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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can you tell if your DH/DP is having an affair?

266 replies

HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 21:50

What are the 'give aways' of someone having an affair?

I have had some slightly suspicious feelings for a while now about DH and a person he works with. (I will call her X for now)

I have never had cause to not trust him before and TBH I don't have cause to not trust him now. BUT .......things don't feel right with regards to X.

There are many things like this that I am adding up and maybe I am coming to the wrong answer but I have NEVER felt like this at all in the 11 years we have been together (Married for 4 years)

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 20/09/2008 23:09

What do you want to happen? You say that if you find he is having an affair it will be the end, do you want to find out or could you live with the not knowing if you can't find out?

I ask because how you deal with this has to some effect be the way you want the out come to be in the end.

Do you want him back with out find out whether or not he is playing away?

How we think we may react and behave isn't always how we would or do when the time or situation arises, this is why I would ask you to think again what the answers will mean if you find he is playing around.

Then find the answers - hope this makes sense.

I really feel for you as it is not a nice place to be

WhirlingStirling · 20/09/2008 23:09

"I just cannot get past the fact that I have never felt 'threatened' by another woman before."

That is exactly how I felt - I thought it was us against the world. Seems sad now.

I am not sure confrontation works - they will always deny. Just check the phone a bit more. Play your cards close to your chest just for a while.

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 23:10

Good advice beanie, DH is a very good, convincing liar. I have seen him in action, but as far as I know he hasn't lied to me about anything important.

I think I am going to keep an eye on things and see what I can find out.

I feel a bit better for getting it all out and talking about it. I'm kinda making sense of it IYSWIM. It isn't banging around my head sending me insane anymore.

OP posts:
overdraft · 20/09/2008 23:12

I cofronted my DH and he lied I wished I had trusted my instincts. I don't know how I would have ever have found out for sure though. Her husband found texts on her phone.

overdraft · 20/09/2008 23:13

Maybe she just has a crush on him and they are teasing him

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 23:16

ivy if I find out that DH has ever had an affair it will be the end on us as a couple, there is no doubt in my mind about that. DH knows this, there are only two things that would spell the immediate end to our relationship, an affair is one and violence is another. I will not tollerate either in a relationsip I am in.

If I don't have trust for the person I am with I don't have anything.

I will remain friends with him for DD's sake only as she HAS to be my first priority and it can only be better for her to have a mum and a dad who are friendly, if not together.

yes I would want to know if he has an affair.

OP posts:
misselizabethbennett · 20/09/2008 23:16

If he's a good liar then there seems little point in confronting him about your fears just yet. If it was me I would be snooping like mad and looking for evidence. But I would talk to him about the relationship in general - you could learn a lot about how he responds to this discussion.

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 23:19

God, I have just read the first part of my last post back and I sound awful, I sound like such a bitch
No wonder he would clam up if I asked him about something like this.

OP posts:
beanieb · 20/09/2008 23:21

Hope that his convincing lying has been trivial things in the past. Hope it's not paranoia, do you know if you are prone to paranoid thoughts? Basically I think deep down we all know when we are being a bit crazy in our thought process and hopefully we know our partners well. If I knew what CAT was I would say CAT me, I will investigate it.

Best of luck and if you do dind out the worst come back and talk ..

beanieb · 20/09/2008 23:22

read your other post - you sound like a solid person, best of luck, be strong.

KiwiKat · 20/09/2008 23:24

I've been through it with my first DH and it was devastating - a long time ago now, but it still makes me feel sad for that young girl I used to be. What you've posted so far indicates to me that something IS going on, as your gut instinct - especially after being together so long - is rarely wrong. However, it's important to note that while it may be a full-blown, raging affair, it could just as likely be anything as innocuous as a flirtation, in which they are both just enjoying the illicit fancying/being fancied that happens sometimes, and even this may be making him feel hugely guilty. So don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, because a flirtation is something you can get over. Keep your eyes and ears open, and try to get him to talk to you, not just about this, but about anything else that might be going on around him too. Perhaps go out with him on a work do and watch his, her and their co-workers' body language. That's what finally made me open my eyes that something was going on.

Good luck - I hope that you're able to work through whatever this turns out to be, together.

Leoness · 20/09/2008 23:25

hey be kind to yourself

you know if he is having an affair it will wreck a lot and hard times will come before good again - this is why you are getting worked up...

But you don't know for sure so hang back, deep breath, stay calm and collected best you can.

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 23:27

Thanks beanie, and everyone for all the advice.

I am going to play this long, watch him closely, and try not to do too much snooping, although I suppose it is inevitable.

There is only one person in RL that I could talk to about this but she is having a hard time at the mo and is PG and suffering. I don't want to burden her any more. She has a lot going on.

I have been wondering if I am prone to a bit of paranoia. I have been diagnosed with extremely high anxiety, I've always had it, but it has gotten worse since I had DD. I am on AD's to help until I get counselling (next month) I wonder if it has triggered something in my brain.

OP posts:
Leoness · 20/09/2008 23:30

You are taking everything into consideration. be cool

AD's do have these sorts of side effects.

Try staying positive.

colacubes · 20/09/2008 23:30

Help its not good really is it. I believe that the gut instinct we have is the best measure of anything, if you are unsure then I would start to try and piece together all the parts of the puzzle, it will fit together eventually.

One thing I would like to pass on is something my brother told me when I was in a position similar to yours, he said that men will admit the samller things to get away with the bigger things. It was at the time a good piece of advice for me, put things in there place, dont do anything until you are calm, and have all you need in front of you, watch his reactions carefully you will know if hes lying, as for the office in joke, its not funny, and its disrespectful if nothing else.

Get your facts, be strong and assured and above all else believe what you see and feel, not what he wants you to believe.

Good luck, and I am really sorry if this is true, but if it is you will cope, and will survive, All the best. CC

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 23:32

I have been out with them on a works do and their body language isn't very telling. You wouldn't be able to look at them and assume something was happening between them IYSWIM.

Flirting doesn't bother me and it never has done, flirting in itself is harmless as long as it doesn't lead to other things. TBH is another woman flirts with DH while we are out it just make me more hot for him (sorry TMI)

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 23:36

Cola you are right, if it is the worst, then I will survive, I will cope.

I have DD, the best thing that ever happened to me, if I have her and she is happy and has everything she needs then I don't need anything else.

OP posts:
beanieb · 20/09/2008 23:38

"There is only one person in RL that I could talk to about this but she is having a hard time at the mo and is PG and suffering" talk to us. It's 'Only' the internet, but it helps. Truly hope it's nothing but like Leoness says, if it's worse then you will get through it in the end. You sound strong and capable and reasonable.

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 23:42

It does help beanie, it really does. Sometimes I feel like I can be more of myself with people I don't know IYSWIM.

OP posts:
beanieb · 20/09/2008 23:45

I know what you mean.

Ultimately you know yourself and your partner and there's stuff you can say here that you may not burden real life people with... but your one real life friend may be able to help. She possibly knows you better than anyone here does and no mattter what she is going through she may be able to help.

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 23:52

Beanie, I know she would be able to help me, we have been friends for 19 years now, since we were 10 years old. She knows me well, I love her to bits.
But I couldn't possibly burden her with this, not at the minute any how. Her PG is not going well, her DH is poorly, she works full time, runs around after her two DD's and is generally superwoman. the last thing she needs is a blubbering wreck of a friend crying on her shoulder.

Her DD's are coming here tomorrow to give her a chance to chill out and I am taking her a roast dinner round when I drop her DD's back off. She needs to rest.

I will talk to her about it eventually though, no doubt she will pick up on it as she generally does with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 23:57

Thank you all, I am going to bed now for a good nights sleep.

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 20/09/2008 23:58

Sleep tight, and good luck

beanieb · 20/09/2008 23:58

You are not a blubbering wreck, I hope not. You sound strong and whatever happens, or is/maybe happening you WILL get through it. It might be nothing at all.

debzmb62 · 21/09/2008 00:18

not looking good !! i'd be v suspisous TBH i'd first just out of the blue ask how X is doing is she still at the office or something ! see his reaction ??

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