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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can you tell if your DH/DP is having an affair?

266 replies

HelpMNINeedYou · 20/09/2008 21:50

What are the 'give aways' of someone having an affair?

I have had some slightly suspicious feelings for a while now about DH and a person he works with. (I will call her X for now)

I have never had cause to not trust him before and TBH I don't have cause to not trust him now. BUT .......things don't feel right with regards to X.

There are many things like this that I am adding up and maybe I am coming to the wrong answer but I have NEVER felt like this at all in the 11 years we have been together (Married for 4 years)

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 18:11

I love your name anifrangapani, it has made me smile, thank you.

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AnnasBananas · 21/09/2008 19:11

Sorry you are going through this, it sounds awful. I have to say I'd be suspicious, if it were happening to me.

This is personal, sorry, but what was your sex life like before, when did it stop was it abrupt or over a length of time? Do you feel like the 'spark' between you has gone? The no kissing or even the random cuddle doesn't sound good. DH grabs my arse all the time, it does wind me up sometimes, but if he stopped doing it I'd miss it!

I agree you should talk to him about your relationship, say you are worried about lack of intimacy and you want to 'jump start the Couple time away from DD? Dinners, movie or dates etc? What if you suggested a special night out and watch his reaction.

Hope this is all nothing. Don't mention X, the primary concern is you and DH's intimacy at the moment.

Hugs ((((((())))))))

AnnasBananas · 21/09/2008 19:14

Confusing, sorry, some of my post went missing...should be-

'I agree you should talk to him about your relationship, say you are worried about the lack of intimacy and you want to 'jump start the passion'. Do you have 'couple time' away from DD? Dinners, movie or dates etc? What if you suggested a special night out and watch for his reaction.

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 19:22

We have had a grand total of 3 times away from DD in the 10 months since she has been born.

I did suggest today to DH that I may ask my mum and dad to have DD overnight at the weekend so we can spend some time together. DH looked at me as if I had gone mad off my rocker. Like it was the last thing he wanted to do.

The sex stopped abruptly, he used to grab my arse, and sneak up behind me while I was cooking or washing up or something for a kiss and a cuddle but he has not done that in ages. I have tried to do it to him but he just walks away or busies himself with something and practically ignores me.

he hates me doesn't he.

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Anifrangapani · 21/09/2008 19:27

No but I think you need to talk to him. Tell him your fears, but in a your behaviour makes me feel unloved, rather than a I think you are having an affair, which makes me unloved way. If that makes any sense. I wish that I had hd that conversation may moons aga before he did have one because he felt I did not care.

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 19:32

This isn't me you know, I am usually so level headed, and I don't know why but for some reason today feel depressed. I am not depressed but I feel it. It is like a cloud has fallen between me and life and my mind cannot function normally.
Everything seems 'misty', cold, dark, and scary. I want to curl up in a ball and stop living. the only thing that is keeping me here, from doing something stupid is my beautiful DD. But I do keep thinking that she will be better off without me.

This IS NOT me.

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muckypups · 21/09/2008 19:32

My Dh went like this. It all suddenley stopped and i missed the intamacey so much that i asked him if he still fancied me. He said we needed to talk and had to wait all day till kids out of way and i was sick to the stomach all day.
He said he loved me but wasnt in love with me. He also said there was no one else but there was. He had an emotional affair with a woman at his work and this is why he had become so distant from me. He thinks because it wasnt sexual that it wasnt an affair.

He also didnt hide his phone but i always went to bed early so he had no need to hide it, he just text her when i was in bed. I heard his phone go at one in the morning and i had a gut feeling. The text was from her saying i love you!!!!

Talk to your DH. Before a possible mild flirtation and crush turns into something destructable. Take Care xxx

spicemonster · 21/09/2008 19:36

Please don't blame yourself. When someone you love suddenly starts withholding that love, it's really very hard. And really horrible. I think you need to tell him you don't think he loves you any more. That's a really hard thing to say but it's even harder wandering around letting your mind wander off into all sorts of places. I think you'd feel better if you tackled this at the source. At least you know what you're dealing with

Dior · 21/09/2008 19:36

Message withdrawn

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 19:38

He is upstairs putting DD to bed. I cant speak to him about it now I am not in the right frame of mind.

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muckypups · 21/09/2008 19:39

I agree, tackle it now. Its sun eve, kids in bed. Just have a quiet non confrontaional chat. If you love each other you can make this work. Maybe what your hthinking about him he is thinking about you. You never know, this could all be just about a lack of communication. Good Luck xx

FluffyMummy123 · 21/09/2008 19:39

Message withdrawn

Dior · 21/09/2008 19:40

Message withdrawn

misselizabethbennet · 21/09/2008 19:41

HelpMN - are you coping OK with looking after yourself and your baby? You do sound really down today. Where is your DH today - hasn't he noticed that anything's wrong?

When you say you feel 'misty' this can be a symptom of anxiety - over-breathing can lead to higher levels of oxygen in the blood and make you feel light-headed, like there's a fog, or you're detached from the world.

I only point this out as if it is happening to you it can help to understand that there is a physical cause, and relaxation breathing techniques can really help. If not, just ignore me!

misselizabethbennet · 21/09/2008 19:43

X-post with Dior.

I agree that you should talk about it sooner rather than later. I had to have a similar conversation once and it was VERY scary but I was so glad I did as we got a lot of things out in the open.

Dior · 21/09/2008 19:46

Message withdrawn

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 20:03

I have checked his phone log but nothing incriminating comes up. he doesn't like phones, mobile or otherwise and will try his best not to use them.

I know I have to talk to him sooner rather than later, I have had a drink tonight and I would prefer to talk to him with a non alcohol addled head IYSWIM.

I think (hope) the AD's are causing / conritbuting to my 'fuzzy' state of mind, maybe even causing paranoia.

I am so sorry to bore you all with this, I just need to make it all 'fit' in my head IYSWIM, and I find talking to people I don't know helps me to understand things.

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Ohforfoxsake · 21/09/2008 20:06

I know exactly what you mean about that fog descending.

Just by this thread, you have come a long way, by making the distinction between the reality of your relationship and the sideline of your suspicion. You are making progress, and clarity will come.

Can you go and have a nice hot bath, relax and breathe deeply?

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 20:12

I am now sat outside of DD's room waiting for her to go to sleep, she had gotten herself all worked up. She is now happily playing in her cot with a teddy, she is sleepy but wont sleep bless her.

I hope she hasn't picked up on my mood I have tried to put it to the back of my mind as much as poss today.

When DD is asleep I am going to bed to read a book and hopefully fall asleep myself.

DH is now downstairs watching TV.

Things are so different now than before we had DC, do relationships go like this after DC come along? do they ever get better?

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AnnasBananas · 21/09/2008 20:16

Setting aside how he is with you (the break in the intimacy/physical side of your relationship) how is he in other areas of his life? Under stress at work? Does he enjoy his job? If this is the first time in an office has he changed his career? Just wondering if he might be depressed himself? Does he have mates? Does he do anything outside of the house ie a hobby/sports etc?

You are right to feel he is 'slipping away from you' put it to him, ask him why HE thinks this is? Ask him point blank, 'don't you want to have a better sex life with me?' You can still bring this back from the brink but he does need to meet you half way and show some emotion to you.

Can't believe he wouldn't want to have a night out/away with you. Once you've had a child that sort of opportunity is golden!!

Ohforfoxsake · 21/09/2008 20:27

yes they get better, but sometimes it takes something like this to make us realise how bad things have become.

Talk to him.

Then work at it.

At leave that other issue be, just for now. It is sapping your energy.

WhirlingStirling · 21/09/2008 20:28

I know it is hard to start this sort of conversation but once you do start you will be glad that you did.

Just start with saying how you are feeling. That you feel unloved at the moment. Mention that he has stopped touching you (my h has done this - it is heartbreaking to know that they do not want to reach out to touch you anymore )

I agree that it may be best left to another night if you have been drinking. I made the mistake a couple of times of starting conversations about our relationship after a couple of glasses of wine and was then pissed off in the morning when I couldn't remember everything that was said. Maybe I should have taped it!?

WhirlingStirling · 21/09/2008 20:29

And don't worry - this isn't me either - I have morphed into someone I dont really like very much!

Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 20:32

Anna, DH has many hobbies outside of work and home, he does karate, he has guitar and piano lessons, he goes to gigs regularly. he goes out with his friends very often. I take up all the slack with regards to DD when he does these things.

Alternatively the only time I get out of the house is at college one evening per week for a grand total of 3 hours. I gave up my hobbies when DD came along so that he could continue with his. I don't mind this at all, but I feel very taken for granted.

The job he is doing is one of several dream jobs of his, I worked my arse off to put him through uni so that he could train for his dream jobs (covers lots of areas).

I have been out a once with my friends since DD was born as I never get chance to go out as DH is usually doing one of the above.

I suppose he could be depressed, I know depression can happen even when you seem to have everything you want and have worked for.

I don't know what to do.

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Original poster
HelpMNINeedYou · 21/09/2008 20:34

My mum and dad have offered sooooo many times to babysit or to have DD overnight so we can do something together and DH will never take the oppourtunity. I don't want to badger him into going out with me if he doesn't want to, I want him to go out with me cos he wants to spend time with me not cos I am forcing the issue.

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