How can you tell if your DH/DP is having an affair?

[HelpMNINeedYou]

What are the 'give aways' of someone having an affair?

I have had some slightly suspicious feelings for a while now about DH and a person he works with. (I will call her X for now)

I have never had cause to not trust him before and TBH I don't have cause to not trust him now. BUT .......things don't feel right with regards to X.

There are many things like this that I am adding up and maybe I am coming to the wrong answer but I have NEVER felt like this at all in the 11 years we have been together (Married for 4 years)

Whirling, do you find you do that, morph into someone you don't recognize. I am different since having DD, but what if I have become a horrible person that no one loves and I cant see it for myself....

if you want to go out more then do - there should be sacrifice on both sides.

i suppose you could have a hypothetical conversation - you could watch a film or something and then say " could you imagine if we had to split up, god, i mean i can keep the house, you would have to find somewhere to live, then pay maintenance, OMG can you imagine how you would cope if dd was raised by another man? i mean ofcourse i won't be the virgin mary for the rest of my life....i suppose that you would have her weekends and i could go out in my favourite 'tit' top to the pub with my mates.... its great it won't come to that"

i think if he is hving an affair even if its just an emotional one. he needs to realise that if it causes a split, that you will have another mans penis in you at some point.

they don't think of these things

lol custardo, thankyou for making me smile and laugh tonight.

the idea of a hypothetical discussion is really good, it is something I can see myself doing.

He does need to realize that if he is having an affair, I will move on and I will meet other men, and get on with my life. If I know my DH, then he would HATE that.

Lololol at another mans penis,

If her mobile number is programmed into his phone, get his phone for two minutes, and take out her number and put YOUR number in under HER name.

Then wait.

See what texts 'she' gets.

Oh wow what a good idea, who thinks of these ways to trap your man.

I don't think I will use it just yet, but if things take a turn for the worse after talking to him about our relationship then I will certainly keep it in mind.

DD is asleep, bless her she settled herself really well tonight, I am now going to bed to read my book and try and chill out.

Thank you all for listening to me, and for offering good sound advice.

Right, if he has all those hobbies going on I don't think he is depressed. But he is taking you for granted and I get the impression that this is a role that you have slipped into a bit too willingly (sorry, not blaming you!!) You seem to have don't so much for him so willingly, what is he doing for you? Both partners should make sacrifices for each other so that you appreciate each other. He doesn't sound like he is appreciating you.

Perhaps you need to take more of a lead in some areas, say to him 'my parents have agreed to babysit Thursday night and I've booked X restaurant at 8pm'. If he doen't want to go out go with your girlfriends. I know you say you want him to do the asking, planning, inviting etc but that is not happening, take some control and get the ball in your court.

Maybe you need to do something for yourself one evening a week.

Like so many others in my position, I have thrown myself into keep-fit and I must say I am impressed with myself . After having 3 dc you do lose yourself a bit. You have awful body image problems and dont know how to regain any confidence.

My h's affair was, in a way, the kick up the arse I needed to pull myself together and find "me" again.

It is also a really good way of getting rid of anger.

Keep posting

You are looking for some answers. that's why you have come onto mn.

...there's bound to be some adrenaline kicking in from posting and reading the replies
...as you said your on the ad's these are probably clouding you & taking you away from you're totally normal self, perhaps you are feeling a little off balance, numb even.
...and your under stress. The stress when you think your partner is having an affair is obviously massive - the jealousy, confusion, sense of betrayal the potential pending disaster, the many uncomfortable changes that may come.......

All these (chemical) things are effecting you and your balance and grace.
So be cool.
i can sense your panicky mood, your racing heart and mind.
it is exciting but for all the wrong reasons.

• be cool

You need to calm down, deep breaths as often as you can remember. ( -pls pls don't take this patronisingly)

You must try not to get carried away and start projecting onto the situation things that are imagined.

I don't think that a confrontation is possible without proof.
The fact is you have a great track record together - do do give him the benefit of the doubt.

I think you could find yourself becoming horrible to him if you start imagining all the bad things - you may snap, nit pick or sneer at him if you think he's betraying you. You know you may turn into someone you don't want to be and worse someone he doesn't want to be with.
...and then the self fulfilling prophecy will unfold.

Do not confront him and put ideas into his head.
BE cool
You have to carefully find out if there is any affair going on.

As i said at the beginning i would go all detective and get her number then scan his phone bills for strange times and long time calls to her number.

For gods sake I'm going to bed sorry I went on and on...

Thinking of you and really hoping all will be okay.

be cool,calm & strong.

"I think you could find yourself becoming horrible to him if you start imagining all the bad things - you may snap, nit pick or sneer at him if you think he's betraying you. You know you may turn into someone you don't want to be and worse someone he doesn't want to be with.
...and then the self fulfilling prophecy will unfold."

leo, that scares me I bet it is me, I bet I have turned into a nasty, nit picking bitch.
I would rather be alone than feel like this.

I was thinking, as often I do when I wake in the night, that I might write him a letter re the lack of intimacy between us and our relationship in general. Do you think a letter is too 'school girlish' or do you think it could help.

Bump.....
Doea anyone have any advice re writing a letter to DH re the lack of intimacy within our relationship or do you think I should just do it face to face??

I think you must do it face to face.

I would do it face to face... a letter may be taken as a "Dear John".

Ahhh I think I know it must be done face to face, I was just looking for a cowards way out I suppose.

I am scared by what he will say, I am scared he will say that he no longer loves me.

It is better than eating yourself up with suspicion. even if it is not what you think, it sounds as if your relationship needs a bit of communiccation. Trust me I know. My dh went really distant and was having an affair, but out of a feeling that I didn't care. Things are loads better now, but we needed that talk. And talk we did.... for days. [sad smile]

Hope you are OK. Be strong. xxxx

I did both - we talked but I always ended up a wreck and never said all the things that I wanted to say.

So, I also wrote a letter, telling my h how I felt, what I thought about things he had done and said. To be honest though, I never got much feedback from him. He just seemed to slip deeper into his depression when he realised how much pain he had caused

He's the coward not you. You don't know quite what needs to be said, or if it needs to be said, or what to say that might 'fix' things. Because you don't know what's wrong. I think he knows, but he's leaving you to figure it out and be lonely in your marriage. He's the coward, not you.

TBH right now at this very minute I have the courage to speak to him about it, but he is at work. I keep wondering if I should ring him or email him, but like others have said it needs to be done face to face. I really just need to know how he feels about me, if he still loves me and wants to be with me.

My head is much clearer today. I might write it all down anyway you know to get it sorted out in my head before I talk to him.

No help at all, but just to know that I'm thinking of you and hoping it all works out. I read this thread last night, and was biting my nails. Had to check in today to see how you were getting on.

I wouldn't do a letter. Can you call him up and ask him to go for lunch with you today?

BEAUTIFUL, thank you for thinking of me, I could meet him for lunch. but it is chucking it down here at the mo and I don't drive (e don't have a car even if I did lol) So it would me walking the 2 miles to DH's work and getting thorouly soaking in the process.

I was thinking of doing hid favorite dinner tonight and tem have a chat with him once DD is in bed asleep.

I need to do it TBH, I cant stop thinking about it, going round and round in my head. It is sending me stir crazy.

I have decided to start off talks with DH by letter, I know it is cowardly, but I cant see any other way of me being able to initially convey what is going on in my head to him.

Please read what I have put so far to see if it sound ok;

Hiya babe,
I have been feeling a bit down just lately about a few things and I have tried to talk to you about them, but you know what I am like I can never seem to get out what I want to say.

To be honest I don't know where to start, so I am just gonna go for it and hope that you understand what I am trying to say.

I feel very unloved at the minute and I feel like you are slipping away from me emotionaly. We get on well and have our ups and downs as do most married people, but I feel like you no longer want to be with me, like you don't love me anymore. I need to know how you feel about me, I need to know if you still love me and want to be with me.

I don't want you to tell me what you think I want to hear I want you to tell me how you feel, about us, about our life together, about everything.

I feel abandond.

You only ever cuddle me or kiss me if you want sex, if I ask for it, or if I make the first move (even then you seem like I have put you out).

I don't feel any connection between us anymore, emotionaly or physically.

You know me, you know that I cannot be with someone who doesn't actually want me, if this is the case and you no longer want to be with me I need to know for my own sanity.

I wont be angry, I will be very upset, but I will deal with it and I will not let it come between you and DD. I will go out of my way to make sure you and DD still have a relationship. I will never stop you from seeing her or being with her. It is not fair to keep going on if you don't want me, it is not fair on me, you and especially DD.

This is all I have so far, what do you think? Do I need to take anything out, put anything in, change anything? Your input is appreciated.

I think that mentioning the dd stuff is too much too soon. That come come in discussion. If you put it there now, it looks like you are expecting to break up.

You want the letter (if you have to write one, tbh I still think just saying this stuff is much better) to start a dislogue, not close it down. If you have to write a letter, keep it shorter and just say what you want to talk about later.

Personally I would stop with "I need to know if you still love me and want to be with me" and leave anything else til the actual conversation.

Hope this helps x x

Sorry for typos x

Oh no
You can't do that!

You haven't even spoken to him, you have no evidence of any wrongdoing but you are writing a letter that ends up with you proposing a split effectively!

I would be very confused if I got a letter like that!

I think you need to try and be less accusatory and confrontational to start with.

So something like

You don't seem very happy, I was wondering if there was something wrong? When you are distant with me I feel unloved. I appreciate that you may have your own worries and that you probably don't mean to be like this but I feel I need to tell you how it makes me feel as I am aware that you are not a mind-reader.

I want to work on our relationship. I do feel a little like you have withdrawn from me emotionally and I need to understand why, and for you to understand that it makes me feel unhappy and lost and xyz (whatever it makes you feel)

I think that mentioning a split at thsi point sounds a little hysterical tbh

The Countess has put it much better than me - I agree with her post completely.