothing big or concrete. They are things that I don't think of at the time and then later on when i add all the 'little things' up together I get a bigger picture.

It's hard to explain.

ok - just read the facebook thing, not sure what i would think - sorry.

I'm afraid I would go all detective. Get his phone bills and check them for any late night/long calls that stand out...

I had a boyfriend who had affairs years ago (actually before mobiles!) and I have to say the burning sick feelings in my stomach were never wrong -

Confrontations are extremely hard if you're not sure- men are great liars.

I do however hope it turns out to be nothing fellow MNer.

Chin up, be cool ice queen and be vigilant

I would say you definatley have grounds to ask some questions about the goings on.

You have enough evidence dont you, put the ball in his court if he tries to brush it under the carpet, ask him how he would feel if he had seen the same thing, the phonecall etc. You know him well enough to know if he is squirming !

I really hope its all a bit of ribbing by the office.

I wrote it all down, just helped me manage my paranoia.

Foxy I think I'd prob do that too!!
Honesty is the best policy imo - your feeling this way for a reason - perhaps you are being a little paranoid - but that you have your reasons.
I'd be in the blurt it all out - let him know how your feeling camp!

We are happy together, well I am happy (apart from this) and he seems happy.

Although TBH I do feel like he is slipping away from me, emotionally and physically.

"It's hard to explain. " I know. I guess go by instinct if you really know you are not over thinking and getting in a tizz uneccesarily.

Hope it all works out. It's one of the hardest things, because who really knows if someone is willingly pulling the wool over another person's eyes.

Do you think you could talk to him about it, at the very least the no sex thing? Maybe if you approach it from that angle you could get a better idea of the reasons?

Firstly, was it definitely your DH that the colleague was referring to on Facebook - could it be someone else with the same name?

Secondly, is this the same colleague who sent the texts to your DH's phone? It could be that he is just a shit-stirrer and possibly jealous of your DH's friendship with this woman.

Thirdly - your DH could have a problem with your relationship that is nothing to do with this woman, hence being a bit distant.

Or, there could be some low-level flirting going on and there is still time to nip this in the bud.

In your shoes I would need no help at all in thinking the worst, and it might help to consider whether there is any possibility of an innocent explanation for what's happened.

sorry if I sound patronising - just that I suffer from a fair bit of intermittent paranoia and I have to work hard to stop it.

Is the lack of sex/intimacy because you've got comfortable and out of the habit? I mean, before you got suspicious.

off topic - Ohforfoxsake - fab name!

Just read all thread and got the sick, in the stomach feeling, I got when I found out my h was having an affair.

My h talked about a woman he worked with alot - how funny she is, how pretty she is, how well they get on - then suddenly, he stopped talking about her.

Now I know the whole story, that is when the affair started.

I am not saying that is what is going on with your dh but alot of what you have said is ringing very loud alarm bell for me.

Someone earlier said to change his phone settings to save sent messages - I did that, and found some interesting texts sent. He was so shocked when I told him I knew about the texts!

Sometimes a woman has to do what a woman has to do - you need to know one way or another.

Truly hope he isn't! I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

The thing is I know DH very well (better than he realizes) and if I just blurted it out or confronted him or even tried to speak to him about it he will clam up. The shutters will come down and that will be it, I would never be able to broach it with him again.

However, I don't know if this is a sign of a guilty consience (SP?) or hurt that I would think like this.

I can be easily fooled when it comes to people I love, I have been easily fooled.

He knows that an affair is one of the two things that would spell the end for us. i would NEVER be able to be with him if something like this has happened, so he is hardly going to admit to anything is he.

OTOH, he knows things like crushes and fancying other people have never bothered me as at the end of the day he is coming home with me and I had the utmost trust for him.

At the minute I don't feel like I trust him.

Here are some that I have read. Not all of them happened when my DH had an affair but these are common.

1. Cheating partner goes off sex or they have a high sex drive with their partner. We had sex 5 times a week when he was having an affair. This was my doing but he never said no.

1. They hide their phone. Again he didn't and when I checked I couldn't find a thing.

1. They do things to annoy their partner - to have arguments on purpose. Mine did this. It was horrible as we got on so well and still do.

1. He lost shed loads of weight and cared about his apperance. This is common.

1. This is personal to me but he was just not into me i.y.k.w.i.m. He stopped bothering to come in when I was in the shower or pinch my bottom when I walked past. These things I didn't really notice until after I found out and thought it through.

1. I would catch him smiling to himself. It would be like he was in another world.

1. He was very helpful and attentive at times.

I can't think of anymore right now. Hope that helps and I hope you are wrong, but I am here to talk.

WhirlingStirliing - sorry to hear your story.

peple can get the suspicions and feeling in the stomach,and it not be anything at all though.

I also truly hope HelpMNINeedYou's suspicions aren't correct. Am wary about all the whole changing numbers thing... it may just lead to nothing.

I don't think you have a choice but to speak to him. It may be that what you say makes him come to his senses (if he was thinking about doing something or if he has done something) and that will be the end of it. Even if you just start with the 'is everything ok, I've noticed you've been a bit different lately' line.

misse, there are only 6 people who work in DH's office he is the only one with his name. Yes it was the same guy who sent the inuendo texts to him.

I am hoping that it is just some sort of 'in joke'. this is the first time DH has worked in an office. I have worked in offices since leaving school (So a very long time ) so I know how office 'politics' work I know that things like ribbing, shit stirring etc happen.

I am REALLY hoping that it is this and I am being paranoid.

I just cannot get past the fact that I have never felt 'threatened' by another woman before. I have never worried about this as I have always trusted DH. It is eating me up.

"The thing is I know DH very well (better than he realizes) and if I just blurted it out or confronted him or even tried to speak to him about it he will clam up"

ok - then don't do this. It's probably what he is expecting anyway as he knows you as he knows you know him. If you really are suspicious then you have to 'trap' him I uess, and that means not being like he exoects. Is there really any need to do this though if your suspicions have little foundation?

I have no idea what it is like to be in this situation (despite my mass paranoia ) but I can completely understand the need to know/find out.

If there is no other reason (truly!) to suspect then try to rest easy, but talk to him too about the intimacy issues. perhaps he feels the same and you are in a rut which could easily be soved with some frank and non acusatory discussion?

expects.. sorry

Thank you everyone, I never expected so many replies.

Foxinsocks I really like the line you have given me ('is everything ok, I've noticed you've been a bit different lately' line. ) I can see myself asking this. I will try tomorrow. Thanks.

I would love to have the guts to ask him outright but I am cowardly when it comes to these things. I don't want to go down the road of catching him out either. I do know that I am gonna have to ask him though, I will need to work up the courage.

the fact is you don't know

you can either sniff out some evidence

or you can rely on the trust that you have in your relationship and carry on.

I go mad wondering so I tend to sniff out.... but

it is very possible with facebook to perhaps wrongly interpret
a photo or posting so go carefully....

Perhaps you should give him the benefit of the doubt because of your history of faith and trust.

can you tell I'm a libra swinging one way or the other? Really you know the details you probably need a good friend to talk it out with someone who knows both of you well. It will be a good test for your faith in any intuitive feelings you are getting.- by saying it aloud you can tell whether you really believe what your saying.

good luck

lol X posts beanie.

You are right, some frank,non acusatory discussion is what is needed. I now just need the courage.

I wonder if I am missing the intimacy and I am putting 2+2 together from that and coming up with 5.

Never ask outright unless you have absolute evidence, because people will lie.

You may be putting 2 and 2 toghether ang getting a perfect 4 but until you are sure you are then you wil have wool pulled over your eyes unless he is a useless liar.

hopefully it's nothing, I hope it is.